One Shot Wednesday: A Late Night Lament (Patreon)

I should have written a one-shot but things didn't pan out that way. Instead, I'm stuck in this moment of lamentation tonight so I figured I'd put those thoughts down into words outside of my head space. It'll be a bit poetic I suppose.

Whatever happened to my joy? That excited feeling; that burst of warmth when I thought about writing? Thought about my stories? I used to be in love with writing and storytelling and being an author. Now it's work in this relationship. I don't like it. I want that 'honeymoon phase' or whatever back. I want to be happy and excited and passionate. I want to look forward to putting down a new scene!But no: some days it makes me feel almost sad to be writing. Is it the projects I'm working on that don't spark the true happiness that the past ones did?Is it because I'm trying to stick to a schedule and place my work on public and somewhat professional display?It's a combo of the above, I'm sure, and the two other factors of my head telling me no one cares and my mind knowing that few people care. I'm not ungrateful for those that do care but I'm a little beyond feeling done with the shift in society. Or maybe it's just the shift in me?I'm sure if I gathered the evidence though it's not just me. I've seen social media posts about creative people feeling the shift away from people never commenting, rarely reblogging or liking a piece of work. And to be blunt and excuse my French I'm fucking tired of it. My Patrons are lovely people and leave me nice messages and I thank them for it <3 But the posts I put out to promote my work and share it with others outside of this site get 0 interaction. Maybe 1 like every 3-4 months. Never any comments. Maybe a reblog every 6 months from someone other than me. It's bullshit and I'm sorry to sound like I'm complaining and angry but I am angry. I feel tired of taking the time to cross post things to get no interaction other than a traffic graph to go up which tells me absolutely nothing except to feed the impostor syndrome and tell me 'well people click but they don't finish reading coz it's crap so they don't leave a note why should they bother?' And when I'm already feeling like I'm not as good a writer as I once was in the past well this definitely feeds into that self-hatred. And the fact that I can't seem to fully get off that fence of 'am I good or not' throws my perspective out of whack. Some days I write and it's fine and I'm happy and excited to post a chapter or a one-shot and then other days I'm like 'yeah you're wasting your time. Take time off and start over with a new project once you're more confident and capable of writing something worthwhile.' It doesn't help too that my focus and concentration have changed the last few years as well. I have a much harder time with it and especially because of the way my household is at the moment. Honestly the only time I've felt good about myself, my habits and my writing in the last 5 months was when I was staying over at a friend's for just over a week to house sit for her and I had literal silence surrounding me. And I know we all want what we don't have and if I was secluded 24/7 I'd get lonely. I get it.It's just the last few years of my life especially since moving back from London have felt so unsettled. I've not held the same job for over a year, for one, and in trying to find a niche and path there I've felt so lost like I'm in a whirlpool and sometimes I'm dizzy and sometimes I let the current take me along. But I know in the end if I don't get out I'm going to be sucked into the middle and drown. I just have no idea where else to go other than to stay in the whirlpool I don't see an island nearby to rest and plant my two feet on, I don't see a boat to sail with, I don't see calm water... And part of this is my own fault as I feel I'm not casting my eyes wide enough or looking up at all some days... And when I start to feel this way; this criticism and frustration with myself I get even worse; the whirlpool seems to go a bit faster. I know what I want to do with my life but my life doesn't know how to fulfill me to get there and I'm a terrible procrastinator who is afraid of change. I need to put my whole self into it but I haven't, most days.This Patreon was meant for me to start finding myself some motivation to keep up the path to my dreams while also gaining a following of fans and supporters of my work in writing and becoming an author. And it's a very tough job at the moment for very little return of motivation and support for the cost of time and effort.I don't want to quit my Patreon; not truly. Like for heaven sakes I just bought a bunch of professional grade cards and stationery for use on this blog and my rewards to Patrons and followers. But tonight I guess I just am in a rut and I feel like I should put everything on pause and friggen sort my life out outside of Patreon instead one thing at a time. And that too I don't want to do either. Emotionally I can't stay on a straight path.So, all that said, all that off my chest... I'm posting and getting some sleep because that'll probably reset me and these roller coaster emotions and thoughts.Goodnight, screen. Goodnight world. Goodnight universe. We'll try again tomorrow.-B