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A difficult chapter, mostly conversation, hindered by Milo's paranoia and fear of saying too much, and Belinda being kept sequestered most of her life. Send me feedback if something feels off.***"Hi""Hi"With opening statements out of the way, Belinda and Milo settled down to an awkward silence. Finally, after sitting in silence for a moment, she started. "I'm guessing you know something about my Uncle Victor? And that worries you."Milo took a deep breath. "I know a lot about your Great Uncle, Victor Seimovich, and his activities. You can find out a lot about him with a computer and a little logic. The question is, really, how much do you know about him?"I know he isn't the best person. No, ignore that. He's a bad person, but he's always been good to me. I heard a lot about him when I was younger. He talked with people on the phone or to his employees that followed him around. Always in Russian, and they just assumed I didn't understand. It was a fun game I played until I understood what he was talking about. Are you worried that he's in the habitat? He hardly leaves his apartment; I think people are watching him now. Something big happened before he came here." Milo picked up a rock, considered how useless throwing rocks at a stalactite was, and threw it anyway. "You can find out about it if you go look. It was a huge operation for Interpol. Thousands of people were forced to work in Mark 2 pods doing work online for long periods, and some died. Thousands of people. And he was the one at the top who profited. Don't take my word for it; you can find it. They were even using this habitat for part of it."Belinda stared at him. "Oh, shit! Please tell me Big Butch wasn't part of that. Was he hurt?"Milo shook his head. "No, he'd have been in the next wave or two. A lot of the people they used first weren't from this habitat. But they were expanding fast. But it could have been him. It could have been anyone in this hab. And Victor wouldn't have cared.""But Daddy is doing something like that! The idea behind Manpower is people in pods working for corporations! Is he involved with Victor? Or doing the same thing?""No. But I think he's copying what Victor did but trying to make it legal. He has to use Mark 7 pods, which help, not hurt, the people in them, and they have a contract. I'm not worried about Manpower. I'm worried about Victor Seimovich and you."Belinda smiled a bit, happy that someone worried about her. "Worried about me, how? I'm the only family Uncle Victor has; he won't hurt me."Milo just tossed another rock."Talk to me. Why are you worried about me?"He sighed. The damned knots weren't going to cut themselves. "You turn eighteen soon. What happens then?""That's why you don't have to worry about me! My trust funds have enough money in them that I can live independently and take care of myself!" Even as she said it, she realized how much she was waiting for that day.Milo turned to her and thought hard about what he would say. "And what if, for medical reasons, a court declares that you aren't capable of handling that much money? That for your own good, you need a permanent guardian? Someone who can now access your trust funds and care for you. What then?" She'd thought a little about that. "If daddy tries that, I'll fight him. A broken body doesn't mean a broken mind. I've passed enough courses by now to have a college degree if I wanted. A court would see that." Milo was staring at her, waiting. "You're worried about Uncle Victor? Aren't you? He's not my guardian; Daddy is. Why would Victor get involved?""Because Victor is a bad man, trapped in a bad spot, and you have half of the wealth of the old family. His money is gone; yours is in trust funds. With enough money, he can make all his troubles disappear and be powerful again. Don't think of him as Uncle Victor. Think of him as someone who lets people die of starvation while trapped inside faulty pods. And worse. Don't underestimate him."Eyes wide, she shook her head back and forth. "No, that doesn't make sense! I don't have that much money! Daddy has control of most of it now, and I don't care. When I get the ten million dollars in my trust funds, I can do what I want. But that's nothing compared to what Victor used to talk about. He laughed at 'mere millionaires'; he had billions before he lost it.""Your father is lying to you. Victor is lying to you. Maybe for good reasons? I'm not good at how family and money work. I'm still figuring that out. But there are records of financial transactions that give hints. Even at a low estimate, your father was worth 150 billion dollars when he died. Your mother was even richer. You are the only heir and get it all when you turn 18. Unless someone decides you aren't competent."She sat, staring at him. Milo stared into space for a moment. "I just sent you the files. Reports from financial advisors, magazine profiles on your parents, and investment strategies that involved their companies. This is all public. All known. They hid it from you and isolated you as much as possible."Belinda leaned back against the rock wall, thinking. That was a stupid amount of money. Wasn't it? But Milo wasn't good at lying and was so upset he was vibrating. He was trying to keep his promise to be truthful to her, and he was worried. Was he telling the truth? Probably. She'd have to look at what he sent her, but she was conscious of how controlling her stepfather was and how little contact she had with people outside her bodyguards and doctors. He had moved them a lot, and she'd lost the few friends she had made. She could only hang out with her new friends because Eric had pushed Daddy hard to keep his promises. Now that she thought about it, he didn't even like her being online in the game. Her thoughts turned to Milo or Ghost. The second name fit better in some ways. She knew little about him, but some of what she did know didn't make sense. He was smarter than she was but younger. He should have been on one of the professional gaming teams, but he lived in the habitat. And then the Claw Master deal. How had he learned about the company? And he understood what the gloves did and how they worked. Most people in the hab couldn't program a food processor. She knew she couldn't. Briefly, she considered that he might also be after part of her money. It was a stupidly large amount. But she thought about the gloves and how she was being paid to test them. He was too, and everyone else, and suddenly Big Butch and Mama had jobs, and a school was being put in the hab. Who was behind that? The mysterious Claw Master sponsoring her events, and Milo's team is coming out of nowhere to win them. She took a deep breath and tried to sort out all the mysteries, but nothing made sense except for one thing. "You're hiding a lot of things, aren't you?"Milo threw a rock at a stalactite and then another."Right. Not talking again. Got it. You warned me about Victor and Daddy and what they might do to declare me incompetent to manage my money. I get it. But there's more. A lot more! What's the problem and why won't you talk to me? Is it something about Claw Master? Some sort of NDA? I'm not going to say anything. I've only got six friends in the whole damned world, and you're one of them. I'm not going to betray your trust!"Milo set down the next rock. "No lies. Promise?""Yes. I promise. No lies.""You signed an NDA to use those gloves and wanted to know more about them and why they help you. I'm trying to do that. Part of that NDA says that Claw Master can ask for your medical records from the database kept by the A.I., Wally. When you asked me to figure out how the gloves helped you, they tried to get your medical records. What they saw was faked. All your records show you as healthy, with nothing wrong. Someone has rigged your pod to match the medical records submitted already, and all of them show not one thing wrong with you. That made me wonder why. Maybe your family is very secretive and wants to keep your treatments private. I don't know. But I know what they are doing is illegal and hiding your problems. Without the medical data from your pod, the Claw Master people don't know what is going on with the gloves, and how they help your arms. And I worry about something else."Now, Belinda was getting angry. Angry at her father. It was just like him to do this. Keep control of her and keep secrets. She had all the best doctors, or so he said. But did she? "What else are you worried about.""Declaring you mentally incompetent would be tough. All a judge has to do is talk to you. But what if something happens to you physically? You get worse. Have a mysterious relapse. They control your records. You've lived in different countries. What happens when some night you disappear, and we don't know where you are? All they have to do is add a drug to your pod to knock you out, and they could move you like a piece of cargo where ever they need. Pay a judge or a government to side with them, and you never wake up. It's been done before."The bottom dropped out of her world. She hadn't played in weeks because of a problem with her new drugs, and now she wondered. She got better, then worse, in a constant cycle. Was it real?Milo continued. "Now, take that scenario and keep going. Who knows you? Who could sound an alarm about a missing heiress and something suspicious happening? How hard would it be to get rid of some people living in a habitat? Who would notice? It would be tempting to Victor, and that's who I'm worried about, to cover his tracks, just like he's done before."Belinda nodded. She knew only too well how often that had happened. Victor had said so himself. It hadn't seemed real before, just like something in a movie. Now? She felt horrible. "You're worried Victor will come after you, and Butch, and all the rest. I can see that. But I promise. I PROMISE I'll do anything I can not to let that happen! I won't let Victor do something to you."That was enough for Milo. "I need your permission to get your medical data from your pod and make some modifications to it. Then I can start figuring out the truth about your medical condition. There are people who can help. They helped me already. I need to talk to them about you more, do you trust me with that? They can protect you from Victor or your father if they try something. I will as well."That brought a smile to her face. "Yes, I trust you with that. And I have a great idea. Daddy promised me a clubhouse and a party. I'm going to find Uncle Eric and get him on board with my idea, and all of you can come over to my place to play games, eat cheesy-chili-corn-dogs and play the video games we won. Daddy doesn't like the idea, so I won't ask him this time. It will be great!"Milo nodded to her. "That works." He'd been planning to sneak through the tunnels into her section and do the work after he jiggled the security cameras. He was a little disappointed, actually, but her plan had food and games.She stood up and reached out a hand to Milo. "I like this; let's keep talking. But I'm starving. There are some places to eat by the docks; we can have a nice lunch together. We can even have some fun on the way. There's a gang war going on, and I hear people are looking for you. I need a good fight to work out some frustrations."

Comments

Kensai

Who cares about how many seconds :)

Andrew Denton

They were even using this habitat for part of it." She stood up. "I like this; let's keep talking. But I'm starving. There are some places to eat by the docks; we can have a nice lunch together. We can even have some fun on the way. There's a gang war going on, and I hear people are looking for you. I need a good fight to work out some frustrations." Belinda stared at him. "Oh, shit! Please tell me Big Butch wasn't part of that. Was he hurt?"

Andrew Denton

That central paragraph seems out of place.

David Gleiberman

Their is definitly something off about this chapter. For one, their is a diconnect from the previous chapter to this one. The last chapter ended with her going into the underground, and this one starts with them saying hi. In every previous converstaion, their were other things happening in the background behind the, or at least a scenery setup. That seems absent from this. Also, I feel their was a level of intelligence and playing with words back and forth, between Milo and Belinda, showing how smart they both are. It feels like a slight step back here. Additionally, their was a leadup about this being a date, or maybe thought of as a date, and that emotion is absent entirely from this chapter. Also, Milo doesn't seemed scared at all to bla all the information he has. I feel their should be more description of feeling or the way he holds himself, their is a little bit of that, but much later in the conversation. I feel like this should be two chapters, rather then one, or much longer, their was a lot of build up to this conversation.

The El Bandito

I was going to make a comment about that big butch line as well. It took me a while to realize the big butch line was a reaction to her hearing about the workers being hurt from faulty pods and her being worried about butch being one of those workers.

Swinter

If I'm going to be brutally honest, since you asked for it: The dialogue here feels... Incredibly stilted. Emotionless. Yes, both Milo and Belinda suck at just... talking to other people, but this goes further than that. Dialogue is admittedly your weak point overall. You create fascinating worlds, but when characters talk to each other, it's generally wooden and un-emotional. (Or they flip from calm to super emotional in a heartbeat. But that's mostly been in the Butcher. Usually emotions need buildup. Or you get someone like Homelander from The Boys.) It's probably because there's very little descriptors to show the characters emotions. They did a lot of talking here, but it was robotic and... Almost like they were spouting exposition at each other. You're also literally Telling what emotions they have, rather than Showing. Just take this sentence: "Belinda smiled a bit, happy that someone worried about her. " Starting good with her smiling, but then you straight away just write that she's happy with it, instead of showing it in descriptions of how she act or more. Does she brighten up? What does Milo think of the smile? In general you'd want to avoid Telling the reader what emotion the character is supposed to feel. You did a better job with Milo throwing rocks at stalactites (even if I question where it all came from. Weren't they meeting at the guildhall?). It helps make him come off as trying to spend some nervous energy. But even then, we don't get to see how Belinda reacts to Milo suddenly deciding to toss rocks. They're also... Speaking paragraphs towards each other. This is one of those times where I'd recommend reading the dialogue out loud. Does it feel like the way people would talk? I've rambled on enough. Not sure how helpful or not it is, but hey, you asked :P.

David Gleiberman

Agreed. And as I said in my comment, their was buildup with the two finally meeting in the game with full knowledge of who they are outside and inside the game, this I feel should be a game changing chapter, which would possibly give hints as to the continued relationship between the two characters. Milo traveled a long ways, spend like 5-6 chapters trying to get here, all for this one conversation. And it was just both of them spouting information. Not that it was bad. It was solidly written. But the emotion and impact that led to this conversation, like 20 chapters of investigation, it should feel more important.

Bakerdea

I feel like she could use a little bit more denial in her response. It feels like she accepted things a little too easily.

Wyatt Barbee

Belinda comes across as very smart but Milo has said enough that I think she should realize where he got his pod. Maybe not right away but she has all the pieces. maybe that he is lead designer of Claw Master as well? not necessarily that he owns it but medical files shouldnt just go to anyone. only the lead designer would get them with an unredacted name. He is as she says too smart with his abilities as stated, still she is too. Still one of my favorite chapters I love the interactions Milo has revolving himself and his past.

Wyatt Barbee

Whenever someone acts explosively (like throwing rocks) I jump there should be some kind of reaction.

David Gleiberman

I would agree overall, though their were times when she slightly denied it, but it did seem like a quick turn around. Maybe even something like her thinking in her head, that she would investigate the information he sent her, because while she likes and seems to trust Milo, this whole time you talked about how much Victor dotted on Belinda, so I feel the quick turn to Milo's side should have been slightly slower, like Milo catching her almost contradicting herself.

NameGame

Thanks for the chapter. Most of the feedback I was going to give has already been said. I'll say that it seems odd that she just immediately accepts all of it. Even the stuff milo sent her, no time to really dig in, review, double check, just okay. It's very fast acceptance for life changing information about people she knows and cares about.

Notcreepycreeper

My money is Eric being the real asshole to Belinda

RJD

Paragraph 6 doesn't fit, my guess is you just forgot to remove it. Milo had a lot of information to unpack in a short period of time and he did it and you showed Belindas extreme naivity. But yeah it is a but simplistic. Perhaps show more of how Belinda is in denial and Milo is lacking confidence in communicating. This whole arc has so much potential. Looking forward to rest.

Jolly Oli

I can see the disconnect Milo is worried about Victor, but Belinda is worried about her step-dad. We don’t know if either of their fears have substance yet, but they are also learning to trust each other more. Also maturity levels Milo thinks he's older, but Belinda thinks she's older it's ironic.

TheWalrusKing

hmmm, that used to be the last paragraph of the story. I must have had it hightlighted and somehow it got dragged higher...odd..

TheWalrusKing

I can add to the setting. Where they meet is right at the start of the underground area of the mines, where they finally stopped the world boss.

TheWalrusKing

Working on a rewrite and taking into consideration the feedback. It's a tricky conversation because Milo is showing very little emotion. He's barely talking, even in the game. Paranoid, unused to letting go of secrets, not wanting to give clues until he has trust, not about to gain trust until he gains information. I'll toss some more hours into it and see what happens. Thank you all for the input.

TheWalrusKing

They are meeting in the mines, under the guildhall where the Worldboss died. Lots of rocks.

Swinter

Pretty sure you're not mentioning that anywhere. You should do that.

RedInkQuill

It’s a strong chapter based on plot progression. Seems like some editing is needed to clean it up. That one paragraph shouldn’t be there at the beginning. Perhaps milo can be caught out as the designer of claw master to see them grow closer and get her to respect him more. I’d like to see a stronger partnership between them. Perhaps using the clubhouse as a point where they can collaborate in stuff in the future. Especially when she learns that milo is a designer and independently wealthy. I’m happy with this overall

Mr Fuzzknuckle

Honestly as a standalone I can see the concern that Milo's not engaging and pushing a 'dialogue' from a narrative perspective. However, if someone has been reading his development and interactions this far, his reticence is an established character trait. I think this flowed very naturally myself. Just subscribed after binging the entire series and I'm loving it all! I hope you and your family get better soon.

TheWalrusKing

Thanks. I think we kicked it for now. The girls just have "normal exhaustion, doing stage shows and dancing 12 hours a day. Keeps them out of trouble until the end of summer stage. :)