Straight Until Proven Gay (kissing doesn’t count) • Chapter 19 • 7.3K (Patreon)

< Chapter 18

——————

He hasn’t had a blink of sleep.

Not that he tried, he hasn’t really closed his eyes at all. It’s been Hoseok’s soft snores, the gentle waves of the sea, and the slow sunrise for a while now.

But nothing to distract him enough from the terrible, empty feeling inside of him.

Should he just have let it happen? If they would have actually had sex, maybe it would have all just made sense.

But it just.. felt wrong.

Maybe a few months ago, he’d have leaped at the opportunity. If this situation presented itself then, he might have just fucked Jimin, and let all his frustration and anger out.

Now, however, it’s not just frustration and anger. It has actually never been frustration and anger. Last therapy session really slapped him in the face with that hard truth. He’s never really hated Jimin in the first place, he’s just been scared of how Jimin makes him feel.

But does it matter in the long run?

He sits up slowly, tries not to wake Hoseok.

When he grabs a shirt from his bag, a glimpse of the black folder catches his eye. His stomach turns, and he tosses some other clothes on top of it.

But it’s already there in the back of his mind, clawing its way to the front.

Can he really stop this path that has already been laid out for him?

His heart clenches, and he grabs his phone, opens the tent, and walks out.

The sun has barely breached the surface of the horizon, just a fine line that colours the morning sky a wispy orange.

He walks along the shore barefoot, phone in his pocket, hand clenched around it because he really wants to make a call, even though it’s been years. There is just something he’s been dying to ask lately.

So he puts his pride aside, and just calls.

It wouldn’t surprise him if his number changed, or if he didn’t pick up.

“Jeongguk?”

Ah.

It’s been so long, his voice has gotten lower.

“Hi.”

He looks at the sand, feels his throat starting to feel tight already.

“It’s like 5 in the morning there, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” It’s an automatic response, but then he sighs, shakes his head. “Not really.”

“Something happen with mom?”

“No, I don’t know, I’m not home right now.”

“Where are you? Are you okay?”

His increasing worry makes him feel angry. Jung-hyun has never cared about him like that before, so why is he pretending all of sudden after years of no contact?

“I’m fine.”

Why is he calling him in the first place? He should just hang up. But he doesn’t, he just stands still, looks at the waves reaching his feet.

“You don’t sound fine.”

Jeongguk bites on the inside of his cheek, hates that he can tell.

“Why do you care? It’s not like you’ve called the past 8 years.”

Ah, even saying it makes his blood boil. It’s quiet on the other end for a while.

“I know..”

Jeongguk waits for something else. An apology maybe, or a justification. But when it doesn’t come he just feels more anger rushing through his body.

“Yeah? You know but you just don’t care, is that it?”

“No, I care. But I know I can’t say anything to make it up to you.”

Jeongguk huffs, smiles even though his hand trembles around his phone.

“Oh good, so you won’t even try? Taking the easy way out as fucking always?”

“Jeongguk..”

Jung-hyun’s soft tone makes his eyes sting a little bit, and it’s unfair. It’s too late for this.

“If I told you I’m sorry now, would it make a difference?”

“I don’t know, but something would be nice after 8 fucking years of not talking.” A crude laugh escapes him, it’s more of a nervous tick than it is anything else. “It might not change a fucking thing but maybe it would be nice if you actually pretended to care.”

“I do care, I picked up, didn’t I?”

“Oh, well congratulations. Brother of the fucking decade. You picked up the only phone call I ever made.”

Some birds fly away because of how loud he’s talking.

“How many phone calls did you make to me?”

“None.”

“Exactly. Fucking none.”

“But I checked in on you. I know you’re studying business, I know you live with Taehyung, I know you’re on the volleyball team.”

For some reason, that makes it even worse. Jeongguk pokes his tongue in his cheek, sucks in a sharp breath.

“You think that changes anything? You stalking my Instagram somehow makes up for the fact you left me alone when dad died?”

“No, it doesn’t. Nothing makes up for it, I know that.”

“Good. Glad you’re self-aware.”

“But I didn’t do it to leave you alone, you know that right?”

Jeongguk holds his breath, a tear rolls down his cheek. And he fucking hates that after all these years it still hurts.

“Yeah, I know.” it hurts so fucking bad. “I know why you left. But I’m still so fucking mad at you.”

“I know. You have every right to be.”

Ah, fuck, why is it making him feel worse? On one hand he’d hoped Jung-hyun wouldn’t be this understanding, because it fucking sucks.

He wants to scream, but there is a lump in his throat and nothing that he can say now will make any difference.

“I know you had to go. I know you didn’t want this life. I know this was the only fucking choice you had.” He wipes his tears with the back of his hand. “But how could you leave me alone with her?”

It’s silent for a while on the other end, but he hears a soft sniffle then.

“I would have taken you with me if I could.”

Jeongguk sinks down, sits down on the sand and just lets his tears fall.

How different would his life have been if he could have just gone with him, traveled abroad, left this place behind.

And it doesn’t make up for anything, but he still feels some sense of relief wash over him. Maybe because he was finally able to make this call, after pride has always held him back.

“I’m sorry Jeongguk. I know it doesn’t change anything, and I know you can’t forgive me. But I am sorry, you didn’t deserve any of it.”

Jeongguk pulls his knees closer, and just rests his forehead on them, trying to cry silently but sometimes he sobs, can’t help it.

The thing is, he wants to blame Jung-hyun so bad for all of it, he really does. But the truth is, he wishes he could do the same thing.

“And I know it’s way too late, but I can help you if you want to leave, with a visa, with finances.”

He wipes his tears, tilts his head up to look at the sea.

It’s tempting, to just leave everything behind and start over.

However..

Jimin, Taehyung, Hoseok, Yoongi..

“I can’t just leave.”

More than that though, he doesn’t want to.

Running away isn’t gonna change a single thing, he’d just be miserable in some place else.

“I have friends here.. I have.. someone that I..”

Bleach blonde hair and dark brown eyes flash in his mind.

“Love.”

Oh, love.

He just said love.

“Ah, you do?”

He stares at the sea, eyes wide.

the orange hue of the sky reflects on the surface of the water, the pastel blue clouds like a painting.

“What’s their name?”

“I-I have to go.”

He hangs up quickly, fingers trembling, body shaking just a little bit.

What the fuck did he just say?

“Jeonggukie! There you are.”

Hoseok startles him.

He looks up, still completely breathless.

“I heard you leave and thought you went for a piss but you were gone way too long and it’s like 5 in the morning.”

Hoseok reaches his hand out, so he takes it, stands up on his feet.

“Are you okay? What happened yesterday, had a fight with Jimin?”

Jeongguk has to take two seconds, kind of lightheaded. He wants to push the other conversation away, but the word love keeps repeating itself in his mind.

“I- yeah- I.. we fought.”

“Have you even slept? You look really pale.”

“I haven’t.”

Hoseok scans over his face, touches his forehead with the back of his hand.

“You’re a bit chilly, I think you should lie down.”

Before he can say anything, Hoseok just grabs his wrist and drags him back towards the tent.

“I don’t think lying down is gonna help.”

It’s not gonna reverse what he just said.

“It will help, no sleep will actually fuck you up. Whatever happened between you and jimin, I think you need some common sense to be able to talk to him about it.”

Talking to Jimin.

Him and Jimin, talking.

His heartbeat picks up, fear kicking in.

“Yeah..”

How the fuck is he going to apologise when he’s-

Hoseok urges him into the tent, and he just lies down on his wonky air mattress.

What the fuck did he just say?

Why did it slip past his lips like that?

It doesn’t make any sense.

“Jeongguk?”

“Yeah?”

He whips his head towards Hoseok.

“Sleep.”

Hoseok zips up the tent.

He just lies there, wide eyed, heart in his throat.

Sleep never comes.

———————

See it doesn’t make any sense.

There’s no way he just said that to his brother.

Because, to love someone.. that’s nothing like this, right?

The uncomfortable feeling of seeing Jimin first thing in the morning, that knot in his stomach.

The thrill that runs down his spine when Jimin glares at him.

The lump in his throat when he tries to say something that just doesn’t want to come out.

How he instantly braces himself when Jimin walks past him.

How he wishes Jimin would at least argue with him just to have some sort of conversation.

In what world is that considered love?

The tension in his gut when they play volleyball together. The static eye contact they make across the field.

He can’t possibly.. enjoy all of that

Ah, but there’s an ache specifically in his chest every time Jimin averts his gaze, every time Jimin walks away from him.

It’s this terrible, empty type of ache. One where he tries to tiptoe closer but Jimin just gets further and further away.

the thing is, he knows that Jimin is in his right to take his distance after yesterday, but somehow, selfishly, he wants to get close again without having any type of apology ready.

It’s a toxic cyclus, he used to have it with Jae, he should try to break it but he doesn’t know how.

He knows it’s his place to apologise, he knows he has to talk to Jimin about yesterday night, but that feeling of impending doom, it’s overwhelming.

Because he can’t apologise like he did last time, half-assed, with nothing to say. Yet at this very moment he feels completely locked in place, doesn’t know what he can and can’t say, if he opens his mouth he might slip up again, and say something incriminating.

Because.. love.

Jimin would probably laugh at him if he dared utter the word.

And with good reason.

This can’t be love.

“Something on my face, Jeon?”

Oh, shit.

His surroundings suddenly become clear, he’s been going through this day absentmindedly, but he’s standing right in front of Jimin, in the beach bar.

“No, you’re fine- your face I mean.”

He holds his hands up in defence, takes a step back.

Jimin gives him a deadpan stare. It’s so intimidating that Jeongguk can only swallow.

And he waits for it, that confrontation, that mean side, that side that is always eager to push his buttons, but it doesn’t come.

There is no fire in Jimin’s eyes it’s just bland, like he’s had enough.

He barely recognises Jimin like this; it kind of hurts.

And he knows it’s his fault, he should apologise, but fuck- apologising also means saying what he really feels and that’s so fucking scary

Jimin just walks past him.

Jeongguk stands there, tongue-tied, looking at his reflection in the window of the bar. Barely recognises himself either.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and when he checks it his heart drops. He doesn’t want to pick up but if he doesn’t he’ll just be in big trouble.

“Hi mom.”

“Why did you call your brother?”

Jeongguk blinks, feels his heart slam against his chest; short of breath in an instant.

“How do you know that?”

“Is he trying to fly you out?”

What the fuck.

“No, of course not- how do you know I-“

“Don’t lie to me. Is he preparing your visa?”

“No- no, why would he- I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then where are you now? You’re not at the campus, you’re not at home.”

Jeongguk feels increased panic, and he clutches his phone tightly in his hand.

“I’m on volleyball camp with my team.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Why is she so angry? He didn’t do anything wrong.

“Wait. How do you know I called Jung-hyun?”

“I’m asking the questions. Why didn’t you tell me you’re on volleyball camp?”

He bites on the inside of his cheek, feels panic mixing with anger. How the fuck does she know who he’s calling? Why does she need to know where he is? She’s never been like this.

“Cause you- you don’t care? Why would I tell you a trivial thing? I’ve never had to tell you that before.”

“Well from now on you’ll tell me wherever you go, regardless if it’s about that stupid sport you play. I will not tolerate you leaving without informing me.”

Jeongguk frowns, and he just wants to fucking scream. Because this is unfair, even when he tries to cut himself off from her step by step, she pulls things like this.

“I won’t let you take a flight and join your coward of a brother.”

“He’s not a coward.”

Oh fuck.

It’s the first time he’s ever raised his voice to his mother.

It’s silent on the other side for a second, and Jeongguk instantly wants to take back his words, but he doesn’t. It doesn’t feel right.

“What?”

Shit, he’s done it now.

“He stood up to you, he had the courage to leave. If anything..” He inhales, feels a little shaky. “I’m a fucking coward.”

“Bite your tongue, you’re coming home right this second.”

“I’m not coming home.”

“Jeon Jeongguk.”

He doesn’t know what else to say, and he doesn’t wait for his mother to say something else so he just hangs up the phone, and blocks his mother’s number.

There is a sense of pure panic along a feeling of victory. Even though he has no idea what kind of storm it will bring, he finally fucking did it.

He’s so proud of himself that he just wants to tell someone, wants to share it..

He looks across the beach bar, sees Jimin talking with their other team members, laughing, drinking.

That ache spreads through his chest, replacing the pride. And he realises how fucking bad he wants to share it with Jimin.

Jimin is the catalyst, the reason he’s even doing this, he set this all in motion, he’s the one who pushed him to making all these tough decisions, and he wants to.. just.. share these type of moments with him so bad..

And maybe.. maybe it is..

His throat starts feeling a little tight, and his eyes sting just a bit. The room is suddenly too small, so he just runs out.

The fresh salty sea air and the sand under his feet do help just a bit, but his feelings are all over the place, running through him so fast that he can’t really make out which emotion he’s actually supposed to feel.

He sits down near the shore, watches over the sea, but his vision is all blurry. He didn’t even drink, maybe it’s the lack of sleep..

His cheek feels wet then, but it isn’t raining.

It’s only when he touches his tears that he realises he’s crying.

He stares at his fingers, wet with tears, and then it just hits him all at once. His chest aches, his eyes sting, and his body shakes a little as he breaks down.

It’s an ugly type of crying, the type he doesn’t want anyone to see.

How fucking liberating to finally stand up to someone who’s been controlling him his whole life. And how incredibly terrifying to not know what will come of it.

His body shakes, and he just lets it happen. He just cries, remembers Hye-sung telling him that it’s okay to cry, that he should cry, and let himself feel the emotions.

He pulls his knees up and rests his forehead on them, and just sobs.

“Oh, Jeonggukie..”

Hoseok’s voice startles him for the second time today, and before he knows there’s a thump right next to him, and he’s being pulled into an embrace.

“I was looking around for you, I didn’t think you’d be here by yourself.”

Jeongguk tries to stop crying, but it doesn’t work, whenever he holds it in, his body starts to shake to channel it another way, so he just cries against Hoseok’s shoulder.

“What’s going on?”

He lifts his head, looks into Hoseok’s worry-filled eyes, and he just breaks, cries even harder than before.

“Hey, it’s okay, take a deep breath.”

Hoseok brushes some hairs out of his face, wipes his tears. He tries to follow the instruction, breathes in shakily.

“Tell me what’s up.”

Fuck.

He takes the piece of the house of cards that keeps everything together, and just yanks it away.

“I’m in love with Jimin.”

Hoseok’s eyes widen, and he stops wiping his tears for a second.

“Oh..”

Time stops for a second, and then it just comes crashing down on him.

He covers his eyes as he cries, but he can’t hide anymore. He’s all exposed, and admitting this is like the first domino tile that falls- it’s gonna cause a huge fucking mess that he can’t stop.

“It’s okay gukkie, let it out.”

God fuck, why is this so hard?

He’s been denying it for ages now, but he knows it. He knows it but saying it is so fucking difficult.

He takes another deep breath, feels that lump in his throat, his tongue so heavy as though his body is turning against him, but he forces it past his lips.

“I- I think I’m gay.”

There it is.

Jesus Christ, there it finally is.

There is a second where everything just stands still, and an enormous sense of relief washes over him, before he breaks down again.

Hoseok holds him close, says in a soft and soothing tone: “Yeah.. I know..”

For some reason that make him cry even harder.

Because, of course Hoseok knows. They’ve been friends for years, who has he been trying to fool all this time?

Hoseok caresses through his hair.

“It’s okay, gguk, I know.”

“Fuck.”

He just bawls, grabs Hoseok even tighter, feels some of the stress leave because he’s allowed to just cry.

“Deep breaths.”

Hoseok says then, putting his hand on his back for support, breathing in with him.

Even though he’s shaking, he breathes in deeply, looks at Hoseok through his blurry vision.

“You’re okay, it’s okay-“

“My- my mom will kill me if she-“

“Don’t worry about that for now. One step at the time, you finally got this far.”

Hoseok says, rubbing over his back.

He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, not that it matters, tears keep falling anyway.

“How- how did you know?”

“That you were gay?”

Hoseok asks.

Jeongguk nods.

“I don’t know, just had that feeling for a while now. I told you before right? About my gaydar.”

Oh, right, he vaguely remembers that conversation.

“And then when Jimin joined our team I guess for me it just all fell into place. But it’s no use telling someone who doesn’t want to accept it, that’s counterproductive.”

Jeongguk stares at the sand, somehow through all the aching he feels a sense of relief hearing that. It’s been such a difficult process, he’s been thinking of how many times he’s been accused of being gay, and just blatantly lied.

“When did you realise?”

Hoseok asks then.

He thinks about it, countless memories popping up of Jimin, of Jae, of Taehyung. Ideally, there should be a moment where he instantly knew. There should be this big revelation, but he can’t really pinpoint it.

“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “But I feel like it’s been a while.”

Hoseok hums softly, hands him a napkin from the bar; this guy is prepared for anything.

Jeongguk takes it, blows his nose.

And though he’s finally admit it, he still just feels at a loss.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“With Jimin?”

“Yeah.” He dries his eyes, even though he can feel tears well up again right after. “I fucked it up so bad yesterday.”

How does he even bring it up? Will Jimin even let him talk to him?

“I don’t know what happened but, I’m sure if you apologise Jimin can be.. civil.”

Jeongguk snorts, even through his tears, but then sighs.

Hoseok is right, he should apologise. But just thinking about it is making his heart pound.

“I’m scared.”

He admits. It’s one of his most prominent feelings; one that he’s tried to hide through many methods, but truly he’s always been so incredibly afraid.

“Then do it scared.”

Hoseok says.

It feels like a slap in the face, a wake up call. His body stops shaking, and he feels like something shifts inside of him.

He’s never once thought of that. Usually he’s trying to work around it, to settle his nerves before taking action, but maybe in this case he just doesn’t have any other choice but to do it scared.

“I mean, if you don’t try at all nothing will change, right? And waiting will make it an even bigger obstacle.”

He looks at Hoseok, completely speechless. Even if it’s something he should have easily come up with himself, for some reason it just really hits him right now.

So he nods, terrified to the bone.

“Okay.”

He wipes his tears, and Hoseok just gives him a smile, a caress through his hair.

“I think Jimin is inside, should I go get him for you?”

“No.” He shakes his head, panic in his chest. “I’ll do it myself, I just need a minute.”

“Of course.”

Hoseok nods, stands up then, offers him a hand so he stands up as well, takes a deep breath.

“You can do it. Even if you can’t tell him how you feel right away, try to just focus on apologising.”

“Yeah.”

He feels lightheaded.

“It’s okay, whatever happens, I’m here for you ggukie.”

Hoseok nudges his shoulder, and he nods again, feels warmth spread through his body.

As Hoseok slowly walks back to the beach bar, Jeongguk just watches from the shore. He takes deep calming breaths, needs it before he finally talks to Jimin about all of this.

It’s funny, he feels completely broken, his life is a mess, he’s not even sure if his mother is cutting him off or making him move out of his and Taehyung’s place, and yet there is also some form of happiness that he can’t quite describe.

For the first time, he has absolutely no idea what his life will look like the next day, and he finds solace in it.

With that feeling, he starts to walk towards the beach bar.

However, Jimin isn’t inside.

Not at the bar, not on the dance floor, not in the bathroom, not with their teammates. When he asks he gets all these different answers;

“What? I just saw him in the back.”

“No he said he went to the toilet.”

“I think he said something about wanting to go for a swim.”

Jeongguk walks outside after he’s made another round around the bar, it’s already dark, so he can’t see much. There are many people still on the beach, sitting around campfires, playing music.

He checks each and every spot, but Jimin isn’t among any of the groups.

So he jogs back to the camp, checks the tents, but he isn’t there either.

Did he really go for a swim? Isn’t it a bit too dangerous at this hour?

He decides to take the way back to the bar along the shore, a little worried.

Then finally, he sees a silhouette sitting on the sand. He recognises Jimin’s form even from far away. His back straight, his hair dancing in the wind. When he approaches slowly, he’s mesmerised once again by his side profile, just like the very first time he properly looked at him.

He only then notices there’s a cat that’s lying in Jimin’s lap. It’s a calico, pretty big one, eyes closed, just enjoying the way Jimin scratches it behind its ears.

Jeongguk blinks, something pulls on his heartstrings, the sight is just so.. cute.

Jimin notices his presence then, which isn’t weird; he’s kind of looming over him.

When he’s met by those sharp eyes he clears his throat.

“Hey.”

He says, out of breath.

Jimin doesn’t even reply, he just looks down at the cat, ignores his presence as he keeps petting it.

Jeongguk swallows, feels every single fibre in his body telling him to run away.

However, Hoseok’s words keep repeating in his head, so he embraces all his nerves and just sits down next to Jimin. The sand is wet, and kind of cold, the waves reach their toes, but Jimin doesn’t seem to mind.

He’s just petting the cat, softly, slowly. Jeongguk doesn’t think he’s seen Jimin be this gentle with anyone..

Oh, gentle..

Be gentle with Jimin.

He travels his eyes back up to Jimin’s face. He sees it then, there’s a gloom over his eyes, a tug down of his lips. The fact that he’s probably the one who made Jimin look this sad, makes him bite the inside of his cheek.

The sound of the waves coming and going in the background makes him aware he’s been sitting there without saying anything, so he t tries swallowing the lump in his throat, but it doesn’t go away.

And that’s fine, he’ll just have to say it like this.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s kind of strained, but clear enough for Jimin to hear it.

He doesn’t get a response at first, but Jimin does finally look at him. Even though his expression remains impassive, at least he’s got his attention.

“What are you sorry for, Jeon?”

God, all of it.

Everything he’s put him through.

He takes a deep breath, looks at Jimin, from one eye to the other, then averts his gaze.

Would be way easier to say all this if he didn’t just realise he’s in love with him.

“For a lot of things..” He says, that tight feeling still in his throat. “I honestly don’t even know where to start.”

Usually Jimin provokes him, pushes him to talk, but this time he just looks at him. His eyes are still so void of emotion.

Jeongguk swallows again, even though it doesn’t help.

“You were right about me, that time..”

“What time?”

He takes a deep breath.

“I’m a coward.”

Jimin blinks a few times, looks in both of his eyes, but doesn’t say anything.

He wonders if Jimin even remembers calling him that, if he even knows how much of an impact he made on his life.

Probably not.

“I’m sorry for never having the guts to say what I want.”

It’s difficult even now, he feels his entire body tensing up, has to look away just to gather more courage.

“I’m sorry for.. yesterday, in the tent.. I just shut down and couldn’t get a word out.”

He looks at Jimin, feels heat rush up his neck. The moonlight appears from behind a cloud, lights up Jimin’s pretty features. His sharp eyes, his soft lips.

“Remember when.. I came to you? After training?”

He asks.

Jimin tilts his head.

“You mean when you jerked me off outside?”

Jeongguk almost chokes on his breath, but just clears his throat.

“Yeah- then..” He nods. “I told you yesterday that I.. came to apologise then.”

“You did, but I still don’t know what for.”

Ah, fuck.

He feels nerves jump around all through his body, has to look at the sea to not face Jimin right this second.

Shit, he’s gonna have to say it, he needs to.

“I lied to you.”

His cheeks burn up immediately, even though he hasn’t even said it properly.

“You.. lied to me?”

Jimin asks, clearly confused.

Ah, why did no one ever tell him talking to your crush is fucking terrifying. He’s never experienced it quite like this before with any girl. Which just confirms that what he feels for Jimin is way more intense.

He digs into the sand with his toes, feels his cheeks glow.

“Yeah.. that time.. when I told you- when I told you I lied.”

He tries, knows fully well he’s making it more confusing.

“You’re losing me here.”

Jeongguk bites his lower lip, turns his head away.

“When I.. said you’re.. beautiful.”

“Speak up if you’re not gonna look at me.”

Fuck.

Come on, do it scared.

He turns his head back, looks at Jimin, immediately breathless upon seeing his face.

“When I told you, I thought you’re beautiful-“

“So fucking beautiful.”

Jimin reminds him.

He feels panic all over again just hearing it, that jumpy feeling in his chest, spreading all through his body.

“Yeah.. and then I told you that was a lie.”

Something cold flashes in Jimin’s eyes.

“I remember, yeah. What are you trying to say?”

“I lied then.” God, he’s terrible at this. “I mean- I lied that I lied, you know what I mean?”

“It would surprise you, but no, I have no fucking idea what you mean.”

Ah, fuck.

He feels his entire face turn red.

“I meant it. I think you’re so-“ he almost chokes. “I think you’re so fucking beautiful.”

It’s silent, and he just wants to bury himself in the sand. His heart is slamming against his chest, and when he sees Jimin’s eyes widen, and a blush spreading over his nose and cheeks it’s even worse.

“What? Wait- then why did you tell me it was a lie in the first place?”

Fuck- shit, how is he gonna explain this? Why did Hoseok say this was a good idea?

He just wants to run away, but god, he needs to see this all the way through for it to make any difference. No more half-assed apologies.

“Because I was scared.”

Jimin looks so confused, eyes all wide, blonde hair a bit messy because of the wind

“Scared of what?”

Jeongguk feels adrenaline rush through his body, he’s out of breath.

“I was scared that I thought that about you, about a guy.”

He looks at the sea then, afraid to look into Jimin’s eyes any longer.

There’s a silence, and it’s not comforting at all, he can feel the shift in energy, he can tell that Jimin is completely on right now.

He swallows, feels even the tips of his ears burn.

“But- fuck, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. And I’m just..” He looks at Jimin, even though he’s terrified. “I’m so sorry about that.”

Jimin looks at him, still wide-eyed, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. And then he just looks down at the cat in his lap, doesn’t say anything.

And that’s probably what he deserves after being such a dick for so long. Apologising doesn’t mean he’s forgiven, and he knows that. He’s just glad he could finally apologise, finally had the fucking guts to do it.

Jimin pets the cat in his lap, and Jeongguk just stares for a while, hypnotised by the gentle caress.

“You know.. Jeon.. I still have the cat.”

Jimin says then, softly.

It takes him a few seconds before he understands. The cat that he accidentally let into Jimin’s apartment a few months ago. For some reason he feels his heart skip a beat.

“Really?”

“Yeah, She’s a pain in my ass.“ Jimin says, even though a small smile pulls on his lips. “She’s at Yoongi’s place right now.”

Jeongguk blinks, doesn’t know what to say, but he feels relief spread through his body now that they’re finally having a normal conversation. Even if he isn’t forgiven, Jimin is talking to him, at least.

“Did you check for a chip?”

“Of course, I’m not gonna steal someone’s cat.” Jimin looks down at the calico in his lap. “She kept showing up to my place, slept my garden chair. I checked the missing cat pages and everything.”

He almost chuckles, can’t imagine Jimin being so concerned about a cat.

“But no one claimed her, so I took her in.”

“Mm..” Jeongguk nods slowly. “Didn’t you want to bring her to a shelter?”

Jimin looks at him now, then quickly looks away.

“I.. could have, but she got ill.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I had to take her to the vet, she wouldn’t eat.”

Jeongguk doesn’t know how they’ve drifted from his apology to this, but the lightness of the conversation calms him down a bit.

“And this might sound stupid but, because I had to watch her day and night I.. stopped drinking so much.”

Ah, right. That time when he let the cat in, Jimin was completely drunk. He knew it had to do with his mother’s passing, and with Sungho leaking the pictures with his dad.

“You drank that much?”

“I still drink too much.” Jimin says, he sounds embarrassed about it. “But.. yeah, I guess I also wanted to thank you for making that mistake and letting her in.”

Oh..

Jeongguk feels a warmth spread through his body, and he looks at the sea, at the waves kissing his toes. He just nods once, doesn’t think he really did something to take credit for.

“Why.. do you drink that much?”

He dares to ask then, while they’re being honest.

“Bad habit I guess.”

“When did you start?”

“Uh.. 15?”

Jeongguk whips his head back.

“That young?”

Jimin doesn’t even look at him, he just keeps his head down and nods.

“Remember Dae-hyun?”

The inside of his mouth instantly tastes sour as he thinks about that guy.

“Your ex, right?”

“Yeah.” Jimin nods. “I met him in bible school.”

Jeongguk’s eyebrows raise immediately.

“You were in bible school?”

Jimin looks at him, something flashes in his eyes that he cannot place.

“My mom had many methods of trying to cleanse me.”

Oh.

Fuck.

Jeongguk pulls his knees up, wraps his arms around them as he gives Jimin a slow nod.

“Dae-hyun, as much as I hate him now, he sneaked me out of there. He took me to parties, we did everything god forbid..”

“Like what?”

“Just alcohol, drugs, sex.”

“Drugs?”

Jimin nods, looks away like he doesn’t really want to talk about it.

“Yeah, I’ve tried some then.”

Jeongguk can’t comprehend it, he always had a certain image of guys using drugs, and Jimin never struck him as the type.

“I’m not very proud of it.. but I was naive, I wanted Dae-hyun to think I was cool, and I wanted to hurt my mom.”

Jimin says, corner of his mouth pulling down.

It’s quite.. sad.

He looks at Jimin’s side profile, wonders what he even looked like back then. Can’t imagine him being so eager to show that he’s cool to some guy. The Jimin he knows doesn’t seem to need any type of validation.

“But yeah, he’s essentially why I finally broke away from my mom, and I guess drinking is the bad habit I still have left of that time.”

Jeongguk feels his heart ache just a bit, and he just looks down at the sand between his feet.

“What about you?”

“Hm?”

“You seem to like your drink too.”

“Oh..” Jeongguk nods. “Yeah.. I guess my mom isn’t that great either.”

Jimin snorts, almost soundlessly, cause it’s not even funny at this point.

“So, you just found a liquor cabinet when you were young?”

“Something like that, yeah. I used to see my dad drink after work, before he passed away. So I wondered what it would be like.”

He’s never actually thought about it before.

When he looks at Jimin, he’s met by an expression he hasn’t seen many times before. Like Jimin understands almost without any explanation.

“But.. recently I..” He looks at the sea, for some reason feels his cheeks burn up. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, but.. “I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

“You- you have?”

He doesn’t know whether the surprise in Jimin’s tone is insulting or not, but he somehow feels so ashamed of admitting it.

“Yeah. For a few months.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

He looks at Jimin, who quickly holds up a hand in defence.

“No I.. just didn’t expect that, is all.”

To be honest, he gets that. If he would have told himself at the start of the year that he’d be seeing a therapist, he would have laughed at himself.

“Does it help?”

Jimin asks then.

He doesn’t know why, but he had expected Jimin to make fun of him for it, instead of getting such a genuine question. So, he’s a little caught off guard, has to compose himself.

“Yeah- yeah, it does. She’s really kind, a bit of a pain too.”

“A pain?”

“Just cause she.. you know, just calls me out for my bullshit.”

“Like what?”

Jeongguk opens his mouth but closes it immediately, blood rushing up his neck as he looks at Jimin, who’s waiting for an answer.

He can’t really answer though, because everything he talks about with her is about Jimin.

Suddenly, that glint that he knows way too well appears in Jimin’s eyes, and that signature smirk slowly appears on his full lips.

The atmosphere shifts immediately, he doesn’t know how the fuck Jimin does it, but it’s like he has an effect on him that travels through the electromagnetic field, without having to lift a single finger, without having to say a word.

Sweat breaks out on his skin and he just shrugs.

“Just some stuff.”

“Yeah? What stuff?”

Jimin tilts his head.

“Personal stuff. You’re not my therapist, so.”

He looks away, and Jimin chuckles.

It’s genuine, it sounds pretty.

“Your therapist made you admit that you think I’m so.. fucking.. beautiful?”

Jimin drags out the words and it’s excruciating. He feels his heartbeat pick up, several shivers running through his body. And as long as he looks at the sea he doesn’t have to acknowledge anything.

“What, can’t say it outright?”

“I already said it.”

“You did. Twice.” Jimin reminds him, seems to have fun doing that. “So, what’s the harm in saying it again?”

Ah, Park Jimin, really.

He turns to look at him, sees that smirk, that twinkle in his eyes. And even though he’s back to being his annoying self, Jeongguk is so glad to see this side of him again.

“You’re really beautiful.”

He says, tries to say it without shame or embarrassment, but he feels the rush of panic right after, has to avert his gaze.

Jimin doesn’t say anything for a while, and it just adds to the nerves he feels.

He feels Jimin’s fingers brush through the hairs at the nape of his neck then, and it sends a thrill down his spine immediately, heat flaring up his face.

“Thank you.”

Oh god- fuck.

How does he even- what does he even say-

That thank you sounded so genuine and pretty and- ah-

“You’re- you’re welcome.”

He says quickly, voice an octave higher.

Jimin’s hand disappears from his hair right after and he swears he hears a small chuckle, but when he looks over Jimin is hiding his mouth behind his hand, has his gaze on the cat still in his lap.

And then a semi-comfortable silence settles between them. He watches Jimin pet the cat, heart still pounding a little too fast. Can’t believe a small touch like that can set him on fire.

As Jimin focuses on the cat, Jeongguk secretly takes in his face once more. His cheeks seem a little rosy, his cute small nose even a bit red, and there’s a soft smile on his plush lips now, while he pets the cat’s head. His blonde hair is a bit messy, the wind just blowing it in all types of directions, and since it’s grown out a bit, it falls over Jimin’s eyes just a little.

So pretty..

When Jimin looks at him, he quickly looks at the cat. And he pretends he doesn’t notice Jimin’s gaze on him, just reaches his hand out and pets the calico as well.

“It’s so soft.”

He says, kind of surprised. Since he’s not a big fan of cats, he’s never really pet one like this.

Jimin hums softly, but doesn’t look down.

At some point Jeongguk can’t take it, feels his cheeks burn as he looks up. When their eyes meet, he just holds his breath. And then he feels Jimin’s hand brush against his own, his pinky sliding across the side of his hand while they simultaneously pet the cat.

Warmth spreads through his body immediately, and he quickly takes his hand back.

“Well then..”

He says, doesn’t really know why.

Jimin quirks a brow, smile appearing on his lips again.

“Yes?”

“It’s.. kind of late.”

He says, just to say something.

“Is it?”

“Yeah.” He nods, even though it’s like 11 pm. “I should probably head back.”

“I’ll come with you.”

Shit.

He just nods as though it’s fine, feels nerves eat him alive. He bites on his cheek as he stands up, watches Jimin say goodbye to the cat.

Fuck, how does it even work, a normal conversation? It seemed so easy earlier, but now he can’t come up with a single thing to say.

So they walk slowly back towards the beach bar. Jeongguk can count his heartbeat with every step, doesn’t even dare to look at Jimin.

“Jeon, can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

Fuck, anything other than silence.

“You don’t have to answer.”

He blinks, darts his eyes at Jimin, who’s just looking ahead, small smile on his lips. He doesn’t know what kind of question it’ll be so he just waits.

“Yesterday you said you didn’t want just sex from me, right?”

Oh.

Shit.

His eyes widen, and his throat runs dry.

“Mm..”

He just hums, doesn’t know what’s coming but it can’t be good, his whole body is shutting down.

“And you said that you weren’t ready.”

He swallows, can’t even say a thing. He’s been trying to not bring this up, but Jimin just has to poke in the most sensitive spots.

“And that you think I’m so fucking beautiful.”

He just bites his tongue, but his heart is slamming against his ribcage almost as if it wants to jump out of his chest.

“So, I’m gonna assume that you have a big, fat, crush on me, is that fair?”

Fuck.

He looks at Jimin, completely speechless. It’s embarrassing, because he can’t even deny it, but giving Jimin the satisfaction of confirming it, he’s not ready for that either. He’s still his nemesis, after all.

Jimin gives him a pretty, knowing smirk.

“As I said, you don’t have to answer now. Just know that I’m assuming that’s what it is.”

What a fucking-

“If you want to confirm or deny it, just come and find me.”

With that, Jimin just nonchalantly walks into the beach bar, leaves him standing outside with his cheeks glowing, that familiar knot in his stomach that he now finally recognises as, fuck-

They’re butterflies.

—————

Chapter 20 >