Secret Novel Chapter 31: Longer Than She Thought (Patreon)

Madeline laid out all the ingredients she needed for her new batch of potions like she had done six weeks ago. In those six weeks the potions she had been drinking had truly done quite a bit. When she looked in the mirror of her bathroom she no longer saw the man that had always stared back at her before. She still didn’t see the woman she truly was yet, either. It was more of a half stage in between the two. Her features had become far more androgynous to the point that she could see the woman she was becoming start to peak through. Though maybe that was her cute ears and nose adding to her androgyny. In the weeks since gaining the ears and nose, she had come to genuinely like their appearance. It was different of course, and when added with her beyonder eye it gave her an air of inhumanness that she found she liked. Like she realized before, everything she did was making her the woman she was truly inside, including all the non human parts. Outside of her face, not too much had changed. Her body was still very much that of a man's but skinnier now. Her body hair had also lightened a great deal, as did her facial hair. Though she still had to shave it every now and then, it no longer left the shadow that she had always had. The potions she was making now were going to be the ones that fully changed her, and she looked forward to it desperately.

To her side stood the more often present than not beyonder. In the little over a week since his return, after realizing he had made a huge mistake in their pact, the two had started to find a rhythm to being around one another. Of course they still fought and seriously pissed one another off at times, but they were starting to find ways to come through it every time. Often the fights could be boiled down to cultural differences between the two that neither realized was a difference until they were yelling at one another. At times Victor would expect too much of a self taught witch, and while this infuriated Madeline, she found it oddly flattering. Yes he expected her to be greater than she was, but the fact that he did honestly believe she could very easily reach goals of being more than she was encouraging.

“So, these are what’s needed for your new batch of potions?” He studied the assortment she had laid out, and when he went to pick something up Madeline swatted his hand away.

She ignored the light growl he gave her and replied. “Yes, and I need to make sure everything is perfect and exactly as it needs to be. So no touching. I don’t know how your magic might affect the ingredients.”

He grumbled at her, but respected the importance that all this meant to her. “How difficult is this going to be for you?” Now instead of picking things up he decided to stand watching over her shoulder closely. Though he had been using a more human form when around her, there were times he used features that were less human. Such as the digitigrade legs he now sported. Madeline had been getting used to seeing him with an assortment of ever so slightly changing features.

“Well, I’ve been practicing quite a bit, as you know. I am really confident in my knowledge of how to actually make it. It's just a matter of how much it will drain me, which is why I have those potions,” she pointed to a pair of bottles, “to keep me invigorated when I’m working. This batch is meant to be quite stronger than the ones I made before so I’m probably going to take it slow and steady to make sure I don’t get too weak.”

“You said you made the first set of potions after only being a witch for one week?”

“Yep.” Madeline started to work on prepping the ingredients. “Studied my ass off and worked as hard as I could making potions to learn. When I did make it, it took a lot out of me, so that’s why I’m taking precautions for this set.”

“You are quite impressive, little witch. At least most of the time.” She ignored that. Her work was more important than getting annoyed at him. “And with all these potions and magical potential, it will still take six weeks before your body is fully correct? And even then you're not fully in control of how you will look after?”

Madeline took a deep breath. She supposed that for a being that could shift their form at will in a matter of seconds this would seem like a piss poor attempt at it. “It is said to give you the body you were meant to have, whilst still keeping in your family's lineage. So no, I do not have direct say over how I will look. But if I am not happy with the results I have no doubt that there are other spells and potions I can use to fix anything that doesn’t feel right. And yes, it will take six weeks. My body isn’t as malleable as yours is.”

“Well, I know I could in fact use magic to change you in but a few moments, but it would be mind breakingly painful for you, so this does sound like a better option.”

She was about to ignore him, but then she thought about it. “Wait, is shape-shifting for you painful?” She did ignore that he did have the power to give her the right body almost instantly, as he had said it would be ‘mind breakingly painful’. Still, she looked at him in surprise. The thought had never occurred to her that it could be painful for him.

“Yes, and no.” He shrugged. “Our pain tolerance is far higher than yours. For you, the pain would break you, but for us it is something we can deal with. Especially when the shift is meaningful to us. And with enough practice over decades you start to barely feel the pain.”

“So you do feel pain when doing it?”

“Maybe. I’ve been doing it long enough that I wouldn’t even notice if it did cause pain.”

“How long have you been doing it?” She had yet to actually ask him about his age.

“How long are your years again?”

“Thirteen months.”

“You have thirteen months? Interesting. How many days in a year?”

“Three-hundred sixty-five days a year.” He gave her a funny look. “What?”

“That’s the same as we have. How do you split that into thirteen?”

“Four weeks a month. So twenty-eight days a month, thirteen months a year. Wait, how do you do it?”

“It depends,” he shrugged.

“What do you mean it depends? Do your measurements of time change?”

“Exactly. We just go with how the weather and season is. None of us have real care for it outside of the timekeeper house.”

“You really don’t care? But it’s time.” How could one not care about time?

“That doesn’t matter to us. I prefer having a looser measurement of time. Less rigid and more flavorful than your exact days and months.

“But mine makes sense and is consistent.”

“And it’s stiff and boring.”

Madeline shook her head. “Whatever you say. Still, how long have you been shapeshifting?”

“Around eight-hundred years. Maybe more. Like I said, time isn’t as important for us as it is for you.”

Madeline almost choked on nothing. “You’re eight-hundred years old?!”

“I’m actually around a millennia old. Maybe.”

“What?!”

“Why is that shocking for you? That’s still pretty young.”

“Young?! I’m twenty-five, and you think you’re young?” Madeline gawked at him.

“You’re only twenty-five?!” Now he was the one gawking at her.

“Yeah. How old did you think I was?” This was absurd.

“I don’t know. Two-hundred maybe, not fucking twenty-five!”

“Two-hundred?! We humans are lucky if we reach our nineties before dying!” How could he think humans could live that long? He was over a millenia old, shouldn’t he at least know that?

“Oh that’s a lie! I know you witches live for many centuries.”

“What?” Madeline looked up at him in shock, her arms dropping by her side.

Seeing her reaction, he looked concerned. “I’ve known of witches that were many centuries old. You naturally live a decently long life. Well, not compared to us, but still you have long lives.” Madeline felt like the world was spinning, as she almost fell onto the bench. “Why are you so shocked?”

“I… I wasn’t lying. Humans rarely make it to a century old.” Madeline's mind flashed to the letter Eda had left her. How she mentioned she had lived in this home for decades or ‘centuries even’. That wasn’t possible though, was it? Humans lived to around their seventies, maybe eighties typically. “You aren’t lying to me? Witches live multiple centuries?”

“Yes. Of course you do.” He saw her dazed expression. “Madeline, did you really not know this?”

“No! Of course I didn’t. Why would I know this?”

“You have your own library full of books that should tell you th—”

“Victor, I haven’t even had magic or the books for two months.” She was impressed that she didn’t yell this at him, like she did most times. She even sounded like her mom when she said it. A gentle but firm scolding.

The beyonder took a deep breath before shaking his head. “And you're only twenty-five. There is not a day you cease to amaze me, little witch.” He paused and looked at her. “Does living such a long life really shock you that much?”

“I… Yes, but I don’t know why.” She looked at him. “How would you feel if you suddenly learned you’re going to live multiple times your normal life span?”

“Well, since my people don’t technically ever die of old age, I’m not sure,” he said as he sat on the other end of the bench. “Does it upset you?” He sounded more curious than annoyed now.

“N-no. I just… Maybe the thought of being alone for so long scares me.” She had come to terms with being alone in the Maze for the rest of her life, but she didn’t know how to feel now that her life would be so much longer.

“Oh, little witch Madeline,” Victor spoke while giving her a smile that would have made most of the women back in Lexford swoon. “But you’re not alone. You have the pleasure of my company for the rest of your long life.”

Madeline sighed before plopping her face down in her hands. “I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.” Victor growled his response. Madeline laughed in her hands, before looking up and revealing the slightly dazed smile on her face. “Fuck, this is all insane.” Victor rolled his eyes at her, but she could see the smile on his lips. “Goddess, I need to make my potions, and not think about all this.”

“Yes, well that does seem a little more pressing now.”

Madeline stood back up and shook her head as she went back to prepping for her potions. Victor didn’t move more than to rest his chin on a hand while watching her closely. She was getting used to it, but she still wondered how he could find her just doing small, almost meaningless things interesting. Was he really telling all the beyonders back home about how she used her knife to cut up the flower stems? Regardless, the two found a comfortable silence as she worked. He didn’t bother her again until she was actually working on making the potions, but he, thankfully, waited for a time when it wasn’t draining her.

“I don’t believe I’ve asked how you came to know you were of switched hearts. Would you be comfortable sharing that?”

Madeline was at a point where taking a brief pause wouldn’t affect anything while she thought about his question. Not many people actually asked how she came to realize this about herself. Really it was only her sister, mom, and Sophie that ever asked. Others always appeared to try and tread lightly around that whole part of her life. She knew they thought it might upset her or be inappropriate to ask, which it was when asking someone you really only know in passing. Did she mind it from Victor, though? He was going to be one of the only people she ever saw in her life from now on, and he did ask if she was comfortable sharing instead of just asking her to tell him.

“I don’t mind,” she said after a moment's thought. Then she felt her face flush ever so slightly. “Though it is a little embarrassing.”

“Oh? Then I’m even more excited to hear.” Though she wasn’t looking at him, she knew very well the smile he wore. He was truly excited to know.

A new thought did give her a little apprehension. “But are you going to go off and share all this with the other beyonders you gossip about me to?”

“I wouldn’t call it gossip,” he said, trying to make it sound like he was offended.

“I do distinctly remember you saying ‘gossip’ when you told me what you were getting out of our pact.” Madeline looked at him out of the corner of her eye and saw him about to object only to pause and purse his lips.

“Fair enough, little witch. To answer your question, however, I do understand how personal such a question is and would not share that without permission.” He looked back up at her instead of what she was doing. “It was more for my own personal curiosity, as you are the second person close to me who is of switched hearts.”

“You consider me close to you?” Madeline looked at him in the eyes now, a little shocked by what he said. She did feel a little wave of heat rise up in her face. At least with her new ears, they didn’t light up red every time she blushed.

“Of course I do,” he said with such honesty in his eyes that it made Madeline’s breath catch. “You are the only mortal whom I have ever made a pact with. Might even be the only mortal I consider to be worthy of a pact. You have my eye, and I yours.” He waved a hand to his green eye that had once been red, all while smiling at her.

Madeline knew her face was turning bright red, but she couldn’t look away. She felt her heart tug and grab at his words, as if they might run away. In Lexford she had friends, close friends, and she knew she meant things to them. She had been close with people before, but this felt different. It felt like the closeness she had with her mom and sister. The closeness of family, not just friends, and her heart yearned for it so deeply. She knew being alone in the Maze had taken a toll on her, but she hadn’t known how deep that was until she heard Victor say she was close to him.

Quickly looking away, she felt embarrassed but happy. She knew he had seen the massive blush on her face. How couldn’t she when she just stared back into his eyes for far too long? She furiously fought back the tears she only just realized were threatening to fall. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see him look at her curiously all the while still holding the genuine smile on his face.

“So,” the witch said, desperately trying to remember what he had originally asked her whilst her mind just repeated his words over and over. “H-how I realized I was of switched hearts.” Only then did she realize that she was about to miss a step in her potion and went back to frantically making sure she was doing everything right. “Like I said, it's a little embarrassing what made me finally realize. Growing up there was always something that felt wrong and off, but I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal. So I just accepted it, thinking everybody felt off. Then puberty hit and I found I fit in with the girls more, and when they talked about crushes on boys I realized I felt those same crushes.”

“So you’re interested in men. Good to know.” Though Madeline thought he was about to make some crude remark about how he was a man and what that could mean for them, he just kept a gentle listening smile and motioned for her to continue.

“I didn’t share that I like boys, too, for a while. Only my sister knew up until I was like fifteen. Well a lot of people apparently managed to figure out that I like guys since my blush is very intense and my ears light up like hot coals,” she admitted with a chuckle. “Thankfully they don’t do that anymore since…” She waved up and wiggled her ears a few times. She was actually quite good at moving her ears on command now. “Then around seventeen, the guy I had the biggest crush on, Thomas, got together with this girl.” Madeline paused as the feelings all came back to her. “I was jealous, of course, but there was something wrong about the jealousy I felt. It took me a while to figure out, but I realized I wasn’t just jealous that she was with him. I was jealous that she got to be herself and with him. I recognized that though I desperately wanted to have him court me, among other things…” She wasn’t sure why she added that last part. “I could never see myself being with him. And by myself I mean the body I had. I couldn’t imagine being a man with him, even though I certainly could have been a man with him, it just didn’t feel right. In fact, it hurt to imagine it like that. But if I imagined I was a woman, I could see it and the thought made me so happy. But of course, my body was a man’s and that could never be. At least until now.”

Madeline couldn’t help but smile at the potential the potions she was making had. Couldn’t help but be so happy that her dreams would actually come true. With those thoughts fueling her, she pushed through one of the last large bouts of magical push she needed to give the concoction. With a sigh of relief, Madeline sat down on the bench whilst she let the pot boil for a few more seconds.

“Did you tell your family right away?”

She looked back at him finally and saw his usual curious smile. “No. I let those realizations boil inside me for a few weeks before I got up the courage to tell my sister. Keep in mind, at that point I didn’t know what those feelings meant. I just knew I had them. Flora was the one to tell me about being of switched hearts after I confessed it all to her. She was always so smart and worldly. She never read story books, only ever books about the world.” Madeline missed that sister. “We didn’t tell my mom for a little while, and when we did she didn’t really understand. It wasn’t until she got sick and I had to look after her that she actually started to see the real me. Though it hurts to know that she's gone, it makes me happy that at the end she truly knew the real me.” Madeline looked at Victor and gave him a big, but sad smile.

He returned a similar smile to her. “I’m glad she was able to know the real you. You never know how much you're missing out on someone till they show you their true self. Speaking of, do you need to be getting back to the potions?” He pointed at the pot that was starting to almost boil over.

“Shit, yes, thank you.” She rushed to save her concoction. Though it was mostly done, there were still some things to do.

“How did you find your name?”

Madeline paused briefly in her work. If they were on the topic of her being of switched hearts it made sense that he would ask. “Flora really helped me on that front. In fact she appeared more driven than me about it.” She chuckled. “I guess back then a name didn’t seem right without a body to go with it. Still, Flora wouldn’t give up, so for weeks we would try out other names. It was only ever between us though. At some point she asked me what the main character was called in my favorite book. It was Madeline, and she called me that once and it felt right.”

Victor chuckled. “Wait, you found your name in a book?”

Madeline felt her face flush and a little bit of anger grow. “Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not,” Victor said, waving his hands. “It’s just that my sibling found zir name the same way. In fact I think one of our sister’s made the same suggestion.”

“Really?” Madeline looked over at Victor. She could see the smile on his face.

“Surprisingly, yes. I think you two would get along.” The last sentence came out a little quieter and more to himself than to her. Then he went right back to actually speaking to her. “I suppose the book is around here somewhere? I might have to give it a read and see what about that Madeline made you want to share her name.”

Madeline paused. Flora had done the same thing. Even though she didn’t like story books, she still read it to know what it meant to her. Madeline felt that tugging connection to Victor in her heart again. “I’m sorry, I don’t have the book anymore…”

“Why not?”

She could hear the confusion in his voice as she went back to work on the potion. “I didn’t bring it with me into the Maze. I wish I had now, but at the time I just thought I would die in here. I didn’t want a book that precious to me to just get lost in the Maze or go to the mages. I gave it to the daughter of my friend so that someone else might enjoy it.”

There was a long pause in conversation before Victor spoke. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Madeline said, going into the final magical push of the potion. “I still think I did what was right at the time.”

“What was it called?”

“Braid of Gold.” Victor nodded and let her get back to finishing the potion. It only took a couple of minutes before it was ready to come off the fire. With a thick cloth to keep her hands from burning, she pulled it off and took it over to the table and with as steady hands as last time, she went about pouring it into the bottles.

“This potion wouldn’t also happen to give you a tail would it?” Victor asked as he leaned in close.

“What? No. Why?” She looked at him with genuine confusion. Where had that question even come from?

“I think it would fit your look. Make it feel complete.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke, but he did lean in and give the potions a close smell.

“No. I am not doing a tail,” she said adamantly. “The ears and nose are enough. Now out of the way, I’m still not done.”

“You should think on it,” was all he replied with.

She didn’t give him a response as she cut the tip of her finger. Carefully she put a large drop in each bottle and watched the potion turn from green to the blue pink swirls. This time there were vastly more vibrant, though she couldn’t be sure if that was just because of her eye or not. With a quick heal of her finger, and corking all but one of the six bottles she said, “Done.” Picking up the one open bottle, and of course blowing on it with frostbit pollen, she smiled at it. “Now's the fun part,” she muttered before trying to down it in one go. She couldn’t and coughed halfway through.

Victor chuckled and said, “Too bitter?”

Finishing it, Madeline coughed again. “No. It’s so disgustingly sweet.”