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EDIT: Now in the proper context 😂

Final-ish because I plan on doing some more shenanigans to it - on that note, I need you all to help me come up with an Instagram handle for Astarion, LOL.

Here's that much-requested modern AU where the boys commit tax-evasion, frequently dine-and-dash, and are probably at least a little bit into bitcoin. Astarion makes a living skirting the line of what he is allowed to call (and charge for) legal advice on social media. DU drow (Drew?) has an obscure punk band called The Dead Four that gets kicked out of every venue and does, erm, controversial contemporary art on the side.

They have a LOT of social media followers.

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Comments

amohia

So obsessed with them.

TheLadyJ

DU drow's smirk is doing things to me.

Aishaduh

I am so in love with this. This is perfection.

TheLadyJ

And that hip flex

Eeza

DREW?!!!!

Thistle (Chloe)

they sound positively rotted and I would like to be their friend

maybe moreau

idk about his legal advice instagram but my first thought was @asstarion for a finsta lmao

Lisa-and-Shadow

Szarr Records?? 👀 The lore of this AU 🤌🙏

jules

Ian and Drew

Maisie

I dont know if I want to be with Drew or just be Drew. I love DU Drow so much and the modern AU version of him is my legit kryptonite. I hate that I KNOW every version of Astarion can fight. Lol.

jules

(@aSTARian)

tenderroni

How about “I’m a star darling” ✨ @imastardarling_

Rainstorm

A-Star (sorry i'm out) 🏃🏼‍➡️

OnlyAncunin

Lmao the drawing of Cazador. Reminds me of the caricature of Caesar from ancient Rome for some reason. Also Astarion's little under waistband finger slip ❤

Barbarella

The "buttface cazador" killed me!🤣🤣🤣

tenderroni

I’d be obsessed with this insta couple

JESS🖤

Oh! Maybe….@Stellula! It’s Latin for “little star” 🥰

Lisa-and-Shadow

Oh and @stardidntpassthebar (the Bar Exam is how you become a lawyer in the US..... I dunno)

Oathbreaker

drow looks like he's on soundcloud. i love it

AngryLILCyclops

I feel they'd have their own porn site cause they got banned on pornhub and Onlyfans for being soooo romantic.

Lucky-Cat

The butt face cazador omg. This might be the most polite bathroom graffiti ever lol.

MEANBOSS

He's always trying to get in there 😏

MEANBOSS

Definitely some beef there between Cazador's Label and Drew's band. He probably keeps taunting him with some really shady contract LOL

Sal

Oh they're mean Gays, I know it

Tanith

This is how I find out that Astarion with normal ears freaks me the fuck out. It feels like looking at a sk*nwalker. "At least a little bit into bitcoin" yeah, checks out. This is also the funniest bit about them to me for no reason. And yeah, Drew absolutely does seem like the type of guy to willingly get his eyeballs tattooed. Realest shit I've ever seen.

Lisa-and-Shadow

Yesssss!!!!! Cazador as a literal/figurative bloodsucking record exec is TOO perfect.

Teo (like Neo)

Where can I see this caricature? 👀 edit: WAIT I think I’ve found it!

Bash Sídhe

does that fuckass have a crown of thorns tattoo im going to kill him,,,,,,,,,,

Bash Sídhe

also love what i assume are eye tattoos, because somehow thats more reasonable than casual full scelera fashion contacts

MEANBOSS

No but you are completely justified in assuming that. Why WOULDN'T a guy who got a crown of thorns tattooed on his hairline not put his sight on the line to look cooler (which he 100% did. Probably on a discount too.)

Bash Sídhe

it was probably less dangerous than when he stabbed himself in the dick an incident his fans are Certainly normal about that

Terrestrial_Biped

Is Shadowheart Drew's drummer? I think she has drummer vibes.

Will doesn't drive but still likes the show

For username ideas, just Astarion. Everyone thinks he paid like a million dollars for it but actually he just joined the app when it first came out and stole the username before anyone else could (being a vampire is occasionally useful)

BARBATUS

astarion's insta handle is like killingjoke1268 or vampireskiss1988

Endess Nova

I cannot express how much I love this

Hannah Olivier

Btw drow FEELS like the band Cask (graveyard lover specially, give it a listen!!)

lugosi

The gender envy from these two is insane

Rask

I LOVE this, also I deeply appreciate all the graffiti in the background!

lugosi

brainstormed handles: @star.ancunin (simple, cunty nickname but also last name mentioned for professional recognition- also I think he'd opt for full stops over _ or - bc they are neater) @AACunin (like maybe he's just botch up his name for a more business sounding handle if he's leaning into the legal advice stuff- but not as cunty and I feel like he's still want it to feel like the fluidity of a signature ✍️) @blood.letter (I feel like maybe this would be an edgier title or side account and he'd have that 🩸 emoji and some cursive in his bio ahaa) @solicit.star (again with the cunty Star nickname- although I have also seen people call him Tari ? But that I like less- and this one is a play on words of Solicitor again for the legal advice ahaa, but the lewdness of Solicit being there too 🤷🏻‍♀️ depends how much this version of him wants to lean into that Generally I get the sense he wouldnt put numbers or a lot of symbols in his handle- he'd want it to be really simple and nice to look at and type out bc like everything else about himself has to present precisely so I figured 1-2 words and a full stop is the vibe im getting 😌 I can be totally wrong tho, it's happened before 😫

fiestabootcamp

@ThePaleLawyer @PickPocketLawyer @RimjobEsquire @LawAvoidant @HoleProQuo @ProBoner. i could do this all night

Pondemonium

god I love them 😭😭 then being unhinged in every universe just makes it better (dine and dash!!!)

Andy O'Connor

I don't usually love modern AU stuff but my interest is PIQUED hearing about DuDrow's controversial art and punk band shenanigans... if you feel at all inspired to do more art/lore on that I'd eat it upppppp >:3

leighistired

They look like the *worst*. I love them.

OnlyAncunin

Wait I thought it was Orin? No?

OnlyAncunin

Panhaters - hate everyone equally

Sal

OH NO THATS WORSE

Bash Sídhe

he did his own subincision! the rest of the scarification was orin i do believe it was a drunken angst "im gonna cut this stupid thing in half" freakout over orin rejecting his sisterniececousinwife vibes

Quintin Landhan

Do they have an OF? Asking for research purposes

LuminousDecay

They are insufferable, I love them

m.martiaz

Yes. Yes. Feed modern au directly into my veins please.

Liubov Ricci

Drew!!😂 Your attention to detail is amazing, I'm going to be staring at this for a very long time. P.S. Astarion is such a snooty gay here, love him.

m.martiaz

Drew looks like he bought a piercing gun off Amazon and is piercing people on the side. May or may not have done it to a fan or two onstage. Anyways ig handles: @bloodlessb1tch @advice.legal.bg (if he has a separate one for business) @ancuntnin69

Vamp

Drow's little brown roots 👀 cuuute

Davenswitcher

IG handles: ancunincore, fanginandbangin, bestvampintown

Vic

they look like they would cyberbully me (and id let them). as for insta handles: @askstarion for his "professional" legal advice. classic @onlyfangs for private (and spicy vampire cosplay) pics.

catana

we have a niche concept in spain for those guys online telling you to invest in crypto, calling them “chavalitos”, and astarion being one of them in this AU is incredibly funny to me. the art is great as always ty for delivering every single time like DAMN🙌🏼

L. T.

would sign up for their Patreon

r0achlezbian

plenty of things i've seen since subscribing to this patreon have shocked me but DU Drow's human name being Drew is going to put me in the hospital

Adriel

Astarion in the most lesbian fit ever I LIVE

Azurami

*zooms in* Is drow... brunet?!

Gianna Rodriguez

please please please more modern au please please please please plea

MEANBOSS

True, but alas it is Ketheric. He picked up drumming after his wife divorced him and his daughter stopped texting back.

MEANBOSS

Ohhhh these are very good 🤔🤔🤔 quite partial to solicit.star LOL

MEANBOSS

😭😭😭 HOLE PRO QUO?????????

MEANBOSS

Yes but its all erotic half-nudes and thirst traps, and though they keep saying they'll show hole eventually they never do

Kitty

oh man there has to be some sort of LegallyBlonde joke in there surely

Kitty

IllegallyHandsome. IDK. I suck at this

MEANBOSS

no that sounds like something he'd think of 😂

Azurami

Oh gods, he isn't even his own type anymore 😭

Terrestrial_Biped

Oh my god he is having the cringiest midlife crisis isn't he? Wait, that means Gort and Orin are the other two, huh.

Terrestrial_Biped

I can see Astarion having a Catholic upbringing whose trappings he is weirdly unwilling to abandon despite his rancid relationship with his parents, so his cross checks out. What I have difficulty with is that Drew didn't leap at the chance for an inverted crucifix on that throat tattoo. What does the collarbone tattoo say?

Nora

DREW 😅😅😅

ejoym

OH I so want to know what kind of contemporary art DREW(!!!) is making XD

MEANBOSS

You know about the piss christ right

Em

“Fine die then” she is so me wow 😭

Nio

CAZADOR LMFAO

Coolest Ninja

All I can think of for Astarion's Instagram handle is "I'm hot and don't commit tax fraud"

he1chou

SCREAMING at Petras

TeachMeToLearn

Caszador being the only one with a blue check is a hilarious touch

xoxoMars

xxshadowheartxx username is emo perfection

Zamona

Omfg!!! This is soooo good! The comments🤣🤣🤣 and the graffiti of cazador! Lmao🙌 brilliant

Hinglepops

Never been interested in any AU content until right this moment. 😍

steelsp

Drew😭😭😭😭😭😭tis so funny

Vee

I thought it was a simplified dagger, now I have doubts

MEANBOSS

Drow's throat tattoo is supposed to be a dagger! Astarion's is supposed to be read both as a dagger and a crucifix. As for the collarbone tat, it says "beloved"

tyshalae

they're awful. i love them XD

vividiana

Astarion’s hand placement and the single finger slipping under Drow’s waistband is just *chef’s kiss*

Kitty

oh thepalelawyer is PERFECT tho

Ellemenop

I fully support them and all of their crimes. I never thought I'd be so into human-eared elves but here we are

EatsBees

i am not a lawyer and have only watched law adjacent shows on TV but i am CONFIDENT these men are innocent of all crimes

creature

I am losing my mind over this

OnlyAncunin

I wanted to open insta and look for it when I noticed "Dalyria" name and started thinking. To my defence it's 3 am and my phone screen is pretty dark But I bet they would have a lot of followers irl!

miss_vicky

Is Cazador drunkposting on that last comment there like what 💀

Puppy Does Things (edited)

Comment edits

2026-09-05 06:00 excuse u hes a JUDGE tyvm
2025-05-08 07:20

Terrestrial_Biped

He says below Ketheric is their drummer! So I assume Orin is in there too, rounding out the Dead Four.

L. T.

Cazador no 😂😂😂😂😂

ejoym

BWAHAHA OK, I see. Somehow piss christ has eluded me all these years!!? Definitely checks out though because my mind went to like 5 other artists who ALSO use bodily excretions in their work.

MEANBOSS

He didn't quite make it that far here 😂

MEANBOSS

drunk posting on the company account because his personal got blocked 😔

MEANBOSS

There is something very funny to me about the term "human-eared elves" 😭

Simbioza

"fistingofbane" and "Please I just want her back" would keep me sat for hours reading that thread.

Simbioza

I am judicially affiliated and I can say, with confidence, I have no objection to this motion.

Simbioza

omg.. I didn't even notice the ears. I knew something felt amiss I didn't know exactly what I just assumed it was because Astarion wasn't naked from the waist down.

B S

Pleaaaaase let these mean gays give Cazador a swirly in the urinal. ❤️

3lenoreC

Astarion is giving hardcore Tim Curry right here. And DREW!!! So many delightful things about this!

Vee

Do they look awful? Yes. Do I want them to pick me up for the evening? Also yes

PopVomitArt

I have never cared about BG3 AU until right now.

ThornedDahlia

Shadowheart is being cute on main, but the DM says “if you’re in there taking a bump without me ISTG 🗡️”