REVIEW: Aladdin (2019) by Elliott Morgan (Patreon)

As many of you know, I am the resident film expert at The Valleyfolk. I am literally obsessed with films, movies, and feature-length stories that get acted out by characters and put on big screens, or the “silver screen,” as I, an intellectual, would call it. When it comes to me, I'm all about movies. For that reason, it only makes sense that I review the new Aladdin, a live-action journey of nostalgia and magic that you’ll wish never ended, because I’m not sure that it has yet. I might still be watching it. The film is rated PG and has a runtime of seventeen hours.

Aladdin is absolutely, without a doubt, the strangest movie I have ever seen. To add context, I saw the movie with my girlfriend, brother, and sister-in-law in Sarasota, Florida, after eating incredibly delicious BBQ at a place called “Nancy’s.” I don’t know if the mac and cheese and brisket came together in my stomach and caused a drug-like reaction in my brain that made it impossible to process what was before me, but I have no idea what the hell happened in this movie. Tell Colorado they don’t need to take their decriminalized mushrooms - the same trip can be achieved for $11 at your local cinema. 

Let’s begin with some things that I know were good. 

The colors were boom boom bright, a technical term for when the saturation of the movie is turned up to psychedelic. Aladdin and Jasmine are well cast. Will Smith as the genie does a great job of being Will Smith as the genie. He’s not Will Smith as Robin Williams as the genie. He’s Will Smith as Will Smith as the genie. It should be noted that Robin Williams as the genie was also not just the genie. Robin Williams was Robin Williams as the genie. These are important factors to consider, but none of it will help your brain make any sense of the hot trash that’s in front of you. 

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of watching a guy buy a drink at a bar and then pour it on his own lap while staring at you. Will Smith, while being amicable as all heck, was very hard to see on account of the genie’s weirdly buff body. I saw the film in 3D, and I had to consciously make myself look up to see that it was Will Smith’s head on that weird, computerized genie torso. Why was his torso so weird? Why was it so distracting? Will Smith as Will Smith doing the genie was mostly torso. Much of this movie is blue torso. If you like blue torso, you’re going to love the new, live-action Aladdin. It has something for everyone, but it has everything for people who want to stare at blue torsos. 

Why is Nasim Pedrad, like, half of this movie? Why? I’m asking because I’m genuinely confused. Nay, I am beyond genuinely confused. I am aggressively confused. I am so confused by this movie that I feel attacked. I feel humbled, unlike Nasim’s character, who was super horny the entire time. I walked out of this movie thinking, “The grip I thought I had on life seems to be not as tight,” and “Reality itself has shifted around me,” and “Did I just watch two hours of blue torso and Nasim Pedrad?”

The music is very fun, and I absolutely loved the new song, “Speechless,” which is a catchy tune that, if I’m not mistaken, sets feminism back many Arabian nights. You’ve got to hand it to Disney for being equal-opportunity panderers. That said, the song is catchy as heck, and I felt guilty for enjoying it and even more confused when I found myself standing up in the theatre and shouting, “I FEEL STUPIDER!” Will Smith looks like his entire performance was filmed using a Snapchat face filter. Why does his torso? That’s not a typo. Why does his torso? Tell me. Why? 

The character Aladdin, on the other hand, began the movie as a petty thief and ends it as, get this, a petty thief. He has no remorse, at any point, for his constant committing of actual crime. Is this a story about classicism? The struggles of princesses? Speaking truth to power? I have no idea. I have no idea about anything. Jafar is one of the most terrifying Disney villains ever in the original movie. In this movie, I’m pretty sure he’s the protagonist? I don’t know. I truly just don’t know anymore. This movie is to movies what life-like robots are to human beings. There is an actual feeling of uncanny valley that goes beyond the saccharine production and straight to the core of my being. You know how they’re using AI to create videos of Joe Rogen saying stuff he didn’t actually say? This is like they did that but it was a whole movie and they’re trying to pass it off as, well, a movie, but something deep within you goes, “What’s before me is unnatural and an abomination to God.”

In conclusion, I can’t say if Aladdin was a good or bad film, because I’m pretty sure it was not actually a film. It makes sense that Guy Ritchie directed it, because nothing about this movie makes sense, so why not have Guy Ritchie direct it? Heck, I’m surprised it wasn’t directed by the idea of a director. Why the torso? Why so much horny Nasim Pedrad? Literally no one who saw the 90s animated classic thought, “You know what this movie needs? Subplots.” 

What happened at the end? And what was the message about power? That if you get too much of it, you get put in a lamp? And finally, why didn’t Will Smith’s Genie flick the lamp like in the animated one? I wanted that. I wanted Genie to flick the lamp into the desert. Instead, Will Smith threw it by swinging his arm a bunch. Why? He’s a Genie. Flicking is so much cooler because it shows how big and strong he is. Why was that a choice? Was Guy Ritchie like, “Throw it like you’re playing horseshoes or people will think you’re copying Robin,” and then someone had to bite their tongue to keep from saying, “Guy, that was… a… car… toon.”

Have you seen the movie? What did you see? Did we all manifest this? Is this a group hallucination? Will Smith isn’t the Genie, right? This movie was never made, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 10/10, flawless film, he typed while literally winking.