June 2023 - Side Story (Patreon)

Hey guys 👋 Here's the side story for June. I'm so sorry for it being late. I was really focused on the update last month and spent most of my free time working on it. 

The side story idea that won for the month of June was Ash's POV if MC died 😥 I hope you guys enjoy the angst 💖

The next side story will be the one for July, and it'll be coming soon! 😊

* * * *

You watch numbly as the pallbearers move toward the hill that you’re standing on right now. This is the fourth time now that you, Uncle Luka, and Deda Pavel come here to bury someone and it’s clear from their expressions, they’re just as tired and defeated as you are right now. You thought by now, you would have lost the ability to feel any kind of grief, but instead, it feels as if your whole world is falling apart all around you.

And it seems like you’re not the only one feeling this way. Uncle Luka looks… disheveled, which is a polite way to say that he looks like he hasn’t slept for a few days. The bags under his eyes are prominent against his pale skin, and his usually clean-shaven jaw is covered in light stubble. His sharp grey eyes are dulled from crying and you understand… The guilt he must’ve felt.

You’ve been wrecked emotionally with the same guilt ever since Sasha’s death and you don’t think it will ever stop; it will haunt you for the rest of your life. How can it not when Sasha sacrificed themself for you? You don’t know why they would do that when their life is clearly more important than yours by tenfold, and it’s proven before you by how devastated Uncle Luka and Deda Pavel are right now.

The guilt strikes you again but for another reason altogether. Deep down, you know Sasha had never believed that your life is less than theirs and if they could hear you now, they would scold you for thinking that. But that exact thought was also what pushed them to take the hit that was meant for you… And it makes you angry. At the killer… and at yourself.

For failing to keep them safe.

…

…

You scrambled over to Sasha’s wounded body, tripping over your own feet a couple of times in your rush. You knelt beside them and laid their body on your lap gently, body hunched over theirs protectively and possessively, as if ready to fight death itself when it inevitably came knocking for Sasha—and you would, if only such thing were possible… But it’s not and there was nothing you could do but rage at the injustice of what just happened.

“You idiot! Why did you do that?! It should’ve been me! Not you! Never you! Why?!” you yell, tears starting to blur your eyes as you felt their blood starting to soak into your clothes. You quickly reached down to grab your phone out of your pocket.

“Did you really expect me to just let you die like that?” Sasha tried to chuckle but it quickly devolved into a fit of coughs instead.

“Yes! That’s what you should have done—what I wanted you to do,” you reply. “I’m just another enforcer, but you…” You’re the most important thing in my life, you wanted to say, but instead, you said, “You’re the heir. And don’t you care about Uncle Luka and your grandpa?”

Sasha’s smile withered, and they looked concerned before it finally turned to sad resignation. “They’d understand,” they whispered, quietly at first to the point you almost missed it before repeating it louder for you, “They’d understand, Ash. And stop thinking your life is worth less than mine. It’s not… Not to me.”

You shook your head at their attempt to console you. “Then you’re delusional,” you said. “Just, stay with me. I’ll call the ambulance; they’ll be here in no time. Don’t worry.”

You quickly dialed 911 and relayed your location as calmly as you could. The operator started to ask you more questions, probably to also try to make sure you stay on the phone with her, but you stopped as Sasha reached up to hold your hand. You looked down and you could see that they seemed to have accepted the fact that it was too late and that they wanted to talk to you in their last moment.

Your stomach dropped as the realization started to sink in for you as well. Logically, you knew that they were right, but your heart fought against it as hard as it could, not wanting to believe it.

“Ash… Listen to me…” they whispered weakly, and you leaned in closer. “This is important. I don’t want you to avenge me… I want you to put this all behind you and live your life peacefully… Enjoy it and live it to the fullest.” Their eyes are imploring. “Please… Promise me, Ash…”

“Sasha… I—” They were asking the impossible from you and you didn’t want to lie to them. And in a strange case of paradox, you had so many other things you wanted to say to them to the point that you didn’t know what to say.

So, instead, you held them even tighter, hugging them close and cradling their head in the crook of your neck. You hoped… You hoped it would be able to convey everything that you couldn’t express with words. You sobbed pathetically as you poured all of your feelings and all of your memories together into the hug.

Something wet dripped on your neck and then came a sentence spoken right in your ear, so quiet and weak that you almost missed it to your own sobbing. A sentence that would forever be carved in your mind, heart, and memory, but also one that added to the regret you were already afflicted with.

“I love you,” Sasha had said, and to put the nail in the coffin, they added at the end, “...Ash.”

The next minutes were filled with excruciating moments as you tried to tell them that you love them back. But it was in vain because from the moment you pulled away to look at them after what they had just said, you could see that they had passed away. Their usually bright eyes—ones that never failed to captivate you—were glossy and empty, and their body was limp in your arms.

But still, you said it over and over again, hoping against hope that they’d still be able to catch it somehow during their very last moments.

…

…

The pain from the memory hits you so hard that you almost double over. Thankfully, you manage to catch yourself at the end, and not make a scene during Sasha’s funeral. You don’t know whether Sasha heard your confession or not… and deep down, you know, just by logic alone, that they didn’t. No matter how much you’ve tried to bury that thought or to gaslight yourself, the regret of not confessing your feelings sooner still torments you every day.

You’ve always thought that one day… One day, you’d be brave enough to finally tell Sasha about how you felt about them. But you kept putting it off. Even until the end, you didn’t have the courage to say it, and now, you’ll never have a chance to do it ever again.

Fucking coward… you think to yourself spitefully as you watch the coffin getting lowered. A goddamn failure. It should’ve been you in there, not Sasha. And what wouldn’t you give for that to happen instead…

Deda Pavel is the first one to say his final farewell. For as long as you can remember, he has always been an intimidating and imposing figure, exactly the kind of person that people expect from someone who led a criminal family to its height with an iron fist.

But right now… He’s not the head of the Morozov; he’s simply a grieving father and grandfather. He looks frailer than you’ve ever seen him, seemingly weathered not only by age but also by the nonstop tragedy that has befallen his family over the years. His face is one of tired resignation and despair as death visits him again to cull his family members until there are only him and Uncle Luka left.

You’ve heard the saying that no parent should ever go through the suffering of burying one’s own child, but Deda Pavel has outlived not only his son and wife but his grandchild too now. A morbid thought flashes in your mind as you wonder whether he’ll soon outlive his other son as well.

Whatever he says, it is solely between him and Sasha alone, and after a few minutes, he dropped the flower in his hand before making his way back to where he was standing.

Uncle Luka goes next and he kneels by the pit, bringing his hands to his face as he sobs, “I’m so sorry” over and over again. Whether he’s apologizing to Sasha or to his brother—whose grave is actually right next to Sasha’s—for failing him again, you’re not sure. Or maybe, he’s saying it to both of them.

It’s worrying how outwardly broken he is and how he’s not even trying to hide it anymore. Jackal quickly rushes over to him, crouching beside him and circling his arm around Uncle Luka’s shoulder comfortingly. Jackal whispers something in his ear before helping Uncle Luka stand up and ushering him back to their positions beside Deda Pavel.

It’s your turn now to say your goodbye and you walk forward, feet dragging through the damp grass. You look down at the casket deep beneath the ground and half of you wish you can join Sasha down there, but the other half… The other half wants revenge, and that’s the one you focus on.

Sasha said not to avenge them and to live your life peacefully and to the fullest, but truthfully, you can’t picture what kind of life there is even to live without them in it. Sasha had been such an integral piece of your life, and this might sound cheesy, but they might as well be the sun that your whole world revolves around.

You don’t want an empty and dull life. What you want is vengeance and to continue Sasha’s mission. Technically, you haven’t said yes to the promise Sasha asked of you. So now, you’re finally ready to give them your own promise.

“I’ll hunt that bastard down to the end of the earth and make them pay. So, don’t you worry, Sasha… After that’s all done, then maybe we can finally be together… That’s my promise to you…”  you whisper, dropping the flower in your hand into the pit. “I hope you’re happy up there. Please say hi for me to your dad and my mom,” you add, a small wistful smile twists your lips at the hopeful thought of being reunited with all of them one day.

But until that time, you have a lot of planning to do and it’s time to box up all of your grief, regret, and sorrow, and put them away so you’d be able to focus on your sole task and goal in life now.