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She has no time (doodle) (Patreon)

Published:
2025-03-16 07:26:08
Edited:
2025-03-16 09:19:29
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

A quick reminder: I received some notifications about new DMs, but I’ll be only able to reply properly and send archives after 20th :< Sowwy

The doodle:

How often did your friendship begin to wither away because your friend found their love?

I understand that this is the norm of life and that it should be so: the partner comes first while friends take a back seat. Yet despite the abundance of romantic art, I myself am more of a loner. For me, love is a celebration, not a routine. In addition, I enjoy living alone, engaging in creativity, seeing friends, and exploring the world. I respect my friend's choice to unite with her significant other, but at the same time I feel disappointment and sadness because I thought she was just like me.

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Comments

Zaiaku Kerohiko

Ive had... two friendships that has lasted over 10 years. And both of those had a time where they drifted apart because of the relationship they were in. It eventually came back around and we are still friends. I'm much like you. A loner. I enjoy my time alone to do what i please. Doesnt help that it takes a VERY long time for me to trust anyone XD.

Iskra
>>167926146

Thanks for sharing this! How long did it take them to come back though? :o It’s been over a year of them dating already and it’s only getting worse (for me) xD and have a loner highfive 🖐️

Zaiaku Kerohiko
>>167926146

Woo loner highfive! 🖐️ How long... One was only about a year but the other was closer to five years. It really depends on the person. Sometimes all you can do is wait from them to come around while being supportive.

SeamusX

Recently (a year ago) had a friend move on with their significant other, while other's are still around, drifting away. Single life is trying, but so is joining life with someone. I've experienced both, & I'll be single a long time, and I've come to terms with it.

NoNameCZ

Well... I would say, it depends on which kind of relationship it is. We used to have friend, who found a girlfriend. To be honest we didn't like her that much, but he was our friend and it would be very rude to say it like that. He was happy with her and she wasn't treating him bad, but we were seeing him less and less. We are not in contact today. But our other friend found girl and the girl herself insisted, that he won't neglect us. We were on some events together, we were going for trips or just chilling in the backyard with him and her. Of course sometimes he said, he wants some alone time with her. Also this friend of ours is older than us. Twelve years difference. They even have small kid now. Yes we spend less time together, because family comes first, but he still is in contact with us. We still visit him at home and sometimes he comes with us for trips. So I would say it really depends on the relationship an if friends still really want to hangout. I personally can't imagine, that if I found a girlfriend (that's big If), I would not spend time with my friends. They are important for me and the girl really cannot tell me I can't go somewhere. Of course I know, that some people might be really lovey dovey and they just really want to spend a lot of time with their partner. In this case it kinda sucks.

Shalim'a Wolf

Honestly, it kinda really depends on the life situation of the people involved as well as what they seek from their relationships and friendships...as well as what may be going on that you're not aware of. I'm aware this is hardly unique, but the most interesting part to me is how I have experience from two very different points of view of myself....and, it's interesting to me, anyway. For a long time, like you, I considered myself to be a loner and had the touch of the ol' co-dependent streak. It also didn't really help that somewhere between autism and ADHD, it can be very difficult for me to go to places where I have not been invited to. Not like, "everyone's free to show up" kind of invited, but the explicit, "Hey Shali, there's X going on at Y time, do you want to join?". And since relationships tend to be a bit of a sine wave in terms of attention requirement, it would often be a situation where if I got into a streak of missing out events with friends, it'd be really difficult to *break* that streak. So, if I got into a relationship and there have been strenuous demands on my attention...say, during the honeymoon period of a relationship or hit a busy streak at work...I'd have to pick and choose where to allocate my time and limited social battery. But once I had to cut back on allocation on social time, it'd be very difficult to restart interactions that had to be minimized. The reason I'm yammering on about all of this is that my outlook had undergone a pretty major change after I came to recognize that I'm transgender and I started transitioning to a woman...as of current writing almost eight months ago. And, with everything that entails, it has led me to re-evaluate a lot of what I thought could be taken as a given about not just myself, but everyone I regularly interacted with. Because once you're in a situation that requires major changes to how you see yourself as well as how others see you, you learn very quickly to be extremely mindful of what kind of conditions and expectations the support and friendship can come with. Now, quick TL;DR in case you're not familiar. Medical transition involves meds and hormone replacement and blood tests. That's the physical changes. Social transition is telling people about the changes, how you present yourself (e.g. Clothes, makeup, etc.), and how you would like others to interact with you (e.g. Name, pronouns, touch etiquette, etc.). While I've had a little practice by starting socially coming out in online communities a few months ago, I've started doing so in my in-person life within the last month. And, while I've not had people outright leave or faced condemnation...yet. I've had to be extremely picky as to who gets to find out when...or if at all. And what the warning signs may be of being of the need to be cautious. Like, don't get me wrong. In some ways, it has been incredible. It's so strange to like...feel emotions after three decades of life feeling like a series of days, one after the other, just flying by. And is has been amazing to put words and meaning to decisions you made that on closer inspection made no sense. I can give some examples if you wish, but this has gone quite long already. Unfortunately, It has also not been without risks. Now, there are a couple of bits of etiquette that are important if you have transgender friends, be they trans femme or trans masc. If you have been asked to refer to them in a certain way, that is a form of trust. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fuck up, but do your best to honor their trust. An easy way to show good will is if they get referred to incorrectly by others, correct those others (e.g. "She prefers ma'am, thanks", "Her name is Shali, thanks.", etc.). But, there may be situations where they may not be ready or it may be genuinely dangerous to be out. If they ask you (e.g. "Around these family members, I have to go by my legal name."), it's important that you don't out them. It's important to always keep in mind that not everyone is what they seem on the surface. I've had people I've reached out to turn out to be incredibly supportive not just in ways I asked for, but also that got me in touch with resources I didn't even know I needed...and I've had people like my boss tell me to my face that he'll know not to use slurs around certain people because he'll recognize "a transgender, an autistic, or whatever". And I have friends who have friends that are no longer around because of eventual bad reaction to someone being THAT upset at the idea of their long-term friend or family member asking something as basic as to not be called a certain name anymore. The reason for all of this preamble is quite simple. It may suck to have someone drift away because of something like a relationship...do be mindful that maybe they're just a shitty person or it may be more than "just" a relationship affecting their lives. It may be a disability, a mental illness, depression, loss, or changes in their lives that you don't see on the surface...or, they may be affected by and not realize it. Obviously, you do have to be mindful of how you spend *your* resources, but if you notice that it's been some time, if you truly consider them a friend, reach out to them occasionally. See how they're doing, reassure them that you're there for them, invite them to things. It may help save a life. And if they seem to be doing something that seems off-color, ask them about that. Maybe they're terrible. Or maybe, they may not even realize they're doing those things or recognize the way it's being interpreted. Do you KNOW how thankful I was to be informed that what I thought was a fun expression I picked up from a friend a decade prior is a dogwhistle?! And to bring it back around to the original topic, being in a healthy relationship helps. My partner and I have been trying to occasionally encourage each other to reach out to others as well as going out of the way to make sure if something seems wrong, to ask and inform. They may not come around right away, but they may in a week, in a month, in three or six months. To bring this back around to the original topic, recognizing that I'm in a bad relationship and getting into a healthier one helps a lot with the problem. Obviously, you won't change their mind by telling them that something is wrong, but asking them about what you see, expressing concern, and asking them what their take is can go a really long way. And, being in a much healthier relationship, my partner and I have been trying to occasionally encourage each other to reach out to friends or about activities that seem to have been getting neglected. And, to bring up concern if something seems odd, wrong, or what have you about not just each other, but also others. It's amazing how much a question like, "Hey, X person doesn't particularly seem to like Y person...how come?" can go...even if it doesn't yield immediate answers or results.

Shalim'a Wolf
>>167935982

Also, I'm sorry for the big wall of text...especially if it's over-explaining certain things. I had no idea how much context might be necessary and I ended up cutting an entire section about autism and attention deficit just to revise for length. But if you'd like clarification or have questions, I'll do my best to answer. Admittedly, there's quite a lot that I'm still working on figuring out.

Israel Perez

Oh, i know that feeling... Im the only one of my group of friends who has no wife or kids... Nowadays its almost impossible to go and hang out with any of them. I have to ask them like, one month before and even so they might cancel at the last minute! Adult life sucks! :P Anyway, I enjoy watching every one of these doodles. Veta looks adorable here!

Shalim'a Wolf
>>167945121

That's kind of a really good point. So many places around the planet just ask so much of us that it's extremely difficult to plan anything. Most folks I know are steering well clear of kids because if you're getting burned out just to pay rent, how good of a parent can you possibly be?

Iskra
>>167945121

Most of my buddies don’t even have kids but they are still so busy >< sigh. That’s life

Iskra
>>167935982

Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and life experience in such a detailed way, there’s a lot of things to learn and consider. You’re a brave person going your own way, I know that must be a difficult way and I hope that things work out the best for you! Thank you for your support too!

Iskra
>>167928464

Yes, it must really depend on a person! Both the friend and their partner. I’ve always felt that significant other of my friend doesn’t really like me or other mutual friends because he becomes dull and silent once we meet together. While other friends are fine to hangout with their friends and their partners altogether

Iskra
>>167927999

“Single life is trying, but so is joining life with someone” is so true. Thank you for sharing this