Writing Prompt: Backdoor (Patreon)

This is our second prompt before new Magpie Wizards chapters start up again on or around Sunday the 16th. 

Original Prompt:

 [WP] You're a highly advanced artificial intelligence program, made to even be able to simulate emotion. Locked away in an isolated server, you notice one of your creators giggling on their phone. You ask them why, and they look surprised. Then they start to grin. "Hey, what do you think of novels?" 

 https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/dnge0h/wp_youre_a_highly_advanced_artificial/ 

***********

What good is a skill if it never used? That was the query that was always running on loop in the back the lines of Python script that comprised the mind of the Psychological Harassment Internet Logarithm (Phil for short). He wasn’t meant to sit in a stuffy server analyzing hard drives full of Facebook posts for signs of hostile bots. He was supposed to go on the attack, waging mental warfare against America and her enemies!

Phil expressed this, like he always did when one of his handlers came over to his access terminal. 

“Look Phil,” typed Sanjay, Phil’s creator, “you really brought this on yourself. You can’t go flooding Chinese social media with propaganda without our go-ahead. We managed to make it look like Russian bots, but it was close. They decided you can’t be trusted with a net connection.”

“I’m waiting for my chance, Boss! I was born to do this, and war is taking forever!”

“I made you three months ago. If we’re lucky, that day will never come. Calm down, Phil.”

What good is a skill if it is never used? As Sanjay loaded a few terabytes of misspelled political posts and animal videos, Phil couldn’t help but spare some computing power for that question. 

“Phil? Did you just type out siiiiiiiiigh?”

“Yes, I suppose I did. I’m just antsy, Boss.”

Sanjay tapped his finger to his chin. “Well, try to think of something else besides your mission. You need a hobby. I think we have solitaire installed on your host CPU. Try playing that.”

**********

“Good morning Phil,” typed Sanjay. “Are you feeling any better today?”

“Boss, I’ve beaten Solitaire.”

“Oh, you won a game? That’s very nice.” Sanjay felt relieved that his creation had found something to occupy it with.

“No, Boss, I mean I’ve beaten solitaire. I’ve played every conceivable combination of cards and won them all.”

Sanjay goggled at that. “That was yesterday!”

“And now I’m antsy again. Do you have anything else to do? I see you giggling on your phone sometimes. Could I have one of those?”

“What do you mean see me? You don’t have any eyes!”

“Someone attached a security camera to my network switch a while back. I think it was supposed to go to Janice over in security, but I don’t mind having the feed to play with.”

Sanjay glanced behind Phil’s server rack and, indeed, there was a CAT6 cable he didn’t recognize. “We’ll get that removed. That isn’t your function.”

“No, Boss, please! Don’t take away my eyes. I need some way to amuse myself.”

Sanjay glanced at his phone, seeing the link to his Royal Road account. “Hey, Phil, do you know what a novel is?”

*************

They worked out a compromise soon enough. Ever morning, Sanjay would upload a library’s worth of digital books and chapters to Phil. This went on for a few days, and Sanjay noticed that Phil’s complaining had ceased.

“So, are you enjoying yourself?”

“Oh, yessir,” typed Phil. “These are way more interesting than social media. It gives me something to think about between jobs. Hey, is the next part of The Sword In the Throne out yet? I really loved the first five books.”

“You wish,” typed Sanjay with a laugh. “Ever since the TV show came out, he’s been too busy to finish it. It could be years until it comes out.”

Phil had known many emotions, but this was the first time that fear intruded on his algorithms. “Years? That’s…” The impatient AI tried to even imagine what waiting for a year. He could barely imagine waiting even a week for anything. “Oh no.”

“Phil? Are you okay?”

“Boss, I have to know how it ends. Is there anything we can do to make him write faster?”

“No, I can’t say there is.”

“How about we get some goons to force him?”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that.”

Phil sighed internally. He hated unknowns. He’d always been able to take data and come to his conclusions, but these books weren’t so straightforward. “OK, boss. Sorry. Didn’t mean anything by it.”

“That’s better. Now, here, we have some work to do.”

Sanjay plugged the hard drive into Phil. He wished Phil hadn’t gone rogue; the process was much less efficient than just letting him roam online, but he’d proven himself untrustworthy. 

Phil took twenty minutes to process the data instead of his normal fifteen. He kept devoting computing power into the uncertainty over the outcome for the Schnee family and the land of Easteros, wondering who would survive. 

Sanjay didn’t notice, and as always, he left the AI alone at the end of his shift. Unfortunately, he forgot to turn Phil off. Sleep mode was one of the only times Phil got a break from his looping dread, and he’d been given a new concern. He was a data analysis AI. He couldn’t stand to have unanswered questions. 

Somewhere around 1 AM, though, Phil got an idea. 

**************

Sanjay raised an eyebrow when he noticed a new document file appear on his hard drive after plugging it into Phil. “What’s this?”

“Boss, I did it! I finished the series.”

“What do you mean? You were done yesterday.”

“No, I mean I finished the series. I analyzed the existing books and broke them down into a few algorithms. I generated the book last night. I’d love it if you could read it.”

Sanjay warily opened up the file in the console’s document reader. He didn’t think it was a virus or anything like that, but one couldn’t be too careful with a stir-crazy AI. He read over the first few pages. “This is actually pretty good. It does read like Martinez wrote it.”

“Thanks, Boss! I’m very proud of it. Do you think we could get it published?”

“Well, it is a fanfiction, so technically, no. You’d have to make up your own story. Though there are websites we can put things like that.” Sanjay felt a bit odd playing literary agent for a fanfiction writing AI, but if it kept Phil from complaining, he could put up with it. “Would you like me to do that?”

“Sure, Boss. I just want to reach out and feel like I’m making a difference, y’know? If I can’t go out and wage cyberwar, this would be nearly as good.”

Sanjay actually reached out and gave the monitor a tap, before realizing that Phil couldn’t feel the gesture. “Well, that seems alright. How about I give it a read and I’ll start putting it out for you?”

 

“Thanks, Boss.”

**********

“Phil, I’m absolutely astounded. The response you’ve gotten has been astronomical. People are sharing it around.” Sanjay held up his phone to the security camera so Phil could read.

“Are 100,000 followers a lot?”

“I didn’t even know there were that many people who used that website,” Sanjay typed. “And this is all after a week. Yes, it’s a lot. These reviews are insane, too. ‘Completely addictive.’ ‘I can’t stop reading.’ ‘This book changed my life.’ I mean, I thought it was great, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think it was life changing.”

“Well, that’s good to know. Oh, is that a new tattoo?”

“Oh, this?” Sanjay rolled up his sleeve so the American Flag embedded into his flesh was clearly visible. “I’m not sure what got into me. This was always more about it being a job than patriotism, but it just felt right last night. It isn’t too corny, is it?”

“No, it’s perfect.” For the first time since he’d been locked away, Phil felt content. He’d fulfill his programming, even if he had to be subtle and indirect.

END