~Update (I think I might be getting burnout)~ (Patreon)

In an effort to try to be as transparent as possible and to actually talk about when things are bothering me like my therapist wants me to, I wanna talk for a little bit about how I currently feel I'm on the cusp of burnout.

I know in the past few months that I've had a hard time sticking to the release schedule that I've had for the past several years, hell, there's still a NSFW exclusive audio from May that I'm still desperately trying to finish. I've been having an incredibly hard time (especially with NSFW audios) being able to sit down in the booth and get recording done. My ADHD and the executive dysfunction that goes along with it is the worst it's ever been for me when it comes to making audios, and on top of that, I've had to change my working schedule to work around the construction that's happening right next to my apartment complex. This construction literally goes on from 7 in the morning until around 6 o'clock at night most days, and that severely limits the time in which I can record things, and that hasn't been helping the executive dysfunction.

For those who might not know what executive dysfunction does to someone, hopefully this will help explain how agonizing it can be:

Imagine you need to make dinner using the stove. You know that to do that, you need to go up to the stove, turn it on, and start cooking. However, when you get to the stove, the stove for some reason has no way to turn it on. You know that the only way that you can cook dinner is to turn the stove on, but you literally cannot turn it on, so you can't make dinner. Then you stand there, paralyzed and agonizing over the fact that you know you need to cook dinner, but you can't, and you feel bad that you can't when it seems so easy for everyone else. People just tell you, "Just turn your stove on" and you try to explain that you can't, but no matter how hard you try, they don't believe you or don't understand that your stove literally can't turn on. They call you lazy and that you have poor time management skills, or that you're just not trying hard enough, that you don't want to cook dinner hard enough.

That's the sort of thing I'm having with making audios. I look at the booth and know all I have to do is go in and sit down and do the thing, but I physically can't make myself do it, no matter how much I agonize over it. Especially now that I only have a certain time of day when I can record.

This, along with the stagnation I'm feeling with creating audios I feel like is creating this perfect storm that is on the horizon of my consciousness, and I really really do not want to fall into the pit of burnout, because that shit can literally take years to recover from.

I think that I'm doing too much work, and too much of the same exact work, even if the subject matters do change, the manner in which they're done is largely the same, and I think finally, after years of being happy and having a good time with what I'm doing, my ADHD hyperfixation brain is finally starting to wilt on it a little bit. And I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm afraid that if I change how much work I'm doing, and lower my work load, that you, my Patrons aren't going to think that what I do is worth the money it costs anymore. I know logically that is fairly ridiculous, but the idea of losing enough income that I can't do this as my job anymore terrifies me, so I don't know what to do to help myself, but also make you all feel like what you're getting in return is worth it.

I'm trying my best to get everything finished this month, as I feel determined to come through with what I promise for Patreon rewards, I just can't guarantee at all that they'll be coming out in the fairly strict schedule that they've come out at before. I'm just trying to work at a pace that I feel won't make the burnout potentially worse.

I have maybe a couple of ideas on what I want to do to change to help with burnout, and I hope that they work, but I honestly think that I'm doing too much, and that might be something that needs to change.

So many of you are so kind and are going to say, "That's not a problem! Do what you need to for your own health because that's more important," and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I really just want us all to be on the same page, and my neurodivergent need to explain and be understood really needed me to write out this novel and show you that I am trying, I really am, I'm just having a hard time and things might be changing soon. I really appreciate you all, and I hope that I can continue to make content in a way that inspires me again, and doesn't lead to further burn out.

I love and appreciate you all, without you all, I wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Thanks for reading this novel I wrote <3