The Weird Funeral Details (Patreon)

I want to preface this by saying I am not a raging atheist. I’m agnostic and very normal about it. If someone has religious beliefs I don’t look down on them so long as it doesn’t consume their life and personality and the way they treat others.

Just want that out of the way so that when I go on about this weird fucking pastor you know it isn’t coming from an enlightened redditor fedoralord perspective.

Please be respectful of that and don’t shit on religion as a whole in my comments here. Keep it focused on the weird dude.

Below is a copy paste of the whole thing I sent to a few friends with a few expanded sections, it’s… quite the story.

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So like my family is Catholic, I expected there to be some religious weirdness. Apparently the pastor was a family friend who my grandparents had let stay in their home during a pilgrimage or w/e. He’s young looking, I’d guess he was 35-40. Really huge youth pastor vibes.

I could’ve put up with him if he was tasteful. Kept it to simple religious shit.

He was not tasteful. He did not keep it simple.

On top of having an extremely weird manner of speech where he enunciated random words, he brought up weird fucking tangents like asking my grandma how surprised she was back in the day to find out her womb had another child or some shit, idr actual phrasing but their was a weird amount of womb talk that amounted to ‘were you surprised to have a baby inside your fertile womb after your husband nutted inside you’? Like at least two minutes spent on this weird tangent with my grandma.

He barely talked about my aunt. Like. At all. And the tone of the entire thing was proselytizing, not somber or comforting. It felt like he was trying to give a sermon and not a funeral speech. He was stupidly upbeat and happy the entire speech and like it was legitimate 95% God 5% my aunt and even the funeral director looked visibly annoyed at this guy after he went off on a completely unprompted rant about original sin and how none of us are perfect.

(I said I’m not a raging atheist but I am vehemently against the concept of original sin, so this was the only real redditor anger I had the entire time and I’ll own up to it)

I don’t remember exact phrasing but he did sneak in a comment about the faithless and how they won’t enjoy heaven or whatever the fuck, too.

I was also extremely annoyed that he said my aunt lived a more full life in 45 years than most people got to and I know you say shit like that to make the family happy but no. She was bedridden for like 7 years, in and out of hospital, had all her toes taken off, a few fingers I think, and so on. She did not have a full and happy life and almost nothing was said about how strong she was for that. I guess that part might just come down to me. I understand the need to say comforting shit like that but I wished it would’ve respected her struggles more.

Another funny thing is I think he was 100% adlibbing the entire thing as he went along. He tried to teach everyone the ‘ABCs’ of grief but completely dropped the subject before getting to C…

Also the entire time another one of my aunts had a fucken 3 year old messing around on an iPad and it was just unintentional comedic gold. Like the immediate family had all just been taken to a room for a private prayer or something and there’s just a brainless iPad kid playing some loud app and I’m supposed to not laugh at this somehow.

And when we went to the cemetery it became 100% god as he exclusively referred to my aunt as ‘this body’ and ‘it’ about how it’ll be reanimated upon judgment day etc. He didn’t use her name a single time during that part of the ceremony or talk about her at all.

And of course the brainless iPad kid went and sat on top of someone’s headstone during this and no one stopped him.

It’s really hard to overstate how weird this dude was, it felt like an extended Tim and Eric sketch irl but apparently my grandparents fucking love this guy while me and my sister had to literally pretend we were crying to cover up how hard we were laughing at this fucking alien trying to approximate human speech.

There was just so much weird shit I can’t even remember it all. Angela and my sister say he kept pronouncing the word ‘reality’ as ‘REAL-UH-TAYYY’ like Eric Cartman saying ‘authority” and I guess I was so zoned out that that one didn’t even register.

It ruined any fucking closure I was remotely supposed to get from this and now I get to look back at my favorite aunt’s funeral as a fucking freakshow rather than the remembrance it should’ve been for the rest of my fucking life lol