life update : not doing well (Patreon)

my mental health since the beginning of 2021 has been declining rapidly as a result of significant and constant stress, and its affecting not only my work but personal life as well.

where i live everything is very spread out and near impossible to travel without a car. this results in fewer available job options, so this coupled with failing interviews due to being neurodivergent, i am forced to pursue a career fulltime as a creator and it has been nothing short of grueling. it is actually affecting my ability to create due to chronic stress and depression.

i am hardly eating because any scrap of money made from music i must put most away to pay for taxes and living costs. i only ever grocery shop once every month after bandcamp friday. my mental health has suffered so greatly from stress that i have become detached and depersonalized from myself, reality is such a blur rn. i am also withdrawing from friends or people who know me because this state of despair and stress has made me want to hide myself for fear of judgement, other times from just mental exhaustion.

to say i am envious of artists who are in a better position to fund their career is an understatement. right now i am fighting to stay afloat and have a roof over my head and to have to overwork to produce music all the time is causing me heavy bouts of burnout and lack of inspiration. it has also fueled this negative feedback loop of self-blame and what other self-destructive bad habits that noise brings.

yes i have insurance and have been seeing a professional but those people cannot help the reality that i am facing and that is financial instability and chronic stress. all i want is to be able to create and live comfortably - not even rich or famous - just be able to cover bills and not be under stress constantly enough to be happy and inspired. its getting really difficult and i havent left bed today. i'm gonna keep going i guess and whathaveyou but idk i felt i needed to get this out because it has been how my 2021 is unraveling.

love everyone.