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Discussion thread: Paternology (FATHERHOOD) is published! (Patreon)

Published:
2026-06-10 23:35:08
Imported:
2026-06

Content

*This episode is published and ready to hear wherever you get podcasts. Let's talk about it.*

Dad bods. Modern fatherhood. Ancient pops. Division of labor. Hormonal changes. Seahorses. Dad jokes. Shitty dads. Good ones. And why it matters.

Lauded USC research psychologist Dr. Darby Saxbe, who wrote the brand new book "Dad Brain," chats all about it. Her work is changing the world, one father at a time.

Have you listened? Let's talk about it below, kiddos.

High fives,

Your Internet Daddylady, Alison Ward

Files

Paternology (FATHERHOOD) with Dr. Darby Saxbe - alie ward

DADS. What makes a good one? What if you had a bad one? And how can fatherhood turn the tides on toxic masculinity? Also: diapers. The brilliant USC research psychologist, fatherhood expert and thus Paternologist. Dr. Darby Saxbe covers everything from prehistoric family systems to social

Comments

Focus Shift

This episode couldn't have come at a better time! About to become a father in the next handful of weeks and I'm freaking out a bit. Excited but stressed, and this episode had a lot of good food for thought.

Moth

I had a thought after listening to this ep. It mentions parents loosing grey matter after their baby is born and that this could be a pruning process, making the brain more efficient; and I wondered if this could mean a reduction in symptoms for Autistic and ADHD parents as it’s thought neurodivergent people don’t go through the same pruning process as children that neurotypical people do. Or do neurodivergent people not going through this grey matter loss/pruning when they have children either? 🤔

Lillian Rolfe

I loved this episode. My husband and I have three kids (23, 20 and 14) and two are autistic and all three have ADHD. They got the ADHD from me but the autism was a bit of a mystery. Until my husbands brother had a child diagnosed with autism and then had a second child who was diagnosed. We were on a walk one evening and my husband told me he felt like he may be autistic too. And suddenly…..our whole marriage made a lot more sense. I adore him but this helped give more insight into his little quirks. We both had excellent, engaged fathers for which we are both thankful.

peach head

I realpy like the depiction of Greg as a dad of Steven Universe. He lives in a Van and owns a carwash and doesn't show the traditional image of being stable and accomplished. But he's caring, sweet and open minded. He's teaching Steven great values and is very present.

Alie Ward

Have y'all found ways to help each other -- or yourselves -- cope with the overstimulation or the executive function it takes? Would love to hear any tips so other listeners might pick up some advice!

Alie Ward

Oooooh, that's so interesting!!! I wonder if Darby's research will be able to head that direction int he future! She is on BlueSky so you can always reach out; I'm sure she'd love this question!

Alie Ward

AAAH, exciting for you! Right around Father's Day, too! Highly recommend her book, Dad Brain!

nanosphere05

Can we get an ad free version for patrons?

Susan Lin

Is anyone else having issues with this on Apple Podcasts? The audio file keeps skipping and repeating despite the time signature acting correctly so it's very odd. Never had issues before?

Hilda Z.

I think losing the gray matter caused me to not care so much about what people think! 😂 I literally didn’t have it in me to care!

Lillian Rolfe

The biggest help for me was understanding a reason for a certain behavior. That didn’t mean an excuse, but understanding why helped reframe things (which helped me keep calm, when say the three year old….now 14….would have a massive melt down when we said grace before a meal too fast, or we came down the stairs in the “wrong” order, or we drove to the store a slightly different way.). Anxiety. It’s always anxiety. And that anxiety stems from trying to make sense of a world that you don’t automatically understand. Allowing everyone the space they need to regulate while also challenging them to be uncomfortable for growth (my husband included) has been the most useful practice. Our oldest (23) is independent and working in her field (she has her degree in bio/zoology and works at an aquarium) and our youngest (almost 15) is on his way to do the same, thanks to an excellent public school system and his IEP (something his big sister didn’t need. She had a 504). And scaffolding. There is a lot of breaking down big tasks into smaller ones.

Andrew Piechocki

I wonder how fostering/adopting affects the brain. Are there similar changes?

Keerat Singh

I was excited to see this topic covered, as you mention in the episode, fatherhood is a complex topic and one that has evolved a lot recently, and it's good to hear from a researcher who acknowledges that in the direction and scope of their research. Also, I wanted to say, I think you did a good job of focusing on the topic, I know this is could become suchhhh a minefield if you let it

Christine Hurley

lol def def def not a reduction in symptoms. i think having children is the final catalyst for a lot of neurodivergent parents before they're late-diagnosed. having children made my symptoms impossible to ignore any longer, masking and coping skills no longer worked.

Ben

I'm excited to read Dad Brain, and I'm hoping it can provide more information for advocating for fatherhood to men. One thing that I've noticed about discussions related to fatherhood and male parenting is it is often discussed as a supplementary role, as though men are there to support the women who are the primary parents. Obviously women are still considered the primary parents in most societies but shouldn't the goal be for half of all primary parents to be men? To put this into context imagine that when we talked about women having careers we constantly emphasized how women need to participate more in the work place in order to support the men who are already there. We live in a sexist society so in all likelihood many women don't have to imagine but instead remember being spoken to that way with regards to work. My point is that the goal isn't for women to join the workplace to support men, but to support themselves, and I believe the same is true for men in parenting and other caregiving roles. I'm hoping the book digs into the benefits men experience from being fathers, because I think that is a selling point for the role. While it is great that women's lives can be made easier by men leaning in to parenting, I don't think that should be the primary goal, instead we should embrace fatherhood for our own sakes, in much the same way many women have embraced having careers as part of their self-actualization.

Jeanette-o-saur

Mine did that on my desktop version of pocket casts. I thought it was just a glitchy app day though because it only happened for the one episode