Performance Review (Patreon)

So we need to talk about your, frankly pathetic, numbers for the last quarter. At this point we are almost losing money on you as it costs more to keep you on board then you’re making for the company. Save your excuses, I know you said you were having a rough time with your girlfriend dumping you, but I don’t really care about any of that. When you’re in this office, your head needs to be here and getting work done. Yes, yes, I’ve heard all the ‘I’ll do better’ speeches, but let’s be honest, this is the second quarter in a row where you’re numbers are down. So at this point we need to take remedial action. Now the contract you signed with us is pretty... detailed. So ultimately, you agreed to this when we hired you. So I’m going to transform you into a pair of thigh-high boots for me to wear. Don’t even start complaining, if you didn’t read the contract, that’s not on me! Every single employee of this company signed the same thing. Well, not ME or the other managers, of course, but everyone at your level signed it. You can’t run, I can trigger the transformation from here.... There. How do you feel? Yes, I can hear your thoughts. Calm down, just because I CAN hear you doesn’t mean I want to listen to your constant whining. It’s been a while since I had a good pair of boots like this, let’s see how you fit... Oh wow, you are perfect! You fit like a glove! Yes I know it hurts, well I don’t know firsthand, but I’ve been told it hurts. Well it wouldn’t be a punishment if it didn’t hurt, now would it? Oh get over it. Don’t worry, I’ll turn you back next quarter... if you improve that is. We’ll meet again then to see if your performance improved and if not, you’ll spend another quarter as my boots! What was that? How will you improve performance if you’re my boots? Well that’s for you to figure out, isn’t it? Well you better find a way! I like you as boots, so it doesn’t matter to me if you turn back!