The New Years Baby - Pt. 1: Shopping Brawl (Juvenile Jenga) (Patreon)

“Okay, Chris said that in order to properly have this New Years Party, we need to make sure that we’ve got as many of the provisions he’s asked for. “ Troy said, holding up the list in front of Ian’s face. He snorted a bit, shooting steam from his nose from the determination. “He gets really mellow when he’s exhausted so I’m sure we’ll be able to get away with some stuff eventually. But for now, we need to do what he says so that he can stop being a sourpuss.”

Ian sighed with his hands in his jeans pockets. “Right, well, as strangely persnickety as your older brother is, the fact that we keep having to do whatever he says before we can have a proper party is getting really tiresome.”

Troy huffed. “It’s fine. He never likes going back on his deals so we just need to grab everything on this list. Let’s hurry and get this done.”

The two of them made their way into the supermarket, picking up the items that Chris deemed necessary for a successful party. Buying all the cutlery, including coasters for cans of soda, seemed pretty dumb. They had like 30 coasters in the house because Chris kept putting them on the list even though there were only four people in the house and he was the only one who used them.

Troy tried to tell him to throw them away but he said that’d be a waste of money. Troy was just going to ignore buying more and use the ones they already had. He’d tell Chris that he took the initiative to unwrap them himself. He’d believe it so long as it fit the narrative that Troy did what he was asked.

The rest of the list was mostly good. He was always super specific about which type of chips to get and which sodas to get. If Troy wanted something else, he’d lie and say they were out of what Chris wanted.

If Troy wanted Grape Crush instead of the store brand grape soda, he’d get that instead. They were always on sale so he didn’t understand why Chris kept insisting the store brand was cheaper. Plus, it tasted like medicine. Eventually, Chris just gave up on that. Even he had to concede that the Crush tasted better.

By five o’clock the two of them had a half full cart of items. Ian was currently looking over a special brand of Nacho cheese in a jar for the zesty nachos they planned to make.

“I think this is the last item…” Ian muttered to himself, his back turned from Troy and the cart.

“Cool. Throw it in the cart,” Troy said, also with his back currently turned from the cart and Ian. He was looking over various jars of jalapenos.

When Ian tossed the can he expected it to land in the cart.

Instead, he heard the sound of someone catching it.

“Oh. Nice catch Troy,” Ian said with a smirk, still not looking.

“Thanks,” came a familiar but unwelcome voice.

Ian jolted with surprise and quickly turned around. Troy must have heard the same thing and quickly did just as Ian did.

“CALZONE?!” Both Ian and Troy shouted in unison, sweat drenching their faces with shock.

“Hey losers. How’s ol’ Skunk Stripe? Is he over in the baby aisle?” Calzone asked, snickering to himself a little.

“H-Hey! For your information he dyes his stripe now!” Troy snapped, waving his hands about.

“So?” Calzone was momentarily confused, spinning the jar of cheese on his finger.

“That doesn’t matter,” Ian interrupted with his hand out. “Can you please give us back out nacho cheese. That was the last of that brand on the shelf here.”

“No can do. Finders keepers, Explodey-Butt,” Calzone snickered.

“E-Explodey-Butt…?” Ian blushed, putting his hands over his bottom.

“I think he’s talking about all the times the inventions you make explode in your face,” Troy whispered.

“O-Oh!” Ian blushed a deeper red. “O-Of course that’s what he meant… right… HEY! THAT’S NOT ANY BETTER!”

Calzone began laughing.

“Give it BACK!” Ian reached over to snatch it and Calzone yanked it out of his way causing Ian to fall to the floor.

“Nope. Like I said, finders keepers.” Calzone leered down at him.

Troy growled. “Why do you keep saying that? You didn’t even find it first!” Troy pointed an accusatory finger at Calzone who’s reaction was to grin wider.

“I totally did. I had my eye on it earlier. I left to get something else and I decided I wanted this after all,” Calzone shrugged.

Ian poked his head up, his butt in the air from the position he was on the floor. “You mean you saw that we wanted it and that’s what made you come to take it.”

Calzone didn’t say anything to that. He just looked away with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“You left and you didn’t take it. We did. So it’s OURS!” Troy snapped and stomped his foot.

“Hmm… well… I guess that’s fair.” Calzone said, surprising Troy. “Come on over and I’ll give it to you.”

“Eh? R-Really?” Troy looked shocked and trudged over to him. “Well that was easy.”

When Troy got in close, Calzone sneered and leaned in. “I actually got a secret to tell ya.”

“Eh? What is it?” Troy leaned in.

“TROY!” Ian shouted.

“Hmm?” Troy turned to look at Ian and missed the evil glare on Calzone’s face as he thrust his knee up right into Troy’s balls!

CRUNCH!

The sound of glass shattered rang out and Troy’s wide-eyed, cross-eyed face was frozen in an expression of pain. His mouth was making an oval shape and letting out a silent scream that only the nearby dogs could hear. Snot dripped from his nose.

“I like my nachos with a pair of cracked nuts. It’s pretty satisfying if I do say so myself,” Calzone chuckled then belted out a gush of laughter as he turned to run down the aisle.

“HEY!” Ian stood to his feet and snarled. “Get BACK here!”

Troy fell to his knees, grabbing his crotch before falling over with his large bottom in the air, wriggling about like jello.

“Naw,” Calzone shouted back. “If you can TAKE this back I may have more respect for you though.”

“You sleazy–!” Ian snapped. “Come on Troy! Let’s go teach that guy a lesson!” He said, shaking with rage.

Troy poked his head up. “M-Maybe we should just g-get a different jar of nacho cheese…?”

Ian winced. “M-Maybe we could but are you really just going to let him do that to you?”

Troy grumbled. “My balls ache…”

Ian sighed.

He was about to go along with Troy’s desire when suddenly, Calzone poked his head around the corner to taunt them one last time.

“Good idea, Bubble-Butt. All that jello in your rump would wear out if you came after me. See ya!” He said quickly before zipping off again.

Ian’s eyes bugged out. “Uh-oh…”

Troy was struggling to get up, his head already sizzling.Then, with a monstrous flare of his nostrils and a raging face the likes of which ascended to the peak of godhood, he clenched his fists and screamed his head off!

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING LARD BUTT HUH?!” Troy shouted.

“Th-That’s not what he said but at least you’re fired up now… I guess?” Ian winced.

Troy was off like a bullet after that, leaving Ian temporarily in the dust before he gave chase as well.

“Come on, come on!” Ian rushed after him and rounded a corner.

Calzone wasn’t that far away. He must have stopped to give them a chance to catch up. He really must have wanted to mess with them.

“Troy, try to not let that steamed head of yours get in the way of using logic when pressing any advantage we may gain on him. It’s still two against one!” Ian said, turning to look at his seething buddy.

“GET BACK HERE! I’M GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR BUTT! HOW’S THAT HUH?!”

Ian sighed.

He wished comments about Troy’s butt didn’t trigger him so abruptly but at least he cooled down pretty quickly, usually.

“No thanks!” Calzone shouted back, stopping by an area that had several cans of peas lined up. “I’ve always wanted to try this. It works so well in the cartoons.”

He then kicked the stand over and watched as cans of peas fell and rolled towards the two of them.

Both Ian and Troy perked up when they saw that and tried to stop their approach. They were running too fast though and when they tried to slow down, they each took a bad step right on to one of the cans each.

“WHOA! WHOOOOOAAAA!” They both shouted and flailed about, rolling on them before falling and sliding towards the remainder that were lined up in the store.

CRASH!

Calzone winced when he saw the cans toppled over on to the two boys, chuckling happily as their legs twitched from sticking out of the pile.

“Clean up on aisle four.” Calzone muttered.

Troy poked his head out of the pile, eyes rolling and derpy smile on his face. “I has you now Mr. Gorilla. Gimmie back muh banana…!”

Ian groaned as he crawled from under the pile, eyes spinning in his sockets as well.

“Y-You jerk…!” Ian snapped at attention and tried to dive at Calzone.

He merely stepped out of the way.

Ian landed on his feet and spun to point at him. “What’s the matter? Afraid Mr. Explodey-Butt is going to hurt you?”

Calzone didn’t respond. He just held up Ian’s belt.

Ian stood there, momentarily confused with his finger pointed at Calzone, before his pants flopped to his ankles.

“AIEEEP!” Ian blushed and looked down at his exposed Power Rangers briefs. He was about to reach down and pull them up when Calzone looped the belt and swatted it across his face!

Ian grunted and spun around 180 degrees so that his butt was facing Calzone now.

The hit also rattled his impressive brain.

His eyes were back to rolling again and he even had that dumb derpy smile on his face now.

“Ohhhh! I’m so sowwy big bwuda! I needa ‘pankin cause I’ve been sooo naughty!” Ian giggled with his tongue out and wiggling his butt back and forth.

“You sure do.” Calzone said, grinning as he spanked Ian’s bottom with the belt repeatedly.

Each spank made him snap in and out of his derpy daze. It entertained Calzone like you wouldn’t believe.

SMACK!

“OW! Calzone! Stop it this inst–!”

SMACK!

“DUUUOIIIEE! I’m gunna need that whole pot for my beef wellington ma’am!”

SMACK!

“OW! I mean it! This is humiliat–!”

SMACK!

“Who’s da weirdo in the weird clown outfit Ms. nurse?!”

SMACK!

“EEEEK! I can’t feel my butt cheeks!”

Calzone laughed himself to tears and actually had to double back a bit with his hands holding his gut.

He didn’t take notice of Troy sneaking up behind him, licking his lips, before nabbing the jar of cheese from Calzone’s loose free hand.

“AGH! Hey!” Calzone snapped.

“Haha! I got it!” Troy laughed and turned to run.

“Oh no you DON’T!” Calzone spun around and booted Troy in the butt so hard that it rocketed him out of his shorts and sent him screaming into the baby aisle!

Troy crashed and rolled, losing his shirt and shoes in the process, before smacking like a bowling ball into the tower of diapers that was there.

His body laid across them, twitching as his Tiny Toons themed underoos were on open display here. His eyes were rolling again and he could only lay there and drool as stars circled his head.

Ian gasped when he saw this. “Y-You jerk! How could you?!”

“What? It’s where he belongs, right?” Calzone snickered. “Diapers are probably the only thing big enough to contain that enormous butt of his.”

“You… AGH!” Ian snapped and actually landed a punch on Calzone’s face, making his head turn a bit.

Ian panted, hopped up on adrenaline and anger… before snapping back to reality once he realized what he did. “Uh…”

Calzone was wide-eyed, looking stunned. His cheek had a little red welt on it now.

He turned to look at Ian, flabbergasted.

“Did… did you just… punch me in the face?”

Ian looked at his fist and then giggled nervously, putting it behind his back.

“I-I… w-well… h-hallucinations are a phenomena that happen from overexertion and tiredness. I suggest getting plenty of rest once you head home so you can stop imagining things., Ian said, a scared smile on his face as he stood with his hands up.

Calzone narrowed his eyes at the boy.

Ian began sweating even more.

“U-Uhm… o-or… m-m-maybe it was real but… h-hey, you know… respect for fighting back and all that, right?”

Ian’s briefs started to get wet in the front and pee dribbled down both his legs.

“What do you think?” Calzone asked, pressing his nose to Ian’s.

“... I think I would like a diaper as well.” Ian gulped.

“Coming right up.” Calzone sneered, cracking his knuckles.

The sounds of a rough beating were heard by everyone walking outside the stores. No one knew exactly what was going on but when Troy and Ian suddenly smacked right against the window, the people walking by jolted to a stop to turn and look.

Both Ian and Troy looked absolutely destroyed. They were bruised up and their tongues were out, slobbering the window with their drool. They only had on pairs of Go Diego Go diapers that were already getting soaked from the bladder failure caused by the pain.

They then slowly slid down the window, leaving trails of drool behind…

A few seconds later, Calzone exited the store, a can of a different brand of nacho cheese in his hand.

Cutting back inside, you’d see the two unconscious diapered boys laying on top of one another… and the can of nacho cheese that they wanted tucked into the back of Ian’s diaper.

It was a gift for having the guts to stand up to him and punch him in the face.

—

“... Okay, so I’m having a hard time following…” Chris said, hands on his hips. “Explain it to me one more time. Why did the two of you come home wearing wet diapers with several packages of them in your shopping cart?”

Troy and Ian stood there looking defeated and annoyed. The pouts on their faces were pretty substantial.

“Calzone beat us up and made a mess of the store… but it got blamed on us and since the diapers were opened and put on us, we had to buy the whole pack plus a few extra.” Troy sighed. “There. Understand better now?”

“... Hmm,” Chris crossed his arms and tapped his foot as he leered down at them as they stood in the center of the living room.

“Don’t worry. We got them in sizes that’ll fit you too.” Troy commented.

“What the-?! Why would I want-?!” Chris snapped in anger. Troy giggled and then winced in pain.

“Agh. Hurts to laugh…” Troy muttered.

“Well, whatever. They’re here now. Let’s just make the most of it,” Mario said, sitting by the TV set with a controller in his hand. Bourbon was sat right next to him with the other one.

“They got the cheese too,” Bourbon added, turning his head a little. “That means the nacho calculation won’t be off-center.”

“... Nacho… calculation?” Chris tilted his head in confusion. His thoughts on Bourbon were currently a secret but he had to admit, he said some weird stuff some times.

“The ratio of what’s required for good nachos is calculated by desire. Tortillas are 20%. Meat is 30%. The cheese is also 30%. And hot sauce is 80%.” Bourbon stated.

Chris did an anime face fault. “Wha-? That doesn’t even add up to 100% properly. Also, why does hot sauce have so much and tortillas so little?!”

“Relax. Pull up a seat and play with us,” Mario said with a chill vibe in the air. It would seem Chris’ exhaustion hadn’t taken hold yet, which is why he wasn’t acting like the cool version of himself here.

“I can’t relax. They just spent a bunch of MY money on diapers! What are we going to do with all these?” Chris asked.

Mario pondered for a bit. “We could play a game!”

“Eh?” Chris tilted his head.

“Yeah! That’s it! I got it!” Mario stood up, pounding his fist into his palm. “Let’s play a game to see who’ll become the New Years Baby!” Mario laughed and rubbed his hands together. "Whoever it is has to wear these until the packages are used up."

“Uhm…” Chris, Troy, and Ian were all unsure about this. Bourbon dropped his controller, eyes wide and blushing from the mere thought of being embarrassed like that. His weakness was so obvious.

“You two losers, put on some proper clothes. We need to start fresh for this to work!” Mario pointed at Ian and Troy.

The two of them blushed and nodded, happy to get out of these soaked diapers, finally.

Once they changed into normal pajamas, the five of them sat in a circle with index cards in front of Mario and a marker in his hand.

“What exactly are we doing here?” Chris asked. The sound of Sonic Adventure 2: Battle’s 2-player mode was going off in the background. Chris had to lower the volume so that it was at a whisper so that he could pay proper attention to this… whatever’s happening.

“It’s simple. It’s going to be a game of luck.” Mario said, writing out numbers on his cards.

1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

He then shuffled them up and laid them on the floor face down.

“I’m going to use a random number generator on my phone to see which number has to suffer the consequences of being the New Years Baby. Whoever has that number is the lucky loser!” Mario smirked.

“That’s not a GAME!” Chris said.

“Y-Yeah! I agree! Not a game! Not a game!” Bourbon said, panic in his voice.

“Oh calm down. Who says we gotta stop after the New Years Baby is picked?” Mario smirked writing a bunch more stuff down on index cards for another pile. “These will be a bunch of dares. I wrote like four of them so… you know. We can do this four more times.”

Chris and the others stared at Mario like he was insane.

He smiled back at them, innocently. Like an idiot.

“...I guess we can try it out.” Troy said eventually, smiling a like a sly fox.

“WHAT?!” Bourbon gasped.

“Yeah. If it’s a game of chance then no one is going to know who’ll end up the big baby,” Ian smirked.

Chris pondered this for a bit and then put on the same mischievous grin. “Oh, absolutely. I concur.”

Mario’s evil grin came next. “Great. Glad you guys see it my way.” He laughed a little, rubbing his hands together.

Bourbon looked at the four of them and their evil faces.

He just sat there, twitching and blushing with fear. “Oh no… please don’t let it be me…!”

“Alright,” Mario put his hand on one of the cards. “Every one place your hand on your chosen card.”

Troy, Ian, and Chris did next, giving one another evil glares.

Bourbon gulped but tried to look just as confident when he did the same.

“Alright… now to press the random number generator button…!” Mario set his phone down and pressed the button.

The five of them looked on with sweat on their faces as the number generator cycled through the numbers like a slot machine. They didn’t know who had what numbered card yet so whatever came up wouldn’t mean anything until they finally looked.

Oh but the heart attack that awaited the unlucky loser that did was sure to be palpable…!

—

Oh, the suspense is killing me. We’ll see who has which card next time BUT… I need you guys to vote on which number will be the unlucky number.

You won’t know who has which number until next time so these are all going to be completely random votes. We’re all leaving this up to chance. I don’t know who the loser is going to be and neither will you until next time!

See you then!