"I Can't Even Predict What These Idiots Are Gonna Do" - Chapter 1 (Patreon)

Dispatch Fic - "I can't even predict what these idiots are gonna do", Robert had said that against Shroud in their final fight, but what if this applied much earlier?

Realizing early on that cutting anyone from the Z-Team would incentivize that person to return to a life a crime, Robert suggests a different alternative to Blond Blazer.

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"I was thinking about it over the weekend and..." Blond Blazer sat in her office with Robert Robertson, discussing what to do about the group of former villains in their rehabilitation program. "I'm going to cut someone from the Z-Team." She said definitively. "Or you will, rather. Maybe I'm just looking to shake things up all over the place."

The Phoenix Program was a social program by the Superhero Dispatch Network, SDN for short, where the agency takes a villain that could or would want to change their lives around, and reform them into heroes.

While the Phoenix Program had been around for more than a decade now, it wasn't something cared for by the higher ups of the SDN as it hasn't brought in good results in years, but it does stay on paper, as a just in case type of thing, to at least give former criminals a way to still have employment so they don't fall into crime again.

The current and only group of the Phoenix Program at the moment, was the Z-Team.

A team made up of eight former supervillains: Flambae, Punch Up, Malevola, Golem, Prism, Coupé (simply known as Coop), Sonar and Invisigal.

Currently the three at the bottom of the leaderboard are Coupé (simply known as Coop), Sonar and Invisigal. Blonde Blazer's suggestion was for one of them at the end of the day to be cut in order to send a message for the rest to take the Phoenix Program more serious. To actually put in the effort to be heroes.

However...

"Are you sure about that?" Robert asked, a slight worry in his tone.

"Well..." Blonde Blazer let out a sigh. "Less sure now. You think it's a bad idea?"

"I think..." Robert looked down for a moment gathering his thoughts. He didn't like the Z-Team. He didn't like villains on principle, but if they are trying to be better, than that's good, great even.

But the Z-Team didn't seem to have their shit together. They give things their lowest effort, or not listen to those more experienced than them, thinking either they knew better, that he was being condescending, or just plainly don't trust him.

They needed a metaphorical kick up the ass, but not at the cost of losing their chance to turn their lives around.

"Robert?" Blonde Blazer asked when he didn't speak up right away.

"The contract for the Phoenix Program says that as long as the former villains stay on, they don't get sent to jail for their crimes. The threat of cutting them is good, but actually cutting them would be bad." He finally spoke. "If anyone of them is cut from the Z-Team, who says they won't go back to being villains. Heck, they might feel more justified in it then. 'I tried being a hero and they didn't want me', or, 'I gave it a shot and failed, so maybe all I'm good for is being evil'."

"So what are you saying?" Blonde Blazer frowned. "Not do anything and just hope they change?"

"No. I'm saying," Robert grinned slightly. "We give them a scare. We do 'cut' someone at the end of the day. Visibly." He made air quote when he said 'cut'. "However, whomever we cut isn't really being cut. They're just taken off the register for a week so the rest feel the weight of consequences and of the Phoenix Program being taken seriously."

"Hmmm," Blonde Blazer held her chin. "A bit sneaky but you really think they're gonna fall for it."

"These idiots? I sometimes worry they might fall for an ad-scam that they themselves made." Robert snorted.

"Yeah, we had to screen calls to prevent that from happening again." Blonde Blazer sighed in disappointment at the memory.

"Wait, for real?" Robert blinked in surprise.

"Alright!" Blonde Blazer clapped her hands once as she leaned forward looking excited. "I like the idea, and you're right, I really wish all of them do better in their second chance and not waste it. But whomever you cut still has to go to work. We'll assign someone to monitor and dispatch them in secret and work with you so they don't clash or meet up with who's left in your team while on the job for this week."

"You have another dispatcher that can work with a Z-Teamer one on one?"

"I should have someone by the end of the day."

===x===

Later End of Cut Day

Robert sat in the conference room with the Z-Team member with the lowest achievement score on the leaderboard. He genuinely thought it would be Invisigal, but her latest bust of Lightningstruck pushed her above the other two lowest members.

Sitting opposite to Robert was Sonar, a half-man, half-bat hybrid who could hulk out into a giant bat and was a Harvard graduate, who's crimes included the biggest Silicon Valley investment frauds.

"Sonar, I'm sure you know why I'm meet you now." Robert started off.

"Nope, no idea, man, no clue. S'up, Robbie? What's going on?" Sonar said in a calm air, genuinely not worried at all. He wasn't putting on an act, he wasn't worried about being cut, since from what he saw in the leaderboard Invisigal was the one at the bottom.

"You're cut from the Z-Team." Robert delivered the news like a judge's gavel.

"What?" Sonar blinked in confusion, but before the shock could fully set in Robert continued.

"Or at least, that was the original plan. For someone to get cut at the end of today, but me and Blazer talked and we're going a different route." He began to explain.

"Soooo I'm not cut? I'm not at the bottom?" The half-bat asked in worried vulnerability and hope.

"No, you and Coop are. Visi took over your spots with her latest bust. That's not important however." Robert waved him off, wanting to get to the important bit before they got sidetracked. "The point of today, was for you guys, everyone in the Z-Team to feel a little bit of pressure and take things seriously. To work together and put in the effort to do better. And you all did." He said. "Now comes the part of dealing with failure. For them. Because sometimes things can't work out, and you still need to move forward."

"...So I am being cut?" Sonar blinked, looking a little lost.

"No. You're not." Robert said reassuringly but in a firm voice. "Only on paper, but not for real. You're going to go home, disappear for a week, act angry and pissed off to anyone for the team, but in reality, you'll be working with another dispatcher only for this week, while not being in contact with the Z-Team."

"Ooooh! We're doing some corporate espionage shit." Sonar's eyes widened in excitement, as he started to smile.

"Not the same thing," Robert waved him off. "And don't smile, I'm giving you bad news, act like it."

"Right! Right. Grrrr." Sonar gave a growl.

"Oh my god, dude, act natural." Robert said urgently.

"Oh. Right." Sonar sat back relaxed and looking calm.

"I meant, naturally angry. You'd being told you're going to be cut." Robert stressed.

"Dude! You're giving me a role without any lines, coaching or direction. I'm winging it on the fly here." Sonar said back, before smirking. "Heh, 'winging it', get it?"

"Okay, we can't keep talking otherwise it's not gonna sell." Robert said quickly as he saw some eyes land on the conference room, since him and Sonar were there longer than a small quick talk of 'cutting' someone should be. "Look, this is what you're gonna do. Go big bat, roar a bit, storm out of here while cussing me or telling me to watch my back or something and go home.

"I'm going to visit you at home after I find out who your dispatcher will be. You'll be dispatched at the same time as the Z-Team but in different locations, and that way after the work shift, if they go to meet you they can find you. Just act annoyed if you meet them for this week and give nothing away, or disappear for the week outside of work hours, so you have less of a chance of giving the game away."

"Right, got it. Transform, leave, then come back and cuss at you, or... no wait." Sonar said as he stood up, frowning in thought.

"Oh god, I should have went with Coop, she would have sold it better." Robert facepalmed.

"What?! I am a better actor! A great actor!" Sonar pouted.

"You're failing at acting out right now." Robert pointed out.

"Please, you know I'm more awesome. Otherwise, why was I choice numero uno?" Sonar said smugly.

"You'd look more sympathetic when fired, to make the Z-Teamers feel sorry for you, and thus buy it that we were serious and really did cut you and not pretending. I was worried Coop wouldn't sell it being angry or sad, but now I think she would have been a better option." Robert sighed annoyed.

"Alright! You want me looking mad," Sonar started to go bigger, this clothes disappearing, as his features became more beast-like, more bat-like, growing wing membranes, fur covering his body and eyes glowed red. "Rrrrroar!" Then started flipping office supplies around.

"Sonar!" Robert stood up trying get Sonar not to overdo it, or look as if he was faking being angry. "Sonar!"

"AAAAAH! How dare you! Roberto Runnderson!" Sonar shouted as with his flailing he crashed through the glass conference room doors.

"Sonar! Stop! You need to leave! Security is coming!" Robert called out to him.

Sonar paused, wondering if he went off script, not realizing him pausing looked more suspicious. Other heroes and security were heading to them soon given the commotion.

Robert with a panicked looked gestured for the giant bat man to leave.

"Oh, right." Sonar nodded quickly, almost making Robert facepalm. "YOU BETTER WATCH MY BACK, ROBERT ROBERTSON!" He shouted before flying running on hand and feet toward the nearest window and crashing through it, flying away. "Cawka cawkaaa!" Sonar made crow sounds for some reason.

"Oh god," Robert actually facepalmed now at how this was playing out. He looked around at all the damage Sonar did in his 'outrage'. "That's coming out of his paycheck." Robert murmured. He noticed Coop who was walking a few cubicles away, watching the whole thing with a blank but subtle surprised look on her face.

Before he could say anything, his phone rang. Blonde Blazer sent him a message to meet her in her office right now.

===x===

"So..." Blonde Blazer stood in her office hand cross over her chest, with a deadpanned look on her face. "All of that, was just him acting as part of the plan?"

"I mean, at least it seems authentic?" Robert offered with an apologetic shrug.

"Robert, I got calls from the L.A. District Attorney's office asking about apprehending Sonar because they think he broke his probation terms." Blonde Blazer said with an exasperated tone.

Robert's phone started vibrating, getting flood with messages.

"Sorry, he just overdid it a little." Robert said as he checked his phone.

They were all messages from Sonar saying how awesome he acted, some threats to sell the image of being pissed off, along with videos of him threating Robert. One was a diss track.

"Is that him right now?" Blonde Blazer said with a deadpan.

The last message was of Sonar asking what to call their secret team.

"Yeah, he's... enthusiastic." Robert said with a sigh.

Busy right now. In meeting because of you. Will visit in 2 hours.

Robert sent the message then set his phone to airplane mode.

"We're gonna have to see how the team takes it tomorrow." Robert said in a hopeful tone.

"We'll see tomorrow I guess. For now we'll meet with the dispatcher I got for Sonar." Blonde Blazer said.

Someone knocked on the door to the heroine's office.

"Come in," she said.

The person who came in wasn't someone Robert expected. He had seen them around the SDN office before but always in the background.

It was the person in the giant orange mascot suit.

"This Mr. Whiskey, she's head of HR. She's actually a woman on the inside." Blonde Blazer said.

Robert raised an eyebrow. Was that a metaphor or something else?

Wait, we actually do have an HR department!?

The mascot took off the giant cat head. It was a blonde woman with cat ears. She had an angular face that could be mistaken for a pretty man from a different angle. Her hair was completely straight, even after hours of being stuck in a mascot helmet.

"Hello, I'm Whiskey Whiskers. Nice to meet you." Her voice had a childish ring to it, but her monotone voice offset that to make her sound more mature.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Robert—Wait, that's seriously your name? I thought 'Whiskey' was just for the office mascot." Robert blinked.

"They got it from me, and yes, that is my legal name. Although I don't think you have any ground to stand on."

"Sorry," Robert gave a bashful grin and apologized. Whiskey smiled, as she didn't seem to mind.

"Anyway, here's the schedule I will be following with Sonar for the following week, as well as the hours." She said giving Robert the schedule and explaining the finer details.

The mysterious SDN mascot seemed approachable once they actually talked. He's just glad she didn't bring up any of the HR problems SDN had, or Robert might have caused.

"That should be all." Whiskey finished. "Also next time, please have plans that involve preformative acts of violence outside the office."

"Right. Sure." Robert nodded.

"And keep any fraternization outside of work hours. And do not fuck on the copy machine. We really don't want to replace it again. For the third time this year."

"Of course—Wait, what?"

===x===

Finding Sonar's address was easy, given that the information was in his file.

He knocked on the door to Sonar's apartment and waited for him.

His phone was flooded with messages once he took it off airplane mode from Sonar. He was really aping up the act of being angry, given the increase in threatening messages.

Soon enough Sonar the door, shocked to see Robert, then his expression frowned in anger.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sonar said with an edge of a growl in his voice, that usually followed with his hulking out, but he held it at bay.

"What do you mean 'what I'm doing here'? I told you I was coming in two hours, so we can discuss the details of your dispatch schedule for the week."

Sonar blinked in confusion.

"What'd ya mean what am I talking out? You cut me off all communications and threw me aside." Sonar said in outrage that now he wasn't sure whether to feel or not.

"No. I sent you message that I was in a meeting and would be here later. Which is now. You kept bombarding my phone I couldn't do any work to deal with your blow up." Robert said with annoyance in his tone at Sonar's odd attitude. "You're gonna invite me in or what?"

"Uuum," Sonar in a daze, moved aside letting Robert in. The bat hybrid's house was a one bedroom apartment about the same size as Robert's but more furnished and more lived in. "Wait, you told me to do that!" Sonar said with a frown as he closed and door, and face Robert with his arms crossed.

"No, I said make a scene, not smash half the cubicles in the floor." Robert said with a frown.

"Oh. Whoops." Sonar blinked before focusing on something else. "So wait, the whole 'pretend to cut me off' thing was real?"

"Of course it was, what are you talking about?" Robert said before taking out the schedule and notes for Sonar's new dispatch routine for the next week. "Here. Your schedule as well as your dispatching supervisor's number and other details. If you have questions ask them or ask me, but I'll explain what you'll be doing for the coming week, so listen carefully."

"Oh shit, you really did." Sonar was looking at his own phone, and checking his messages, seeing now that Robert did message him and was telling the truth.

"Yeah, obviously." Robert said, before blinking as some clues came to his mind about Sonar's behavior and what he believed about Robert. That Robert tricked him and really did cut him from the team. "Sonar, why did you think I really tricked and cut you for real?

"Well, you weren't answering, and I started getting worried." Sonar lowered his head in shame. "Sorry, man, this job felt... feels really important to me. When I thought you tricked me I guess I snapped."

"It's fine, Sonar." Robert sighed in understanding. "At least we got this misunderstanding fixed right away, and nothing came from it. Now, let's talk about..." Robert narrowed his eyes, as Sonar nervously looked away. "Sonar," he said slowly. "Surely you didn't do anything rash in the past two hours I didn't talk to you, right?"

"Weeeeell...." Sonar grimaced. Robert narrowed his eyes in a cold stare of disapproval. "I may have gotten angry, fell into my coke, and... contacted the Red Ring to join Shroud's gang."

Robert's jaw dropped.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Sonar?" Robert cried out.

"Look, it's not all that bad! We can turn this around, I can now act as a spy in Shroud's gang and bring them down from the inside. It'll be awesome!" Sonar said with his excitement renewed.

"Sonar, you're not an actor, you barely convinced anyone back at SDN with your shitty acting. You're not gonna fucking survive being undercover in Shroud's gang of all things!" Robert pointed out.

"Fuck you, man! I'm an awesome actor!" Sonar said back.

"I can't believe you did that, just because I didn't answer you for two hours!" Robert almost shouted. He really wanted to shout at the bat boy with an idiot brain, but held himself back.

"I thought I was duped, man! That you made me act out to have a legitimate reason to fire me and arrest me without me being able to defend myself." Sonar said with a vulnerable note in his voice.

Robert sighed and covered his face with his hand.

"God, what are we gonna do?" Robert sighed.

"Come on, it will be great! I mean, worse comes to worst I bail out and run back to SDN. I mean, what are the Red Ring gonna do, storm SDN to get back at me?" Sonar said cheerfully.

"And when they figure you out and you're behind enemy lines?" Robert gave him the sinkeye.

"That is no problemo, Robbie. You're talking to the man who tricked Silicon Valley for years. I can run rings around a few Red Rings. Heh, get it? 'Run rings around rings'?"

Robert wasn't convinced as he kept giving Sonar a dry stare. Sonar got uncomfortable after a while.

The awkwardness in the apartment continued till a portal that looked like red and pink galaxies with a yellow line in the center opened in Sonar's apartment.

Malevola, a tall half-demon woman, with red skin, horns, and gold yellow eyes (sclera and all) came through. She carried a shiny red sword as tall as she was, and wore white leotard with denim shorts and black high heels.

The muscular tall demon woman saw Robert, the man who she just learned cut her friend from the program that would turn her life around, right in said friend's apartment.

"What are you doing here?" Malevola said with a glare.

Easily able to act calm under pressure, Robert responded with an excuse.

"I'm simply checking in on Sonar, and making sure he's okay and knows what other options he can look at SDN to continue his parole—"

"Robert send me undercover into Shroud's gang!" Sonar instantly threw Robert under the table.

"WHAT?!"

===

AN: Just a quick idea that came to mind. Merry Christmas everyone.