[Public post] Slowly stepping down from YouTube (Patreon)

Sadly, you saw that right, I've decided to step down from YouTube.

-The beginning

I've been making videos on YouTube for more than 12 years and my journey started spontaneously.

In 2012 I decided to buy a PlayStation 2 to play games on it. As far as I remember it was a very dumb decision and I regretted the purchase. At some point, perhaps out of boredom, I decided to play GTA 3 on this console. When I got in-game I immediately noticed a different HUD color and that got me super excited. I started to dig through the Internet to see if there are more changes between PC and PS2 versions of the game. I am not joking, I remember it like it was yesterday; there was no list, just some random facts scattered here and there on various forums. But those facts were very very interesting to me.

Back then I decided why not make my own list and maybe present it in a video? An idea became a passion, so I started to learn Sony Vegas. After a while I was already making a video. I really enjoyed finding these differences and it kept me going. This is how the first video on my channel was born and a channel as a whole.

What about cut content videos? Well, I was always very interested in this topic, so occasionally I was luring through various threads around the Internet. One day I noticed that someone mentioned that GTA VC had tons of cut weapons in the day-one PS2 of the game, but the thing was, no one showed these weapons. So I decided to make a video about these weapons. I remember like it was yesterday, I was attending driving lessons, dreaming that when I get home, I would continue working on this video. Good memories.

Long story short. I wanted to present something to someone and it became a hobby I was enjoying for years. This is why I put my soul in my videos. This is why you didn’t see any integrated ads. I treated my videos like my own child with care. Maybe it sounds stupid, but this is my legacy and I didn't not want to spit on it.

-Five years ago

The first time when I was considering quitting YouTube was more than 5 years ago. I am not joking, I still have this post collecting dust in my drafts here on Patreon, last edited in November 2019. 

Back then I knew that I won’t do videos on YouTube forever and there is no future for me on this platform. I mean, I wanted to do something else with my life rather than spend time preparing topics about 15-20 years old games. I graduated from an university and found a full time job. I had way less spare time I could invest in YouTube, so I decided maybe it was the right time to do less videos and do something more serious.

The problem was, I never had the strength to finish that post. As stupid as it sounds, I did not want to upset people and I was still considering if I really wanted to quit. I still enjoyed it, but at the same time I knew that I grew up.

Back then I was also working on the video “GTA SA - Why Remaster is Garbage? [Part 1]”, so I had an idea to announce this video in that post to minimize the possible disappointment, but I released the video first, so it kept sitting in the drafts.

-Why I changed my mind

And you know what? That video talking about hardworking professionals became a banger. It is still the most watched video on my channel. Back then I had never seen so many views and hype around my channel and my video. It made me happy and gave me a huge mental boost, so I decided to stick for a bit more on YouTube as if nothing happened. This is why I stopped promoting Patreon posts on Twitter. This is why I never set up memberships on YouTube. I did not see a point if I was going to quit.

In the meantime my channel grew. I released more bangers. I invested almost all my free time in the channel, but still thought that there is no future for me on this platform, but the growth kept me going. But then I noticed that the growth slowed down. That was one of the darkest periods in my life. I worked hard to make more videos to boost it. I remember like it was yesterday; I slept around 5-6 hours a day. I had almost zero free time I could invest in relaxing. I saw my friends less and less. I didn’t want to see the growth going down.

All of that led to a burnout and migraines. I was hospitalized after the first migraine. It was chilling when doctors couldn't say what is wrong with me, because I never had migraines before. Then I decided to work less, because hospitalization made me reconsider things.

Then there was a downfall of my channel. I mean, I was releasing videos people didn’t watch or were japping about the topics. Always told me that I should better do that, or do this. Some were always saying that they are not watching that and etc. First I didn't care much, because I did what I enjoyed, but the views plummeted. It destroyed my passion, which led to a depression. I tried to save the channel by migrating the Russian community to another channel.

If you didn’t know, I released videos in two languages. YouTube didn’t know how to properly promote my channel after a sudden change of their algorithms or something. That was one of the reasons why the views plummeted. My partnership always warned me about that and always insisted migrating the community. I didn't do that, because, well, I always had a thought of quieting YouTube one day. I know, it is a never ending loop. But I finally did it in 2023.

The migration kinda saved my channel, but I won’t gonna lie, it didn’t make me feel better, the depression never went away. The channel didn’t grow as I expected. I was making videos simply because I didn’t know what to do during my free time. I was doing it for years and it became a part of my everyday life. I just adapted to this kind of life. It was too hard to switch. I just didn’t know what to do besides working. I was stuck in a loop.

-Where I am now

Since the beginning of my journey I valued YouTube more than my personal life and I deeply regret it. I wasn't a punching bag. I wasn't an outcast. I had friends. I just had different priorities. I do not like these priorities today, because they feel like dust. I have a weird feeling that I gave away my youth. If you are like me, please, reconsider things before it is too late.

Sure, it was very cool to see all you folks enjoying my content, but it was my personal sacrifice; to work after work and very rarely see my friends. At some point it became mentally hard to do videos anymore, because I was seeing it as a dead end, but still was working on new videos. Like I said, never ending loop.

Remember when I was japping about how hard it is to decide a new topic to work on? Some people recommended me taking a small break to reload. I always knew that it wouldn't work, because it wasn’t the root of the problem. I was simply in a very bad mood because of emotional struggles. If I quit, then what I would do. Never ending loop. That kind of stuff. Then I decided to stop writing about that, because, well, who cared I thought.

The video about the planes was literally killing me. I was working on it for God knows how long. God knows how much time I invested in it. My soul screamed what I was doing with my life. If you saw this video, then you probably think that I am a madman. Maybe I am. While I was working on it, I understand that it won't be a banger, because it is too freakin nerdy. People would rather watch something funny. I tied to put memes in it, just for fun and to cheer myself up. Today I released the video. I am very grateful to Fire_Head for making me those debug tools and helping me investigating this feature. This is our magnum opus and some sort of farewell from my end. I hope, you liked it.

I think it is time for me to stop. It has to stop. I can't do that forever. I have to build my personal life, not life supporting a freaking dying channel. I have to break the loop, Perhaps, after all these years I finally realized that.

In the recent months I became less active everywhere. Right now I have different priorities and I like them more. This is the real reason why I didn’t care so much about the recent leaks. I did not even look through them much, tbh.

-Future plans

Maybe… maybe I will still work on small projects just for the sake of the good old times, but definitely not on huge projects anymore. For instance, there are some small abandoned projects I always wanted to finish. Why not?

I will definitely won't do monthly updates on Patreon anymore. Instead, I will make posts when I have something on my mind. If you want to continue supporting me on Patreon, then you are free to do that. Up to you.

-Huge thanks

I want to say huge that to people, who helped to craft my videos over the years. I remember you all. I am grateful to you.

I want to say huge thanks to you, my dear viewer too. I tried my best to make my videos great.

If I let you down, then I am deeply sorry.

Best regards, Vadim M.