Elliott's Blog, #1: Proofing My Frinds Wrong (Patreon)

Seen above are y friends. Or at least, that's what I thought welcome to the blog.

If there's one thing I'm known for, it's (add later), but if there's a second, it's my writig. Ever since I was in high shcool, I've had a love of the written word, a way with words, and an even grandiose way of speaking words. Don't believe me? Do. Because it's true, and I'm going to prove you.

The first thing I want to clarify here is that I have terrible friends. Look at them. Let's insectigate, shall we? First Steve, with his hats. I've never seen a more stoic individual, a kind-hearted soldier of comedy and love who, while part puppet, also has a complex matrix of emotional strength empowering his daily activities. He's also incredibly pro-Communist. 

And there's Lee Newton, or as I like to her, "CALL!" See, Lee has always been a funny person, even in the womb. A lot of people don't know this, but Newton was born inside an actual heart. Only through multiple surgeries was she able to break free from her heart cocoon and emerge as the beautiful butterfly you see today. Don't believe me? Should, if I were you I would, as it'll be good. Lee's a champion of comedy, a real sketch aficionado. Lee has never written a "sketch," of course, because she prefers the term, "skit," or "plotless character-driven stand-alone pseudo-stories," as Stella Adler referred to them. 

But who else is there? Of course, there's Joe! Hi, Joe! Joe definitely stayed at SourceFed until the very end and continues to work in the building, alone and by himself, stalking Joe Rogen and subliminally speaking to him through the walls during the Joe Rogen Experience. Oddly enough, Joseph Daniel Bereta is wanted on multiple charges of stalking, and to this day, Joe Rogen refers to Joe Bereta as "Wall Boy." Wall Boy, of course, wants nothing more than to be a guest on the Joe Rogen Experience and talk about how crazy MMA fighting and muscles are, but Wall Boy has a difficult time leaving his wall. While he refers to the wall in which he resides as his prison, he also has grown to love his casing of drywall and insulation. Wall Boy? More like Stockholm Syndrome Boy. Put that in your headphones and giggle at it, Rogen, you swole cherub. 

Then there's me. I'm known for my impeccable grammar, my hyper-conservative political affiliations, as well as my membership in an alt-right neo-Nazi fraternity at Florida Atlantic University. To put it simply, I'm the bad boy. Joe's the Wall Boy. Steve's the good boi, and Lee hates the patriarchy, which she believes to be a large boat constructed solely to withstand a worldwide flood on which we will put the New England Patriots. Get it? Patriarchy? Can't get this time back, y'know. Ever.

In the coming weeks, I'm going to be uploading little blog posts on this here Patreon every single Friday. The first, (this one you're reading right now on probably Sunday) is going to be public, and then subsequent ones will be for all you lovely patrons. My goal for these posts is for them to be entertaining while you go about your day. If I can give you any sort of a reprieve from boredom, then my work here is done. Plus, it's an opportunity for me to be continuously writing. This particular post will not be indicative of future ones, insomuch as purposefully using bad grammar in an ironic way is legitimately exhausting and causing me brain pain.

So, below, are there subjects you'd like me to talk about? I'm open to literally anything. Ideally, I'd like this little weekly post to cover a wide variety of topics, and we can chat about them in the comments and have a jolly good time.

There you go. I did it. I proved my friends wrong. Suck it, guys. Suck it.