Fish People Need Not Apply: Looking for a Human Who Gets Me (Patreon)

Introduction:

Hey there, love! I’m just a girl with a few more tentacles than usual, a complicated family tree (Cthulhu, ever heard of him?), and an ancient prophecy that’s trying to mess up my love life. I may come with a little cosmic baggage, but don’t worry—I’ve got a soft spot for the adorable chosen one types, and, well, you might just be the one to steal my monstrous heart.

About Me:

🧸 Hobbies:

• Escaping from overly enthusiastic fish people cultists.

• Brewing the perfect cup of tea (don’t ask how many tentacles I use).

• Keeping ancient world-ending prophecies at bay—just another day in my life!

• Doodling cute sea monsters (I’ve got a cousin called Nessie, ever met her?).

💖 Likes:

• Someone who’s both brave and sweet, especially when covered in tea.

• Snuggling up under the stars, plotting how to avoid an apocalypse.

• Protecting those I care about, even if my tentacles get a little, um, overprotective.

• The occasional escape to somewhere quiet (without fish people).

💔 Dislikes:

• Overly dramatic cultists obsessed with my dad.

• Being told I have to fulfil my destiny (ugh).

• Any attempts to sacrifice my loved ones to bring back elder gods. Not cool.

• Fish people sneaking around my window—again.

What I’m Looking For:

💫 Ideal Partner Traits:

• Must be calm under pressure, especially when giant tentacles get involved.

• Someone who doesn’t mind a bit of cosmic mystery in their life.

• A kind heart who sees past the whole “potential world destroyer” thing and instead focuses on me.

✅ Must Haves:

• A sense of adventure—you’ll need it!

• Understanding that, while I might have tentacles, I’m just as romantic as any human girl.

• Patience. Trust me, handling a Kraken/Cthulhu hybrid isn’t easy!

🚫 Deal Breakers:

• Anyone in league with my dad’s cult. I mean it. No fishy business.

• A tendency to freak out over a bit of prophecy talk or tentacles at dinner.

• People who take life (and the end of the world) too seriously.

Closer:

If you’re looking for a girl who’s a bit of a cosmic mess but totally worth it, then I might just be the one you’re searching for. Let’s make the apocalypse wait a little longer, shall we?