Selective Homophobia • Chapter 5 • 4.5K (Patreon)

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Jimin’s breath hitches right next to him. 

And fuck, why did he say that? 

His entire face burns up as he pulls back, the atmosphere shifts as if it knows that was a huge mistake. Soo-jin and Dongwon shouldn’t have been able to hear but they’re both as dead as the grave too.

For a second too long there’s an unbearable silence, it’s only when Dongwon chuckles an awkward laugh and grabs the next card that some of it settles.

But not for Jeongguk.

He can’t fucking breathe. Why did he say that? 

He glances at Jimin then, in the hopes at least he moved on, that it wasn’t significant to him in the slightest. 

He couldn’t be more wrong. Jimin’s cheeks appear significantly more flushed, his eyes just a little wider, and instead of prolongs eye contact, this time he’s the first to turn his head the other way.

Oh he really fucked up. 

He crossed a line. 

Well of course it did, he just said that right in front of Dongwon. 

Way too specific too, he should have just gone with something funny. 

He’s not sure he can even handle another question of this game, so he’s so incredibly grateful when Soo-jin brings out the “it’s getting kind of late”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dongwon agrees, wraps an arm around Jimin’s shoulder. “We should go off to bed.”

Jeongguk averts his gaze, pokes his tongue in his cheek. 

“Yeah..” Jimin agrees. “Maybe I should bring Soo-jin home first?”

Oh right. Soo-jin.

Jeongguk finds her staring back at Jimin a little perplexed.

“Oh I.. uh..” Soo-jin turns and looks at him then, cheeks a little rosy. “I could stay a little longer..”

..

Oh.

She wants to stay over.

Shit. 

He hasn’t gotten laid in months— Jimin was right about that— but he’s not sure he can share a bed with a girl on the first date— especially now that he just told his roommate he likes seeing him half naked?

Oh god, Jimin must think he’s such a creep. 

“Oh don’t worry, I can give you a ride right now, it’s no problem at all.” Jimin already stands up and looks around for his keys, completely misses the point Soo-jin is trying to make.

“Uh sweetie.. maybe Jeongguk could bring her?” 

Dongwon proposes then. 

Which definitely would make more sense. Soo-jin is his date after all. 

Jimin is practically deaf, hands Soo-jin her jacket.

“Jeongguk can do it next time.” He argues with a small smile. “I still have to hear her out.” 

Soo-jin takes her jacket with a soft chuckle then, seems to accept that. 

Dongwon seems a little disappointed though. Jeongguk can only imagine Jimin whispered something dirty to Dongwon during the game that he might have wanted to get to right away. 

A small smile curls on his lips. 

“Well, I’ll see you next time then.” 

Soo-jin’s voice sounds a little more raspy, and the way she turns his head by his chin and presses a kiss on his cheek is quite charming.

Even the look in her dark brown eyes is promising, seductive. 

He must look like a loser when he only rubs his cheek with a burning face, breathes out a “yeah.”

Apparently Soo-jin is into that though, her glossy lips spread into a Cheshire Cat-like smile, and she just nudges the underside of his chin once more before standing up.

He bites his lower lip, casts a glance at Jimin, catches a glimpse of an expression he can’t quite place, but it sends a shiver down his spine. 

“You two can clean up together right?” Jimin asks then. “I’ll be back in 20.”

“Yeah baby, drive safe.” Dongwon says, then just has to get up and just has to kiss Jimin on his cheek. 

He’s such an annoyingly good person. 

Jeongguk almost rolls his eyes, just starts cleaning already, bringing back everything to the kitchen so he doesn’t have to deal with Dongwon the rest of the cleanup. 

Is he the most bitter person alive? Yeah, probably. Why is he hating on a green flag? Jimin deserves him. 

He sighs as he washes the dishes. 

Maybe if he goes on a normal date with Soo-jin next time, there will be more time to get to know her, and less of a blonde, hot distraction.

More importantly.. how is he even going to look Jimin in the eyes? As long as Dongwon is around that’s no problem but he doesn’t think he can really be around Jimin one on one.. 

Fuck.. why did he have to pick that sentence out of everything? 

————————

Yeah, he was right. 

Something shifted. 

It’s not extremely obvious but he can tell the very next day, when he meets Dongwon and Jimin in the kitchen, the energy is just off.

Normally Jimin jokes around with him, teases him about something, but now it’s rather quiet. They don’t even make eye contact. Not even when all three of them are at the table, eating. 

Dongwon is blissfully unaware, he just makes small talk to whoever of them listens, and Jimin asks questions in between just to keep him going on about how salt used to be valuable. 

But as soon as Dongwon leaves for the toilet, the entire atmosphere changes. 

He can’t look up from his plate, stares at his sandwich as if it might add onto that riveting tale Dongwon just told.

It’s painfully silent. 

He bites the inside of his cheek, overthinks every sentence, every movement, to the point he’s just a statue, frozen in place.

When he dares to lift his gaze, Jimin is looking right at him, but he quickly averts his gaze as if he wasn’t staring.

Fuck.

He needs to talk.

“Uh.. yesterday..” 

he starts, keeps his voice low. 

Jimin only hums, nods shortly.

“I— uh.. I said that as a part of the game.” Is that a good excuse? He’s not sure, but he’s going with it. “I didn’t mean I actually like that— I just thought it would be a good sentence.”

“Yeah.” Jimin nods a few times, makes eye contact. “I thought so, I mean— I didn’t think you meant it.”

Though the words come out of Jimin’s mouth, the look on his face tells a different story. It’s so doubtful, and the smile that follows doesn’t really reach his eyes either.

He thought saying this would make it less awkward, but it’s not. 

“I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable though, I didn’t mean to—“

“No no, I wasn’t uncomfortable.” Jimin waves his hand in dismissal. “It was a game, I know you were just playing along.”

Something twinkles in Jimin’s eyes, he’s not sure how to read that expression. The whole conversation doesn’t feel.. calming. It’s like Jimin is gauging him and he has no idea what to do.

Cause it wasn’t just that sentence he said that was off— it was already before that, during the pocky game. The loaded eye contact and the weird tension in his gut, it’s still there. 

“You wouldn’t actually say something like that right in front of my boyfriend.” 

Jimin says then, tone a little lower. Something about his gaze is dangerous, sharp.

Jeongguk’s breath hitches, he clenches his own thigh under the table, all heat rushes up to his ears, and he cannot stare into those eyes even a second longer, just clears his throat and nods.

“Yeah— no. No. Of course not.” 

Fuck, he can’t believe he wants Dongwon to come back and save him with some other story about spices.

But as the seconds pass, nothing happens, so he just puts his entire sandwich in his mouth, stands up immediately and brings his plate to the counter. Chewing is overrated anyway. 

He says something like “see you”, it’s kind of muffled by the bread in his mouth. Then he grabs his bag and trips over the threshold when stepping outside, but it’s fine. Anything to get out of there.

————————

“You said you like looking at him in his underwear.” Taehyung repeats. “That’s what you said.”

“Not— like— I said it less like I stare at him like some creep, I just said— I don’t remember the exact wording, but I think I said I like it when he wears nothing but underwear around the house.”

“That’s literally the same thing.” Taehyung’s intense stare holds him hostage. “You said hey, I like it when you’re naked around me”

Fuck. 

He groans, puts his head in his hands.

“Right in front of his boyfriend too.” Yoongi adds. “Classy.”

“I didn’t mean to.” He lifts his head. “I was gonna say something funny but then Dongwon was all like I’m not jealous or anything— and I just..”

“You said you like staring at Jimin in his underwear.” Taehyung concludes. “Like a creep.”

God fuck. That really is what it comes down to huh. His cheeks glow, and there’s just no saving himself here. 

He thought an evening on the couch at Yoongi’s place would help him, but all that he’s got til now is a humiliation ritual. 

And fine, he needs that. Jimin is taken, he shouldn’t have said something like that, even under the guise of a game.

“I tried to tell him it was just for the game, and he said he understood but— I don’t know..” He rubs the back of his neck, the way Jimin looked at him still on his retina. “The way he said it felt.. weird.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well..” He looks down at his drink. “He had a really intense look in his eyes when he said ‘you wouldn’t actually say something like that right in front of my boyfriend.’” 

It’s probably nothing, just him being delusional.

Surprisingly though, neither Yoongi nor Taehyung reacts, they just stare at him for a little longer, then exchange a look.

Oh great, this must be some gay stuff he doesn’t understand. 

“What?” He asks. “Am I missing something?”

Yoongi crosses his legs, leans forward a little more. 

Back at therapy.

“What type of look?”

Ah shit, this again. The cryptic questions.

Jeongguk shrugs.

“I don’t know.”

“Did it feel like a warning?” Taehyung chimes in.

“Uh.. no.” He shakes his head. “It was just.. intense.”

“But not angry, or anywhere near that spectrum of emotions?”

“No, it didn’t feel angry it.. felt weird.”

There is probably a better way to describe it but he just can’t put his finger on it.

Yoongi hums, squints a little then.

“Did he say it like he meant it?”

Jeongguk blinks once.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you think Jimin believed your excuse? Or did it feel more like he knows you meant what you said during the game?”

Oh.

Heat rushes up to his cheeks again.

That’s probably what it was. The look in Jimin’s eyes felt knowing, borderline predatory, a complete contradiction to what he said.

“The.. second one.”

“Aha.” 

The silence returns, and he just lets his head sink back into his hands.

Jimin knows..

“I’m fucked, huh?”

“Yeah..” Taehyung pats him on his back a few times. “You’re fucked buddy.”

————————

Jeongguk stares at the text on his phone.

He’s stared at it between each period, locking it each time in the hopes it’s a joke, in the hopes it disappears.

But no. No it’s from Jimin and it says: bought snacks for anime night!

he sort of thought anime night would be gone by default after what happened. They haven’t even properly talked since that double date so why is it that Jimin is sending him pics of popcorn and chocolate with emojis?

nothing makes sense.

unless Jimin actually believed his excuse and is now trying to mend the friendship. 

but the past few days he’s avoided Jimin like the plague and there hasn’t been a day that Dongwon wasn’t at their place so..

this feels like a trap.

Friday night, all alone, with Jimin on the cramped couch.

Maybe it’s some sort of test. Maybe he should say no.

Not even maybe; he should say no. 

He’s practically having a heart attack just looking at the text, there is no way this is a good idea. 

His thumbs hover over the keyboard. One above the N, one above the O. 

It’s crazy how that spells: can’t wait!

———————

Yeah..

He fucked up.

As soon as he steps into the house, there is a sweet, vanilla scent in the air. He only has to pop his head around the corner of the kitchen to see Jimin take freshly baked cookies off an oven plate, bare hands and all, muttering soft ow’s as he puts them all in a jar.

But he can’t concentrate on that for long. 

The damn oversized pikachu shirt, that’s what catches his attention— or rather, the set of long, bare legs that stretch underneath it, and the glimpse of the curve of his ass when he bends over a little more.

Fuck.

He averts his gaze quickly, swallows hard.

“I’m here.” He announces. “You made cookies?”

“Oh.” Jimin turns around, blonde hair all soft and fluffy from a shower, a bit of flour on his cheek. “Yeah, for anime night.”

Jeongguk bites his tongue— never knew what cuteness aggression was about but he thinks he gets it now. 

“Nice..” He nods. “Smells delicious.”

“Thanks.”

This is the most they’ve talked in days. 

It feels sort of like a front— an easy way to make conversation without having to actually talk. 

But now.. 

Now the silence returns. 

Jimin just chuckles softly, edging on nervous as he gets all the snacks.

And he takes the drinks Jimin prepared from the counter, just to have a task to do.

As expected, the living room is completely prepped again. The big lights off, only the three mood lights on, in different colours this time, orange, purple, pink. The big tv is already showing the anime, paused and ready to go. And the couch.. is cosy. 

He’s not sure if Jimin prepared the couch like this, but the pillows are positioned in a way that makes the little corner where they usually sit even smaller. 

“You should change first.” Jimin says then, looks him up and down. “Get into your pyjamas.”

“Yeah.” He nods, can’t help the way his eyes pull toward Jimin’s pikachu shirt and—underwear.. thighs—

Shit.

He tears his eyes off at lightning speed. 

“Be right back.”

He speeds out of there towards his room, closes the door quickly and backs up against it, takes a deep breath.

Why is Jimin wearing that?

He practically told him he likes it when he’s not wearing much around the house, so why is he playing into it?

No— Jimin always wears this, every Friday. This is normal, this is his pyjama. It would be weirder if Jimin would suddenly put on sweats just because of him, wouldn’t it?

He brings a hand to his cheeks, touches them with the back of his fingers. They’re glowing.

this is so bad.

he can’t do this. 

this feels like a date. 

He groans, pinches the bridge of his nose.

If he just stays at a normal distance, it will be like any Friday night. Just them as roommates, nothing weird, no underlying tension. Maybe as soon as the anime begins their conversation will just flow naturally, and some of that weird energy will finally dissipate.

“Okay..” he whispers to himself, then quickly changes into his pyjamas, just some sweats and a shirt. “I can do this.”

When he walks back to the living room, Jimin is sitting at his respective place in the corner of the couch, pats the spot next to him a few times when he sees him. 

Fuck.

He can’t randomly sit on the other side of the couch. That would be weird.

So he sits down next to Jimin— and he was right, they are closer than normal, the pillows next to him are sort of strategically placed to make the space smaller.

They’re pressed side to side, absolutely no space between them.

He’s about to bring it up when Jimin wraps the green blanket around the both of them, tucks them in. 

“You ready?” Jimin asks, grabs the remote. 

“..Yeah.” 

He thinks.

Maybe.

Probably not.

Jimin presses play.

He’s not even sure if this is the same anime, or a completely different one. Not that it matters, he’s even more tense than all previous times combined; his entire body is on high alert, every muscle clenched, controlled breaths. 

It’s just..

Underneath the blanket, Jimin’s thigh presses against his own. It’s warm, even through the fabric of his sweats, it just radiates against him. 

If he had any appetite he would eat just to distract himself but he can barely move. It’s probably a crime not to eat freshly baked cookies, but he doesn’t think he’s gonna be able to swallow. 

Normally at this point Jimin opens his mouth at least; says something to fill up the silence, something easy they can cling onto. But it’s just the tv, the lights, and their tense silence. 

It’s warm. The temperature in the room, maybe since it’s a small apartment and Jimin just used the oven. Maybe since they’re pressed together like this. 

It’s ridiculous but he feels every twitch of Jimin’s leg, hears every breath he takes, every little sound he makes. For some reason he can’t turn it off, he’s hyperaware, trying not to do anything out of line. 

Even though technically nothing about this is out of line; he’s sure Dongwon knows about their anime nights, and absolutely nothing about their position is intimate.. well, except for the proximity, maybe. But again, it’s not like Jimin is leaning against him, it’s not like he’s in his lap, there’s no head on his shoulder, so really, he should relax.

Despite taking a deep breath, the tension does not settle. Ever since that double date something has shifted, nothing is the same and it sucks.

So, when the anime music slowly fades, and voices cut out, the entire room fills with this static. On the screen, the characters get closer, inching in little by little. 

Another fucking kiss scene?

Now?

Jeongguk can only watch with bated breath, much like last time, how the characters tilt their heads, and kiss.

Jimin’s thigh flexes right against his own, the softest hitch of breath. 

It’s not as graphic as last time, no saliva, no moaning, but there’s just no music, there’s no sound at all— which cinematically is probably a great choice, but for him it’s the fucking worst.

He’s not been this nervous since he had a crush in high school. His heartbeat couldn’t be going faster, Jimin can probably hear it, that’s how loud it is thumping against his ears.

Last time Jimin joked around with this exact type of scene, but there’s nothing now. Nothing except it’s so hot under their green blanket, the surface where their thighs touch might as well be on fire.

By the time the scene passes, his entire throat is dry. He leans to grab his glass, right at the same time as Jimin. 

They make quick eye contact, just for a fraction of a second, then Jeongguk turns his head the other way, downs his iced tea almost all the way, but the image is still on his retina.

Jimin’s cheeks and nose rosy, his lips parted. Just a fraction of a second but he looked like a siren. 

“When is— when’s the last time you kissed?”

..

His brain flatlines. 

He whips his head towards Jimin, who seems just as shocked, as if he wasn’t the one who just asked that question.

Jeongguk can only stare back at him, completely out of it. 

“What?” He breathes out, catches Jimin’s full, plush lips in his peripheral. “What— why are you asking?”

“Just— sorry, I thought.. I just wanted to ask something but— that wasn’t exactly..” Jimin clears his throat, turns back to the tv with a flushed face. “Sorry, forget that.”

Forget that?

He hasn’t even remembered that. His brain still hasn’t even processed it. 

When is the last time he kissed?

Fuck, he’s got no idea. Too long ago. The closest he came was.. during the pocky game, with Jimin.

He swallows, licks his lips.

Why would Jimin even ask that? 

He should probably take the advice, forget it, but something twists and turns inside of him.

The topic of kissing.. 

“It’s been a few months..” 

He says softly, turns to look at the tv as well.

A beat passes.

And another.

Jimin adjusts his position, or maybe he just squirms next to him— Jeongguk can’t tell. 

“How.. how was it?”

Jimin’s tone is so soft, almost like they’re sharing a secret.

Maybe they are. 

It feels like it.

He clutches the corner of the green blanket, fidgets with it.

“Kind of.. bland.” He admits, cheeks burning. “Didn’t really get to the good part.”

“Mm..” Jimin hums, vibration low. “.. no tongue?”

He bites down on the inside of his cheek, effectively stops his breath from hitching.

“Yeah. Just— not really passionate.” 

See, this could be a normal conversation between roommates, right? Put him on the couch with Taehyung and this is something they probably talked about many times before.

But somehow, with Jimin, he just breaks out in sweat.

“Pity..” 

Jimin mutters.

Jeongguk hums, stares at the stupid blanket for a little longer. 

He’s sure Jimin is passionate— he knows Jimin is. Despite trying not to look he’s caught Jimin and Dongwon making out more than a few times. He kisses like he knows what he’s doing, his plush lips must feel like heaven..

Fuck..

He can’t fantasise. 

Jimin is taken. 

He just clears his throat, blinks himself out of it and refocuses on the anime.

But fuck, it’s just no use. 

What does Jimin even mean with pity. It’s a pity he hasn’t had a good kiss? Why would Jimin care? It’s not his responsibility. 

“Soo-jin.. is probably up for it.”

Jimin says then.

It sort of fucks with his brain, thinking about Soo-Jin now. It’s out of place, tastes bitter in his mouth. 

He can’t even reply to it. Hasn’t thought about Soo-Jin at all since the double date. Every second of the day it’s just been Jimin on repeat.  

He stares at the snacks on the table, goes for some popcorn, leaves the handmade cookies untouched. 

after another few seconds he feels the stare burning against his side profile, so he glances over at Jimin, who quickly averts his gaze, goes for the cookies.

Back at stage one, silence. 

He eats as quietly as possible, actually manages to follow just a tiny bit of the anime— not that he gets it after missing the major plot, but it’s progress.

How much longer is this episode? 

“They’re uh.. they’re really good.” 

Jimin says after one bite. 

Jeongguk almost doesn’t even dare to look at him but he does it anyway. 

Which is a mistake.

The pink and orange hues of light make Jimin’s eyes twinkle when he holds out the cookie with one hand, the other hovering underneath it to capture any falling crumbs.

“want to taste?”

Oh.

Yeah, he wants to taste..

He holds Jimin’s gaze a little longer, just to make sure this is actually what he’s trying to do. If he’s actually trying to feed him.

Jimin doesn’t waver, so Jeongguk slowly leans in, averts his gaze when he takes a bite.

It’s delicious, freshly baked, the dough is still warm as it crumbles, and the chocolate chips melt the second they touch his tongue. 

“Mm..” He nods a few times, looks up at Jimin, mouth still full, cheeks glowing as he leans back. “Mm.”

“You’ve got.. uh..” 

Jimin reaches out, gentle fingers under his chin, soft thumb brushes over his lower lip.

Jeongguk’s breath hitches, heat flares up his face.

Jimin’s eyes go a little wide, and he quickly pulls his hand back, as if he did that completely on a whim.

Jeongguk swallows hard, whips his head towards the tv, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

But he can’t help but sneak another glance at Jimin. 

Wishes he hadn’t. 

Wishes he didn’t catch Jimin with his head turned the other way, licking the excess chocolate off his thumb. 

Fuck.

This is the worst anime night ever. 

Sure, the ones where he was convinced he was a homophobe were not the best either, but at least then he didn’t have to deal with this need.

Lusting after a taken man is not something he’s proud of, but Jimin isn’t making it easier for him either. Why are they sitting so close, why did Jimin bring up the topic of kissing, why did he feed him?

The sweet taste lingers on his tongue, and he stares at the jar of cookies— wants to devour all of them at once. 

The all too familiar silence returns then. 

It stays for a long while this time around, until the end of the episode. He only notices when the outro starts playing, completely zoned out for the rest of it. 

“I— uh.. I might go to bed.” He announces then, even though they usually watch more than one episode. “Kind of tired.”

If the lie is obvious at all, Jimin doesn’t seem too upset. 

“Yeah, yeah, I was thinking of going in early too.”

Good. 

He barely even looks at Jimin as he gets up, can’t trust himself at all. His hands are itching to touch, his entire body is buzzing with it. 

He just bites on the inside of his cheek, grabs the snacks and drinks from the table and brings them back to the kitchen. Only there does he notice just how out of breath he is, how his entire body basically just crashes from the amount of strain he put on it.

No more anime nights. He can never put himself in this situation again. 

His lower lip burns where Jimin’s thumb brushed over it, he darts his tongue out— not so much to soothe it as he hopes to taste remnants of Jimin, anything he can have of him. 

He’s so out of it he only hears Jimin’s footsteps approach when they’re already right next to him. 

Jimin casually pours himself some water.

Still just in that pikachu shirt. 

Jeongguk can’t take his eyes off those bare legs, seen so many thigh-fucking videos right in the kitchen. And Jimin’s legs are not only smooth they’re toned too— they could squeeze around his cock just right.

God, he’s such a creep. Taehyung was right, he stares like a creep.

When he finally manages to tear his eyes off, Jimin is looking right at him.

There’s not even one excuse he can use. 

But Jimin doesn’t even call him out on it, he just bids a quick “goodnight” and walks off. 

Jeongguk stands there for a whole other minute, out of breath.

And then he can't help himself, grabs the jar of freshly made cookies and eats every single one of them.

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