happy heart's day <3 and a life update (Patreon)

hi my loves!

it’s been a looooong ass minute, hasn't it? since it’s heart’s day today, i really wanted to write and greet you all a happy valentine’s day!!! i hope you spend this day doing something you love, even if you’re celebrating it on your own, with friends/family, or with a special loved one. you are always in my heart despite my long hiatus, and i’m always wishing you the best and happiest experiences in the world. <3

i think it’s also a good time to share what's going on with my "heart" and be a bit vulnerable with you..

first of all, i know i’ve been really awful here (and on youtube), as i haven’t updated in a while. i’ve always meant to check in on patreon, but i’ve always felt guilty and bad.. thinking, oh, i haven't really updated in a while.. and i just delayed and delayed and felt more awful about not updating. it was a bad cycle, and i’m not proud of it. i’m truly grateful that everyone has been so supportive of my journey and for still sending me sweet notes and small tokens.

to be honest, i haven't been in a good place since my mom passed. beyond the financial and emotional responsibilities that came with it, i’ve been grieving a mother who became one of my closest friends too. i initially thought i’d just take a break for 2-3 months and be "fine," but grief doesn't work like that. it’s a different kind of heartbreak, yall.

when i started recording audios, i had a very specific outlook on life and romance. losing her changed my perspective on everything. it made me reflect on the kind of love i want to share with the people i care about.. and that includes you!

i still hope to continue my journey as demonyita.. but i’ve been sitting with a lot of heavy thoughts lately. to be honest, i don’t feel like i fit making content about yandere while i’m not in a good headspace. recording those types of audios takes a specific kind of energy, and it feels wrong to try and perform that intensity when my own heart is just trying to heal. i don't know if that's the kind of love i still want to keep on sharing with everyone..

i’ve also been fighting a lot of imposter syndrome.. seeing my numbers drop and seeing my absence grow makes me feel like maybe i don't fit in here anymore. it’s a bit bittersweet to see listeners i used to talk to every day becoming active with other creators. don't get me wrong! i am genuinely happy for those creators. they work so hard and deserve all the success. but i find myself looking inwards and blaming myself for losing that spark, or feeling like i’ve let down you and everyone who helped me get here.

ahhh, i didn't mean for this to be a sob story! but i felt i owed you a real explanation.

please know i am slowly working on myself. i’ve started therapy and i'm trying to be more physically active to clear my head. i hope you can be a little more patient with me while i find my footing. i’ll try my best to keep you updated, and hopefully, i’ll feel like "me" again soon.

thank you for being here through the silence, i appreciate you so much! happy heart's day <3