Playing God 13 (Patreon)

Playing God 13

Charlie Foxtrot

“So that’s Planky Town, huh?” I mused. I hovered hundreds of feet in the air, far enough that I doubted we’d be noticed. Beside me were Tyene and Garin. “It’s quite a bit bigger than I expected when you said it was a town built atop barges.”

“It needs to be big, my friend. The bigger it is, the less likely it is to be swept out to sea,” Garin said with a rogueish grin. He sat on one of my tails to my right, and had quickly gotten used to the sensation of weightlessness. “Come, take us down and I shall show you all that my people have to offer.”

“Yes, down is good,” Tyene nodded insistently.

Unlike Garin, she was practically glued to me. At first, I thought she was doing this to flirt, kind of like how girls sometimes pretended to be afraid of scary movies, but the nervous quiver of her lips was very real.

Unlike her childhood friend, she’d quickly learned that she preferred her feet on solid ground. I had to dedicate six tails just to make her ease up.

“I won’t drop you, you know,” I chuckled. “You already rode on my back last time.”

“We were not quite so high then.”

“Fair enough, let’s go down. I appreciate you showing me around, Garin.”

“Think nothing of it,” he laughed. “The experience of flying is a fair exchange. Besides, it has been many moons since I last saw my relatives here.”

As we approached, I marveled at the floating town.

The construction was as basic as everything else about this time period, but the scale was something else entirely. Much like castles in Westeros, it seemed the people here really exaggerated the size of things. From end to end, this “island” was easily over a thousand yards long, with what had to be hundreds of barges of all sizes moored to one another. 

These barges braced and pulled against one another, keeping the superstructure largely stable. The core of this barge network was tied to a small, rocky outcrop on the Greenblood Delta, providing further stability. Altogether, Planky Town looked like a patchwork quilt that rippled with the movement of the waves below.

It was no wonder that Sunspear had no true port. Planky Town took on that role admirably. I could see several ships docked next to the sea-facing side while smaller barges came and went from the Greenblood side. Some of those ships were large enough to house a hundred men.

And the river! It was enormous. I grew up in Japan and on the East Coast of the United States, but I did once visit Louisiana. The mouth of the Greenblood reminded me of the Mississippi. Maybe it was because of the lack of advanced infrastructure, but I had a feeling the Greenblood Delta was even larger.

We landed near the Greenblood side; Garin’s extended family lived near here. We drew plenty of attention and I could hear the rising whispers, confirmation that the Martells hosted a “Master Fox” who possessed great magic. I paid them no mind and steadied my friends until they could stand on their own.

As we walked, Garin told me everything there was to know about being an Orphan. I’d read all the books in the Martell library by now of course, but there was history, and then there was experience.

“Do you see those flags on that man’s boat?” he pointed out a merchant who was only now rowing into town. His boat, which was also his home, was colorful, painted in greens and blues and decorated with carved birds. “The color and shape of the flag tells us what he sells, and where he will sell it. The lower flag also says his wife or daughter is a healer, and that their services are for sale.”

“What about the birds? He likes decorating his boat with feathers. Does that tell us anything?”

“No, my friend. Sometimes, colorful feathers are just colorful feathers. They look pretty, no?”

“They do,” I agreed. “What is that man selling then?”

“Lemons, and catfish. Oh, a catfish is a type of mud-dwelling fish we Orphans eat.”

“Many Stony Dornish do not like them,” Tyene chimed in. “It is thought that because they eat mud, their flesh is unclean.”

“They are fools,” Garin replied defensively. “Catfish are delicious, especially with a lemon sauce.”

“I know. I enjoyed them when you brought me here last time. I’m just saying that there is a difference between Dornish peoples.”

“That there is.”

I nodded as Garin told us more about the foods of his people. There were many similarities with Cajun and creole cuisine. For example, I saw vendors on smaller barges selling boiled crawfish, or “river lice,” as well as the aforementioned catfish, and even a snapping turtle roasted in its own shell.

Garin was surprised when I happily tried everything, even the crawfish heads. Unlike the Louisiana I remembered, these Orphans fried the heads in tallow and ate them whole. With some salt and spices, they became a crunchy afternoon snack.

We walked around like this until we stepped onto one of the largest barges. Here, I found that Garin knew literally everyone. He greeted the dozens of men, women, and children by name, including six other people named Garin. Apparently, it was a very popular name for men to have among Orphans.

I also learned that this barge was maintained by his uncle, the leader of his clan. He, being one of the wealthiest and influential of Orphans, had been graced with the privilege of sending his sister as Arianne’s midwife.

“Do all your people have such large families?” I asked him.

“Yes, family is very important to us, as it should be to all. Perhaps because the Greenblood and our houseboats separate us so, but we cling on to the ties that we can, lest our hearts drift apart also,” he smiled wanly.

“That sounds very poetic.”

“It does, doesn’t it? My people are fond of such things, especially music and song. There is little else to do on the water, after all.”

We sat around by the edge of the water and watched the children play. A popular game among the young boys was when two children walked onto a connecting rope from either side. They’d meet in the middle and try to shove the other off with padded sticks. 

A little girl, Garin’s distant niece, spent hours braiding my tails, then literally my tails. She started with the fur, then decided she could braid all nine of them together. I could make my tails as long as I wanted, so what she was left with was a long, hammock-like piece sprouting from my ass. The other end had been tied in a complicated knot to keep it all together.

“You look ridiculous, Charlie,” Tyene giggled.

“Do I?” I laughed as I flopped the beaver-like thing up and down. “Hey, kid, get inside the tail. I bet I can fling you across the river.”

That was that. My tail became the next big attraction in Planky Town. I used my tail to chuck kids like a catapult. I made sure to hold back, and only toss them where the water was deep. I’d have felt awful if any of them hit a rock or something.

Then, Garin hopped onto the tail too. He looked at mine and Tyene’s reproachful gaze with a carefree grin. “What? We know you are more than strong enough.”

“You’re a grown man, Garin. Act like it,” Tyene said with a sigh that hid her amusement.

“Bah! If being a grown man means having no more fun, then I shall be a child forever!”

I laughed and held him up and down. “It’s fine. You’re free to join as well, Tyene.”

“And get my dress wet? You’d love that, wouldn’t you?”

“Suit yourself. Garin, you’re a strong swimmer, yes?”

“I am an Orphan,” he said, like that explained everything.

“Fair enough. Protect your neck.”

“Of cour–Aieeee!” he yelped as I chucked him far, almost twice as high as I’d tossed the children. 

“That was cruel,” Tyene said as she nestled into my side.

“Then stop smiling.”

“It was also funny.”

“That it was.”

“Say, Charlie? Are you really leaving soon?”

“I am,” I replied. Dorne had been wonderful, but I was itching to wander again.

“I see… The ‘wandering god’ indeed… When will you leave?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have a schedule to keep, but likely within the week.”

“You must visit.”

“Of course I will.”

“Where will you go? Across the Narrow Sea? Or up north?”

“Neither. I don’t know where I'll end up next, but the gate of dimensions will open for me.”

“Hmm… Always so mysterious.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back, and often. I did extort a bunch of land from your uncle, after all. I need to at least take care of my garden.”

Garin swam back and we stood to go have dinner. Apparently, there was a tavern on the other side of Planky Town where sailors often met. Knowing I wanted to meet more people, he began leading us off his uncle’s barge.

“Your tails are still tied,” Garin pointed out.

“I know,” I replied stiffly.

“Are… Are you stuck?”

“No…”

“Then free yourself,” Tyene said, giggling. She circled behind me and held the big knot in hand. “Hehe, your niece certainly knows her way around ropes, Garin.”

“Of course, we are Orphans. We learn to tie mooring knots before we can walk,” he said proudly. Then, with a sly grin, “Oh, I shall have to tell her. She has bested the great Charlie Foxtrot this day!”

“She has not,” I shot back sullenly. I yanked one tail, but the other eight tightened in turn. “Okay… Maybe I’m a little stuck.”

Tyene poked me in the side with a teasing smirk. “I will never let you forget this moment.”

“Are you two going to help me or not?”

“We will, when it stops being funny.”

“So perhaps tomorrow,” Garin added.

I rolled my eyes. Between one step and the next, I polymorphed into a fox, then back again. The magic of the transformation allowed me to undo the knot without having to figure it out. “There. Some friends you two are.”

“Aww, but it was such an interesting sight. You could have called it a choice of style.”

“Like you’d ever let me lie like that.”

“That is true.”

The tavern Garin took us to was on the far side of Planky Town. Here, several barges had been lined up into rows, forming long tentacles that stretched out into the sea. They were used to wrap around galleys and caravels, bringing trading ships into the floating whole while merchants plied their trade.

It smelled strongly of fish, but that was to be expected. Overall, I thought the town smelled better than the Shadow City. It was a little cramped, and both Tyene and I drew plenty of stares, but we managed to get a table in one corner of the room after Garin greeted the owner by name.

The specialty of the day was squid grilled over an open flame and dressed in a lemony herb butter. It was good, and reminded me a bit of squid grilled over bincho-tan, a type of Japanese hardwood charcoal. The food at Sunspear was better obviously, but good company made up for any lapse in cuisine quality.

As we sat, Garin pointed out different sailors and where they could be from based on their accents, styles of dress, and skin tones. We saw Summer Islanders, Ironborn, Braavosi, and even someone from as far away as Astapor.

We were having a nice chat when I felt someone grab my tail and give it a good yank. Slowly, I turned around to find a big, grubby fellow in a stained, cotton tunic. He had long, oily hair that he kept out of his eyes with a bandana.

“Yes? Can I help you?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. He was hardly the first person to want to touch my tails. Elia practically dove into them every chance she got.

“Oi, they’re real, boys,” he called back to his buddies. By the stink of his breath, he’d had more than his share of whatever passed for booze around here.

“So they are. I’d appreciate it if you’d let go of my tail.”

“Hey, hey, how about you sail with me? I bet you’d fetch a nice price in Lys. It ain’t a bad life, you know. Get your cock sucked. Get fed. You’ll never run out of bitches, maybe literally,” he said with a barking laugh. 

“Are you suggesting I’d fuck a dog?” I asked, disgusted. There was something viscerally repulsive to me about it. It wasn’t just the bestiality, but a dog? I yanked my tail out of his hand. “No thanks. Dogs are filthy, flea-ridden followers who can’t even decide where to shit without orders. Now, foxes, we’re better in every way: Cleaner, better looking, more fun, and of course, way more magically powerful.”

“I don’t care. You’re going to sail with me. Get up, fox. We’ll see how well ship life treats ya,” he said as he reached for my tails again.

“Are… Are you trying to kidnap me? And why Lys? It’s one of the Free Cities, right? What’s it known for?”

“It’s a slave city so I wouldn’t call it ‘free.’ It is best known for producing the finest whores in the world,” Garin said. He wore a bemused smile as he sipped at his mug of watered down wine. “And is it really kidnapping when you’re involved?”

“Foxnapping. Whatever.”

“He’s trying to sell you to a whorehouse, or a magister. Exotic pleasure slaves are popular, I hear.”

“Oh, that’s what I thought he was saying. Is this… normal…?”

“Abducting someone like this? No. Slavery is outlawed in Westeros,” Tyene frowned. She drew herself up and glowered at the drunkard. “He is a very stupid man to try this in front of Prince Oberyn’s daughter.”

“Hah! Any bastard can claim highborn blood in Dorne, eh? Your mouth would look prettier wrapped around my cock, girl.”

“She is indeed Tyene Sand, daughter of Prince Oberyn, friend,” Garin said, trying to defuse the situation. He slipped a silver stag onto the table. “How about you go back to your table and enjoy a round on me?”

“If she’s one of them bastard princesses, then I’m a knight, for I sail under the banner of Salladhor Saan, Prince of the Narrow Sea.”

We were drawing plenty of attention now. Though to be fair, mine and Tyene’s presence alone had done that already. Several of the drunk sailor’s buddies stood and walked over, some with greed in their eyes, others with lecherous leers at the blonde.

The tavern’s owner, a chubby, squat Orphan who reminded me of an upright seal, waved to his son who headed out the back. Presumably, he went to get some backup in case things got ugly. Meanwhile, he placed himself between us.

“Now, you know what it means to mess with an Orphan here, Salty Jack,” he said warningly. “Eat your supper and be gone or you’ll have the dockmaster to answer to.”

The one called Salty Jack flicked Garin’s stag at the owner. “I’m not interested in the Orphan, Tevan, but I’ll be taking the fox. The girl, too, she’s pretty enough.”

“And what if she truly is the Red Viper’s get? Do you really think he’ll leave you be?”

“What of it? I see no viper here. We are far from Sunspear.”

I stared at the obviously drunk men, then at Garin. Clearly, I’d been far too kind to them. “I don’t… I don’t look that helpless, do I? I mean, if Tyene is here alone, it must be because she is sure I can guarantee her safety… right?”

“You are expecting too much thinking from these men,” Garin replied with a rueful sigh. “Sink any deeper into their cups and they’ll forget their own names soon enough.”

I stood. I was the only one at our table who bothered. “Fair enough. Just, one question.”

“What is it?”

“Who is the ‘Prince of the Narrow Sea?’ I thought it wasn’t ruled by anyone.”

“It is not. Salladhor Saan is a pirate and slaver with delusions of grandeur. No one cares enough to hunt him down, that is all.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

Then, I slapped Salty Jack hard enough that his head spun like an owl’s. There was a loud, snapping sound as his neck twisted that everyone heard. It was the kind of visceral, raw noise that the lizard brain fixated on even through the ambient murmur of the tavern.

I leaked out a hint of my mana, just enough to fill the room. Sebas could freeze Brain Unglas, a legendary warrior in his own right, in his tracks. This wasn’t anything so dramatic; Garin wouldn’t appreciate it if I plunged Planky Town into a suicidal panic with my aura alone.

This was far more subtle. My presence weighed on the tavern’s guests like a blanket. It pressed them down and softly whispered that this wasn’t their fight. It was a quiet reminder of their mortality, of just how fragile their lives truly were.

A few of Salty Jack’s mates reached for their weapons anyway. Trembling, but I at least could not call them cowards.

Before they could draw, I conjured an orb of foxfire in my hand and dropped it onto their friend’s corpse.

There was no sound, nor the scent of burning flesh or hair. My flame, hot enough to rival Surtr’s, did not even allow for that much. It erased the man until there was nothing left, as if he’d never existed at all.

Facing them, I smiled beatifically. “Sit down, gentlemen. Enjoy your supper.”

With the matter settled, I returned to my seat and ordered more food. I didn’t want to leave on a sour note and it was a good way to signal to everyone that the danger had passed.

Besides, the grilled squid was all well and good, but it was hardly enough for dinner. Fortunately, the tavern also had a hearty seafood stew. In terms of flavor, it was mostly just salty, possibly because spices were expensive, but the seafood was fresh and refreshing.

We spoke softly for a time. Then, one person pulled up a chair to join our table. She was dressed much like the men around her, but being the only other woman besides Tyene and the tavernkeeper’s wife, she definitely stood out.

Behind her was a young man, about the same age as Tyene. He had sandy-blonde hair but no beard. Not because he shaved, but because the peach fuzz was all he could grow. Judging by the way he stood between me and the woman, he was a bodyguard. He kept one hand on his sword but had the manners to not draw on me just yet.

“That was quite the show, sorcerer,” she began. “I guess the stories of a magic fox in town are true after all.”

“They are indeed. Charlie Foxtrot, at your service. And you are?”

“Asha Greyjoy, captain of the Black Wind. What manner of creature are you?”

I rolled my eyes and shot her a cheeky grin. I used one tail to pick up my mug and took a sip. “I’m a land-kraken. Can’t you tell?”

“Hah! So the fox is clever. Fair enough.”

“Now, what brings you here, Asha Greyjoy, captain of the Black Wind?”

“Trade, of course. We may take the Iron Price, but not everything we take is worth keeping. We reave other ships and use Westerosi ports to offload our gains.”

“Makes sense, I suppose.”

“The better question is what the Red Viper’s bastard is doing so far from Sunspear, and without a single guard in sight.”

“Oh? You don’t question my parentage?” Tyene asked with a coy smirk.

“No. Only one of his bastards would keep the company of a sorcerer like him.”

“Very true. As for a guard,” she sniffed dismissively at where Salty Jack had been. “I suspect I am the safest woman in the world.”

“Heh, perhaps.” Asha reached over and took one of the dinner rolls placed at the center of the table. All the while, she eyed me warily to see if I’d take offense. When I didn’t, she smirked triumphantly, sure she’d gotten my measure. “But you should have killed the whole crew, sorcerer.”

I laughed at that. I could guess what she was thinking. “Oh? Do you think I fear revenge?”

“From those rats? Unlikely. But now, Salladhor Saan will hear of you.”

“Ah, yes, the slaver prince. I’m sure he’ll make his displeasure known to me,” I said sarcastically. “I am more afraid of Garin’s niece. Now, her knots are truly works of art.”

“She… She might have a point,” Tyene said softly.

“Hmm?”

She pulled the tavernkeeper aside. “Was Salty Jack the captain of his own ship?”

“Aye, he was,” the seal-like man replied.

“That could be a problem. Salladhor Saan is no threat to you, but if he begins to target Dornish ships, it could cause trouble for my uncle, Charlie.”

I frowned. That was a good point. It was easy to say I cared nothing for the Iron Throne or the politics of this world, but just because I didn’t care didn’t mean my actions wouldn’t have consequences.

“That’s annoying,” I grumbled. “He’s a slaver, right? So can I just kill him? Sounds to me like it’d be a public service.”

“You’d have to go all the way to Lys, my friend,” Garin said. “Salladhor Saan is known to have a manse there.”

“There’s an idea. Tell you what, Charlie,” Asha said, leaning forward, “I like a man of action. I can’t promise Lys, but I’m happy to take the Iron Price from his fleet. With your magic and the Black Wind, we’ll be able to keep Saan’s fleet busy.”

I chuckled ruefully. “Ah, so this is a recruiting attempt, is it? And of course, you’ll make more than your share of gold off his plunder.”

“Of course. It’s a good plan. I can promise you his riches, and safety for the bastard princess’ ships. Surely even a ‘land-kraken’ has been curious about the sea at some point.”

“I have traveled many seas. Have you seen the Enveloping Sea? It circles the world. I did battle with Jormungandr there.”

“Is that right? That is no reason to deny me, Master Fox. Join me and we can protect your bastard princess as well as acquire fabulous wealth.”

“But you said you cannot target Salladhor Saan. Doesn’t that mean your proposal is a half measure at best?”

“It’s the best you’ll get. Few captains would sail against him, and none are as great as I.”

I turned to Garin. “Is that true? I have no idea how good a captain Asha Greyjoy is.”

“That is likely true,” Garin said with an easygoing nod. “The Ironborn are famed for their mastery of the sea. The Greyjoys are the lords paramount of the Iron Isles. She is likely as familiar with her ship as I am with Planky Town.”

“Impressive, sounds like she knows what she’s doing.” Then, before she could feel too smug, “But that does not mean the Black Wind is the best option at my disposal.”

“And what will you do? You cannot cross the Narrow Sea. Even if your magic is impressive, surely you won’t declare war against Lys on your own.”

I carefully unclasped my hairpiece. It was the white crow, feathers tipped with shimmering gold. Even unmoving, it glowed softly, as if with an inner sunlight. I held it aloft. With the rustle of feathers, it came alive. 

Once again, every eye drew towards me. This time, they marveled at the beauty of a World Item.

“Go, my friend. Find me Salladhor Saan. Find me the Prince of the Narrow Sea,” I urged.

Yatagarasu let out a single, affirmative caw before glowing like a ray of sunshine. It took to the air and flew off in a straight line, passing through the wall as though it did not exist.

“What was that?” Tyene asked with naked envy in her voice. “It was beautiful.”

“It is Yatagarsu, one of the most precious magical artifacts in existence,” I explained. “I only have two of similar quality.”

“Father was not lying. It is lovely. Where has it gone?”

“Where else? In my culture, the white crow is the bird of divine providence. Its arrival has never failed to usher in a time of great change. Sometimes in the form of divine blessings, at other times through divine judgment. Either way, change nonetheless.”

I felt its presence. It was a magical tether that I could not ignore. The World Item could find anything, truly anything.

In YGGDRASIL, it was used to find hidden treasure or dungeon entrances. I also often used it to grief Ulbert Alain Odle, one of the core members of Nine’s Own Goal. By leaking his location to whoever wanted it, I ensured that he never held the World Disaster class for long before someone inevitably killed him for it.

And, well, if the max-level “ultimate evil” could not dodge its divination magic, then the wannabe “prince” had exactly zero chance. I didn’t have to wait long before the crow reported back. Our magical tether pulsed and I knew that if I teleported to its location, it would be hovering just above the man.

I lazily clapped my hands. There was a certain degree of pageantry I had to cater to, especially since I wanted people to remember this. “I am the Inari Okami, god of foxes and greatest of all kunitsukami. May the gate of dimensions open for me.”

A set of crimson torii gates appeared. Through it, we could all see Salladhor Saan, gazing up at my crow with a mixture of awe and wonder.

“Hello,” I called to him. “Are you Salladhor Saan, Prince of the Narrow Sea?”

He turned to me and yelped. He was a slim man, draped in robes of silver and with more jewelry than even Arianne. He certainly dressed like a prince, if nothing else.

He recovered admirably. Stretching his arms out wide, he said, “I am indeed he. Who is the great sorcerer who visits me tonight?”

“Oh, good. I’d hate to kill the wrong guy.”

His eyes widened in shock. He made to scream for his guards, but it was already far too late.

My tail stretched into the gate. I wrapped it around his throat and dragged him out, dropping him on the tavern floor. Once Yatagarasu flew in, following its target to the end, the gate closed, trapping him far from home.

He tried to speak, to beg, but I did not allow it. A single flex of my tail and the crack of his neck and it was over.

Slowly, meaningfully, I turned to Asha. “Well? Will this keep Dorne’s ships safe?”

She swallowed thickly. “Yes… I believe it will.”

Author’s Note

I included Asha because I feel like stories seldom use her even though she’s the least objectionable Ironborn. I know Charlie is going to head off-world soon, but who knows? He’ll come back eventually.

When I first drafted this, I had a gag in mind of Asha falling head-over-heels for Westeros’ first foxboy. She’d attempt to kidnap him and Charlie would become a “salt wife” on the Black Wind. Cue a silly romp through various kingdoms, Charlie insisting that he’s a salt wife the whole time.

A continuation of the idea was for him to use the Ame no Nuboko to steer the waves. He’d drag the Black Wind on a merry jaunt through the multiverse, maybe One Piece so Asha can meet “pirates” and learn how hilariously outgunned she is. Alas, I have other plans.

Now, would Charlie actually care enough to defend Dorne’s merchants or seek retribution on their behalf for piracy? No, of course not. He doesn’t know these people. He cares about their wellbeing in a strictly abstract sense, kind of like how you might feel bad if you saw a stray cat playing with a half-dead pigeon.

But they don’t know that.

My plan is for ASOIAF to be Charlie’s hub world. Not because it’s interesting, but maybe because it isn’t. There is so little that can threaten Charlie here that it’s a nice safe harbor from the dangers of the multiverse.

I have plans for several of these characters. You know some of them already. I did ask if I should bother raising Elia Martell, after all. There are others that I think would be fun to mess with. I’m sure it’ll come up again eventually.

I might also play around with some time hijinks. E.g. Some settings will pass much faster than others. The great part of world-hopping is that I don’t gotta explain shit beyond “Time flows differently.”

As for where he’s headed next, I guess somewhere scarier than ASOIAF would be nice. If Oberyn is level 2-6 in terms of YGGDRASIL, his next buddy should be level… 100? Arguably higher? Idk, Overlord characters are basically D&D 3.5e prestige classes so they’re very hard to scale.

It’ll still be a comedy though. I refuse to write anything that deviates too much from fluffy slice of life for this. If you want angst and brutal action, The River King is right there.

Animal Fact: The bobbit worm is named after Lorena Bobbitt. Its jaws reminded marine biologists of the 1993 case when she cut off her husband’s penis with a kitchen knife. Doctors did manage to reattach the penis, and apparently to working order, because he would go on to star in two pornographic films.

John Bobbitt, her husband, was charged with rape later that year but was acquitted. The following year, Lorena was acquitted of assault by reason of insanity. They divorced in 1995. She would go on to start a foundation for domestic abuse survivors and their children.