Dark Desire Chapter 2 (Patreon)

chapter 1: https://x.com/pinkjiminssii/status/1736851977357660231

Jimin doesn’t tell his daughter. And Jeongguk breaks up with her in the same week. he’s grateful and angry at the same time. He’s glad he doesn’t have to face him, that after that mistake he doesn’t have to see Jeongguk ever again. But his daughter is heartbroken for a long while, and that pains him to see.

Yet, it’s the best possible outcome. If Jeongguk had kept coming around it would have become even bigger, this filthy lie that he has to carry with him.

He doesn’t look in his daughter’s eyes properly for a month. She noticed at some point, asked him if he was alright and he just lied and said he was tired. Their bond that used to be strong gets worse, Jimin knows it’s his fault, but he can’t tell the truth. He shuts her out, and she eventually gives up trying to find out what’s wrong.

It hurts, but he’s a coward.

His daughter moves out half a year later, goes to another city for her studies. It’s a relief at first, because he had always felt that nagging feeling whenever he was around her, that black entity in his mind telling him he did a terrible thing, and he should never be forgiven.

So, when she moves out he’s proud of her, happy, and relieved. But the months after that, he feels lonely. Truth is, all his time and energy, all his money, all this time he spent working was all for her. Now that she’s on her own, he doesn’t have much of a goal.

He has friends, sure, but some also have kids, they also have lives. And so for a month he just works and comes home and watches tv, day after day, until he feels like time isn’t real. Everything morphs together, and it’s all grey and dull.

When he calls Jin about it, Jin tells him exercising would be nice, instead of wasting away on his couch. Jimin doesn’t have any better ideas, so he starts hitting the gym, feeling out of place between all the pumped up 19 year olds.

It does help him feel a bit better though, even if he can barely lift much in the beginning, the more he goes, the more progress he makes. And that feels like a good thing.

So, with that success he starts looking for more things to do. He finds that he enjoys reading, eventhough as a kid he never cared for it. He especially likes reading at a cafe or a library, not being trapped in his house.

And then; he decided to take some classes on woodworking, because he’s never been a handyman, and it would be fun to redecorate his house.

It all comes together when he gets a little cat. Because even though his house looked cosier, he still had felt a pang of loneliness every time he just heard the ticking of his clock.

His cat, named pebble, really gives him a purpose. He plays with her everyday, cares for her, buys her toys. He’s significantly happier and healthier, and that’s when it all comes crashing down.

One night, Hoseok and Jin asked him out to have a drink. And there, at the bar, his eye suddenly catches a certain black haired, tatted, buff guy.

His stomach turns, face turning white. He can tell it’s Jeongguk from his back side. And then he can tell by the sound of his laugh. He’s there with a group of guys, having a drink.

Why is he even here? This is known to be a bar where.. well, older men come. It’s not exactly a club. When Jimin looks around he sees that Jeongguk and his friend group are the only among their age class here. What are they doing here?

“Jimin? You good?”

Hoseok asks.

Jimin snaps out of it, nods stiffly as he eyes his drink. But he can’t escape the big dark entity that clouds his mind. The memories flooding back, the feeling of Jeongguk on top of him.

He’s never told anyone. It’s a secret he kept just for himself, consuming him from the inside. Now that he’s seen Jeongguk again, he feels so nauseous that he can’t even touch his drink. Sweat breaks out on his skin and all he wants is to just run out of the bar.

But Jin and Hoseok are laughing and talking animatedly. They haven’t caught up in such a long time, all too busy with their own lives. It would raise questions if he suddenly walked off now.

So he tries to ignore it, just focuses entirely on listening and laughing along. But every time he hears Jeongguk’s voice from the other end of the bar, or his laugh, his eyes momentarily move over to watch him, and he feels something dark tug at his heartstrings.

“Someone you know?”

Hoseok asks then, nodding his head towards Jeongguk’s group. He always notices these things.

Jimin feels his cheeks burn up and he shakes his head. Lie lie lie. That makes it worse though, because Hoseok’s eyes widen, reading him like a book.

“Don’t tell me that’s your type?”

Shit. This is bad.

“No. I was just- they’re just out of place.”

He tries, but neither Jin or Hoseok are buying it. They just look at him, then at the group of guys.

“Oh Jimin you’re a terrible liar. I know the one. It’s that guy with the sleeve.”

Jin says, hitting the nail on the head.

Jimin squirms in his place, unable to muster another lie. He just rubs over his forehead in distress as Hoseok laughs at the newfound information.

“Holy shit. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never looked at a guy this openly.”

“Keep it down.”

Jimin begs, face turning beet-red. He doesn’t even dare to look in Jeongguk’s direction, afraid of eye contact.

“My god Jimin, I see you in a whole new light, he must be- what- 23?”

Jin says, also chuckling a bit because it’s unbelievable. And Jimin bites his tongue because he almost says 25. it’s been a year, and sadly he remembers Jeongguk’s birthday.

“Let’s just not talk about it.”

He tries, grabbing his drink and downing half of it even though he’s nauseous.

“That’s not an option. You always talk about your cat, you say no one else is even worth looking at. But you’ve been looking at him.”

Hoseok argues, looking over at that friend group way too obviously. Jimin prays to god Jeongguk won’t notice.

“He is very handsome though. Should I ask if he’s interested in a sugar daddy?”

“No.”

Jimin says, way too stern for the light type of banter. Both Hoseok and Jin look at him, eyebrows raised.

Panic bubbles up in his chest, and he feels flustered as he tries to find a lie to explain his discomfort. But then his worst nightmare becomes reality.

“Oh, Mr. Park?”

Fuck. 

His vision blurs, and for a second he feels like he’s going to faint. Sadly, he doesn’t. His consciousness forces him to deal with the situation. He avoids his friends’ eyes as he turns towards Jeongguk.

It’s a little surreal, seeing him again. Jeongguk gives him a blinding smile, comes up to him like a happy puppy. He’s become even more handsome over time. Eyebrow piercing makes his face look fiercer, his sleeve tattoo looks all coloured in, he’s got an undercut too, hair shorter than it was.

“It’s Friday night. You’re not watching quiz shows?”

Jeongguk asks, easygoing as always.

Jimin wants to drown.

“No.”

He says, rigid as always.

Jeongguk doesn’t mind it, just looks at Jin and Hoseok, reaches out his hand. Fuck. This is the worst, the worst. Jin and Hoseok shake his hand, completely silenced, trying to figure out what is going on between them.

“I’m Jeongguk, I used to date Jimin’s daughter.”

Jeongguk explains. And the horror on both Hoseok and Jin’s face is something Jimin will never forget. The reality of his attraction, this is the reality. Jeon Jeongguk is a nightmare.

“Oh.”

Hoseok manages out. Jin doesn’t even have words.

Jeongguk seems unfazed by it, maybe even a little pleased. It’s terrifying.

“Why did you break up?”

Jin asks, trying to keep it lighthearted, to seem like the protective friend of dad who knows the daughter. But the question makes Jimin’s eyes widen, almost tearing up because there’s no telling how honest Jeongguk will be.

“Mm? I had a thing for her dad.”

That honest. He’s really that fucking honest.

Jin and Hoseok’s jaws drop at the statement, and Jimin feels like he’s just living in a nightmare.

“He doesn’t mean that- he’s always.. Jeongguk just jokes around like that.”

Jimin stutters, all flustered. He looks at Jeongguk pleadingly, hopes that he will go along with it. But Jeongguk takes way too long, makes it obvious when he shrugs and grins.

“I did though, and you knew. I dare even say you had a little thing for me too-“

“That’s not- that’s a lie.”

Jimin says sternly. He can’t make this situation any better, he really can’t do anything. Jeongguk needs to leave before he says any more, but he’s not gonna go voluntarily, he enjoys this way too much.

So Jimin excuses himself to his friends and grabs Jeongguk harshly by his wrist to pull him out of range, safe where Jin and Hoseok can’t hear them.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

He asks, panic and adrenaline rushing through his body.

“Oh? Swearing?”

Jeongguk asks, not in the least intimidated, just grinning as if he’s impressed. Jimin doesn’t know what to say to it, he just tries to make himself stand taller, tries to have at least a little sense of authority over him.

It doesn’t have the effect he wanted.

“You look buff, have you been working out?”

Jeongguk asks then, hand sliding over his arm. Jimin feels it burn instantly, and he wants to take a step back but he’s just frozen in place. He can’t deal with this situation, his whole system is shutting down.

“And this is new too-“ Jeongguk says, not even caring for his response, touching the collar of his suit, then running his hands down over his chest like it’s normal. 

Jimin has to reach out and grab Jeongguk’s wrists to stop him from just pawing all over him. He now sees that Jeongguk’s cheeks are a little red, eyes slightly glazed over. He’s tipsy. And touchy, trying to tangle their fingers together.

“You should go back to your friends.”

Jimin says, trying to free himself, but Jeongguk’s grip is pretty strong, and he’s just smiling at him like a love-struck duckling and it’s terrible. It’s terrible because Jimin’s heartbeat is picking up.

“What are you drinking?”

Jeongguk asks, ignoring his command. Jimin finally frees his hands, dark blush on his cheeks because he can feel Hoseok and Jin’s eyes on him even from here.

“Whisky. Now go back to your-“

“Can I have a taste?”

Jeongguk’s eyes glint, and Jimin knows he’s thinking about it. That night.

Biggest fucking mistake of his life.

He shakes his head, but Jeongguk won’t stop staring at him. He looks like he’s glowing, like he’s happy to see him again, and it’s endearing even though Jimin doesn’t want it to be.

“Wanna come see my friends?”

Jeongguk asks then, and Jimin shakes his head again, but Jeongguk doesn’t care. He pulls him over towards three other guys, who stop their conversation to look at him. They don’t seem surprised in the least that Jeongguk just pulled a 40-year-old guy to the standing table. One of them even gives him a full up-and-down.

“Guys, this is Mr. Park.”

Jeongguk says, still holding onto his wrist, like they’re a thing. Jimin would have freed himself if he didn’t feel so preyed upon. He casts a nervous glance over his shoulder, sees Jin and Hoseok still looking, talking among themselves, probably trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

“Oh. This is him?”

One of Jeongguk’s friends asks, making Jimin turn his head back, because it sounds like he recognises the name. That can’t be good. 6 pair of eyes now stare at him intently, and Jimin has a feeling Jeongguk has told them all about that night.

“Wow, Jeongguk was right, you are fine.”

A guy with dark wavy hair says, looking at him like he wants to have a taste. Jimin feels sweat prickle over his neck, and he needs to get the fuck out of here.

Jeongguk lets go of his wrist, and instead curls his hand around his waist as if he’s his. This is Jeongguk showing him off like he’s a fucking prize. And his friends seem to be jealous, which doesn’t even make any fucking sense.

“You got any friends?”

Another one of the guys asks, he’s the tallest one. Jimin blinks, doesn’t think the question is for him at first, but as those eyes keep boring into his own he realises.

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s brought two of them, they’re over there.”

Jeongguk answers for him, nodding his head into the direction of Jin and Hoseok. The other three guys collectively look over, and Jimin is confused.

“What? You- you guys are all into older men?”

He asks, taking Jeongguk’s hand off of his waist. But it’s no use, it sneaks right back around him, holding him even tighter.

“We’re certified dilf hunters, sir.”

The guy with the wavy hair says, grinning at him. Jimin knows the term dilf, sadly. And he hates that he falls into the category, apparently. He doesn’t know what to say to it, all that comes out is just a dry:

“Why?”

“Cause..” Wavy haired guy continues, looking in Jimin’s friends’ direction, clearly checking one of them out. “They’re hot. They’ve got experience. They’re fun to tease. Especially the straight ones.”

Jimin blinks, feels a little nauseous at the idea. this is all some kind of sick game to them. Jimin was probably just someone to cross off a list for Jeongguk, never had a care if it would ruin his relationship with his daughter. Maybe Jeongguk never even wanted to date her to begin with.

The wavy haired guy is now clearly trying to seduce either Jin or Hoseok, sliding his jacket off of one shoulder, tilting his head.

Jesus.

“Don’t mind Taehyung, he’s drunk.”

Jeongguk says, reminding Jimin that he’s being held captive. He looks down at the hand around his waist, and his stomach turns. He frees himself again, not wanting to be around this group a second longer.

“Well. Good luck.”

He says stiffly, then walks back over to Jin and Hoseok.

Jeongguk catches his wrist but he yanks his hand back harshly. When he looks at Jeongguk he tries to talk as clearly as he can.

“Leave me alone.”

He can hear Jeongguk call after him but he ignores it, though it somehow tugs on his heartstrings. He doesn’t understand why, he’s never had feelings for Jeongguk.

Jin and Hoseok look at him expectantly when he makes it back to the table, silent as the grave.

“Sorry. That’s.. that is Jeongguk.”

He says, not sure what else there is to say. They probably guessed the rest already.

“Did you guys fuck?”

There. They’ve worked it all out. Jimin looks away, guilt eating him alive. Everything in his body is telling him to lie. Just lie. Lie as hard as you can. But he fights it, because it’s been a year and all lying has ever done is make it bigger.

“Once. It was a mistake.”

“Oh my god Jimin. Don’t tell me you fucked him while he was dating Yujin?”

When Jimin meets Hoseok’s eyes he wishes he could just tell him no, of course not. He’d never do such a thing. He looks at Jin who’s also looking at him like he wants him to deny it, wants him to say it was after that, even if it’s wrong, at least it wouldn’t be cheating as well.

He looks down at his glass on the table and nods curtly. Pure disgust fills his system once again, and he feels like throwing up. His friends also groan and rub over their foreheads in distress at the confession. It’s a terrible thing. He did a terrible thing.

“I’m sorry.”

He says, not knowing what else to say. Jin and Hoseok are at loss as well, just kind of silently breaking down over it.

“That’s- my god, that’s bad Jimin.”

Hoseok says after a while.

“I know.”

He says, tears prickling in his eyes.

“Like, what were you thinking? He was dating Yujin and you just..”

“I know.”

 it’s nothing he hasn’t told himself. He beat himself up about it everyday.

“Fuck. I can’t believe this. If it was just a random younger guy, you know, that’s fine, but why would you-“

“Hoseok, come on. Jimin is clearly upset about it. He knows it was a mistake.”

Jin says then, trying to calm Hoseok down a little and neutralise the conversation.

“It’s fine, he’s right. I should have never done that. I will never forgive myself.”

He says, turning his glass of whisky around in his fingers on the table just to distract himself from reality.

“Maybe it would be nice to talk to a professional about it. Not that I think you need help, it’s not a crime to be attracted to younger guys, though it’s better to look for someone in your own age range. But just about the guilt feelings. I can see you’ve been eating yourself up for a long time.”

Jin says then, uncharacteristically sincere. Jimin feels terrible but at the same time a little bit lighter. He knows his friends will see him differently, but at least now it’s out there, and it won’t be chasing him constantly as this big secret.

And it doesn’t sound that bad. To talk to someone that isn’t his cat. Jeongguk has been a terrible experience. Well, not the sex, but the consequences. He doesn’t think he’s ever reached such a down in his life. Not even when he got his girlfriend pregnant at the age of 18.

“I think you’re right. I’ll.. I’ll look for a therapist.”

He says, looking down at his whisky.

The rest of the evening goes by rather quickly. It’s awkward, Hoseok won’t look at him, and so he just drinks until he feels less like a complete failure.

Once home, he reaches immediately for the liquor cabinet. He hasn’t drunk in a long time, but tonight he needs it. It’s not the best coping mechanism but it’s easy and it’s accessible and it’s cheaper than therapy.

Seeing Jeongguk again really took a toll on him. Being forced to confess what happened, the way Hoseok and Jin had looked at him, it weighs down on him.

And Jeongguk, ugh.

Jeongguk..

Jimin groans and rubs his forehead, still seeing that expression, those twinkling eyes. He’s so fucking beautiful, it’s actually unfair. Jimin used to be a devoted husband, never so much as looked at other guys for decades, why did Jeongguk have to catch his interest? Why did he give in so easily?

Was it just need? Just his body needing it after so long? Was it convenience, Jeongguk being there, willing? Or did he actually, despite hating him, have a little thing for him, as Jeongguk put it?

Whatever it was, he doesn’t want to think about it, he just wants to drown himself in alcohol.

So, when the doorbell rings later, he can barely even lift himself, hiccuping as he stumbles to the door. Did he drink til morning? Is this the mailman?

Jeongguk is not the mailman.

A sad conclusion.

“Why are you here?”

Jimin asks, holding onto his doorframe to not fall over. He’s been sitting on his couch for so long that standing up blessed him with a dizziness that he’s unable to fend off.

Jeongguk eyes him over, blinking stupidly with his big brown eyes.

“Is it just me or are you absolutely smashed right now?”

“Smashed?”

“Drunk? Come on you watched reality tv with me, you know the word.”

The reminder of the terrible terrible show makes Jimin groan, and he’s about to go on a tangent to explain just how fucking terrible it was when he realises: Jeongguk is in front of him. Jeongguk is at his house. 

“Why- why are you here?”

He asks again, hiccuping in between.

“You really are hammered, oh my god. Why are you drinking so much?”

Jeongguk asks, ignoring his question. Jimin isn’t too quick right now, so he just frowns, trying to make sense of the situation.

“I’m just- I just- I needed a drink.”

Jeongguk’s lips spread into a grin, and a surprised laugh leaves his lips. Jimin hates to admit that he’s always liked the sound of that.

“You needed a drink? Why? Trying to forget something?”

Jeongguk cocks his head and takes a step closer, one foot in Jimin’s doorway.

Jimin watches his foot, alarms only going off in delay, Jeongguk is trying to come in. He lifts his head back up, it takes him a while before he finds Jeongguk’s eyes.

“Don’t come in. Why are you here?”

“For old time’s sake. Can I come in?”

“No. I just said don’t-“

“Please, Mr. Park?”

Oh. 

Jimin can’t believe that does something for him. Jeongguk is obviously doing it for shits and giggles, grinning at him so stupidly, like he knows it won’t work. But it does work, and that’s the pathetic part. Sober Jimin would really call drunk Jimin a weak homosexual now.

Get it together. Get it the fuck together.

“I have- I have a boyfriend.”

He brings past his lips. The oldest trick in the book. He needs to lie, he needs to make sure Jeongguk leaves his house without any other mistake.

“Yeah? What’s his name?”

Jeongguk asks, looking over his shoulder inside, inspecting everything he can see, unimpressed.

Names? Jimin doesn’t know any this split second, all that comes to mind is

“John.”

Jeongguk looks at him, face impassive.

“John.”

He deadpans.

Jimin nods, because it’s better to have a fake English boyfriend than let Jeongguk into his house. He’s so drunk that he sees double at the moment, and worse is that both Jeongguk’s do not believe him at all, and just walk into his house.

“Jeongguk-“

“Hey John?”

Jeongguk calls through the empty house. Jimin scurries after him, embarrassment hitting him hard because there is obviously no boyfriend. And he’s failed to keep Jeongguk out.

“Mm, he must have left through the window.”

Jeongguk muses, looking around the house, touching all the new furniture Jimin made, taking in the new colours and art on the walls. And then Pebble comes in, meowing loudly.

“Ah, actually, it seems he turned into a cat, sir.”

Jeongguk says as he kneels down, trying to pet Pebble, but Pebble doesn’t care about him.

Jimin rubs over his forehead in distress, and Jeongguk just stands up slowly, smug smile on his face. There’s really nothing to say, so Jimin just sighs and stumbles to his couch.

“Go home. I don’t want to see you.”

“Mmh, you said that earlier.” Jeongguk nods, guiding Jimin to sit down as if he’s unable to do that anymore. “But you’re drunk, and John has turned into a cat, so who’s gonna make your hangover soup later?”

Hangover soup? Later?

The words process slowly, and then he shakes his head.

“No one. You’re not staying over.”

“Just like I couldn’t come in, I won’t stay over.”

Jeongguk promises.

Jimin shakes his head again.

“I mean it Jeongguk. You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Yeah? What about it was the worst?” Jeongguk asks, raising an eyebrow. “The part where you fucked me on this couch until you saw stars? Or the part where you could never do it again?”

No, not this again.

Jimin’s mind goes into that black hole where it replays their entire night in double speed until it’s just white static.

“I don’t want to talk about it. It was a mistake.”

“You can’t call it a mistake. We were both drunk, we both wanted it. It was mindblowing, i would’ve never broken up with your daughter if it wasn’t that good.”

Jimin blinks, doesn’t get the logic behind that at all. He just stares at his glass of whisky on the table, stuck in a dejá vù.

“You broke up with Yujin.. because it was good?”

Jeongguk nods, grabbing his glass of whisky as if he doesn’t need to ask, and takes a sip.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I told you, I broke up because I had a thing for you.”

Jimin only shakes his head, not liking where this story is going one bit. Just like last time, he just feels like he’s in danger, Jeongguk next to him is danger.

“When we had sex, I realised I liked you way more than I wanted to admit.”

Fuck no.

The corners of Jimin’s mouth pull down in disapproval, but his heartbeat picks up. Because he’s never let himself wonder about it. Sure, Jeongguk wanted to have sex back then, Jimin is not blind to his own face and body, he knows he looks good for his age, so that, he could still oversee.

But Jeongguk having a crush on him, like, romantically, that’s terrible. They’re 15 years apart, they have nothing in common. He’s a dad. Jeongguk is a student for all he knows. Nothing of that makes any sense.

Jimin sighs and leans his head back on the edge of the couch.

“And seeing you again today, I just realised I want you very badly.”

Jeongguk continues, but Jimin shakes his head again and zones out his voice, doesn’t want any more of it. He just wants this fever dream to be over, this hallucination has gone on way too long.

He closes his eyes and just lets darkness take him away.

When he wakes up, sadly, Jeongguk is still there.

It’s somewhere near 3 pm, and his head is aching so bad. But his house smells like soup, and his cat is purring happily in his lap which would never have happened if she hadn’t been fed already.

Shit. Nothing happened right?

He can’t remember much, only Jeongguk coming in, and taking him to the couch.

Did they fuck?

He looks down at himself, but he’s wrapped in a thin blanket, clothes still on. Nothing comes to mind. He’d probably remember having sex with Jeongguk no matter how far gone he was.

“Don’t worry I didn’t fuck you in your sleep or anything.”

Jeongguk announces, startling him. He looks up to see him approach with a bowl of soup in his hands, putting it down on the coffee table for him. His whisky glass isn’t there, Jeongguk must have cleaned.

tucked him in.. cleaned.. fed pebble.. and made food

like a boyfriend would.

Blood rushes up his neck as he looks at the bowl of soup. It smells fucking delicious, but he doesn’t want to eat it. He doesn’t want to grant Jeongguk that satisfaction.

“You should leave. I told you to leave hours ago.”

“You did. But I didn’t listen, so I’m still here.”

Jeongguk explains, sitting down next to him on the couch. Too close, too eager. A puppy. Big brown eyes sparkling as they look at him. Might as well be wagging a tail.

“You look cute, your eyes are puffy right now.”

Jimin flushes, hates that compliments like that make his heart beat faster. He focuses on the soup, the smoke making shapes as it rises.

“I mean it, I want you to leave.”

He tries again, trying not to salivate at the scent of the soup. He wants to eat it so bad, but for some reason it feels illegal to eat something Jeongguk made. As if he’ll give in again if he eats the soup.

“Why?”

“You know why. I just don’t want to see you. Preferably ever again. You ruined my relationship with my daughter.”

Jeongguk is quiet for a bit, and Jimin pets pebble in his lap, heart clenching as he thinks of how terrible his relationship is with Yujin.

“That’s a bit shallow don’t you think? You decided to stick your cock inside of me. I’d say we share the blame.”

Jimin whips his head towards Jeongguk, shame and anger now making place in his heart.

“You seduced me. You took advantage of me.”

“Oh no, definitely not. I was 24, you were 39. I did not take advantage of you. If anything, it’s the other way around.”

Jeongguk argues, and sure, if you look at the numbers, Jimin should have had the advantage, he’s the oldest, and he should have said no. But it wasn’t like that, and it feels unfair.

“That’s a lie. I didn’t want it, I tried keeping my distance but you kept filling my cup and asking about my sex life.”

Jeongguk’s eyebrows knit together, and his voice raises a bit.

“So? You could have told me you didn’t want to talk about it instead of giving all the details and making me crave it.”

“Making you crave it?” Jimin asks, also raising his voice, scaring pebble away. “Who was it that asked ever been with a younger guy? Wanna try? Wanna fuck me?”

Jeongguk scoffs at the imitation.

“You could have said no. I didn’t force you to fuck me, I never blackmailed you, I never took advantage of you. It was your choice, you wanted it.”

“I did not.” Jimin grits through his teeth. “I wanted to watch my boring quiz show. Then you came and made me drink, made me watch a show with guys kissing, asked me all those terrible questions until I was drunk enough for you to pounce on me.”

“Pounce on you?” Jeongguk asks, panting because of adrenaline, clearly pissed. “You kissed me first. You wanted it just as bad.”

Jimin shakes his head.

“I told you we couldn’t. I said we can’t do this. But you were dressing out and touching yourself already, I had nothing to say.”

“You could have.” Jeongguk says, not backing down. “You could have said stop, you could have said no. But you didn’t. If you didn’t want to, why didn’t you say anything?”

Jimin feels his throat tighten at the question because he knows Jeongguk is right about it. He knows that he could have said no, he should have said no.

“I was drunk. You kept refilling my glass and-“

“That’s bullshit.” Jeongguk cuts him off. “Just fucking admit that you wanted it too. It wasn’t the alcohol, you would have fucked me sober.” 

“I would not.”

He says again.

Jeongguk laughs, distressed, rubs his forehead in disbelief.

“Did I make you drink? Did I force you?”

He asks then, and Jimin bites on the inside of his cheek. Because it isn’t like Jeongguk made him drink, only that he kept refilling the glass.

“Did I force you to answer my questions?” Jeongguk continues. “Did I force myself on you?”

Jimin knows the answer is no. He knows it is, but he is too proud to say it. He doesn’t want to face reality. He needs it to be all Jeongguk’s fault to be able to live with himself.

Jeongguk leans in closer, and Jimin’s eyes widen, a mix of fear and twisted excitement when he can smell his cologne this close.

“Am I forcing myself on you now?”

Jeongguk asks, voice softer, but still powerful, trying to make a point.

Jimin looks into his big eyes, heart pounding like crazy because of how close he is. Mind filling up with memories of their first kiss. This is insane.

“Well? Am I?”

Jeongguk pushes. Jimin shakes his head, throat dry.

Jeongguk then lifts his head up by his chin, tilting his head a little, leaning in closer. Jimin gasps, eyes closing in anticipation of a kiss that never comes. Something is jumping around wildly in his chest, a feeling he can’t describe.

“Are you able to talk right now?”

Jeongguk asks, breath ghosting over his lips. Jimin shudders, torn apart by desire and fear. He can’t even think. How is he able to speak when his mind is just numb?

“Tell me no, and I’ll back away.”

No.

Jimin tries to will the word in his mouth, but instead Jeongguk is inching closer, lips brushing against his own and all he can think is fuck 

I want this

I want this so bad

The thought scares him, and because of that reality kicks in too. He backs away quickly, eyes wide.

Shame and disgust fill his stomach as he realises he wanted to give in. He wanted it. A year has passed and he hasn’t learned shit, he’s still sick. He still craves Jeongguk like he hasn’t craved anyone.

Sick, sick, sick.

“Get out.”

Jimin says, his stomach turning, colour of his face draining. He doesn’t wait for Jeongguk to leave before running to his toilet and throwing up all the whisky from the night before. That sour taste burns in his throat, embodying the very reality of his desire. It’s sick. Lusting after a guy like Jeongguk, a guy almost half his age, a guy who dated his daughter. It’s sick.

When he stumbles back to the living room, Jeongguk has left, soup still on the coffee table.