Starmind Chapter 19 (Patreon)

While Temeri and I spoke in her cabin, I was also having a conversation with Simeon. It had started before the one with Temeri for similar reasons. In this case, though, it was Simeon who was worried about me and not the other way around.

After the meal, he’d gone to the sickbay. Almost as soon as the door was closed, as he sat down at the desk there, he said, “Star?”

“Yes, Simeon?”

“How’re you feeling, Star?”

“I’m not great, Simeon. But I think I’ll get over it. Thanks for asking, though!”

“Of course.” Then he got a crooked little smile on his face and said, “You’re sort of my daughter, after all, in some strange kind of spiritual way. Or child, at least — we keep thinking of you as female, with how high your voice is and you being a ship and all. Is that alright with you, by the way? I never thought to ask.”

I hesitated then said, “You know, I never thought about it. I don’t think I care. Yes, that’s perfectly alright with me!”

“Good,” he said, drumming his fingers lightly on the desk. “That’s good to hear. So, you’re not great, huh? I’m pretty sure I know why, but is there anything you want to talk about?”

“Um… I don’t know,” I said, and that was the truth of it. There was one big thing hanging in the air. I’d already brought it up, and it had been really painful, but I also knew that I was avoiding even thinking about it whenever I could. So, did I want to talk about it? Probably not! Would it be a good idea to…?

Then Simeon did something heinously treacherous: he rephrased his question.

“Okay,” he said, “is there anything you need to talk about? And you know that you can tell me anything, right? I don’t know exactly how much of my memory you have, but I hope you know that. I’m kind of your dad — and your uncle, too I guess, which is weird. But I’m also the ship’s Healer and, I hope, your friend. So, if I can help you, please let me try.”

How was I supposed to run from my problems when he asked me like that? But right then, in my other conversation, Temeri said that thing about using me as a weapon.

“I’m a survey vessel!” I blurted. “I was intended for science and discovery! And maybe that shouldn’t define me, the person I suddenly am, somehow, but if I’m made up of parts of you all…”

When I trailed off, Simeon said, “We’re all scientifically minded. Two engineers, a Healer, and a Diviner with an interest in sensors and geology. Even the captain, though she’s more focused on strategy and tactics. Yeah. I think I understand.”

“Right! And except for Temeri, none of you are very keen on violence. But I killed people, Simeon. I killed people. Twice. It was an accident the first time, but today… I killed them. I planned it together with Temeri, and then I went through with it. I knew what would probably happen — what we were trying to do. Part of me hoped that it would fail, but I knew it probably wouldn’t. And I killed them. Me. It was Temeri’s idea, but I helped and I was the one who did it. And now, I…”

I trailed off again, and after a short silence Simeon said, “How does that make you feel? Bad I assume, but other than that?”

“I used to feel good about myself,” I told Simeon quietly. “I felt really good about doing everything I could to help you. And it’s hard to do that now.”

“They most likely would have killed us,” Simeon said, just as softly. “Either with their guns, or when they boarded us, or a few days or weeks or however long down the line. They would have killed us.”

“I know. Temeri thought so too, and I trust her judgment. But it’s that ‘most likely’ that makes it so hard to convince myself that I was right to do what I did. About thirty feet of that gunship, in every direction from the docking collar, is part of me now, you know? I’ve already found two bodies. One of them is floating, reaching out for her helmet. The other one is just… scattered. I think they got hit by one of the fragments. Was that necessary, Simeon? Was there really no other way? Couldn’t I have found a way out where no one got hurt?”

“Other than fleeing into the void and taking our chances? I really don’t think so, Star. They were determined to catch us if possible. I was honestly surprised that they didn’t just open fire as soon as they were in range — really didn’t like that part of the plan, by the way!”

“Sorry. We should have been okay even if they did, but… sorry.”

“No, I understand. I just don’t like the idea of combat at all. I’m a naval officer, but… yeah. You know.”

“Yeah, I really do,” I agreed.

“The thing is, Star, I’m sure they’ll come for us again. Probably in bigger numbers, too. Whoever it is out there, they’ve lost two ships. Whether those two ships were subordinates or friends or just rivals of theirs, I’m sure that they’ll want revenge. We need to be ready for that. Sitting here in the shadow of Avara buys us some time, but I don’t believe for a second that we’re safe yet. I guess what I’m saying is that you need to get used to the idea that we may need to defend ourselves again.”

“Unless we can run?” I said hopefully.

“Unless we can run,” Simeon agreed. “What you did bought us time and resources. We have that Development Matrix, and Bekeri seems very hopeful about being able to fix some of the thrusters, especially once the Manufacturing Matrix is done, too. Not sure what he’s basing that on, but he’s the Artificer.” He shrugged then sighed and slumped back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “I really hope we can just run next time.”

“Me too, Simeon. Me too.”

*

My conversation with Temeri had ended right after she reached Crew Level 2 and got her new skill. Rather, she'd ended it. She understood what had happened once she got over the surprise, but she didn't want to talk about it.

“I need to think, Star,” she’d said. “I just… I really need to think about this.”

So I’d left her alone. I withdrew my senses from her cabin, even though she hadn't asked me to, and hoped that she'd want to talk about it when she was ready.

At precisely 2200 hours, Temeri left her cabin and climbed the access tube to the bridge. “Diviner Alder,” she said to Harvin, who had the first watch. He was already on his feet and facing her when she arrived. “I’m taking your watch. Get some sleep.”

“Uh, yes, ma’am!” he said. “Thank you, Captain.”

“Don't mention it. See you in the morning, Alder.”

Once she was alone on the bridge, Temeri sat down at the sensor console, which Harvin had just left. She leaned the couch back, pulling her feet up so she could rest her slate on her knees. Then, since one hand was occupied with the slate, she fidgeted with the nails of her free hand, flicking them with her thumb one after another and making a little snap, snap, snap sound.

Out of nowhere she said, “What does it mean, Star?”

“What does what mean, Temeri?”

“I got a skill. You say my ‘Crew Level’—” I could hear the quotes, “—increased. Like the others. But… why? What does it mean that it did? What does it mean, going forward?”

“Honestly, I don’t really know,” I told her honestly. The cheer I forced into my voice wasn't entirely honest, but we both needed it right then. “I wish I did. But it’s always happened at the same time as something good!”

“Something… good? So, this evening…?”

“Mmm-hmm! We talked, and I think I understand you better now. In an important way, I mean. That's good, right?”

“Oh, sure. Yeah. Is that how it’s been with the others?”

“Well… with Varlanda it was when she finished upgrading my Core, and with Bekeri when he… “ It occurred to me that I shouldn’t mention to Temeri how Bekeri had promised to keep things from her — and maybe do other things that kind-of-sort-of undermined her authority as captain. “He promised to do something for me,” I finished a little lamely. “Oh, and Harvin made me laugh when I really needed it!”

“He made you laugh?” I couldn’t help but think that Temeri sounded a little skeptical or even annoyed.

“Yeah,” I said, ignoring her tone; she’d had a rough few days. “But I really needed it, and it was really funny! He said the reason I can give you all skills is that I’m a god, Temeri! Or a goddess, maybe? A little one, a godling, but still!” I couldn’t help but laugh as I remembered it. “Can you imagine it? Me? Look at me, Star, goddess of… I don’t know! Voidships, I guess?”

As I laughed, I noticed that Temeri had gone very still again, in the way she did sometimes. She wasn’t fidgeting with anything, and her eyes weren’t moving; she wasn’t even breathing.

“A deity,” she said flatly, and her voice was very strained. “You think you’re a deity.”

“Oh, no, not really. But wouldn’t it be great if I was, though? I could really keep you all safe and comfortable then!”

“Yeah,” she said faintly. “You really could. You’d… you’d be able to do almost anything inside your own domain.”

“Yes!” I was so happy that she saw what I did! “Nobody could hurt you, because they couldn't hurt me, right? And nothing could get onboard if I didn't want it to, and there would be no reason for any of you to leave, because you’d have everything you could possibly want!” Then I sighed, by making the air move around her in a little breeze. “It's too bad that I'm not.”

“Sure, yeah,” she agreed. She was looking straight ahead, her eyes looking unfocused. “Too bad.”

I would have really liked to be a goddess right then. Even a little one. I could have done so much without hurting anyone if I was. “Oh, well,” I said, trying not to let the disappointment get to me. “We do what we can with what we have, right?”

“Right.”

“So… what do we do?”

“Huh?” She looked around, like she’d forgotten I wasn’t actually in the room.

“You’re the leader. You're the one who knows tactics and how to plan and everything. That's your job, right? Planning and making decisions?”

“That's the idea,” she said, sounding tired.

“So? What do we do now? Our plan worked, but this is as far as we talked about. We’re safe, in an orbit that keeps us on the other side of the planet from Erebus. Now what? What we did was terrible, so how do we make sure it was worth it?”

Temeri’s immediate answer was simple: “We keep surviving.” Then, after a pause long enough that I almost asked her to elaborate, she continued. “Like you said, we do what we can with what we have. That means our skills, each other, and whatever impossible things you can magic up. We…” She hesitated. It almost felt like she didn't like to say what she did next. “We need you to be stronger. More developed. And we need to get you more tools, because the more tools you have, the wider our options. Presumably, at least.”

“So we stay here?”

“We stay here,” Temeri confirmed. “That gunship is a potential goldmine, and we should repurpose everything we can. I’d appreciate it if you could see if any of the thrusters are in working order, for example. All of them: main, secondary, and maneuvering. Artificer Bekeri is trying to repair some of our own, damaged thrusters, but we do have EVA suits. We may be able to salvage and install some from the gunship.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea!” I gushed. I hadn’t thought of that! Just because I couldn’t move the thrusters didn’t mean that the Crew couldn’t!

I just had to get comfortable with the idea of them leaving me, even for a short voidwalk. One of my Crew, outside, with nothing but a few layers of fabric between them and the murderous radiation and boiling vacuum of the void. Yeah. I could deal with that.

“I’m about halfway done assimilating the ship. I’ll get you a report in the morning,” I told her, forcing myself not to think about what I was finding there quite yet. Morning was hours away. Plenty of time to get used to the idea that one of my Crew might leave me for the greedily suffocating embrace of the void.

“Good. Thank you. Lastly, we need to figure out what these skills do. These… changes you’ve made to us. Those, and this Crew Level we apparently have now.”

Changes I’ve made? I thought. That was… it felt like an unfair way to put it. But I couldn't hold it against her. She had a duty to the Crew, after all, and she liked to be in control. It must be very strange for her to have her Crew suddenly get new and unexpected skills, never mind herself. I was sure that once she understood things better, she’d be just fine. And this was something I could help with!

“I’m not entirely sure,” I told her. “But I think Varlanda and Bekeri’s skills let them build and maintain parts of me that they couldn't otherwise!”

“Mmm, maybe. If they follow the pattern of regular crafting skills… could be a bonus, could make it possible at all. But with how unique you are — that we have to assume you are, anyway — it would make sense. But my own? ‘Starmind Command’? I’m not entirely comfortable trying to command you to do anything.”

“Because I might get mad and void you in your sleep!” I joked. I made sure to laugh so she'd know for sure that I was joking.

Temeri didn't laugh. She started playing with her nails again.

I suspected that my joke hadn't quite landed. “Which, to be clear, I wouldn't do! Never, for any reason!” I quickly clarified. “Not even by accident! I’d never void you! I’m very careful about hull integrity!”

My own hull integrity, that was. I clearly couldn't be trusted around other ships. A single look at the shredded front of the gunship proved that.

“Great,” Temeri agreed. It sounded suspiciously like a sigh. “Good to know voiding’s off the table. So. The skills. Do you have any idea what mine might do? All I get when I query it is that it’s supposed to help me command a Starmind.”

“But that's what it’s called. It doesn't tell you anything new,” I helpfully pointed out.

“I’m aware,” Temeri said, just a bit more slowly than she'd usually speak. “So I was hoping you might know more, since you’re the source.”

“Um… not really? Maybe it means ‘command’ in the sense of commanding a ship, rather than a person?”

Temeri sighed. “That's—” she started. Then she paused, and from the way her lower lip dimpled inward I guessed she might be chewing it. “Well,” she continued after a little while, “that still doesn't tell me what it does, but it's another vector to approach the problem from. Thanks, Star.”

“You are very welcome, Temeri!”

We didn't figure out what her skill did that night, but it felt nice to have something to work on together. Eventually she had to go to bed, which she did after I made her promise to get at least seven hours of sleep.

I didn't tell her that I’d finished assimilating the gunship while we talked. What I saw onboard made me much too sad to want to pay attention to it, much less talk about it, and I’d enjoyed our conversation far too much to ruin it with my problems.

Unfortunately, Simeon had the next watch, and the gunship was about the only thing he wanted to talk about. Not the craft itself, of course. He wasn't really interested in voidcraft. But he was very interested in what supplies we may be able to salvage. A large part of that was due to their mission having been intended to last for two days; they’d been provisioned for a week, but most of that had been in the cargo hold, which had gone missing at some point. And even if it hadn't, we were now moving into the ninth day since leaving Mundus, so they would have been in a pinch anyway.

That wasn't to say that there wasn't any food onboard. The Crew had their two expected days’ worth of food in the rec room, and we’d salvaged a few days' food from New Me, the first ship to come after us. But the number of meals they could cook numbered in the single digits. For most of their caloric intake, nutrient paste was it.

“Have you been able to take a look at the gunship?” Simeon asked carefully. He was taking his watch in the sickbay, with me sending all my sensor readings to his slate for no reason; he trusted me to let him know if anything happened. Well, maybe not no reason; it made Temeri feel better. She'd okayed monitoring the sensors remotely instead of from the sensor console, so that's what Simeon, Varlanda, and Bekeri did. Just, they did so for a very special interpretation of “monitoring,” which amounted to glancing at the readouts once every few minutes while otherwise working on something else.

In Simeon’s case, that something else was either meal plans or organizing stores. He’d asked me earlier in the evening about supplies on board the gunship, and I’d deflected by saying that I hadn't finished making it part of myself yet, which had been entirely true! By the time he asked again, though, I was done. No new level this time, unfortunately. That would have been very welcome, but it might be just as well; Varlanda was too busy to upgrade my Core anyway.

When Simeon asked about the gunship, I noted two things. The first was that he sounded concerned, the same way that he had when we talked about how I felt about what I’d done. It was a tone that showed that he cared. The other was how he worded it: not “Have you had time?” or “Have you taken a look?” but “Have you been able to?”

He knew that I’d finished assimilating, because I’d told him when I’d be done. And he knew that I could observe anything inside myself. So he wasn't asking if I had the physical ability. He was asking if I’d worked up the courage — if I was emotionally ready.

I really appreciated that.

“I haven't,” I confessed. “But I really should, shouldn't I?”

“‘Should’ is a big word, sometimes,” he said kindly. “You ‘should’ do it sometime soon. That doesn't have to be now, if you need more time.”

I sighed, heavily enough that his hair moved a little. “But it would really help if I did, wouldn't it? We need to know what we have to work with. Stores, materials, thrusters…”

“Not the weapons?” Simeon said, riding the fine line between question and statement.

“Not the weapons,” I agreed. I wanted to shudder, but I couldn't quickly think of a way that wouldn't make him sick. “I’m scrapping those.”

“If anything deserves it, it's them, right?” Simeon said with a gentle smile.

“Yeah. They know what they did. But… I’m going to do an inventory. It might not be complete, though. I’ll be avoiding some areas.”

Like the bridge. And the corridor leading from the bridge. And the Crew cabins. I couldn't quite figure out how many people had been on board just by the mess, but while the cabins might help with that, I wasn't ready to find out who these people had been.

Those places aside, and no matter what Simeon said, I really should take a look at what we’d gained. It would hurt, but that was no real excuse to delay. We needed every edge we could get, and I’d never forgive myself if I put my own comfort before the safety and comfort of my Crew.

I hadn’t had long to get to know myself, but I knew that much.