Eric Linnaeus | Book 3 | Chapter 18 - Not Telling Him Would Have Been Better (Patreon)

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ℕ𝕠𝕥 𝕋𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 ℍ𝕚𝕞 𝕎𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 ℍ𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝔹𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣ᴄᴀʟʟᴀ: ᴍᴀʀᴄʜ - ᴀᴘʀɪʟ, 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟶.

─── .✦········· ───

“May I leave?” I whispered.

My pulse raced through my veins, and my head was spinning; Claire was pregnant. She sat in a bathtub of salty water to subdue her unborn child’s power and everything in me knew that my life was now forfeit. I no longer served any purpose, and the moment Markos understood that, I would be destroyed.

Nathaniel excused me, and I left directly to my chambers. I had to prepare for when I would no longer be there. It would be a troublesome job to leave for others, and packing my room was simple. I didn’t have all that many belongings to arrange; in all technicalities, I don’t own anything any more than a dog owns its toys. If my owner should choose to take them away from me, that would be beyond my control.

For the most part, my room is plain. The closet is large, and filled with many outfits for servants to dress me in. Of course they are all dresses; I have never worn pants the way Claire does. I wonder if that has anything to do with why I could never fall pregnant for Markos. Perhaps pants were the key?

Regardless, I arranged each dress in neat order so they could be easily removed and sorted. I discarded the torn ones; they would no longer need to be mended and were placed into the trash. I wasn’t sure what should happen with the weapons, so returning a majority of them to the armory was all I could think to do.

I cleared my personal bathroom of the belongings I kept there: soaps and various perfumes mostly. The Fae are sensitive to human scent, so it was always important that I should smell fresh, even after training. Then I went to wait for Eric.

He was out on a hunt with Charles, but I hoped he might return soon and so I waited, unmoving at the gates. Hours passed and evening set in; it grew cold, and I still did not move. I missed dinner entirely, but my patience was rewarded as headlights on the horizon marked the approach of a vehicle.

Guards opened the gates for them and, eventually, Eric and Charles stepped out of the car. Both were covered in dirt and blood, I supposed their hunt had been successful, yet neither said a word. Charles in particular looked somewhat shaken while Eric was unusually tense. I wondered what could have happened to make them both look so spooked.

When Eric noticed me he hesitated, “Calla, what are you doing out here?”

“I need to speak with you…” I mumbled, perhaps now was not the time.

He took a second to evaluate then turned to Charles, “Are you alright? I need to speak with Calla.”

“Yeah, yes, I’m fine,” he wasn’t convincing, even to me.

“I’ll come to speak with you after. Try to get some rest.”

“Sure.”

Charles left us without another word, and I felt Eric’s gaze on me, “What did you need to talk about?” he asked as calmly as ever.

“Not here…” I murmured; there were too many eyes and ears within the castle. I didn’t need Markos to find out any sooner than he already would.

“Come then,” he agreed easily. Eric had always understood the need we had for secrecy.

We walked together in silence out into the forest. I couldn’t see the ground well, but he guided me where necessary. This was reminiscent of how we would behave as children, sneaking out into the forest at any opportunity. It’s hard to find things in the trees, and so even if we were followed, it was easy to avoid detection. We had spent countless hours in these woods, training and playing. For as long as I can remember knowing him, Eric has always been the person I turned to. Although I knew there was nothing he could do for me now, I wanted to tell him; I didn’t want it to be a surprise.

When we at last stopped, we were deep among the trees. The moonlight was faint, and Eric’s eyes glowed dimly in the darkness. Around us fireflies blinked intermittently among the leaves, illuminating their surroundings like earth-bound stars.

“What is it that you wanted to talk about?” Eric asked gently as he sat on a fallen log and gestured for me to join him.

“Are you okay being back at Dunkel?” I began. Of course this was not all I wished to speak with him about, but I was interested to know, and I didn’t want to talk about only my problems.

“In general I guess so. Nathaniel showed me the below chambers, there’s nothing left down there now. No ‘livestock’, and as far as I can tell everything he’s told me he changed is the truth.”

“Yes, he changed a great many things,” I agreed.

“He’s changed too…”

“Is that what you wanted?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “I didn’t want anything from him. I didn’t expect to see him again.”

“Are you unhappy that you did?”

“…No.”

“Then why do you challenge him so much?” I prompted carefully.

“I don’t challenge him.”

“You’re lying to yourself if you believe that.”

“Okay, fine,” he mused, “Maybe I do…”

“So why?” I encouraged again.

“I like watching him try. The look of thinly veiled frustration he gets when he knows I’m right is priceless.”

“You shouldn’t torment him the way you do; he cares for you very much.”

Eric sighed, looking up at the sky, “I wish he would just say that then.”

“It’s not in their nature to share such things with words.”

“Whose side are you on exactly?”

“No one’s,” I assured, then asked tentatively. “Have you and he..?”

He smiled bitterly as he understood what I was asking, “I’m sure you didn’t ask me out into the forest to talk about Nathaniel and I. But, no… and not for my lack of trying. If he doesn’t fuck me soon-”

I couldn’t help but smile. It had been some time since Eric and I had spoken quite like this, and I’ll admit it made me feel better to hear his complaints. This is how we had always been: honest and ourselves with each other. He was the one person I could show emotion with, and I was the only one he would ever speak to in this way.

Moreover, I’d never known Eric not to get what he wanted, and I was sure it bothered him. “Perhaps you’re not his type?” I teased lightly.

“He doesn’t kiss me like I’m not his type,” he retorted.

“Then maybe you’re losing your charm.” Perhaps it was just my imagination, but he almost looked like he wasn’t sure if I was joking or not.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?” he asked instead of answering.

I hesitated, truthfully I couldn’t work out what to say… How do you tell your best friend that you’re going to die? I took a slow breath in. It didn’t matter anymore whether or not I upheld the Fae standard, I would be disposed of regardless. However, concealing my emotions wasn’t the problem; it was showing them that I found difficult in this case.

In his presence, I had felt genuine happiness and shared sadness. But now that I wanted to speak to him with importance, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to show the correct emotion, and that he would never understand how much he meant to me.

“I love you, Eric,” I began quietly. It was stressful to say it; what if I wasn’t giving the words enough and he didn’t believe me? Or didn’t understand how important he was? I must have paused for too long thinking because he spoke uncertainly.

“…Something’s wrong isn’t it?”

“No… I-.. I just need you to understand that I care for you and I’m glad we met. I’m sorry I can’t say it well enough. You’re the only reason I survived at all, and I’m grateful for you.”

“Calla. Whatever is wrong, I’ll fix it.”

“You can’t fix it…”

“I can.”

The subtle undertone of worry in his voice made it difficult to breathe, and my eyes stung, “You can’t fix it because the problem is me. I’m useless,” I whispered carefully, trying to control myself.

“That’s not-”

“It is. …I had one purpose, one use: to serve my master and bear him an heir. But I’ve failed.”

“Calla-” he tried, but I cut him off again.

“I lost at Leúchtend when Mathéo defeated me in combat, and I was unable to protect Markos. That is a failure of service and unforgivable in its own right. But it is not the only way I’ve failed him. I’ve never given him an heir. It doesn’t matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can’t make him want me. I disgust him; he never even wants to try with me.”

I took a breath, and Eric waited for me to continue. I think he understood there was nothing he could say, everything I was telling him was undeniably the truth. “It’s supposed to be easy. All of our training said we would fall pregnant right away, likely on the first try. But I didn’t. And I didn’t any of the other times we tried.

I did everything I was supposed to; I tracked my cycles, I ate balanced, and I took the correct vitamins every day. I dressed exactly how he preferred so he would want me but I still-..” It was difficult to say, and the words caught in my throat, “I still failed to give him an heir, which means there must be something wrong with me…”

“There’s nothing wrong with you; they test for infertility, you know that,” he insisted.

“Then they must have tested me wrong because it’s not just Markos.”

Eric paused then, “…What do you mean..?”

“I thought if the problem was Markos, then someone else could get me pregnant, and I would pretend it was his… I can’t count how many I’ve been with…”

“If Markos knew that…”

I laughed humorlessly, “He found out a while back, it didn’t bother him. He doesn’t want me, and he doesn’t care if anyone else has me. The only thing he said was that he wasn’t surprised, that I was just like my mother was; a whore.”

“That doesn’t make you a whore…”

“No?”

“…You’re more like a concubine,” he joked gently and to my surprise, I laughed. I’m not sure where it came from; it must have been the stress, for as I laughed, I cried.

“Thanks,” I mumbled weakly as I wiped the tears off my cheeks with the sleeve of my dress. Eric gestured for me to come to him, and I did, curling up close to his chest in his arms as he continued.

“Besides… There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re beautiful and deadly; there’s nothing Fae like more than that. Falling pregnant is not your sole value, and it never could be. You’re not an incubator. I know that’s what we were taught, but it’s not true. You’re smart and diligent. There’s nothing you’ve failed at. Mathéo only stood a chance against you at all because you had just defeated a dragon, and you did protect Markos. I wish I could show you the human world, then you would understand how wonderful you are. You don’t need to be useful to the Fae; they don’t deserve you. Markos especially doesn’t.”

“The human world doesn’t matter to me. This is my home. I could only ever belong here, and if I’m not useful, then I have no place. I’m not like you; you never had any use, but they kept you regardless, while they kept me simply because I had use… there’s something wrong with me, so I no longer belong here.”

“Why do you keep saying that? It’s not true, Calla… please listen to me-”

“I keep saying it because it’s true! You’re just not listening. I know it’s me because Claire is pregnant with Markos’ child. If the problem was him, how could that be?”

“How did you find out…?”

I frowned slightly, “…You already knew?” I realized when he looked somewhat guilty.

“…Does Markos know?”

“I don’t know…” I mumbled. Why hadn’t Eric told me that he knew?

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll take care of it. She won’t have that child,” he stated firmly.

“There’s nothing you can do, Nathaniel knows, he will tell Markos.”

“I’ll talk to Nathaniel first; he won’t say anything.”

“Even if he listened to you, that still doesn’t stop her being pregnant.”

“…Accidents can happen to pregnant women, and sometimes they lose the child…” he murmured quietly.

I looked up at him, surprised, while he focused away into the forest. His expression was chillingly calm.

“Charles would never forgive you…”

“If you ask me to… I’ll do it. No one but you and I would ever know…”

It felt as though all the air had left me and I couldn’t breathe. What kind of person was I to consider this? What kind of monster would I be if I asked this of him? And what would it do to him to go through with it…? The blood rushing in my ears was almost deafening, and it seemed to grow louder with every heartbeat.

“I- I don’t want you to do anything…” I whispered meekly. Part of me already regretted saying that. Whatever Eric might have thought I couldn’t tell as I continued. “I’m defective; I hold no value and serve no purpose. I want to be put down… There’s no reason to hurt Claire or her child… I’ve accepted my fate.”

He clenched his jaw, and I wondered if I had upset him. Perhaps that wasn’t the choice he wanted me to make. “Calla. Don’t throw yourself away for nothing. Having his child is not your only purpose, and there is nothing wrong with you. Just let me do this for you. You don’t even have to ask; just say nothing, and I’ll understand.”

I realized then that it hurt him to do nothing. He didn’t want to lose me any more than I wanted to lose him. What he didn’t understand was that it would bring me peace to die. “No… It’s okay, I want to go… I never told you this because I thought it was stupid, and maybe you’ll still think it is… But I wanted to be a mother. Even if not with Markos, they must have tested me wrong for it to have never happened in all these years.”

“They didn’t test you wrong, you can have a child if you want… Just not to a Fae…”

“…I don’t understand?” I murmured; he was making no sense.

The silence between us hung thick in the atmosphere before he slowly released the breath he had been holding. “No Fae can get you pregnant…” he reiterated without emotion.

I frowned, confused, “Why would you say that..?”

“Because it’s true.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, and how could you know?” I didn’t think he would lie to me, but I was sure I must have been misunderstanding him.

“I know because I made it so… The day you graduated I wrote a protection spell so that you would never bear any Fae a child…”

I slowly pulled away, and he made no move to stop me. “You-.. you hexed me?”

He nodded ever so slightly, and I sat back from him, slipping off the log to sit on the ground beside it. His confession made no sense. To begin, although we can write spells, and Eric was particularly good at it, he still lacked the magic to activate them, just as I did. So even if he had written such a curse, he could not place it. Could he?

“The Fae never taught us spells like that,” I whispered at last, as I realized he must be lying.

“I didn’t learn it from the Fae…”

“So how did you know how to do it?”

“I just did…”

“Fine. Then who helped you?”

“No one…”

“Someone must have helped you. Nathaniel must have helped you activate it.” That was the only thing that made sense.

“He would never have helped me back then…”

“Then, you’re lying. You’re only saying this to make me reconsider.”

“I’m not… I swear it’s the truth.”

I didn’t want to believe him, but part of me was beginning to understand. It didn’t matter how he had done it; perhaps someone helped him or maybe the magic in his arm allowed it. Either way, he had found a way to do it. Which meant he was the reason any of this had happened. It was his design that I would never carry Markos’s heir, I would never fulfill my purpose—I would never have any use to the Fae because of him. There weren’t any words for it. I felt nauseous even thinking about it; how long has he been lying to me?

“Calla… please say something…”

“…You-… ruined my life…”

“It was to protect you..”

“Protect me? Protect me!? Claire is pregnant, and I am not! I will be put to death while she lives among the Fae!”

“I won’t let anything happen to you. Let me help you…” Eric moved to sit with me again, and I recoiled.

“You want to help me? Reverse it! Undo the spell,” I snapped.

“I can’t…”

“Why not!?”

“Because I left no margin of error! It’s perfect, complete… Irreversible…”

“You always did like to make every spell flawless,” I muttered bitterly.

Anger burned away the tears, I had nothing left to say to him. How could he do this to me? We had been friends for so long—I trusted him completely.

“Please, it wasn’t to hurt you…” he insisted.

“No? Then what was it for, Eric.”

“I told you… To protect you… If you’d have fallen pregnant then you would have been-”

“I would have been what I was supposed to be!”

“You would have aged, and your children would have been monsters!”

“The only monster here now is you. You’re worse than the Fae-” I stopped. There were many more things I wanted to say, but a familiar slight tugging sensation at the edge of my mind alerted me to Markos’s request. He was recalling me to him from wherever I was in a somewhat urgent manner. Perhaps he had found out about Claire. “-I have to go.”

Eric seemed to understand immediately, “Don’t go. If he knows he’ll kill you. Let me talk to Nathaniel before you see Markos.”

“I don’t care.”

“Calla please-”

“No. Even if he isn’t aware yet, I never want to see or speak to you again.”

“This is ridiculous you can’t just-”

“I can. Goodbye, Eric,” I cut him off bluntly as I turned to leave. I didn’t bother to look back to see if he followed or not. It was no longer my concern, and I wouldn’t think about him. That was the promise I made myself.

─── .✦········· ───

Markos summoned me from his office, and the journey back gave me the time I needed to contain my emotions again. When I arrived, my master was sitting in his chair with an almost empty glass of wine in his fingertips. He looked worn out, but not unhinged as I might have expected.

“You called for me?” I announced myself and knelt.

“Yes. It took you some time to get here, were you far?”

“I was in the forest.”

“At this hour?”

“…Yes.”

I thought he might question me further, but he did not, and I supposed he didn’t care. He was sitting with one arm resting on his leg and the other propping him up. The embellishments of his clothes glinted faintly, and he ran a hand back through his hair. That was an automatic reaction he did when he was uncertain or thinking too hard about something.

“That’s fine. It’s fortunate you’re still awake. We need to talk.”

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