A Gamer's Guide 405 (Patreon)

As I silently begin to tremble at the purely hypothetical notion that I’m the only sane person in this whole damn city, the conversation around me shifts. Luckily for me, they don’t seem to notice, or care, I suppose, that I’m sitting with my head in my hands, hoping that migraines are still off the table.

“That said,” Leion says, speaking across me to Gecko, “never in my time as a devout did I ever expect such a miracle to be possible. Truly, I have no doubt that this could be what turns the war around. I simply can’t imagine that there is a deicidist alive who could not take this as a sign that their side is doomed.”

“You’d think so,” Gecko says mildly, “but, historically speaking, I really don’t think this will cause much waves at all. I mean, in their minds, this is probably nothing more than another reason why Kitty should be, you know…” She makes an odd, huffing noise. “Heck, even if they accept that he did do this through miraculous means and not some kind of brute force, there are certain to be deicidists who will use this to argue that Kitty can’t be trusted to be on this planet at all. One god too many or whatever.”

“Your ability to predict the thought patterns of such scum is both impressive and worrying. Though you may be in His image, I ask that you restrain yourself from wasting sympathy on ungoblic forces.”

At this, Prop, who’s sitting on the other side of Gecko, helpfully pipes up. “If you’ll pardon my intrusion, I’d like to speak in Gecko’s defence. Having spent the past months working for Gun, I can confirm that there is nothing the god of hope could do that would change the minds of the most zealous deicidists. Whatever the miracle, they will surely find a way to call it a curse.” There’s a pause, but nobody else speaks to fill it, so after a moment’s hesitation, Prop adds, very placatingly, “Of course, as one of the hopeful, I am of the clear opinion that this was a most impressive miracle. However…”

“Hey, Prop?” Gecko says. I can’t see it, but I’m pretty sure he nods at her to continue. “Do you think we should tell the deicidist judges what’s happened here?”

I peek an eye open. Yeah, he’s confused. Brows furrowed and everything. 

“...Why would we do that?”

“Well, I mean,” Gecko says, weighing nothing in her hands. “From their perspective, this was sort of a Hiroshima, right?” And, luckily for her, there’s no way for Leion to know what that means, so he can’t get upset at her for likening my wonderful miracle to an international tragedy. I could, though, so she shoots a glance at me, to check if I’m upset with the comparison. I pretend not to have heard anything, because I don’t think she wants to see me smiling at her right now. 

Prop draws away from her slightly. “I suppose it would be, if they knew it had happened.”

“Exactly! They don’t know this has happened! But if we told them, then…”

“They’d know what the god of hope is capable of,” Prop says calmly, finishing her sentence.

She snaps her fingers. “Right! And, I mean, you’re Gun’s proxy, right? You could write up a summarization of events and send it to them all, lickedy-split! In an instant the whole deicidist alliance will know what happens if you mess with Kitty, and then they can’t possibly have any will left to fight. They can surrender, and we can accept their surrender, and then this whole nasty business will be done and over with.”

Prop makes a face at her, which is weird, because people usually only make that face when I try and fail to explain why I did what I did. “Do you know why they dropped two nuclear bombs?”

“Um,” Gecko says, deflating in a single instant. “I, uh… I’ve never been that into world war two, I’m more of a thirty-year-war kind of guy, so…”

“It’s because they refused to surrender. One bomb wasn’t enough. The deicidists are the same. Losing a city or two won’t convince them of anything—that’s nothing but an acceptable sacrifice. Assuming, of course, they don’t choose to view this city as a martyr.”

“Well, sure, but…”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with Prop,” Leion says, nodding gravely. “Simel the tyrant is willing to fight to the last goblin. The war won’t end here, but…” His heavy eyes turn towards me. I can’t help but meet them. They shine horribly. Black, sparkling pearls. Grotesque hope pooling like dead blood as he says, breathlessly, “Now, we can end the war.”

“We can?” Gecko asks.

He smiles at her, which is nice, because it means he isn’t looking at me anymore, and I don’t have to see those damn eyes of his. “Yes. Can’t you see, Jeeko? This miracle… It is our hope. In a single instant, our God can turn our enemies to holy beasts. Our enemy may be many, but they are still numbered. Say this miracle was used on that tyrant’s army, or general Ferhart’s army, or general Luv’s army.”

Prop doesn’t buy it. “Of course, a good point, but with the sheer number of armies…”

“Your thinking is too modern,” Gecko says, taking a swig of her drink. “It’s unlikely that there’s more than a dozen total armies active in the country at this moment, and that’s including both sides.”

“Really?”

Leion nods. “That’s what our reconnaissance has told us too.”

“Interesting. Well, even so, getting from one army to another…”

“Dude, you’re forgetting that the guy has a dragon as a pet. He can literally just fly from one to the next! I bet if he really put his mind to it, he could have all the enemy armies done away with in less than a month.” She smiles at him. Heck, that’s too weak of a word, she beams at him with the full force of a million suns, and he, for the first time this entire day, maybe for the first time in months, smiles too. 

“You really think…?”

What the hell. What the hell. What the hell. 

<It seems you are going through something,

so feel free to ignore this if necessary. 

But would you please tell your human friends

that I am not your pet?>

Oh. Um… Hey, Garath. I kind of forgot about you. Sorry.

<No need for apologies.

You seemed to need some space to think.>

Yeah. That’s very kind of you. I wish I could repay it by clearing up the misunderstanding with my buddies about how this is more of a partnership than anything pet-like, but I don’t think I can talk right now. Even thinking words for you to hear is exhausting. What’s even happening anymore? 

<I’m sorry to say that I do not know.>

…Garath, I know this is a stupid question, especially to ask you, but… You can’t think this was a good thing I did, right? Or—or that it’s sane for people to be eating rats that came from people? I’m not crazy, am I?

<...I’m sorry, Kitty. 

I am not in the habit of lying to you.>

Right. Yeah. Of course. That… that makes sense. Thanks. 

Okay, um… Would you mind leaving me alone for a bit? Thanks for checking in, but, I just… I’m feeling a bit tired right now, is all.

<Of course. Anytime.

Just say the word when you want to leave.>

Thank you. I will.

And then, silence. Good silence. 

“Of course, even that might not be enough,” someone—Prop, I think—says, all mildly and smooth and gentle. “New armies can be mounted, after all. In which case—”

“The capitals, right?” Gecko says. 

“Purge the most important cities…” Leion mutters. “Yes, that would work. Perhaps, if He began with the more strategically vital cities, they would be more open to a conditional surrender?”

“Do we want to keep the deicidist leaders around?” Gecko asks. “I’m just thinking, if they’re willing to sacrifice cities and soldiers and civilians, shouldn’t it be fair for them to get sacrificed, too? Maybe replace them with some more, you know, agreeable people?”

“We can always replace them with our own men,” Prop agrees. “If the whole city gets purged, then there’s no sense in anyone disagreeing with the decision, either.”

After all, anyone who could possibly disagree would already be dead, reduced to a pile of writhing, squirming rats. 

Gecko smiles at him. “That sounds—”

I abruptly rise to my feet, hands on the table, staring down at my empty plate and empty cups and unused cutlery. Although I’m not breathing and my heart isn’t beating I can feel something crawling inside my stomach my bowels moving and wriggling and my whole body trembles and sways. The edge of my vision swims with Gecko’s worried face, and on the other end, Leion, all neutral, but still gently reverent. It takes every ounce of muscle I might not have anymore to turn to him, and say, voice only wavering a little, “I would like to take that tour now, if it isn’t too inconvenient.”

He blinks at me. “Oh, of course not! I can’t promise with certainty that all hopeful have been served yet—there are quite a few of them, after all—but I am absolutely sure that they will be most excited to see You in person.”

“Great, that’s great, um…” I turn to Gecko. “Gecko, would you mind showing me the way?” I can’t see it, but I can distinctly tell how Leion’s heart fractures. “You helped a lot with organizing this banquet, and you’ve been staying in the city for a while, so you know the way, right? Yeah?”

“Huh? Oh, um…” Her eyes fall on her half-finished plate, and at Prop and Maggie, and then, leaning over the table, she catches a look at Leion, where he stands frozen in unspeakable agony. “Sure, absolutely, but… Don’t you think Leion would be better for it? I mean, he’s the leader of all the soldiers, and…”

“Great! Let’s go!” I yip, and then I try to pull her out of her seat, but I can’t, I just can’t, I’m too weak, so all that happens is that I grab a tawny hold of her arm. She frowns at me. Maybe if I smile at her, she’ll be more at ease, and she’ll come along without a fight. “Please?” I swallow dryly. “Please.”

After a moment’s hesitation, she finally stands up, saying, “Well, alright, I guess…” 

“Yay, yippie,” I rasp out, and still holding her by the arm, I try to get out of my throne, but my legs are too heavy and my whole body is too, all tungsten and lead. Pathetic.

Reflexively, without even really thinking about it, she snakes an arm across my back, helping me out of the chair and away from the table. But before we can leave fully, she pats Prop on the back, waves to Maggie, and tells Leion, very gravely, “I’ll take care of him. If anything happens, I’ll send Prop a message, and if you need me, or us, use Prop as a proxy and I’ll know.”

“Thank you,” he says, but I can tell he’s still in a bit of a daze. “Protect Him with your life, if need be.”

Drama queen.

“Alright,” Gecko replies, so I guess she’s fine with that. Dying for someone who can’t die. That’s stupid. Everything is stupid. I hate this. Haha! She turns to me, and makes a little grimace. “Gosh, yeah, you really look like shit,” she mutters under her breath. 

“Thanks.”

She guides me away from the table, down a small flight of stairs, and once we’re at the same level as the rest of the party—who seem to have broken out into song over something—she gives me a once-over. “Do you think you can walk on your own?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” I say, but she still waits a few moments before releasing me. I stagger only a little before righting out. Righting out fully. My back is straight. Normal. Not hunched. Not hunched, because if I was hunching, my balance would be too off-kilter for me to be able to stand. 

…What the hell is happening to me?