Lyrics

What kind of slick trickSlips inside my headI feel my hands twitchLookin' back on all that shit I read

Cuz you know what you said

Replaying every phrase, likeMaybe missed my cueI swear I try to do it right butSwear I always lose

And I try so hard I trip myself likeMaybe that’s my roleAnd I stayed up hearing all your stories while mineStay behind the door

I gave you space and all my timeAnd I, I bit my tongueBut when I need a moment, turn around, and you’re already gone, I–

Held you–When you were shakingDragged you–When you were deadBut the moment I was breaking, told me“Girl get out your head”

I took you at your cursed and at your worst and carried all you couldn’t standThen you asked me to mask myself but did you hold my fuckin' handNah, you told me,"Hide your face and stay your tongue," likeFuck me, guess I'm nothin, is this all I can become, and–

You tell me–That’s all you wantedSmile–You pretty puppetKiss me–Say that you'll always need me

Even when my chest was caving inEven when loving you means I'll never win

I learned to make myself smallerLearned when silence was saferLearned that needing anything wasA dollar—a taller—order and would makeMe a fuckin’ failure

You said I talk too much about itSaid it drags the mood down, hardSo I buried every screaming thoughtAnd let it rot where time forgot

I wanna ask my friends for helpBut I don’t know the startI’m scared that if I say it loudThey’ll leave me to fall-a-fuckin' 'part

I took you on your worst days, loved youHarder than I loved myself andWhen it was my turn to fall apart, IFell with no one else

Be happy–That’s all you wantedEven when I begged for breathI guess my pain was inconvenientSomething better left unsaid

When does it endWhen will I stopWhen I breathe my last breath and am thenConsumed by rot

I don’t want hope or fixingI want an end to all my pain

Not suicideBut every timeI try, it'sDéjà vu, again

I want to blow up oh so badlyBut I can't so what the fuckIf I open up and let them in they take meFor all I got

So tell me if I stand up, am I brave or am I dumbAm I too scared to say that this is all I can becomeI want to blow up oh so badly, am I brave or am I numbAm I too scared to say that this is all I can become

Maybe I’m not built for it, maybe I'm not toughOr maybe loving people is theWay I self-destruct

_For my notes:How I Self Destruct, Draft 3 M_01.wav