A Gamer's Guide 428 (Patreon)

“A bean?” 

Her thumb runs over the surface of the me she’s holding. “Yep. A white bean. It looks like a kidney bean, about the size of my fingertip… But the side of it is a little sharper, so it looks kind of like a heart.”

“I’ve got a bean in my head?”

“I’m afraid so, ma’am,” she says, and now she’s doing a character again, a serious doctor one, who has just discovered a tumor and has to break the news. “It’s terminal.”

“Terminal bean-brain,” I echo. “Do you, um…” I can’t find a way to fit the question into the new scenario, so I just ask her, as plainly as I can, “Are you partial to beans?”

She rolls the bean over in her hand. “They’re fine. Mind if I,” she lowers her voice into a creepy growl, all gross and perverted, “taste the wares before I decide to buy? Y’see, I’m not the kinda feller who only looks ‘n buys… I gotta know what I’m gettin’ myself into, know what I mean?”

“You ain’t a cop, are ya?” I ask back. “One lick. That’s all you git. Any more than that an’ you’ll be tarnishin’ the wares.”

“Ohohohoh, don’t mind if I do!” She gives the bean a big ‘ol lick, smacking her lips and humming “Mmmm!” as she does. Show-off. “Why, that’s some mighty fine bean you got! I’d say it’s got, oh… zero-point-zero-one squigglies in it.” I can hear the smugness in her voice. “More than enough to get me to proper apostlehood.”

“Really, now? Well, in that case, I think you know exactly what to do, my dear intern.”

Leaning to the side, she gives me a good look at her face, mixed-up and excited and hesitant all at once. “You’re sure? Zero-point-zero-one squiggly… That’s almost a third of all your divinity. In one bean. A bean that was suspiciously placed where your brain should be. What if I eat this and I end up eating you?”

“Technically speaking, you will be eating me,” I say. “But that’d be the case with whatever you chose. This is the god-equivalent of eating both of my arms or something.”

“See? It’s a big deal!”

“But that’s also why it’s the perfect thing to give.” Though I can’t smile, I’d like to think she can tell I’m happy, if only through our weird mind-link. “Honestly, I’ve been a little worried that you’d have to do this by drinking my bloodmilk, ‘cause then it wouldn’t really match. The sacrifices, I mean. You agreeing to become my apostle is a big thing you’re doing, so if I can make up for it by giving you the most important thing my body has to offer… It feels nice.”

She looks at me. She looks at the bean. “Man, you still haven’t figured out about the whole unconditional love thing?”

“I’m working on it! I’ve had a rough couple years, okay?”

“More like a rough everything,” she says, but she’s smiling again, so it’s fine. “But, hey, if this is what you want, and it’s what I want, then…” A little snip of the scissors, and the bean’s disconnected from my head. She holds it up triumphantly, angling it so that I can see it through the mirror. “Behold: the bean!”

“The bean!”

“The special bean!” She raises it high, opens her mouth wide, and—

“Better not chew it,” I say, half-singing, not really thinking of it. “Swallow it whole or it won’t grow.”

“Yes, master,” she says, voice raspy like Igor, and then she drops the bean into her mouth, and swallows it, without chewing. Gulp. “Ack!” She staggers to her feet, clutching at her chest. “I—I can feel it! The power!” With jerking, spastic movements, she goes through a jutting dance routine, boogying across the floor, shaking her shoulders, throwing her hair all around. “The power of hope courses through me! Raaarghhh!!”

I glance at her status screen. Flippa flippa flippa flippa… Going by the speed at which the divinity is increasing, she should finish absorbing that bean in about—

“A week?!” Gecko finishes for me, pausing her routine mid-boogie, one hand on her hip and the other in the air. “Wait-wait-wait! That can’t be right, can it?” She scrambles across the floor, going down on her knees next to me. “Come on, man! Tell me you misread, huh? A whole week just to digest one bean? Isn’t that too cruel? Come on!”

“No, it’s totally reasonable. You still have a lot of non-hope divinity in your body that’ll need to be replaced, not to mention that whatever traits and powers you’ll have as my apostle need to be introduced in a slow and steady fashion. If you’d absorbed that bean instantly, you would’ve probably exploded from the overflow of divinity.”

“R—really? Well, okay, then… Dang. A whole week. This better be worth it. I better get dope-ass claws and a fire breath and the ability to hope people to death. That’d be sweet. Hell yeah.”

“Nothing to do but hope for it,” I say cheekily. 

She grins back at me. “Alright, alright, you’ve got a good point.” Her eyes wander up to the top of my head, still missing a chunk of skull, not to mention that my face is still not on, and my abdomen is open, and all my maggots have to be put back in… The excitement melts off her face and she heaves a guttural sigh. “Phewwwww. Just the thought of putting you back together again is making me exhausted. Can’t you just hope yourself into one piece?”

“No can do,” I say. “You played with your toys, so now you’ve gotta put them back. Non-negotiable.” I can’t exactly sew the back of my own head, after all.

“Fine, fine. Let’s put humpty-dumpty back together again. I’ve had my fun.”

There’s not all that much I can do to help her gather my pieces again, so all I can really do is try to keep her entertained as she puts my skull back in place, pulls my face over my skull again, sews it back in place, and then undoes the whole disembowelling thing, stuffing the cotton back into my chest and pouring the maggots back into my stomach cavity. Unlike with my head, though, I can at least help sew myself back together. Before we finish sewing up my abdomen, though, Gecko demands a pause to pet Fido, which is perfectly acceptable. He is a very sweet—if somewhat sleepy—snake.

And then we tie the final knots, sew up my arm, and I’m all together again. The floor is covered in milk, and so is Gecko, but it’s not too bad. I don’t mind it. 

Experimentally, she tries using the clean spell on herself and the floor, but it doesn’t work. Bummer. I really do hope she’ll be able to use the standard magic with my hope divinity. That’d be convenient. 

Either way, with that all finished, there’s not much else for us to do in here. Or, I guess, for her to do. I can’t exactly leave. Not yet, at least. But I’m sure that’ll change soon. Heck, by the time she’s fully absorbed that bean, I’m sure I’ll be out and about, projecting what I actually look like (not the face I see in the mirror, that’s something else), free to leave this damn city and all the weirdos in it.

On the other side of the room, Gecko puts the chairs back in place, the washbasin and mirror back where they were taken from. “Phew,” she says, wiping her forehead. “This whole becoming-an-apostle business is way more labour intensive than I thought.”

“I hope you remember this position is unpaid,” I say, stretching out my legs atop the bed. “Oh, and no union benefits, on account of there being no union.”

She turns to me with the saddest, wettest eyes I’ve ever seen. “I don’t even have dental?”

“If you want to lose your teeth, do so on your own time.”

“Aw, dangit…” She wanders across the floor, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. She was able to clean herself off for the most part with a towel and some water from her inventory, but considering that she’s only wearing her robe with nothing underneath, I’m assuming she’ll take a bath right after she’s finished here. Makes sense to me. “Okay, so, um… How long do you think it’ll take you to figure out the whole projecting thing?”

“Not more than a week,” I say. “Probably like a day or two? I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ve got a pretty good idea of how these things work, so it shouldn’t be any trouble.”

“Okay. Nice. And as for the whole thing with Lett…?”

“I was thinking I could write him a letter, just to make sure he’s on the same page.”

“Good, good. I’m not sure exactly what’s expected of me, but I’ll try to make sure things don’t go totally crazy out there while you’re in here figuring things out. I’ll be back in an hour or two to check up on you, alright?”

“Sounds good to me. And don’t worry if you get caught up in work and forget about me, I’m used to being alone.”

She gives me a blank stare. “That’s awful, actually. You think I’d do that? Jesus Christ, man. The fact that you’re not even saying it to try to guilt me makes it even worse. Holy shit.”

“Sorry, it just…” I shake my head. “Still not used to it. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I just… Man. When you get back to Earth, you really need to get some fucking therapy, dude.”

“I guess,” I say, but honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever return there. Not if Moleman’s there, at least. Bothering him… Dredging up the ghosts of the pasts… I’d hate to do that. “Sorry, you’re right.” I bring myself to smile. “Thanks, Gecko. I’ll be looking forward to your next visit.”

She matches my smile with a grin. “You’d better!”

Hopping off the bed, she makes her way to the door, and with a smile and a wave, she slips back outside, leaving me alone once again.

Just me. 

…I’m sure I’ll be fine.

It’s not like I haven’t been alone before, after all.

I’ll be fine.