Home
Creators
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register Favorites Keys Review DMs Logout
Community
Telegram ThePornDude
Home Creators Posts Import Register Favorites Logout

03/11/2017: It Runs in the Family Chapter 8 (Patreon)

Published:
2017-03-11 14:22:19
Edited:
2017-05-31 22:31:55
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

https://www.dropbox.com/s/lyk4zvz8aphdanb/It%20Runs%20in%20the%20Family%20chapter%208.pdf?dl=0

Sorry for running a little late, being at NEEHU is amazing but there's so little free time! I probably won't get much writing done during the convention, however I'm getting amazing inspiration to put into future stories so look forward to that. Enjoy the story everyone

Comments

Rob McBobson

The chapter was great as a whole, but Imma give some constructive criticism here: There was a bit too much elegant variation for my taste. There's nothing wrong with some, of course. But in just one single sentence, you refer to Michelle as both "Michelle," "Mrs. Silva" and "the mature woman," and IMO that's overdoing it a bit. :) The two names are the most problematic, The story's written from Connie's point of view, after all, and either she considers herself on a first-name basis with Michelle Silva or she doesn't. So referring to her as both "Mrs. Silva" and "Michelle" in the narration implies that Connie constantly switches between being on a first-name basis and NOT being on a first-name basis with her, which probably isn't what you were going for. :) And just to be clear: I loved the chapter apart from that, just like I love all your other stuff. (You *are* the only hypno-writer I sponsor here, after all.) So don't get down or anything--this was my only (minor) complaint in a chapter that otherwise upheld your high quality standards. I hope I came off as polite, and if I didn't, that's not intentional--it's just proof that I'm not as good at writing as you are. :)

Fallen

I would like to respectfully disagree with you on this point. I like the different naming procedures the author chooses for two reasons. 1) This story actually seems to be 3rd person narrative. Otherwise, we wouldn't know Mrs. Silva's thoughts "a wicked idea coming to mind. She had been strangely worked up all morning, after all." Since it seems to be 3rd person, naming conventions can be exchanged to prevent a staleness in the writing. 2) If this were solely from the point of view of Connie, I rather like the idea that she is wrestling with how to address Mrs. Silva. Using just the first name is more informal but also more intimate. I believe that Connie sees Mrs. Silva as more unattainable. This is opposed to Jade, Tara, and Gloria. These three have, in some form or another, been grasped by Connie's character. She can control Gloria. She loves Tara. She not only lusted after, but has consummated a physical relationship with Jade. As this chapter ends however, she can't quite make that claim on Mrs. Silva. However, she has groped Michelle, and influenced her slightly. She sees the possibility of more. Thus, her mind goes 'round between her names as she rationalizes to what end the relationship can be brought. In the end, that's just my interpretation. The author gets the final say in the matter.

Rob McBobson

First of all, thanks for being respectful. Not everyone on the net is, haha. :) Secondly, to address your points: 1. Yeah, it's a 3rd person narrative, but it's 3rd person limited. That is, it's still always written from one characters point of view. We sorta "go inside Connie's head." And yeah, we get to know what Michelle is thinking in some paragraphs. but only in the paragraphs specifically written from Michelle's point of view. SammyNona always picks one single character whose perspective to write from, and stays with that character's perspective for a while. And yeah, changing between names to avoid staleness is a valid way of writing. Some of my favorite writers do it. : ) I just feel that SammyNona's overdoing it a bit with three different variations in just one sentence. :) 2. Connie struggling with how to address Michelle is a pretty interesting idea, agreed--but that doesn't seem to be what the writer is going for. It seems more like the switching between "Michelle" and "Mrs. Silva" is just for some aesthetic variation, and not to indicate any uncertainty on Connie's part. With all that said, I totally respect your right to your opinion, of course. Thanks for being respcectful, and I've tried to be equally respectful here--I hope that came across, haha. :)

Fallen

You came across wonderfully respectful. I appreciate your opinion and will admit that you have a valid counterpoint on the first issue. I had never actually heard of the "3rd person limited" notion. So I will bow to you on that, as it does seem to concur with the writing style as I'm learning it. This was a wonderfully polite discourse. They do exist on the internet.

sammynona

Wow, this was a really civil conversation, you guys are awesome! Michael, I definitely feel you about overusing the name changes. I was feeling it because this chapter has virtually no dialogue so I had to keep describing actions, and I didn't want it to be monotonous. And like Fallen said Connie does get that kind of dual feeling about her, which I took from my life because I tend to think of friend's parents as Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so, even when they insist I use their first name. But I do completely agree that it got away from me, and I plan on editing it more to tighten it up before it goes through to mcstories. I was just rushing to get the chapter to you guys before I left for NEEHU since I didn't want everyone to have to wait another five days for the chapter. Thank you both for the great criticism and comments, and never feel bad about pointing out stuff I can improve on :)

Fallen

I still can't, to this day, bring myself to call any of my friends' parents by their first name. It must be the most intense behavioral conditioning I don't want to ignore. Thank you for replying and giving Michael and I your thoughts on the matter. I think you needn't worry about your followers being disrespectful to each other. I don't think any of us would want you upset by our squabbles. Michael was very enlightening and I was glad to learn from him. In our age of 'trolling' and 'flame wars', I'd like to think there are still many who would prefer a nice, cordial discussion over hateful, spiteful arguing.

Rob McBobson

I think that's because this is a fetish thing. I've noticed that people tend to be extra respectful in fetish situations, since that's not the kind of context where you have any right to judge others, haha.