Monday, as always (Patreon)

Returned to Paris. I don't understand what's going on around me. I'm trying to combine things that used to be everyday with my real condition, what’s made me happy but I don't have the strength to do it.

I don't have the strength to do anything, actually. I'm afraid to go into this pain and powerlessness, I don't understand how to help myself yet. I don't really understand in my head why my body is feeling so bad.

As if everything needs an explanation. As if this explanation make it easier. As if understanding my condition will make me find a way out of it faster.

I was sure that after Sasha's death 4 years ago I was already familiar with this. That I already knew how to walk the path of this pain. But no. All this shit is so unique.

This experience, it will definitely bring me something in the end, but for now it's just powerlessness, and literal physical powerlessness, which is beats me even more.

I'm used to being strong, to being my own support. But now I'm just drowning in this state, it completely consumes me. And no matter how much I run away, I can't get out.