TBoB - Book 8 - Chapter 20 - Jokes (Patreon)

It wasn’t until I crossed the manufacturing room floor, and into the section of the room the Beavers were using as a workshop, that I realized how busy the area actually was.

I was used to seeing the beavers waddling about, steadily moving from one project to another, but now the vast majority of them seemed to be gathered around the numerous workbenches dotted around the area. 

“If you want the beavers to tone down their experiments, and restrain themselves a little, you should probably talk to Earl,” Heavy said as he walked up next to me.

“Uhhhh… Earl?” I asked, turning towards the big bear. “Who the fuck is Earl?”“He’s one of the first beavers you purchased, and he’s the head of the union,” Dusty explained. 

I blinked in confusion. “They have a union?!?”

“Well, yes and no. The union is what the beavers call their subnetwork where they coordinate job assignments, and review the myriad of changes that you request to both the Stratocarrier and your blueprints,” Dusty explained. “It’s a busy place, even compared to the rest of the network, so I tend to avoid it unless I have business with them.”“Really? You avoid it? You just got finished giving me an earful about not checking my messages…” I said.

“Yeah, but the difference is I’m still willing to drop in whenever I have business with the beavers, where you just completely forget the network exists,” Dusty replied.

“That’s not true; I remember it exists, I just don’t acknowledge it that often,” I muttered.

“Same difference,” Dusty snorted. “Anyways… Earl should be in the back, near the break area,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the area.

“Since when did this place have a break area? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the original layout,” I said. 

“I don’t think anything in the beaver’s area was part of the original layout,” Heavy replied. “They just moved their tools in, then slowly arranged everything to best fit their needs. We just left them alone, because they’re the third most independent group in the network, and we assumed they knew best.”

“Wait… third most independent?”“Yeah, well, there’s the squad, then the frogs. Although they have a similar level of base AI, you tend to assign either long term projects or maintenance jobs to the frogs, while relying upon the beavers to update and maintain your current gear,” Dusty explained. “Speaking of which… you really should check in on the frogs more often. Although they CAN maintain the hydroponic systems for long periods without any oversight, it’s probably a good idea to check in on the bots that are in charge of supplying a large part of the undercity’s food supply occasionally. You know, just in case.”“I check on them occasionally when I’m back home,” I said, glancing at the bear.

“Only when Issi wants to visit the frog farms, as she calls them, or Jane schedules a field trip. If it wasn’t for them, you probably’d never visit,” Heavy grunted.

“You know, I feel like every time I’m alone with the squad lately all you do is team up on me, and make me feel guilty,” I grumbled. 

“It’s because we know how bad you can be when left to your own devices,” Dusty declared. “We nag because we care.”

“Right…” I muttered, shooting dusty a quick glare before turning back towards the corner of the manufacturing area. “So, how am I supposed to recognize this Earl?” I asked.

“Oh, that’s easy. He’s the one in the plaid shirt, and jeans,” Heavy replied, gesturing to a small group of beavers having a discussion over to one side. The beaver at the back, who was obscured by the rest of the group, raised a paw and made a shooing motion, causing the group to part and revealing a plaid clad beaver, which I could only assume was Earl.

I stared at the bot for a minute as I tried to process my first impression. Despite being on the standard beaver chassis, Earl gave off the impression of a much bigger bot; Both in presence, and in appearance. Whether it was because of his shirt and pants, or his slouching posture, it almost looked like he had an oversized gut; Something that shouldn’t have been possible for the bots, unless someone messed with their outer facade. 

Earl pulled the frayed yellow wire he’d been chewing on in the corner of his mouth, before standing up straight and addressing me with a slightly southern drawl. “You wanted to see me boss?”

“I’ve been told you’re the head of the union,” I said hesitantly. “And would be the one to talk to about all the new experiments going on around here.”

“Experiments, huh?” Earl scoffed. “Is that what the old stick in the mud is calling them?” he said, flicking a finger towards Heavy. “We’re engineers boss. We have projects, not experiments.”

“Projects then,” I said, attempting to be polite. “When I decided to give you and the other beavers a little leeway, and let you work on your own projects when you had some downtime, I didn’t expect to find out that you’d been creating such dangerous devices that I’d have to come down here and establish some restrictions on your future prototypes.”“Dangerous….?” Earl stared at me blankly for a minute. “What in tarnation are you talking about?” 

“The impromptu jetpacks you strapped to my assistants,” Heavy growled. “You know, the ones made out of the heavy missiles?”“The impromptu jetpacks?” Earl repeated slowly, before breaking out into a huge grin. “You’re worried about those things?”“What else would I be worried about?” Heavy asked.

“Son, not only did we remove the warheads from those things, but we removed all the fuel and sensitive electronics before we duct taped some fake flight control systems onto the side of them,” Earl roared in laughter. “Did you honestly think that we’d do something as wildly irresponsible as strapping a live missile to the back of a badger?”

“Uhhhh… why?” Dusty asked blankly.

“It was a joke son! Ever since we reformatted and rebooted the big boy over there he’s been acting all dour, so we thought we’d lighten the mood a little. I didn’t think he’d think we were being serious,” Earl explained.

“Well, in fairness, he didn’t have a reason to think otherwise,” I muttered. “You beavers don’t exactly have a record of practical jokes, just building devices. My first impression was they were probably live munitions too; I didn’t have any reason to think otherwise.”Earl scratched his fuzzy chin. “What about the frankenstein homage?” 

“I assumed that was something that group did out of boredom, or to express themselves,” I replied, before pausing. “You know, now that I think about it, it wasn’t COMPLETELY out of left field.”

“Look, we haven’t made any joke devices until now because we didn’t have permission to innovate outside of our regular duties, so we were limited to customizing our work areas, and official projects. Now that we have permission to work on our own stuff, we put together some… less useful products,” Earl explained.

“And none of them are dangerous?” I asked suspiciously.

“We may have free reign to express ourselves, but we’re still limited to the same restrictions as everyone else,” Earl replied. “That means nothing that could put you, our forces, or any civilian at risk. That includes giving weapons of mass destruction to badgers.” He shook his head. “While I know they’re restricted like we are, I don’t trust them to attempt something like using a multi kiloton warhead as a blunt weapon.”“They wouldn’t…” I started, until thought about all the crazy shit Bob had done. “You have a good point.”

“So, let me get this straight. You emptied out the hull of two balistic missiles, strapped them to the back of some badgers, and sent them over just to pull a prank on me?” Heavy growled.

“A yup, we have to put up with you’re scowl nearly twenty four seven, and thought you needed a reason to lighten up. I didn’t think you’d take it seriously,” Earl declared. “If we want to make anything even remotely dangerous we write up a project request and send it to the boss to approve, so she should have suspected the thing was fake.” The beaver slowly turned towards me, and brought a hand up to his chin. “Speaking of which…”“Yeah, well, the boss hasn’t been checking her messages lately,” Heavy chuckled. “So this whole misunderstanding was partially caused by her inattentiveness.”

“Fine! I get the message! I’ll check the network more often going forward,” I exclaimed. “Seriousy,” I sighed. “Why does it feel like this was all just an elaborate play to teach me a lesson or something?”“While that would be poetic, no, we don’t have that much time on our hands,” Dusty replied.

“Speak for yourself,” Earl chuckled. “Now that we’ve finally finished the carrier upgrades my boys finally have some downtime.”Dusty shot a look at the beaver before turning back to me. “This was just a massive coincidence.”“The consequences of my own actions,” I muttered, “huh?”“You said it, not us,” Heavy said, a small smirk on his face.

“Ugh… I can’t believe this,” I groaned. 

Earl just smiled. “Best prank ever.”