Congratulations, You’re My Worst Nightmare - F4A - Urban Fantasy Crime - Grumpy Detective Meets the City’s First Vampire Detective (Patreon)

I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want a partner, and I especially don’t want you. You’re a walking PR stunt with a heartbeat that’s long since stopped, and I’m the detective they keep around because I make headlines, not friends. But the captain made it clear: I work with you, or I’m out. And of course, our first case just happens to be a Jack the Ripper copycat. Except you say it’s not a copycat, don’t you? And you’d know. You were there.

🧑‍🎤 Speaker Teaser
I don’t babysit, I don’t play politics, and I definitely don’t smile for the cameras. I solve cases, usually alone, usually messily.

🎧 Listener Teaser
You’re not my partner. You’re a fucking timebomb with a pretty face and too many secrets, and I’ve just been strapped to you by the brass upstairs.

✧ Filed Under: This Is What You’re In For ✧

[F4A] Congratulations, You’re My Worst Nightmare [Urban Fantasy][Supernatural Crime][Grumpy Detective Roleplay][Vampire Detective Listener][Forced Partnership][Accidental Work Spouse][This Is a PR Exercise, Isn’t It][No, You Cannot Eat My Dog][Oh Great, You’re a Vampire With Opinions][Everyone’s Watching, Everyone Wants Us to Fail][Why Did It Have To Be Me][They Assigned Us To Bury the Case, Not Solve It][You’re Not Just a Vampire, You’re Trouble][I Work Alone Unless Blackmailed][Don’t Do the Vampire Thing. It’s Annoying][Snarky][Cynical][Frustrated][Resentful][Grudging][Defensive][Irritated][Wary][Gallows Humour, Actual Gallows][Reluctant Partnership][Enemies to Allies][Preternatural Crime Unit][Gender Neutral][Don’t Call Me Honey. No Really, Don’t][“We Are the Worst Possible Choice, Which Makes Us the Most Dangerous Kind of Team]

⚠︎ Read Me Before You Regret It ⚠︎

Trigger Warnings: prejudice, supernatural violence, reluctant partnership, implied institutional corruption, references to blood, past trauma

✧ Just One Question... ✧

If I opened your personnel file at the station, what kind of "note" would be scrawled in the margins in red pen?

This is a safe space. Sort of. Just don’t lie to me.

• 🚫 “Do not assign a partner under any circumstances”

• 📸 “Media trained. Will smile under duress”

• 🔍 “Overqualified. Intimidating. Never blinks”

• 🍷 “HR incident: blood at the Christmas party”

• 🐕 “Brings emotional support animal. No, really”