RE: Trailer Trash, 65 pt 5 (Patreon)

    When the final bell resounded throughout the art room, Tabitha slung her bookbag over one shoulder and waved her goodbyes to her friends. She hoped she would see at least some of them show up at her impromptu party, but realistically speaking she didn’t have much in the way of expectations. There wasn’t much of a reason or purpose to host an actual get together—structured events celebrating the removal of a cast weren’t really a thing.

    Tabitha just wanted to throw a party.

    My big birthday thing really opened my eyes, I guess, Tabitha mused. I’d never really had a big thing like that. Now, I want more. I want to have stuff like that going on all the time.

    The Tabitha of her past life would have been terrified or at the very least extremely anxious facing that kind of overt extrovert behavior. But, Tabitha now had the itch. She wanted to socialize. She wanted to have fun with her friends, she wanted to meet up with everyone outside of school. It was like she’d gotten a taste of life finally, and now it had instilled a craving for more deep within her. It was a dangerous, intoxicating feeling, this sudden desire to burn so brightly that she held everyone’s attention, captivated them, engaged them, drew them in.

    The proverbial fly in the ointment being that her fledgling attempts at becoming outgoing had immediately made her a target for the in-crowd of popular girls who aggressively defended the status quo of social standing. Nobodies like Tubby Tabby weren’t supposed to turn around and suddenly have some sort of meteoric rise through the ranks—at least not without a healthy amount of pushback and pressure.

    Changing her appearance, losing all the weight, putting thought into what she wore every day, arranging her hair just right, putting in the work to take care of her skin and apply just the right subtle amount of makeup, that had been easy. Well, not easy. In fact, at the time it felt like attempting to squeeze blood from a stone. Changing her mindset, though? Overcoming her immediate anxieties, daring to step out of her comfort zone, meeting new people and making friends, making enemies, being confrontational with the popular girls? That was less squeezing blood from a stone, and more like squeezing a stone into a diamond. Not just difficult, comically difficult, virtually impossible.

    I’m slowly learning, Tabitha thought with a wince as she walked down the hallway. Slowly but surely.

    She already knew not to fall into the opponent’s rhythm and let them speak when there was any chance to interrupt. There was a sort of dry wit she could bring to bear in countering arguments or building up assertions, but it wasn’t completely reliable—sometimes it was right there when she needed it, sometimes the right words were nowhere to be found. As her mind turned towards an inevitable review of how things had gone, she thought that what she probably needed to work on more was insults. In fact, after the initial stabs, it seemed like most everything directed their way was just insults. Abuse ad hominem seemed to become the bulk of what got thrown around between teenage girls in a squabble, and that was one of those areas where Tabitha felt woefully underdeveloped.

    There should be great roasts or disses I remember from the future I can take advantage of, Tabitha pondered. Right?

    None came to mind right away.

    It felt like she should have a natural advantage in this particular arena, because so much of the slander she heard the cheerleaders use felt so obviously dated. The catch-phrases and lingo and comebacks they used were all so nineties-specific that they stood out to Tabitha, yet at the same time they didn’t exactly prompt recollection of more modern insults. Nothing was coming to mind. When Tabitha turned her attention to the subject of roasts, disses, and vicious mockery, she drew a near-total blank.

    I guess calling some ‘mid’ was kind of a thing for a while? Tabitha thought with a sheepish smile. That’s… not exactly overwhelming anyone. It’s like saying they’re just kind of meh, middling, rather than illustrating how extremely terrible or lame they are. It feels like it’s only halfway to being an insult, very half-hearted slander. I wonder how it caught on so well in the future? Maybe that was part of the appeal? Somehow? Like saying that someone sucks so much that you can’t even be bothered to define why or even care. Judgemental while also being indifferent.

    Maybe that was a good angle to lean into—Tabitha could adopt the mentality that anything and everything they threw at her bored her, that their words were unimpressive, that she couldn’t even be bothered to put in effort putting them down in return.

    Bothered! Tabitha’s eyes lit up. That was definitely a thing! In comments at least, I dunno if it was ever got as much traction in real life trash-talk. Insisting that they’re BOTHERED. ‘Why are you SO MAD? Calm down, wow. LOOK AT HOW MAD SHE IS. So basically, I play up the act of being amused at how RUSTLED THEIR JIMMIES ARE, whether or not they actually even seem phased. While I assert myself as the indifferent, cool and composed one. Because, any response to that or attempt on their part to deny BEING SO BOTHERED makes them look like they’re being defensive. Like they actually are bothered. Puts them on the back foot.

    Some part of her died inside at realizing she was drawing from her memories of internet discourse, while another small part of her roused with vindictive glee. Perhaps the next time she got into it with Desiree and Faith, Tabitha could simply channel recollection of the most vile and inane comment threads that came to mind. It was in all honesty a lot more similar to the puerile nineties insults that all seemed to incorporate references to poop or dicks somehow.

    Although… yeah I can capture that right FEELING, but moreso than that what I need are the specific WORDS to use. Phrasings. Which for now remain elusive. Maybe once some come to mind, I’ll write them down? So far I have ‘bothered,’ and I have ‘mid.’ Which is honestly… pretty mid. Hah. I need some better material.

    Tabitha found herself flowing along with the crowd as it poured in a noisy throng through the school towards the bus loop. She felt wary but not particularly attentive. Her mind was wandering and her gaze passed from the backpacks of those walking in front of her to the teenager’s hair from one person to another in a bit of a trance. Several months ago here at the bus loop she’d been pushed and broken her wrist—now she was finally back to this point with her hand healed.

    Rather than things coming full circle or feeling conclusive it felt like she’d resolved a little personal recursive loop in her own story. A little strange snarl amidst the tangled strings of fate, a miniature loop within the larger loop that was her coming back in time. So much had happened since that October day back then.

    She’d withdrawn from school. Then there was that Halloween party and the attack there, which seemed to finally lay bare how real the situation with bullies and psychopaths was to everyone around her. The hospital time and that agonizing pace of recovery, Aunt Lisa sensing blood in the water and circling in. That unhealed rift in her family coming to a head when she finally butted heads with her father.

    Thanksgiving, Christmas. Moving in to stay with the Macintires being so transformative—growing a little Hannah-shaped shadow that I fell in love with. Going to the mall with my friends, and how it made me realize that in the right light of circumstance, being the more outgoing ‘extrovert’ Tabitha is actually like CRACK COCAINE All of us teasing Bobby through the McDonald’s drive-thru window that one night. The whole birthday thing at the theater, the skating rink. Returning to high school here but with the right MINDSET, finally.

    In her attempt back at the start of the school year, Tabitha had been a butterfly who still had the mind of a caterpillar. Her wings had been present and they were indeed beautiful, but she could not fly—she did not dare to. Like a frightened little caterpillar she clung stubbornly to her twig, while wondering why everything wasn’t magically working out. Confused and annoyed at how she wasn’t somehow suddenly dancing through the air like she was supposed to be.

    So, in this metaphor was letting go of the twig finally—letting go of my family? Tabitha mused to herself. It doesn’t quite feel like that. Although that was maybe part of the whole process? Leaving home, leaving the comfort of the familiar. Back before, part of what made it so hard for me to change and start really moving forward was that stubborn cautious need to always have one foot planted firmly on the ground.

    Although her thoughts drifted she did pay more attention to everyone around her, especially walking up the length of the bus loop in search of the bus with the J-13 placard in the front window. No pushers accosted her, no sneering cheerleaders materialized to corner and berate her, and Tabitha was able to clomp her way up the big steps of her bus without triggering any random battles with combative Poketrainers. She gave a polite smile to the driver, then worked her way down the aisle towards her usual spot.

    Pokemon! I’ve had my Gameboy and link cable in my bag for what seems like days now, and I never remember to bring it out and challenge someone. There’s always everything else popping up and getting in the way, Tabitha thought as she sunk into her seat. Yeah, now that I’m a Butterfree instead of a Caterpie or Metapod, it’s like everyone wants a piece of me. I need to learn more moves now that I’m fighting with people all the time. Could Butterfree learn Taunt? I forget what gen that was, but I think Taunt was for sure a TM. Butterfree could probably learn it. Ooh, but which of my four moves would I have to sacrifice to learn Taunt in its place?!

    The pleasant buzz of inconsequential, sometimes incoherent thoughts hummed along as Tabitha observed other kids boarding the bus and hustling down the row with their jackets and backpacks to find a spot to sit.

    But then, a strange giant rose—and rose—and rose from the schoolbus stairwell. He was a teenager but a towering one, his poofy nineties heartthrob-cut hair brushing the metal ceiling of the bus. It was probably a trick of her imagination, but in the moment it even seemed like he was stooping a bit, to avoid banging his head. His absurd height didn’t seem to be because he was an adult or even one of the high school juniors or seniors—her shocked, wide-eyed study of his features seemed to tell her that despite his somewhat absurd stature, he was also a younger teen. One of Tabitha’s peers—if a gangly, super fucking tall one.

    Gary followed the giant up the bus, and then Jacob, and then Bobby, and although Tabitha now found herself flustered she realized that the super tall kid must be the infamous ‘Lurch.’ Bobby’s unexpected presence on its own had all of Tabitha’s thoughts rabbiting away in every direction, especially because Gary gestured her way with his basketball and the group of four boys zeroed in on her with their full attention.

    “Tabitha!”

    “Yo, Tah-BEE!”

    “Hey hey hey!”

    “Uh-mhh?” Tabitha enunciated her response with the calm composure and cool eloquence of  someone who’d just been passed a live grenade. “Hiiii?”

    “Tabs Tabs Tabs,” Gary jostled Lurch over into Gary’s usual seat across from Tabitha, and then followed him in, sitting but turning the whole way to face her. “So, what’s all this about a part-ay?”

    Lurch regarded them with an embarrassed smile, his view of everyone in no way obstructed by being forced into a seat and then blocked in by Gary. He seemed amicable enough and also used to Gary being so familiar with him—which was honestly unsurprising. Lurch wasn’t just tall, he was tall, he seemed like a real life gag character.

Like someone the small-time crook in Kung Fu Hustle would point out from the crowd to pick a fight with, only for the scene to reveal said someone had actually been seated the whole time and rise up to reveal he was actually a giant. Of course Gary, the basketball guy of Springton High, would be possessive of Lurch. Lurch already seemed like a shoe-in for any NBA draft.

    “I’m ah, I’m celebrating!” Tabitha amped up her cheery smile, and she brought up her freshly uncasked hand to show them. “Got my cast off. Finally. So I uh, yeah, thought it’d be cool to have a thing. A big thing. With lots of everybody around, uh, you know?”

    “Cool cool, hell yeah,” Gary nodded. “This is Brett—you can call him Lurch. He’s way too damn white for us to call him High Tower, you know?”

    That felt like some sort of intentional nineties reference of some sort, but whatever it was it went right over her head. Probably something to do with a sports guy? The nickname tickled her brain for a moment, but she wasn’t able to successfully connect it to anything.

    “Hey,” Brett gave her an awkward wave. “Uhh—some girls came and invited me to your thing? Somehow? Your party thing. If that’s cool.”

    The wave of his hand was even distracting, because compared to the more normal teens around him Brett seemed to have an enormous wingspan and incredible reach. Tabitha didn’t think she was attracted to him per se—actually it was the presence of Bobby dropping into the seat behind Gary and Brett made her mind feel like a jar of butterflies that had been given a violent shake—but Brett was definitely a little fascinating to look at.

    “Oh! Uh yeah,” Tabitha said, giving them a wince and then a grin. “One of my friends has a total crush on you! So, yeah. Great if you can be there! It’s uh—it’s tomorrow.”

    It felt really weird and mortifying to point that out, but she felt that she needed to clarify that, just in case they were all riding on the bus here today expecting her party to also be today.

    “Yeah, they’re crashing at my place tonight, then we’ll be there tomorrow,” Gary assured her. “I mean—hey, I’m invited too, right?”

    “Of course!” Tabitha agreed. “Definitely. Yeah. I was gonna ask you soon as I saw you! Just, I uh, I wasn’t on the bus this morning. Was getting my cast off, then we had to go to the hospital too and get my head checked, um, X-rays, make sure it was all healed up enough there so that I could be clear for physical stuff again.”

    “Everything good?” Bobby asked. “You’re all cleared?”

    “All cleared!” Tabitha turned her megawatt smile his way, and his face immediately began to color. “So—yeah, I’ll be able to run with everyone in Personal Fitness finally. I’m excited! It just ah, it sucks that it’s Friday already. Was looking forward to it and, yeah.”

    “Who has a crush on Lurch?” Jacob asked.

    “Oh, uhhhh—” Tabitha trailed off into a nervous giggle. “Guess I probably shouldn’t say?”

    “What, is it you?” Gary put her on the spot.

    “No, oh—no,” Tabitha waved her arms in front of her. “No, sorry. I don’t think I’d ever even seen Brett before, and, yeah. I would have definitely remembered him! How tall are you?”

    “Almost six eight!” Brett answered with a wry smile. “Almost. I’m gettin’ there!”

    “Just… wow,” Tabitha said.

    She didn’t have any other words besides that.

    “Well damn, she’s crushing on him now,” Gary snorted. “I’m tellin’ you Lurch, once we get you—”

    “Oh no, sorry, sorry,” Tabitha interrupted in a panic. “I mean uh, no offense? You seem cool, Brett. I’m actually kind of already crushing on Bobby, though? Yeaaah.”

    “Hoooooo~!”

     “Wheeewwww~!”

    “God damn—!”

    The teenage boys all erupted into jeers in unison at that, while Bobby’s smile was frozen in place and for once it seemed like he had no idea what to even say. The admission hadn’t exactly been easy for Tabitha either, but it was also somehow quite liberating. Those sudden unbidden feelings for Bobby seemed to gather in her chest as a form of pressure, and admitting that she liked him—with all these people here, no less—was an incredible form of release.

She could already talk back to Brittany Taylor, so confessing that she had a bit of a crush on someone suddenly didn’t feel like it was such an insurmountable ordeal. It was part of riding that same edge of youthful insanity that she felt whenever she intentionally turned up the power of her smile on Bobby, just so she could elicit that super satisfying stunned reaction from him.

    “I uh, yeah,” Tabitha babbled out. “I couldn’t even go over today at lunch and invite him to the party myself! It was too scary.”

    “Too scary?!” Jacob heckled in disbelief. “Shit, yeah right.”

    “Well,” Tabitha put on a meaningful look. “There were all those other girls there! Girls are unbelievably scary! Jake, you’ll find that out the hard way, one of these days.”

    That only had them all bursting into laughter all over again, slapping at the leathery vinyl of the seat benches, jostling their shoulders into each other and altogether overreacting. Tabitha thought it might be a funny thing to say, but it wasn’t that funny, and she wore a sheepish expression as the other kids boarding had to try to squeeze past the big commotion they were making to find seats in the back.

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/// Tabitha is a terror.