AR Chapter 506 (Patreon)

Consuming so completely it leaves no ash.Those who feel it wish it had only beenFire.

Washing away every sense of self,Those who wake wish it had only beenWater.

Laying unbreakable chains in the mind.Those who escape wish it had only beenStone.

Whispering commands yet unspoken, unceasing.Those who flee wish it had only beenAir.

—Lamentation of the Still-Shackled

Varali

Wood creaked as wind rushed through the trees. More than that, the wood of Varali’s bow protested as she drew the string back to her ear. She sighted down the shaft, looking at her prey, then she exhaled as she released her shot. Her greatest talent with Flamespeaking did nothing here, so she tried to Windspeak adjust the arrow’s trajectory. Though it helped her make an arrow fly true, the arrow still thunked uselessly into the tree trunk behind the rabbit. Because of its own senses, Varali’s inadequacy, or perhaps something else, the rabbit twitched just out of the way of the shot, bounding away into the forest.

Varali blew out a long, controlled breath, letting the frustration of her missed attack go with the breath. She still wasn’t used to living within the confines she was now forcing herself to live in. Even so, it was better that she continued on this path, so she didn’t look back.

Deciding against continuing to try to hunt, Varali continued trying to calm herself, then nodded and walked towards the nearby copse of papayas. She liked these fine, even though she was really missing the taste of meat. Plus, she wasn’t the only one she needed to provide for. Even with that, she wasn’t going to hunt one of the easier-to-hit, larger animals around. That would mean ending up with at least 100 pounds of leftover meat, and while plenty of creatures around here would eat that, to be that wasteful made her stomach twist.

As she walked among the trees, she found herself talking to herself, though she framed it as if she was speaking to her parents. She found herself doing that more and more as she spent more time alone.

“I tried to visit Giddoni a couple weeks ago. I don’t know if I can say what exactly I was expecting from him, but it wasn’t what I got. He just… He’s like a kid, you know? Sure, he’s a year older than me, but his life experience is just so limited. When I talked about pulling out of the military, he was so confused about why I would. Talked about how I must not understand the Gran Verat’s plans. Seems like he thought that having my mind violated by Leialt was just something I should take laying down. That, obviously, I just didn’t understand his intentions, even though the bastard got pulled out of the Thnufir garrison because of it. No, in his mind, someone who’s so high up in the leadership of the country couldn’t possibly be a maniac.

“So, you can say that the engagement is off. But, that’s probably for the better, and it’s just formalizing something I already knew. I just feel… broken, most days. I’m scared of most people now. They all could be evil, you know. So, I’m always happier alone. Then, the one person that I should be comfortable around no matter what can’t possibly be comfortable around me, because I’m a colossal idiot. But, I can’t even let her go, can’t give her any real freedom, because I broke her more than the Alniyhs ever did to me. She can’t function by herself, and even if she could…

“I’ve talked about this a million times. I just wanted to talk to you about Giddoni. He’s in his final year at the Red Abbey, and I guess he’s pretty close to being called a High Wavespeaker and sent off to some new war. Said something about some new holy crusade coming. I guess the Synod’s decided that there’s a new enemy to face out in the east? He tried to explain something, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Instead, I gave him as much of a congratulations as I could stomach and ran away. But honestly, he just feels like a child, doing whatever people tell him to. Better than me running away from everything like I am now, but I figure you would tell me to be kinder to myself. Well, you would, Papa. Mama, you’d probably tell me to start making things better instead of just sitting around. If only I could.”

For a few minutes, Varali went silent, except for quietly whispering a few Phrases of Windspeaking. Like that, she could jump from one branch to the next without disturbing much. As she leapt to a different tree, she smiled at a bird’s nest when she saw two eggs inside of it. The parents were nowhere to be seen, off getting food, she was sure. They would be back soon, so she didn’t hesitate to rush off, making sure not to startle the parents off.

Once she’d collected two large papayas, she put them into her backpack and continued on her path. There were some plants nearby that she knew had edible leaves, even if they weren’t particularly delicious, plus there was plenty more she needed to collect for her companion. There were plenty more places to go, and, by now, Varali had learned not to lie to herself. A large part of why she was willing to make multiple stops, to try multiple different avenues, wasn’t just because she wanted to eat well and wanted her companion to do so as well.

It was because she hated having to see the results of what she had done to Fen.

The scaled deer had, for four years now, been a constant friend. She had always supported Varali, even after the idiot woman had violated Fen’s trust and autonomy. For years, as Fen had grown to adulthood, she had given as genuine of advice as could be expected, even when Varali had been so prideful as to consider herself the master of the relationship.

All of this came after she had subjected Fen not to a benevolent soul companion’s bond, but to a predatory soul binding. Because Varali herself had undergone a much milder form of that same binding, she could understand how deeply she had betrayed the deer’s trust. She had taken away every choice that Fen might have made, thinking that she herself knew better. She’d ruined the deer’s ability to think for herself for nearly two years, even after spending a year and a half of that time fighting to undo the damage she had done. While she was so stupid, so selfish, her actions made it so that Fen’s days were filled with battle to sate Varali’s own frustrations, while Fen’s nights were lonely, heartbreaking affairs, where something in her mind tried to remember everything that she’d lost.

Yes, Varali was perhaps as monstrous as the keelish she’d always wanted to take revenge against.

Now that she started to think about all her sins, there was no escape from her self-hatred anyways, so Varali sighed, gathered up the materials nearby, and then began her journey back towards camp. As she drew closer, a faint pressure touched her mind, and feeling her there, Fen immediately latched onto the connection.

Welcome back.

The gentle tone was a knife in Varali’s stomach, and the fact that she couldn’t even hide this from the deer that wanted to shield the human was worse. Their connection served as a further torment, possibly to both of them, because, for an unknown, undeserving reason, Fen wanted to forgive Varali.

“I brought you some food,” Varali said. “I tried to get a rabbit as well, but it got away from me.”

It isn’t a problem for you to use your soul speaking. Perhaps you, of every Soulspeaker in the entire Veratocracy, most deserve to continue to use it. You have understood what it can do to somebody, and refuse to harm another that way.

“Maybe so.”

It was an old and tired argument, and they both left it there. Instead, they enjoyed their food, though it was ash in Varali’s mouth. Once it was finished, Fen asked a question that shook Varali from her self-hatred.

How about we go outside? Leave the Veratocracy? Maybe I could show you where I was born as a human, though those times weren’t so good either. But anything to get away from here?

Varali only took a second to think about it. Fen was asking her to do something, even if she didn’t want to, if it killed her, she’d do it.

“Sounds great.”