I'm sorry (Patreon)

 Hi.  It's been a while.  I don't feel comfortable or safe talking about why I haven't posted in a couple months.  I know that may make some people angry, and I understand why---but I hope there are those of you who can understand that sometimes self preservation (emotional and physical) is necessary, and it's not always simple.  I haven't known how to address things that have happened, and I have been truly scared to post.  Devoting so much of yourself, your time, your money, and your life as a whole to something that you are then fearful of (for multiple reasons) is a terrible, debilitating experience.  The guilt that comes with not knowing how to rescue yourself, and the subsequent self loathing is something I have never had to process before.  I would like to think that one day in the future I will be able to talk to you all about this time in my life, but until then, I ask for your forgiveness through these words.  For the last 4 years, creating has been my joy, and it's my passion.  It's what I feel like I am supposed to do, and I have done everything in my power to explore and innovate ASMR, and I am so proud of what we've accomplished together.  We've helped pioneer a genre that is only getting started, and changing people's lives (creator and viewer alike).  I recently watched two videos I made on my blooper channel where I talked to viewers on Omegle.  While watching, I was bawling---but in a good way.  They made me realize that my love of creating, my original desire to help, and the joy you all give me is more compelling than the awful things that I've been trying to navigate.  I miss you.  I really fricken miss you.  4 years ago, I felt an explainable urge to make an ASMR video when the genre was still in its infancy, and it started something I never saw coming---but it was something that ultimately became what I feel is my calling.  Watching those Omegle videos of some of the wonderful people that I have poured my life into in order to try to help and entertain, made me feel that urge again. I never stopped working on content. I bought a new crazy good camera to film with, and I've started some groundbreaking projects within the ASMR genre (some that I am not yet allowed to discuss because of NDAs) while I've been absent.  If you will have me, I'd like to start sharing with you all once more. I am still going to be scared, things are not 100% okay, and it may take me a while to get back up to work horse posting pace, but I think being with you all again might be part of the path to get there.  I'd like to start streaming as well, so that we can interact more (without as much typing, cause responding to literally hundreds of thousands of comments over the years has killed my hands/wrists) and play games together.  I am also changing one of the rewards on Patreon from a private subreddit to a private discord where we can chat in person regularly.  I can't make a video about this.  I won't be able to do it without crying.  I can't even type it without crying.  I've felt for so long that I don't deserve you.  I hope you know that.  I've never stopped feeling indebted to you.  Ever.  I have so many things to be thankful to you for.  Your kindness, your support, your love, and your faith in my devotion to ASMR.  I will do my best to show my gratitude through my content and actions as much as possible.  But right now I want to thank you for helping me find me again.  See you soon.  <3  I will be streaming here in the future: https://mixer.com/heatherfeatherI will be sending all active Patrons who donate $10 or more a month an invitation to the private discord.  Discord is sort of similar to reddit in that you can type, but it also allows us to voice chat! PS.  I usually am nervous with chatting until I get used to it, so please be patient with my nervous giggling.  I can't help it.    To make up for the missed hangouts, all active patrons who are $100 or more are invited to weekly private hangouts through July and August, every Friday at 5pm EST.