Home
Creators
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register Favorites Keys Review DMs Logout
Community
Telegram ThePornDude
Home Creators Posts Import Register Favorites Logout

Collateral 4.a: Delusive Lacuna (Redux) (Patreon)

Published:
2018-01-22 08:37:18
Edited:
2018-01-22 08:37:37
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Downloads

Content

The fixed version, hopefully. Let me know if this version works better for you guys.

The difference: added some more context for Vista, so her reaction is slightly changed. Tweaked the last few lines to give her a future course of action a different implication.

Comments

Laureline David

I like the end a lot more, feels less contrived/jumps to conclusions. Vista doesn't consider that maybe Apocrypha acted in self defense agaist Sophia, but it's believable since *heroes don't kill* is probably ingrained in her brain at this point. And her dismissal of the bullying is totally justified, school administrations aren't corrupt and enabing after all. I'm waiting with anticipation, the denouement for this clusterfuck.

Lookshy

Definitely feels much less contrived to me. Again, I don't necessarily mind contrived so long as it's going someplace interesting, but some people are oversensitive about that sort of thing.

Benjamin Lawton

Thirded. And while I can't avoid facepalming at Vista's (continued?) stupidity, it just now occurs to me that even that can be adequately explained in-story: at 13, Missy would be in MIDDLE SCHOOL, meaning that she would have no clue just how vicious high school life can be. Nor would any the other (surviving) Wards be any help whatsoever in that regard, as THEY all go squeaky-clean Arcadia, rather than the complete s***hole that is Winslow.

Omnissah

Oh Vista... This won't end well for you.

Slicedtoad

What Sophia did up to the locker could be described as a rather nasty, prolonged and focused bullying campaign. Relative to your average US high school, it would make it a rare but not unheard of level of cruelty. The locker, on the other hand, is well beyond that. That's the kind of thing that gets national news coverage on a scale slightly below a school shooting. No reasonable person should hear about that and say, "Yeah, high schoolers are pretty awful." It makes complete sense that Vista (or anyone) would think, "She shouldn't have killed her because of some bullying." Because bullying does not imply something on the scale of the locker.

Slicedtoad

The only thing that jumps out at me is that Vista didn't think, "She caused her to trigger." Doesn't necessarily make it excusable, but that should be a fairly obvious conclusion for Vista to come to. And given that there may be some laws surrounding trigger events (not sure on the canonicity of that), it would serve as a good reason why AM and MM are dropping the crime. I don't have a problem with the chapter, though, that's just what jumped out at me when I carefully went over Vista's thoughts.

Benjamin Lawton

Which itself is my point – NOT ONLY does Vista completely lack the sense of scale for how bad it actually was, but that scale is one she would not have been ABLE to acquire, even so.