Happy pride month 🏳️‍🌈 (Patreon)

It took a while for me to say it because I wanted to share with you some part of my own journey and because I’ve never really talked to you about my life before, especially not this part of it, I wasn't sure. I guess now feels like the right time or maybe that’s just my way of acknowledging the journey of understanding myself. I never questioned my sexuality deeply but I used to think I was only attracted to guys because that was kind of the standard thing around me. 

However, these last two years I realized I don’t really care that much. And when I imagine being with someone in the future, I don’t really picture a specific gender. I just imagine someone I feel comfortable with. It made me realize that I didn’t need to rush to define myself. It actually felt good to accept that, especially because what I realized afterward made me feel bad for a long time. 

There’s always been something else that confused me... something that goes beyond who I’m attracted to. Wow, that's kind of weird to talk about it because even in my head, I took a while putting words to my feelings. 

It’s been several years that I thought something was wrong with me. I love watching romantic stories, cute couples, emotional love scenes in movies and dramas. I can feel so much through them, like this warmth in my chest, sometimes even tearing up. But in real life... it doesn’t happen the same way. Whenever I tried to date or be in a relationship, I couldn’t feel what everyone else seemed to feel. Not like in the movies. Not even close.  

And that scared me. I thought maybe I was broken. I wanted to love, I really did. I could feel affection, yes, but it wasn’t like what I saw around me. I didn’t understand why I could be so moved by fictional love stories, and yet feel so disconnected in real life.

But then I started learning more. I met people who made me feel safe. I realized that lgbtq+ doesn’t only mean something specific. That there’s a whole spectrum out there, and that other people feel this way too. And slowly, it started making sense. I still don’t know exactly where I fit, and for once, I’m okay with not knowing.

Sometimes I say I'm jealous watching couples in shows, like—ugh, i want that too 😭 and that’s true, but at the same time, I’m at peace. Maybe one day it’ll happen when i least expect it. I’m not really looking for love right now but someone wanted to try with me recently. So I decided to give it a chance. Maybe that will work. Maybe it won’t. And that’s okay too. i don’t feel like something’s missing anymore. i’m living life fully, just as i am, and it feels good.

So wherever you are in your journey—if you know exactly who you are or if you’re still figuring it out, if you’re in love or never been, if you’re loud and proud or quietly existing—i hope you’re being kind to yourself. you don’t have to have it all figured out. Let time do its thing.

Happy pride month. I’m proud of you. And this year, I’m learning to be proud of me too.

Lady Jaiz <3