Straight Until Proven Gay (kissing doesn’t count) • Chapter 16 • 5.6K (Patreon)

< Chapter 15

——————

He’s kind of a mess after that talk.

Jimin avoids him at volleyball training, and doesn’t grant him any looks whenever he’s over to hang out with Taehyung.

He can’t make up his mind. Why did Jimin cry when he told him he lied? Is his appearance so important to him? He doesn’t really seem like someone who cares what others think, especially not about something like looks.

And also, why would Jimin care about anything he said? that doesn’t make any sense at all, they’ve always been their absolute worst around each other.

Jimin should just get over himself.

———————

He tries to brush past it, ignoring Jimin isn’t something he is unfamiliar with anyway. But, he feels guilty whenever he sees him. And whenever he doesn’t see him, he’s thinking about him.

He tries to act like that talk never happened, making snarky remarks at Jimin’s volley play, but he gets nothing in return. Sometimes he just asks an awkward how are you doing? when Taehyung isn’t around, but Jimin will give him a fine and not even look him in the eyes.

It’s so fucking ridiculous. It pisses him off to no end.

———————

It’s on a game day that he’s really had enough of Jimin’s indifference.

He’s been trying to give Jimin some tips, because he knows their opposing team players well. They’ve never won against them. He knows the way they misdirect, he knows which players hit hard, but Jimin won’t take any directions from him. And they’re losing.

So he starts playing libero, just to piss Jimin off and show him how it’s done. He takes every hit, dives for every ball, and makes sure to be in Jimin’s way at all times. Hoseok gives him a glance that translates to: what the fuck are you doing? but he couldn’t care less.

If Jimin can be petty, so can he.

They call for a time-out, and Jimin immediately grabs him by his collar when they’re on the side of the court. Jeongguk has to try his best not to let the corners of his mouth curl up.

“What the fuck is up with you Jeon?!”

Finally.

Jimin stares at him, ends of his blonde hair sweaty and sticking to his face, his eyes full of simmering hatred, cheeks a nice shade of red. Jeongguk loves to be looked at like this, to finally get some sort of reaction out of him. It’s been weeks.

He grabs Jimin’s wrist, leans in closer.

“You’re playing terribly and we’re losing, so I’m doing it for you.”

“You fucking asshole, I’m playing as well as I-“

“It’s not good enough. You’re not listening to me.”

“Why would I listen to you?!”

“Because I’ve closed the fucking gap you made!”

“Guys.” Hoseok calls, putting his hands on both their shoulders and pushing them apart. “Save it for after the game.”

Jimin is panting, still glaring at him, clenching his jaw. He looks so fucking hot.

“And sorry Jimin, but Jeongguk is right, you need to listen to him whether you like it or not. We’ve played this team before, they’re ruthless.”

Hah.

Jeongguk can’t help but smirk, and Jimin looks like he could strangle him. Before they get back on the court Hoseok slaps the back of his head.

“Get your act together gguk.”

Jeongguk pulls a face, but when he sees that serious look in Hoseok’s eyes he nods shortly.

———————

Jimin actually listens to his directions, and even though Jeongguk can see the slight expressions of annoyance, they’ve finally caught up, winning 2 sets in a row.

It’s the last set. They’re only 1 point away from victory when a nasty hit comes over the net.

Hoseok has to take it, even though he’s the setter, and it flies across the court towards Jimin.

Jeongguk catches Jimin’s gaze, something about it electrifies him. He knows exactly what to do in an instant.

Jimin passes the ball to him, and Jeongguk jumps, hitting it over the net with more force than usual, landing it exactly in the blind spot behind the blockers.

The referee hands them the point, and then blows the whistle.

They’ve won.

The team erupts in victory yells behind him, and he turns to join the circle, getting pat on the back by everyone, gets his hair ruffled by Hoseok for making the winning point.

It’s just Jimin who doesn’t acknowledge him, and so the victory has a bitter aftertaste to it.

———————

It’s not the classiest move, but when they’re in the changing rooms he pins Jimin against the lockers while the rest of the team is making a ruckus in the showers.

“What’s your problem?”

He asks.

Jimin looks at where he’s holding his shoulder, then into his eyes. He’s trying to keep a blank expression, but Jeongguk can see the slight twitch of annoyance of his eyebrow.

“I told you to fuck off, why can’t you leave me alone?”

“Cause you’re acting childish. Stop ignoring me.”

Jimin looks from one eye to the other, and Jeongguk feels a shiver run down his spine just from finally being close again. It’s been way too long without this; he’s having withdrawals. They need to be even closer, he wants to feel that addictive feeling he gets when they touch.

“I told you, I’m not gonna wait for you to figure out what you want.”

Jimin says, trying to get away from his grip, but Jeongguk cages him in by leaning his other hand next to his head against the lockers.

“I want you to stop ignoring me. If I hurt your feelings get over it, spit in my face, hit me, I don’t care, anything but this.”

To be honest he hadn’t actually thought he’d get spit in the face right after proposing it, but then again, he did ask for it. He closes one of his eyes, wipes it with the back of his hand. Jimin’s eyes darken, and he leans his head back against the lockers, tilting his chin up a bit.

A rush of heat runs down Jeongguk’s spine, his cock twitches in his volley shorts. Which is definitely not what’s supposed to happen when you get spit on. His eyes widen at his own reaction, but he tries his best not to let his arousal show.

“Apologise.”

Jimin says.

Jeongguk swallows at the tone of voice, feels like a dog with its tail between his legs when Jimin stares down at him like this.

“Apologise for what?”

Adrenaline rushes through his veins, along with twisted excitement, setting his body on fire. There’s an inexplainable need driving him even closer. But when he leans in, Jimin puts his hand on his chest to keep him at an arm length’s distance.

“Apologise.”

“For what?”

Jeongguk asks, eyes flickering down to Jimin’s lips once.

“For being a fucking dick.”

“A dick? I only said I lied and you started crying on me.”

Jimin laughs then, offended. Jeongguk can see the hurt in his eyes, even though he’s trying to look tough.

“If you don’t think you should apologise, then go see a fucking therapist.”

Jeongguk gets pushed back with quite some force, and once again he watches Jimin walk away.

———————

He knows he should see Hye-sung, but he can’t bring himself to do it.

It’s partially because he’s petty, because Jimin told him to do it and he just doesn’t want to listen. But there’s something else too. Each time he sees an appointment his agenda, he feels this thing that can only be described as impeding doom. He keeps cancelling sessions, keeps rescheduling them.

On top of that, he hasn’t told Taehyung about the whole threesome thing either. Thinks that maybe he should once he’s told Hye-sung, but he keeps trying to find a reason to cancel the next session.

Yoongi is the first one who notices, hitting him with a “lately you seem a little more like the person you were the first time you came here”

It’s painful. He thought he’d been making progress but it feels like he’s standing still. Or regressing even. Lying to Taehyung, arguing with Jimin, closing himself in.

Maybe he’s never really actually made any progress. Maybe he’s just been lying to himself all along.

His phone buzzes, and he’s afraid to look at the caller ID, but when he reads the name his anxiety spikes.

“Ji-woo?”

“Hey, Jeonggukie. I’m sorry to call so sudden.”

“That’s fine, is everything okay? Did my mom do anything?“

“Well, I’ve been taking her calls for you, but she started talking about marriage just now and I.. didn’t know what to say.”

Jeongguk sits up quickly, runs his hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’ll.. I’ll tell her we broke up.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind playing the part but she’s getting a bit serious.”

Fuck.

Of course she is. The whole gay allegation by Jae must have made her even more desperate. She probably wants him to settle down soon, maybe even before he graduates from university.

“I’m sorry, I’ll just tell her we broke up, you shouldn’t have to take all these calls.”

“I don’t mind, she’s not that bad, to me at least.”

Jeongguk sighs, rubs over his forehead.

“I don’t want you to keep putting up with her. You’ve done enough already.”

“It’s no big deal, really. Are you really sure? I know she’s very strict.”

Ah, how pathetic.

He’s relying on Hoseok’s sister to fix it for him. It can’t get any more sad than this. What would Hye-sung think?

What would Jimin think?

“I’m sure. I’ll call her. Thank you for playing the part for so long.”

“You’re welcome, it wasn’t that hard. You’re a lovable guy.”

Jeongguk stares at his wall, that sentence feels like a punch in the gut.

“Don’t know about that.. but thanks for your call.”

“No problem. Good luck with your mother, and if you need anything just give me a call.”

“Yeah, thanks again.”

He hangs up, a feeling of restlessness spreads through his body. He can’t sit still, fumbles with the fabric of his shirt, looks at his phone but doesn’t dare to go to his contacts.

What will his mother say?

If he tells her he broke up, will she yell at him? Would she come racing over again? His stomach twists as he looks through his contacts and finds her phone number, saved under: Lawyer

Here goes nothing.

It’s not even a second before she picks up.

“I’m busy, is this important?”

Jeongguk feels his skin break out in sweat, hand trembling around his phone.

“I broke up with Ji-woo.”

There’s a terrible, terrifying silence from the other end.

Every second that passes has his heartbeat picking up. He swallows, doesn’t know if his mother just hung up or if she’s still there, until he hears a sharp intake of breath. His eyes close tightly in reflex, but there’s no yelling, just an eerie: “I’ll come over after court.” before the line goes dead.

This day can’t get any fucking worse.

———————

The universe however, likes to kick him when he’s down.

“I cannot believe this Jeongguk. I just called Ji-woo about potential marriage dates and then you pull this? Do you have any idea how humiliating that is for me?”

“I’m sorry mother.”

She sighs, exasperated, eyes the couch with disgust before she decides to sit down on a chair instead.

At least this time he knew she was coming over, texted Taehyung to stay away. Took out all of his piercings and put on a long sleeved shirt to hide his tattoos. The only thing he cannot hide is his long hair.

“Aren’t you going to offer me tea?”

Jeongguk bites on the inside of his cheek, but he walks to the kitchen to put on the kettle. When he walks back, she is sitting upright, disapproving the state of house. There’s almost nothing out of place, everything is clean, but for that one glass that’s still on the table.

His mother eyes it intently before she looks at him, examines him the same way.

“What are you wearing? Where is your polo? And you need to go to a hairdresser, this looks terrible. Who cut it like this?”

“I’ll go later today.”

Jeongguk lies, listening to the water boiling. He doesn’t understand why she stays for tea, he knows very well she doesn’t want to be here. He makes it anyway, hands the cup to her and then sits down on the couch.

It’s awkward. They never have conversations about anything except business, which they usually discuss over the phone. He has the feeling she is only here to check if he’s not secretly gay.

She should have seen him earlier. Would have fainted upon the sight of his eyebrow piercing and lip piercing.

“Care to tell me why you broke up with Ji-woo?”

Jeongguk bites on his tongue, looks at his lap.

“We just.. didn’t click.”

“Don’t lie to me.” She crosses her legs. “She broke up with you, didn’t she?”

Nerves surge through his body, and he tenses up under her gaze. Usually she punishes him less when she can blame it all on the girl, like with Jae. As long as he’s the one who broke up, she can oversee it.

But he doesn’t want to paint Ji-woo in a bad light. So, as scared as he is, he just nods.

She clicks her tongue, sighs as she shakes her head.

“I knew it. She was way too good for you. Meanwhile you’ve been slacking off, look at the state of you.”

Her eyes run over him once more, corner of her mouth pulling down in disgust. Jeongguk pulls on the ends of his sleeves, afraid his tattoos might show even through the fabric.

“I’ve been putting this off for far too long. I thought giving you freedom to choose whoever you want would help, but clearly I was wrong.”

Jeongguk’s heart stops for a second. His mother rummages through her bag, then hands him a folder. It doesn’t say anything, just a black ominous folder without stamp.

He swallows as he opens it, sees – what seems like – a resume, a picture of a girl in the top left, then her name, job, income, family tree, hobbies. When he flips to the next page there’s another girl, and another girl, and another girl.

Impending doom.

“What is this?”

He asks, barely dares to, because he knows. He knows what this is.

“These are daughters of some of my clients. When you graduate you will have to marry. I need you to have an influential wife when you take over the company.”

A.. wife.

Marrying.

Jeongguk feels sick to his stomach. All colour drains from his face as he stares blankly at the folder. He knew this day would come. It’s why his brother left and never came back. In this life, he can never choose for himself.

With trembling hands he closes the folder and looks up at his mother. She doesn’t notice his state, or simply doesn’t care as she flips her hair back.

“I’d like you to make a decision before September. You can meet with them and choose which one you like best.”

She says it as if that’s a privilege.

Jeongguk is completely lost for words, mind blank, nauseous. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want any of it. A year ago, he would have nodded silently and agreed, probably wouldn’t even have cared. But he’s changed, and it’s all because of-

Ding dong.

Jeongguk stands up immediately, doesn’t care who’s in front of his door, but he needs just a second away from this situation. A second to breathe.

It’s Taehyung.

Even though he texted him to stay away.

“Who’s that Jeongguk?”

He ignores his mother as he opens the door.

“Sorry, forgot my key at Hoseok’s.” Taehyung says, then nods his head towards the living room, mouthing the last part without sound. “She still here?”

Jeongguk nods, so grateful that he’s not alone anymore.

“Oh, Taehyung, it’s been a while.”

His mother says, already moved her way to the hall. She’s always been nosy.

“Mrs. Jeon.”

Taehyung greets her with a smile, gives Jeongguk a pat on his lower back as he walks into the living room, exchanging pleasantries with his mother.

Jeongguk takes his time to catch his breath, as he half-listens to their conversation. The black folder clouds his mind. He doesn’t even want to look at the coffee table, wants to pretend it isn’t there.

“Won’t you take him to see a hairdresser?”

Is the first thing he picks up on when he rejoins the conversation.

“Yes, we were going to do that soon.”

Taehyung lies so easily, gives her a smile.

Thank god he’s here. He can’t even pretend to be the son she wants at the moment.

“Actually, I was just picking him up to go to the gym, so.”

It’s a lie, but his mother is all too happy to have an excuse to leave earlier.

“Oh! Don’t let me keep you then. I shall take my leave.”

She goes to grab her stuff, everything except the black folder. She gives him a look, doesn’t even say a word about it, but he knows what it means. He needs to make a choice soon.

“I’ll be hearing from you. I’ll text their families as well, that you’ll be in touch.”

Fuck.

There’s no way to avoid it now. He gives a short nod, feels a little lightheaded, like he can faint at any second.

“Thank you for stopping by.”

He says, as courtesy.

“Hopefully I won’t have to see you again so soon.”

She says, as a warning.

He watches her turn on her heel, making her way out of the door. Once it closes he’s ready for those nerves to dissipate, to feel that weight fall of his shoulders, but it doesn’t. The feeling just accumulates in his stomach, makes him nauseous.

He looks at Taehyung, and once his eyes land on those warm brown ones, he almost breaks down.

“I thought I texted you to stay away.”

“Yeah you did but..” Taehyung nods at the door where his mother just left. “You didn’t think I’d leave you alone with her, right?”

Oh..

His heart clenches.

It’s so sweet that it just adds to the guilt he feels, and honestly he wishes he could just sink through the floor right now. He’s been avoiding Taehyung for weeks just for him to show up and help.

He’s been such a terrible friend, lusting after Jimin, keeping all these secrets, avoiding him whenever he can’t make up his mind. While Taehyung just stands right beside him, runs his slender fingers through his hair to comfort him.

“You look really pale, what happened?”

Jeongguk sucks his lower lip into his mouth, slowly turns his head to the coffee table.

“She gave you that?”

Taehyung asks, slowly walking over to the folder. Jeongguk nods, takes a few steps too, feels so heavy, like a stone is weighing him down.

“It’s a..”

He cuts himself off, doesn’t know what to even call it. Taehyung just opens it, skims over the pages one by one, a crease appearing between his brows.

“What are these? Applications?”

Jeongguk nods, taking another step, gently confiscating the folder.

“They’re.. potential partners. For me.”

His voice comes out a little shaky.

“They’re what?”

Taehyung looks at him as if he just made the most unfunny joke. And Jeongguk wishes it was. He wishes all of this is just some bad dream, that he’ll wake up soon to see that everything is just fine.

But the folder feels very real underneath his fingers, his heartbeat thumps in his ears, and he knows it’s real.

It’s as real as Taehyung’s expression changing from confusion to shock.

“They’re.. they’re not just partners, are they? They’re potential wives.”

Jeongguk’s stomach drops at the word, and he has to put the folder down to create some sort of distance from it.

It’s completely unreal.

Even though he should have seen it coming. He’s known this would happen ever since his brother left. Maybe even before that, maybe it was around the time his father died.

“Fuck, I didn’t think arranged marriage was still a thing.” Taehyung says, running a hand through his hair as if he’s the one who has to choose a wife. “Are you- are you really gonna do it?”

Jeongguk doesn’t know if he’s numb or if he’s panicking so much that his nervous system is shutting down, but he needs a moment. He sits down on the couch, and just focuses on his breathing.

Taehyung accompanies him quickly, sits down next to him and wraps an arm around him. It’s warm, and it feels so comfortable. He doesn’t even deserve any of it, but he can’t help but lean into the touch.

Everything feels so heavy, except for this touch. Jae has never held him quite like this. He’s never even been comfortable enough to be vulnerable like this around anyone.

“Jeonggukie, can I help? You know you don’t have to do it, right? She can’t force you to marry someone you don’t want.”

Taehyung’s low, soothing voice makes his eyes sting just a bit, heartbeat picking up because he’s such a fucking idiot. Why did he even think this life was his own? Why has he been pretending to be someone else when his future has already been set?

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. She doesn’t control you.”

Jeongguk lifts his head up, looks into Taehyung’s eyes, and he feels something. It’s a nostalgic feeling. The first time they met, he had this static feeling as well, whenever they made eye contact.

“She kind of does though. I’m studying to take over the family business, she has my bank account under her control. One misstep and she will cut me off from everything, I can’t even live here anymore if that happens.”

“You think I would let her take you away? If it comes to that I’ll make sure we can afford this place, you can keep working at the parlour, and we’ll find a way to pay your tuition, you’re not going anywhere.”

Taehyung has this look of determination, and for a second or two Jeongguk feels it too. This sense of freedom, this longing. But the thing is, Taehyung doesn’t have a support system either, he was raised by his grandmother who passed away. Jeongguk is able to afford this because of his mother, and if she cuts him off, it won’t be just him, it will impact Taehyung as well.

He smiles a little sadly, shakes his head.

“I don’t think it will work. The parlour is just enough to afford my therapy.. you don’t even have time for a part-time job next to your classes.”

“Then we’ll ask Hoseok to help, and Jimin, we can make it work. You’re not gonna marry some girl your mother picked for you.”

Taehyung grabs his hand, squeezes it to try and make him see the vision.

But he doesn’t.

“Me and Jimin in one room is gonna just lead to disaster anyway.”

He bites on his tongue, shouldn’t have said it. But Taehyung already catches on, tilts his head.

“Something happen?”

Fuck.

Why does he keep fucking up?

He feels guilt gnaw at the inside of his heart, looks at Taehyung and can’t even get a word out.

“You mean the threesome?”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen, and he has to replay that sentence a few more times before he can confirm that Taehyung really just said that.

“Sorry, I should have told you, but I saw you three together at Sway, and then saw you leave together.” Taehyung lets go of his hand, rubs the back of his neck. “And I met Jimin on my way back home. He seemed caught.”

Oh fuck.

this is insane.

His body goes completely still, fight or flight kicking in.

“And the next morning I saw the girl leave your room, so I put two and two together. Or one and two, you know, that makes three.” Taehyung says, shrugging. “I figured you would probably need some time to tell me so.. I’m not upset, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Jeongguk has to take a few seconds to process all of that. His heart pounds against his ribcage, ears buzzing a little, but when he sees that Taehyung is genuinely okay, he gains a bit of control back over his body.

“O-oh.” That’s the first thing that comes out. “Oh, fuck, I.. I’m so fucking sorry-“

“Don’t be sorry, I know it’s difficult.” Taehyung grabs his shoulder, small smile on his lips. “I’m sorry I’ve been so preoccupied with myself, I didn’t really notice how much you’re struggling.”

Shit, he’s gonna cry.

Something about that sentence just knocks the air out of his lungs and he feels so incredibly exposed that tears well up. He covers his face, ashamed that he’s the one crying when Taehyung should be angry at him.

They made a promise, he was gonna tell him if anything happened between Jimin and him, and he’s been keeping this threesome a secret for weeks.

“I- I don’t get it. Why are you saying this? I’ve been lying to you-“

“You’re not lying to me, you’re hiding from me.”

Taehyung grabs his wrists, and gently removes his hands from his face, looks at him with a tenderness that makes Jeongguk feel even worse.

“I’ve only realised it after how you talked about Jimin that day after movie night, how much you’re really struggling. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“I’m not- I’m not struggling I’m an asshole- you shouldn’t be saying sorry, you should be furious-“

“But you are struggling. You’ve been cancelling your therapy sessions, you’ve been hiding in your room, you’ve removed your piercings. And now suddenly, you want to listen to what your mom says? That’s not the Jeongguk you were a few weeks ago.”

Taehyung says, clear concern written all over his face.

Jeongguk can’t help it, the tears rolling down his cheeks. Somehow he thought he’d been pretty good at pretending everything is fine, but Taehyung has been noticing all these little things, it’s almost embarrassing.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened that night with Jimin, but I can tell that it’s bothering you.“ Taehyung caresses through his hair. “And this stuff with your mom is making it worse.”

Jeongguk looks through his blurry vision at the folder on the table, a feeling of helplessness spreading through him.

“I- I don’t know what to do.” He confesses, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. “I’m fucking everything up.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“No, listen. You’re just trying your best. But you have to see your therapist. You’ve been postponing that session for a reason, and I think you need to face it.”

It’s true.

He’s been cancelling that session because he’s got this restless feeling that he just can’t shake. As if going to therapy is gonna fuck him up more than his mother just did.

“I don’t know..”

He looks down, shuddering slightly at the thought of facing Hye-sung.

“I think you do know.” Taehyung says, nudging his shoulder with his own. “Remember when you threw out your old clothes and got your piercings? You were kind of in a similar state before that happened. Something pushed you over that edge, remember?”

Oh, he remembers.

“..someone.”

He corrects softly, ashamed to admit it.

“Jimin?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

Jeongguk looks at the floor, the setting slowly coming back to him. He had Jimin by the collar, in Sway, they were arguing.

“He said.. that I was trying so hard to get my mom’s approval that I stripped myself of any personality.”

And yet you’re still so fucking unhappy.

Ah, Jimin, really.

He’s not even here and the words hit him like a fucking truck. More tears fall, and Taehyung pulls him close as he sniffles.

“Well, that’s a little harsh. But I do think he’s right in a sense. You’re your own person, and you don’t have to live a life that only exists in her imagination. Whatever happens, you know me and Hoseok are here for you, right?”

Jeongguk feels his throat get a little tight, so he just nods, leaning his head against Taehyung’s shoulder, crying silently.

It’s quite liberating, to cry like this. He usually doesn’t allow himself to do it, but it feels like he needs it. And Taehyung lets him cry, just holds him tight, caresses over his back. They stay like that for a good while, before he pulls back and dries his eyes.

Taehyung grants him a warm smile, and Jeongguk feels that weird feeling again. That nostalgic, sort of pull, in his chest.

“I think you should make that appointment. You’ll probably feel better, even if it is a bit difficult at the start.”

Jeongguk looks down at his phone, and he nods then.

“Yeah, I’ll.. I’ll call her.”

He looks up, takes a deep breath.

“Thanks Tae..”

It’s all he can muster, even though he wants to say so much more. But Taehyung smiles and shakes his head, pats his head a few times.

“You’re welcome.”

“No really- I.. I really needed that, and I’m so sorry for not telling you, and for my mom, and for-“

“Jeonggukie, it’s really fine.” Taehyung assures, and Jeongguk feels a weight lift off of him just like that. “Just promise me you’ll make that appointment with your therapist.”

Jeongguk swallows, but he nods.

“I promise.”

———————

He calls Hye-sung later that day, even, heartbeat in his throat when she picks up.

“Jeongguk?”

Fuck, he’s sweating.

“I’m ready for that session.”

——————

“You know, I’m beginning to think you’re playing with Blondie’s feelings instead of the other way around.”

Maybe he wasn’t ready for this session.

Jeongguk swallows as he looks at Hye-sung. He knew it would be tough, to confess all of it. She always speaks her mind, doesn’t sugarcoat it.

“I’m not. I’ve told him I’m straight-“

“But you still initiate physical contact.”

“Yeah but it’s because we both know it’s just sex, nothing more.”

“But it isn’t just sex if you call him, and I quote, so fucking beautiful in the midst of it.”

Jeongguk feels his breath hitch, and he looks away, cheeks burning up.

“And then you told him that was a lie, when you and I both know it isn’t. You meant that. You think he’s beautiful. Why did you go out of your way to tell him it was a lie?”

Ah.

He really hates therapy.

He loves Hye-sung, but he hates therapy.

Why is he the bad guy in every session? Why is it always: look within yourself. Why can’t Hye-sung agree that Jimin is an asshole and he deserved to be on the receiving end for once. He deserved to be put in his place after all the mean things he said to him.

“And not only that, but you even tried to gaslight him into believing he was manipulating you.”

Jeongguk clenches his jaw, feels guilt rushing through his body as he hears himself say that.

“Why did you do that? What drove you to that point?”

“Nothing. He just deserved it.”

He tries to convince himself it’s just that, tries to look at Hye-sung like he believes it firmly, but the slightest twitch of his mouth and she sees right through him.

There’s something about the way she looks at him that makes him want to disappear. He knows that look, he’s seen it before when he told Taehyung he wasn’t questioning his sexuality.

She’s pitying him.

“I know you don’t honestly believe that.”

Hye-sung says, putting her coffee down slowly, folding her hands together. She looks serious, and Jeongguk braces himself for the next question.

“What happened? when you said you thought he was beautiful?”

Fuck.

Jeongguk can’t hide his discomfort. He feels sweat prickle over his back, wishes he was anywhere but here. He’s afraid to look Hye-sung in the eyes.

He knows why he’s been cancelling this session.

“Try to think back of that moment.”

She pushes, making it worse.

When Jeongguk closes his eyes, he sees it. The way Jimin looked at him with that unfamiliar emotion in his eyes, a sparkle he’d never seen before, and then the way he kissed him without even letting him breathe, it made him feel so many things that he wasn’t able to function.

“Can you describe it? The feeling?”

There’s pressure on his chest, like he can just burst any second.

He can’t breathe.

Everything is falling apart.

“It was fucking terrifying.”

He admits, feeling his heartbeat in his throat, his head spinning.

Hye-sung is silent for a while, and then she asks another question, carefully.

“Do you think that maybe.. you were feeling something real?”

..

Jeongguk swallows, eyes prickling with tears.

he doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

That whenever he’s with Jimin it’s like he suddenly feels alive.

That when he said that, something clicked.

That for a moment, everything felt right.

Shit, he’s falling apart.

“Did you lie to him because.. you were scared that he felt it too?”

Jeongguk shuts down.

He can’t say a thing. He just stares at the table, trying to keep it together.

But all his walls are breaking down.

He can’t hide anymore.

Hye-sung is looking at him, the real him, for the first time.

“Jeongguk, you know it’s okay to cry right? If anything, this is the place to cry.”

“Fuck.”

He chokes up, puts his head in his hands, an overwhelming amount of emotions at the same time come crashing down on him.

Hye-sung isn’t supposed to come sit by his side and rub over his back, it’s against protocol, but she does it anyway, and Jeongguk thinks that this might be what it would feel like if he had a mother who actually cared for him.

And that just makes him cry more.

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Chapter 17 >