The Complex Case of SnorpForce (Patreon)

Colgate’s latest dental hygiene technology has taken the market by storm, but what are the economic and ethical ramifications of these revolutionary new toothbrushes? The Guardian’s Morburt Sosage reports.

Ever since Colgate® unleashed their new line of toothbrushes in late February of 2032, the global dental service industry has been thrown into complete chaos. In the last quarter alone Colgate’s stock value has increased by 54%, an unprecedented period of value increase for the formerly consistent but otherwise unremarkable dental hygiene tycoon, while other areas of the economy have collapsed into complete unviability.

Of course, it takes no economic expertise to see the shockwaves that the PerfectBrush™ series has sent throughout the healthcare industry and beyond, all thanks to its new staggering SnorpForce™ technology.

“SnorpForce, if the initial reports are to be believed, is potentially the single greatest leap forward in the space of dental medicine since the widespread normalization of toothbrushes themselves in the 1930s” says Brett Boxner of the Department of Dentistry in Massachusetts. “Colgate’s data suggests cavities themselves become a thing of the past, so long as the average consumer uses a  SnorpForce compatible toothbrush once a day. The longterm adaptive synchronization network feature may even reduce need for braces, wisdom teeth removal, and root canals."

After a long pause, Boxner's voice becomes quiet on the phone. "Every dentist I know is flabbergasted. And slightly panicked.”

The previously stupefying secrecy surrounding research and development on SnorpForce™ technology has turned out highly sensical.

When the prestigious PerfectBrush™ project was announced back in 2027, it was was subject to a variety of internet memes and viral tweets, mocking the gravitas of the initial Colgate conference.

“I have become convinced that SnorpForce is the reason I was put on this Earth,” said Thomas Mop then, “I have never been a religious man, but seeing the potential of this technology, I thank God for what is to come."

*Thomas Mop Voice* I have invented a toothpaste that cures cancer. Please clap. mocked a popular tweet shortly following the initial statement. A picture of Mop with tears in his eyes became a ubiquitous “reaction image”, often used to express sarcastic, overblown emotion at innocuous or mundane facts.

But no one is laughing now. Just last month Mop finally cracked the top 10 on the Forbes Billionaires index, outpaced only by magnates like Elon Musk, JoJo Siwa and the recent controversial “Immortal Cyborg" prototype of Warren Buffet.

Mop has pledged to donate 50% of his newfound fortune to forge partnerships with foreign governments to get Colgate’s new product on international shelves. “I only want the healing and protective properties of SnorpForce to be available to all. This is more than a product. This is a gift to humanity.”

But to some, these proclamations of benevolence ring hollow. The secrets behind SnorpForce have been closely guarded, inciting suspicion, as well as accusations of profiteering and manufactured exclusivity. Although FDA approved (and emphatically endorsed by President-Elect Ocasio-Cortez), the necessary governmental verification of the technology's safety and efficacy remains bound by extremely strict non-disclosure agreements.

“Only I can deliver humanity to its dental destiny.” Mop insisted once more in his latest interview on the BBC. “The government cannot be trusted with your teeth. Only I, Thomas Mop, can be trusted with your teeth.”

While Mop has garnered ravenous popularity and has inspired a fresh surge of faith in private sector market solutions, he has also become the target of widespread criticism for his close-to-the-chest business philosophy. Even as PerfectBrush toothbrushes sell by the tens of millions throughout North America, dental experts and health professionals still do not know how SnorpForce™ actually works.

“The results are there, that’s absolutely clear,” says Dr. Anthony Fauci (from his new exoskeleton, unsteady but certain), "but if Colgate really cares about the American public, they must open source this technology so the results can be replicated for the health of all humanity."

Mop maintains the SnorpForce formula is protected under such impenetrable security because of his staunch belief in the power of the free market as well as his increasingly intense prophetic dreams.

Skeptics of Mop’s supposed altruism are quick to point to how Colgate’s business strategy has already run their primary competitors (Crest® and Sensodyne®) close to bankrupt in a matter of mere months. Perhaps it’s only a matter of time before competitors catch up, but since their continued survival is completely contingent on their ability to replicate SnorpForce it may be years before anyone comes remotely close to toppling Colgate’s new monopoly.

The trade secret became a pivotal political issue in the 62nd presidential election, as senator Ocasio-Cortez and Donald Trump Jr. clashed repeatedly over Thomas Mop's right to his intellectual property. Representatives of the American Democratic Party fervently vouched for government intervention, but have since been rebuffed by President-Elect Ocasio-Cortez, who has rapidly dialled back the scope of her campaign promises after being confirmed by the electoral college.

“Americans remain deeply divided about what ought to exist the public sector and what must remain private.” Ocasio-Cortez stated diplomatically during her 1246th appearance on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, “It is a difficult line to walk between respecting the private intellectual property of Thomas Mop and ensuring that SnorpForce is available to all Americans. However, so far, Mr. Mop’s interests appear aligned with the interests of the public.”

In a moment of unexpected bipartisan harmony, Elon Musk praised Ocasio-Cortez’s remarks in his weekly broadcast to investors from Mars. “I believe an innovator like Thomas Mop should be allowed to push his product as fast as he can at this point. Jumping through the hurdles of regulation is no easy feat, but he’s done it. I’m glad the new president will be on his side and I sincerely wish him the best.”

As it stands, the PerfectBrush series and SnorpForce technology in general is poised to spread across the globe with the full endorsement of the United States government. However, the consequences of Mop's momentum will reach much farther than partisan politics.

Dentists and dental surgeons are expressing heightened anxiety for their job security as dental hygiene standards are skyrocketing. Unable to compete with or even explain SnorpForce, they are finding the long term viability of their professions in peril.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” says Bartleby Middleburrogh, a dentist from Omaha Nebraska. “I don’t know how I’m going to feed my family.”

"I smell the divine, the ceaseless flow is finally coming to an end." As Thomas Mop once more speaks on the verge of tears at SXSW32, one gets the distinct sense there will be no tweets of mockery this time. "I can see where it ends. It is a good place. Only the darkness will burn."

Whatever the next era brings, this reporter can personally attest that the PerfectBrush experience leaves you with a minty freshness, and by all accounts, SnorpForce is here to stay.

Morburt Sosage is a Chicago based investigative reporter known for pieces such as “Bionic Buffett” (2028) and “The Rise of JoJo Siwa’s Empire” (2030), as well as author of several mystery novels and father of two.