A Gamer's Guide 472 (Patreon)

Days drag by endless incomprehensible shapes pushing through infinite burning sands feathery soot it always at side always nearby always close enough to 

It: Ap-ap-ap, come on, now, you know better than that, Simel. The curtain? Really? 

It. Hair of black white long all the way down to balls of bony heels dead eyes white spots like corpse like them like corpses dead fish but smell like flowers and spring horrible repulsive knotted hands dirt weeds in hands weeds pulled up bodies pulled up bodies in hands consumed pray for them pray for those souls pray to any god any of them any god but this one

Hand held by it. Brought through castle filled with people recognized recognizable delegates enemies from battlefield allies from ballrooms walking by seeing it smiling nodding appreciating loving hoping respecting not seeing companion to it not seeing the thing in its claws dragged along like toddler through battlefield come come come it says come let’s go 

Sit in room filled with art of it. Excellent portraits of it killing maiming existing doing thinking being having eating gouging destroying painted by sensible person but sensible they cannot be or they would not draw it they would not speak to it willingly stench of thinner and

Dinner. Consume vegetables or risk wrath of it. Eat willingly at side of delegates important judges and verdicts they do not know they will never know they can’t comprehend never will never ever ever ever if only they could see memories if only they knew what it did what it will do again 

I 

want

to 

Face of it close enough to bite throat out close enough to maim close enough to kill so so so easily but it doesn’t it looks it ascertains it checks it knows spindly fingers of not-bone not-flesh not-blood press into skull into head into brain into mind searching searching searching and then finding always finding

It: Simel, please, it’s almost midnight. Can’t you sleep one night without thinking about [freedom]? It’s just not… I know, I know, and I’m sorry, I wish it wasn’t this way either, but we have to make the most of what we have. All that matters to me is that you’re alive. I mean, can you even… Sure, we aren’t exactly friends, I know that, but I still care about you, so to hear you always thinking about [freedom] is just… It hurts, okay? Which might sound rich coming from me, but the fact that you dislike me is no reason to hurt me. I do everything I can for you. I talk to you, get you nice things, let you do whatever you want… It’s just… Hahh. No, I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m being dumb again. Sorry. You know how I get when it’s this late. I’m going back to bed. Just… Try not to think about [freedom] again tonight, okay? I get grouchy when I don’t sleep properly.

Existence unbearable days go by 

Surviving

Sleep within womb of living flesh undulating moving pulsating heart beating beneath body lungs rising as bed holy sacred body carved out transformed into cavity to house parasite it welcome welcome welcome sleep within live within eat within

It came back from the disappearance shambling drunk like father after the midwinter party stink of alcohol babbling laughing crying and it opened its bowels and tore from them every intestine it had and when the flesh regrew by the grace of the Gods it tore it out again and again and again and again more and more and more until blasphemous cavity carved from holy flesh was nearly entirely full but then it came to him it came to him on hands and knees crying begging pleading “Please Simel I’m sorry I wish I hadn’t done any of that but it hurt so much why did you let that wizard guy tear my out of my skull it hurt so much and you didn’t do anything I only wanted to be your friend but you let them treat me like an animal a specimen to be dissected how can you fault me for acting like it afterwards?” crawling up his body clutching at his robe grabbing fistfuls of fabric in bony red bloody claws a trail of blood and tears and snot following his weight toppling them sending them both to the sacrosanct floor its body heaving with sobs and warbling screams reaching for him reaching for his face to hurt him to kill him to destroy him just like it always meant to just like it had always intended ever since the beginning heart rearing in chest mind burning with terror he took the barb of nearby cactus feed thrust it at it hoping to kill hoping to end but it only went into shoulder only hurt shallowly less than it had hurt itself but still it cried in pain and threw itself to the floor curled up shaking crying like struck child 

but 

he had felt no pity at all

none for it

not after what it had done

to everyone it had done it

there was no pity left over

It: Simel? Could we talk? Sorry, I know this is a bad time, but I was just wondering… You… You do feel something for me, right? You see, when I undid my projection the last time, you saw… you saw me. Not anyone else. And, well… The miracle works by making you see whoever you hope to see most. And, for you, at that moment, that person was, um… Me. And I just… It’s been two months since then, and I still can’t understand why. If you hoped to see me, it must mean, at least to some degree, you wanted to see me. Maybe—maybe, deep down, you knew that I’m not really a horrible monster? That what I’ve done for you wasn’t, like… Some kind of beast, trying to trick someone. That it was a person, doing their best. Does that make sense?

Turn eyes. Beastly face stare back eyes suns in inkpools. Expectant. Wanting. Always wanting. Hopeful.

It: Yeah, I know, it’s a far shot, I was just thinking, I mean… Okay, listen, this might be a silly idea, I’m just, heh, getting a little desperate, but I was thinking… You don’t have any hope in you. But the miracle should still activate. So, what I’m considering is, if I maybe try to activate it—that is, de-activate the projection—then either you’ll see me, and maybe you’ll realize you don’t totally hate me, or you’ll see who you really hope to see, and then, we could call them here, and they could come talk to you, and maybe convince you that life is worth living and you shouldn’t try to [free yourself]? How’s that?

Animal. Beast. God. 

It: I know, I know, long shot, but… It’s worth a try. If this doesn’t work then, heh, I’m really starting to run out of ideas! Of course, I don’t hate the way things have been, it’s kind of nice to always have a friend at my side, but I just wish you’d enjoy being here, too. So, I’m going to try it now, okay? Don’t worry, I won’t kill you, it’ll be fine. Just stay calm, and in three, two, one…

Simel froze. His breath hitched in his throat, and he could feel his lower lip trembling. 

Mother?

Then she was gone and it was only it it was never mother mother had never been there mother was dead and had been for three years mother would never come back again would never hold again would never be again would always be dead dead dead burnt by the fires of it turned to ashes alongside Acheron but she would never rise from them never become alive again never exist always always always be dead dead dead

It: Oh, shit, that wasn’t good, that was—oh, man I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…

Arms of it clasp around body no no no no let me go stop it please don’t touch me don’t do this don’t hold me get away from me if you’re going to kill me kill me now just kill me now I can’t stand this anymore please please please please I can’t stand this just

It: Shh, shh, shh… There, there, Simel… I’m here, don’t worry… I’ll never leave you… I’m so sorry for hurting you… I really didn’t mean to… You know I’d never hurt you intentionally… I’m so sorry…

End. Continue. 

Tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows no yesterdays no todays agonies upon agonies neverending

Eat lunch. Think about

It: It wasn’t that bad, was it? It’s just a salad. How do you even [free] yourself with a fork? Maybe you should stick to the bread today. 

Memories in dreams in memories in dreams of stars and laughter and little red-drops mischievously shared a time when animal was not beast but merely animal and still reasonable when

Awaken. It watching from chair.

It: Good morning, Simel. Did you have a nice dream? … No? A nightmare? That’s odd, you were smiling. Anyways, I thought I’d tell you, the emperor arrived today! Isn’t that cool? According to Gecko, normally, countries would just send their top nobility as delegates. The king himself visiting for a peace treaty thing would be strange. But, I guess, considering that Vann is here, it’s not that strange. Besides, I’m here, too. What’s an emperor to a god? Heh, sorry, I’m just being

I 

It: Oh, come on, dude. I’m trying to talk to you. Why are you always thinking about that? I’m trying to tell you fun, good news, and all you can think about is [freedom]. I just… I don’t know what to do with you anymore. Sometimes I think you’d really prefer to be dead. But I know that can’t be it. No one really wants to die. Sure, I’ve had my own moments, but I always realized how dumb I was afterwards. You can’t do that if you actually die. 

I

It: Again? Dude, I just—ugh. Man. Listen, Simel, I like you, I really do, you were my first ever [victim], and that means so much to me. Always has. But when I can barely say a word without you wanting to [free] yourself… It’s disheartening. Really, it is. It’s like you don’t even care. I do so much for you, and yet…

I

It: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sure. I just wanted to tell you that I’d be meeting the emperor this afternoon, and since I know you used to be friends, I’ll be bringing you along. I haven’t told him you’re alive yet, I’m not sure how he’d take that, but I just… Maybe it’d do you some good to see a friendly face, yeah? How about it?

Think about days weeks months ago when it was not it it wore a different skin it was something else entirely and for that moment it wasn’t itself and the world was bright again because it wasn’t there anymore it didn’t exist it never had because mother was alive which meant it never existed because then it could never have killed mother and it was such a beautiful world but it didn’t exist no matter how much he wished it did 

Mother—