Starmind Chapter 39 (Patreon)

“Go on, Star. Simple question. We all gain levels differently, depending on our class. I gain mine from commanding the voidsmen below me. You gain yours from taking control of ships. How many more do you need for your next level?”

How in all the void was I supposed to answer that?! Especially when I had two different voices in my head yelling at me: one telling me that they couldn’t possibly know that for sure, and that they must be guessing; and the other insisting that Tammeron wouldn’t have asked the way she did if she didn’t know for sure already, and that lying here would be a terrible, terrible mistake.

Be yourself, Varlanda had said. Trust your instincts.

I very much doubted that this was what she’d been thinking of. I hated my instincts just then. I really hoped they wouldn’t get us all killed or locked up forever.

“It’s really mean of you to ask me that the way you did,” I said, filling my tone with all the disapproval I could muster. Which wasn’t much, but I tried really hard!

“So you’re not denying it?”

“No,” I pouted. “And to answer your question, I don’t know. I’d expected to gain a level from the gunship, but I didn’t. So the next one, maybe?”

“Okay!” Tammeron let out a big breath, heavy enough that I heard it over the comms channel. “Thank you for that, Star. We’re done a little early, but I think that I have everything I need. I’ll let you know once I’ve made a decision. Good—”

“Wait!” I blurted. “Captain Tammeron! Lucilla! Please! Is that it? You’re not going to let me know how I did?”I asked, growing increasingly anxious. “That was a pretty big confession at the end! It’s not— I just want to help my crew, you understood that, right? I just want to help! I can’t stand not knowing if I’ve helped them or— or hurt them!”

“Star,” Tammeron said. There was a gentleness in her voice that sounded familiar and practiced, like talking to scared and anxious people was just one of those things she did sometimes, and she’d gotten used to it. “I’m sorry, but you must understand that I can’t tell you that. Imagine that I tell you that I have some concerns, but in the end everything was going to be fine. But then, because I’ve told you, you get yourself all tied up and do something unfortunate that changes the whole situation? That would be terrible, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Right. So you’re just going to have to sit tight for a while, okay? Talk to your crew. Feel free to share what you each said, now that your interviews are all over. I’ll let you know my verdict soon. Tomorrow evening, most likely, or the morning after that. Okay?”

“Okay,” I told her unhappily. That might have been the biggest lie I told her all night — I was pretty dang far from okay.

The moment the channel closed I got in touch with Varlanda, hoping that they were still awake.

“Don’t worry about the hour, sweetie,” she said, responding almost instantly. “We’re all awake here. We’ve been waiting for your interview to be over. How’d it go?”

“Terribly!” I cried. “Or maybe great? I just don’t know! But she knew, Varlanda! She knew about how I gain levels!”

“Oh. Okay. That’s…” Varlanda trailed off pensively.

“What did she say?” Temeri asked in the background.

“She says Tammeron knew about how she gains levels.”

“And Star confirmed it when asked?” Temeri said after a round of surprised muttering.

“Did you, Star?” Varlanda asked me.

“Yeah,” I admitted sheepishly. “But— but she knew! She wasn’t just guessing! Why would she even guess that? It doesn’t make any sense! She knew!”

“I believe you, sweetie,” Varlanda said, calm and soothing. “And I agree. It doesn’t make sense that she’d guess something like that; neither your ability to assimilate ships, nor that it should be how you level. The question is how she knew, because I certainly didn’t say anything, and I have every confidence that no one else did, either.”

Someone sighed, then Harvin said, “I have an idea.”

“Yes, Diviner Alder?” Temeri said, all business now that things were serious.

“We don’t know who else Simeon might have gotten out of stasis. And I can’t imagine that a station like this, existing all the way out here, didn’t have a couple of high-level Diviners onboard.”

“Oh,” Temeri said. “Right. Damn.”

“Yeah, Captain,” Harvin said. “They could have had someone listening in the whole time, determining if we were telling the truth and catching surface thoughts to see if we were holding anything back. And I can’t imagine none of us thought about what Star can do when asked about her.”

“Shit,” Varlanda said. “Shit! I didn’t even think of that! Why didn’t I think of that?!”

“Vee, you can’t blame yourself for that. I didn’t even consider the possibility, and I’m the Diviner!” Harvin’s voice sounded very soft but came through clearly, like he was very close to her.

“What we need to worry about is whether what we each said differs enough to look suspicious,” Temeri said. “I’m sure none of us lied, but an interview like that is a high-pressure situation. I can’t say for sure that I never misspoke, myself.”

“Well, I know I left out some details, but I never lied, as such,” Bekeri said.

“Me neither,” Harvin said. “And I’m sure you didn’t, Vee.”

“Lie?” Varlanda said. “No. But I didn’t exactly volunteer anything.”

“Good,” Temeri said. “We still need to discuss what we were asked and what we said, but considering this possible revelation I suggest we take it in the morning instead.”

“I think a chance to sleep on it would be best, Captain,” Harvin said. Varlanda and Bekeri agreed, and so did I, via Varlanda. Not because I slept at all, or didn’t want to talk about it right then and preferably all night, but because they sounded tired, and I really didn’t see any reason to disagree when they all needed some sleep. Morning would come soon enough. Maybe by then I would’ve stopped feeling so guilty.

I felt even worse when I realized that we couldn't even talk about what secrets we’d tried to keep, in case that hypothetical Diviner didn’t exist. With Sophia listening, even a whisper was as good as a confession. But if they did exist, and if they could listen to my thoughts, they'd know everything! They'd know about the Development, and how I could change myself, and all the fun things Bekeri and Varlanda could—

I spent the rest of that night trying not to think at all. Not thinking because I was anxious was a lot harder than not thinking because I was sad.

*

The conversation the next morning showed that everyone had been asked pretty much the same things: who we were, what happened, what each person's role had been and what they thought about everyone else. And everyone had answered mostly honestly, except that not one of them had said a word about anything I could do that was out of the ordinary, or about Crew levels or special skills. From what they’d said, I might as well have been a very advanced Crystal Mind with a few extras.

…which of course meant that if Tammeron had someone listening to us during the interviews, she and Sophia knew just how much we’d been holding back. It was mortifying, and I slowly began using materials from storage to slowly thicken the hull of my crystal chamber and around the main drive and a few other essentials. I really wanted to hope for the best, but that big gun was still out, even if it wasn’t pointing at me anymore.

I got more and more nervous as the day passed with no word from Tammeron. “If she was happy she’d’ve made her mind up quickly, wouldn’t she?” I asked Varlanda. My mind was all over the place, going from one horrible possibility to the next, and I couldn’t make it stop. “This is all my fault! I made you all lie about me and now she’s furious and she’s going to have Sophia blow me up and I’ll never see you again!”

“Star. Star! Sweetie!” Varlanda said as I babbled. “We don’t know that. I’m sure that Captain Tammeron is just very busy. She’s been pushed into a command role all of a sudden, and she has friends and colleagues coming out of stasis to think about. We shouldn’t be surprised if she can’t take the time to focus on us when she has that kind of responsibility, okay? And, Star?”

“Hmm? What?” I asked, not feeling much better about her version of what was going on.

“If she was angry, wouldn’t it make more sense that she would’ve made a decision immediately? Angry people act rashly, right? If anything, nothing happening is a good sign!”

“Listen to Vee,” came Harvin’s voice from very nearby. “She’s wise and beautiful.”

Varlanda giggled.

“Tell Harvin that I agree on both counts, but I don’t see how being pretty has anything to do with it,” I told her glumly.

“I don’t think that it does,” she replied. She sounded very pleased. “It just that when a certain Diviner decided to throw professionalism out the airlock, he didn’t hold any back.”

“I can be professional—” Harvin said, his voice muted.

“Harvin!” Varlanda giggled. “Not in front of Star!”

“And not in front of your colleagues, either, please,” came Bekeri’s voice from the background.

“—once we’re back on duty,” Harvin finished, his voice sounding more normal again.

I was very confused, but them being so relaxed helped a lot.

Mana Regeneration Efficiency 5 finished at 1740 hours. Another level would put me well over my maximum, which would feel like a waste. My anxiety told me to start on Hardened Hull, in case Sophia started shooting at me, but even with the 1.75 mana per minute I now had available after accounting for everything I was keeping manually, a single level of Hardened Hull would take almost exactly a full day cycle to complete — far too long to do any good. So, I decided that if something terrible was going to happen, and if I couldn’t do anything about it anyway, it was going to happen while I did something I’d been wanting to do ever since Varlanda finished the Development Matrix. That way, if I lived I’d have something nice to look forward to!

At 1745 hours, I started unlocking Basic Crew Developments. It was terribly exciting. I hoped I’d live to see what it gave me!

*

Early the next morning, before Varlanda even opened her link, I received a hail.

“Star,” Captain Tammeron said without preamble, once I’d opened the channel. “We need to have another talk.”

“Good morning, Captain,” I replied nervously. “Of course! What do you want to talk about?”

She sounded embarrassed as she said, “Oh. Right. Good morning. You’ll have to forgive me. Sophia seems to have adjusted station time to match your ship time, but I’m so used to telling time by what’s outside the window that… never mind. Star, as you’ve all figured out, I do know much more about you than any of you were willing to reveal in our interviews. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the details of your… I’m not sure of the best word. Existence? I don’t blame you for wanting to keep them quiet. But knowing what I do puts me in an interesting position.”

The way she said that did not fill me with confidence that I was going to enjoy this conversation, but I couldn’t help but be curious. I very carefully asked, “Interesting how?”

“Well, Star… You represent the end-point of one of the main reasons this station exists, and I know that Enchantress Tell knows, or at least suspects, much more about how you came to be than she’s let on. You’re also an unknown; stars only know what you might become, left unchecked. As a member of the Ex Nihilo project, and as a mortal, I could very easily see it as my duty to keep you here, where you can be studied and kept under control.”

Tammeron paused, letting that sink in. And I was right! I didn’t like where this was going at all!

“But,” she continued, “you’re also a person. One who, from everything I can gather, has done nothing wrong. Neither have your crew, except to keep some sensitive information from me which… I mean, they’re navy, and they’re your friends. I can’t blame them for that. And no matter what my superiors might think of my decisions, they’re not in command right now. Nor is Sophia. I am. And I don’t believe in kidnapping.”

Simeon had once told me about something called whiplash, which was a kind of injury Crew could suffer if they changed velocity too sharply. I imagined it might feel a little like what I experienced at that turn in the conversation. “So…” I said, allowing a little spark of hope to light in my Core, “what does that mean for me and my Crew?”

“It means, Star, that I cannot in good conscience keep you here. But I also think that there are things you need, and that we’d all be better off helping each other. So, in my role as Acting Captain of this station and de-facto current leader of the Ex Nihilo project, I would like to open some kind of negotiations.”

“You’d let us go?” I asked. “You’d let us just… leave? After all this time?”

“It’s only been twelve days,” Tammeron objected. “It’s hardly an ‘all this time’ kind of situation.”

“That is literally half my life!” I exclaimed. I hadn’t meant much of anything by it — I was just pointing it out — but I was so excited and happy and just relieved that we weren’t going to be prisoners anymore that it came out as a kind of triumphant cheer. “I’ve been a prisoner and separated from my Crew for half my life,” I said, a little more soberly as that realization occurred to me.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Tammeron said softly. “I’m sorry for that. But Sophia and I had to think of the station and the crew in stasis first.”

“No, I… I understand,” I replied. “I don’t think I can blame you. It’s just a strange thing to realize, you know? Um… I’d love to help. I really would. But I have no idea what you want, and anyway it’s Temeri you should be talking to. Captain Carlon, I mean.”

“Thank you for your understanding. And I will talk to her. But I know enough to confidently say that unless you agree, you won’t be going anywhere or doing anything. You are the ship, after all. You may respect your crew and defer to your captain’s decisions most of the time, but if you choose to do something completely different, there is nothing she could do to compel you, is there?”

“Temeri would be really upset if I refused to follow her plans, though,” I pointed out.

“That’s—” Tammeron said, then stopped herself. “Right. You know best what’s most important to you, I suppose. But I would still prefer to have you in the conversation, so that we’re all in agreement. I wouldn’t want to shake on anything with Captain Carlon and find that it would upset you so much that you can’t bring yourself to go through with it.”

“That’s very considerate of you. Thank you.”

“Sure. So, I’ll talk to Captain Carlon once she’s had time to wake up and have breakfast and everything. And I’ll get in touch with you once we’re ready to talk. Alright?”

“I’m not going anywhere!” I told her as cheerfully as I could manage. I felt strangely tired, which wasn’t really a thing I became, but it was so good to be able to joke about something!

An hour later I heard from Varlanda. Harvin and Bekeri were talking excitedly in the background, but the first thing I heard clearly was, “Star? We’re on our way back!”

I rushed to reply. “Really? You’re really coming back to me? You’re not just making some kind of weird joke to cheer me up?!”

“She wonders if I’m joking!” Varlanda said, laughing.

“She’s not joking!” Temeri said, and she sounded almost smugly satisfied. “We’re walking back right now, with those little porter golems carrying our stuff. Tammeron wants to talk.”

“Yes!” I said. I was beside myself with excitement! “I mean, yes, I know! I told her she should talk to you!”

“She says she told Captain Tammeron to talk to you,” Varlanda relayed.

“Yeah? Well, I told her I’d only begin considering any kind of cooperation if I could speak to her from the bridge of my ship. She thought that sounded reasonable. We’re coming home, Star!”

‘Home’. She’d called me ‘home’. For the somethingth time, I wished I could cry.

There was a cheer from everyone there. Then Varlanda added, “Except… Star, I don’t want you to be surprised. Sim isn’t with us.”

“What?! Why isn’t Simeon coming?” I asked.

“His own decision. We talked to him. Tammeron offered to send him down, but he says he can’t leave his patients. No surprise, really. He’ll be joining us from Tammeron’s end.”

“Oh. Um, yeah, that sounds like him,” I agreed. I wasn’t happy about it, but when they put it like that I couldn’t say I was surprised. He was a Healer before he was anything else, and there were people on the station who needed healing.

It took a little over another hour before a door in the landing bay wall opened, and four of my five favorite people in the universe came into sight, followed by a small troupe of golems. “I see you!” I told Varlanda. Oh, stars, I could see them again! They were right there, barely any distance away at all and getting closer with every moment! I flashed all of my external lights as brightly as I could so they’d see me. I extruded a sign on top of my hull, as quickly as I could, spelling out ‘Welcome Back!’ I wished I had my main drive running so I could bounce in place! I—

“We see you!” Varlanda laughed, and she was close enough that I heard her both over the link and, a fraction of a second later, with my external pressure sensors. She was so close I could hear her! I could read her lips, though it was hard with how much she was smiling.

And then they were there, right outside, and the moment I’d extruded a ladder for them they were rushing to be the first to climb back aboard. They let Temeri win.

Temeri’s hand touched the first rung, and she was there again, filling the small hole she’d torn in my soul when she left, and it felt so right. “Welcome home,” I told her, speaking directly to her, into her mind, for the first time in almost two weeks. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“We missed you, too, Star,” she said, grinning as she climbed. When she crested the top of the ladder and stepped back onto the cargo bay floor, she looked like a queen surveying her domain. “Gods beyond, it’s good to be back.”

Behind her the others grabbed the ladder. One by one I could feel them again. One by one I welcomed them back. When Harvin climbed on, I was almost complete.

I just needed Simeon back, and all would be right in the world.