Strangely Ironic 1 (Pokemon) (Patreon)

Strangely Ironic 1

Isaac Strange

There was something very wrong today. I crawled out of my sleeping bag, only to find myself somewhere else. I most certainly didn’t remember going to sleep under the open sky. I had a tent, like any reasonable person who feared being eaten alive by mosquitoes.

No, the last thing I remembered was… I volunteered for a month-long summer camp for kids, elementary through middle school. We’d rowed upriver in canoes before me and a few of the other counselors taught them how to safely start a fire. Haley, another counselor, led them in a campfire sing-along while I opened a few bananas like hot dogs and stuffed them with dark chocolate, mini marshmallows, and sprinkles of cinnamon.

After that, we wrangled a few dozen screaming kids hopped up on sugar. They finally brushed their teeth and we stuffed them inside tents, six munchkins per tent. Two of the counselors snuck away to make out while I agreed to tend the fire and make sure none of the kids did the same. It was a fun night.

“Haley? David? You guys had fun last night?” I called for my fellow counselors.

They hadn’t seemed like the type to play pranks like this, especially since we had enough trouble getting the kids up and ready to go in the morning. Then again, I’d only known them for  a few weeks. 

I looked around. I didn’t recognize the scenery. The trees were taller here, practically ancient by their girth. They also didn’t look like any trees I’d seen on the way upriver. The color of the bark, the shape of the leaves, they all told me I was somewhere completely new.

The clearing I woke up in was too clean, too untouched by people. No footsteps, no broken branches, and no sign of being dragged in my sleeping bag. My stomach sank. I was starting to think my fellows had nothing to do with this.

I began wrapping my sleeping bag. Next to it, I found my backpack. I had a bag of trail mix, one half of a sandwich, some beef jerky, basic toiletries, a knife, a small saucepan for soup, a kettle for coffee, and a collapsible fishing rod. We were supposed to take the kids to a lake today to fish for trout.

“Fucking hell, why me?” I grumbled as I got ready to head out. There was no use hanging around and I knew the basics of navigating a forest. “This is the last fucking time I agree to watch kids.”

I muttered under my breath, full well knowing I didn’t mean it. I loved kids. I loved teaching. That was the whole reason I went for a graduate program in educational and developmental psychology. It sure as shit wasn’t because American schools paid well. Still, right now, I felt like I could use an outlet. 

I trudged along, looking for any clues as to where I was. When I found none, I took stock of my surroundings and noticed a slight shift in elevation. After making sure this was a consistent trend for a few hundred yards, I began heading downhill.

Water flowed downhill. Sooner or later, it stood to reason that I’d find a pond or stream. Then, I could follow it down further, hopefully to a ranger station.

At least, that was the idea. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the sound of buzzing wings. Turning, I saw a fuck-massive ladybug. It alighted atop a tree branch and began to lick at a trail of sap I hadn’t noticed before.

That itself stood out. Ladybugs didn’t drink tree sap as far as I knew. They also weren’t the size of bowling balls.

“What the ever-loving fuck is that?” I whispered in horror.

“Ledi? Ledyba?” it said. There was a slight droning quality, almost like a bug’s buzzing mixed in with actual words. It didn’t sound unfriendly. I never thought the droning of insects could carry emotional inflections, but here it was.

Dots connected, painting a picture that wasn’t supposed to be possible. I’d… I’d been isekai’d. I knew the genre. It was admittedly something of a guilty pleasure of mine, a form of escapism and a way to relive my childhood favorites all in one. Like every sensible person, I just hadn’t had a reason to treat it as anything but a fun pastime.

And yet, here I was, in a strange forest, staring up at a ledyba. A pokemon, the creation of Satoshi Tajiri. The cartoon had carried me all through my childhood. Even now, I loved fanmade rom hacks of Fire Red and bought a Switch specifically to play the latest generation. It was a series that had grown with me, through high school, through college, through the pain of entering the job market and becoming a “responsible” adult.

I stumbled back at the shock. My back pressed against a tree, I began to breathe in rapid, short bursts. I pinched myself. Sharp pain coursed up my arm but the overgrown ladybug was still there. It had gone back to lapping at the tree, having dismissed me as anything of interest.

It was… big. Sure, it was only the size of a bowling ball, but damn it, that was a few thousand times bigger than any ladybug had a right to be. The cartoon utterly failed to capture how fucking massive one of these things would look in real life.

I stood there for a full minute, slowly catching my breath.

There was a pokemon. I was now in the pokemon world. This was normal. Of course there would be pokemon in the pokemon world.

Nothing changed. My goal was still to find the nearest city. Pokemon has always been a multiverse. I played the Alolan versions. There were… There were Fallers, people who came from other worlds. I didn’t know if they could send me back home, but at the very least, I was confident I wouldn’t end up on a lab table for vivisection.

Good enough for now. I continued to make my way downhill, eyes peeled for any other pokemon. Now that I was looking, there were other signs. Furrows into bark that no animal I knew would make. Berries that definitely didn’t exist in my world. Stray feathers that didn’t belong to the game birds common in my neck of the woods.

Once, I even saw a kakuna, hanging from a nearby tree. That made my heart leap to my throat. Chrysalis or not, that shit was nearly the size of my entire arm. I had no desire to see what a beedrill looked like up close; those fuckers were supposed to be ornery bastards and people in my Earth died from regular Japanese hornets. 

After giving that particular tree a wide berth, about four hundred yards and more, I finally heard the sound of running water. I soon came upon a wide stream and the view took my breath away. It was beautiful, the kind of unpolluted grandeur that made the water look like liquid crystal.

I followed the water downstream. Soon, the stream widened and fed into a freshwater pond situated atop a hill overlooking a small cliff. Beyond that cliff was the sea, the salty tang lifting my spirits. Down below, there was a city that hugged the coast. Its coastline seemed evenly divided between a luxurious, postcard-worthy sandbar and a port with a massive lighthouse.

I picked up the pace. The city meant people, which hopefully meant help. And maybe, dare I hope, the beach meant Alola. It could be that the greatest experts in wormholes and multiversal travel were in that city.

X

I wasn’t in Alola. Nope, I was in Johto. I found that out pretty quickly when I saw the sign that read, “Welcome to Olivine City, Johto’s Gate to the West!”

Worse, I’d sorely overestimated how easy it’d be to get help here. Olivine was Johto’s third biggest city, right after Goldenrod and rivaling Ecruteak. It wasn’t quite as hectic as New York or Chicago, and the people were definitely nicer, but I had a hell of a time navigating the harbor area. It was this more than anything else that convinced me that this was no longer a game. 

For lack of anything else to do, I figured that I’d go find a pokemon center. The anime made these red-roofed buildings look pretty distinctive. And, the Nurse Joy there could probably point me in the right direction. That proved to be a bit more challenging than expected. 

In the Heart Gold and Soul Silver games, there was a singular pokemon center, situated pretty centrally in the city, just south of the gym. Here, I learned that there were six spread across the city. Some catered to farms up north, others to the city’s pets, and still others to water types from the sea. Despite that, I ended up wandering lost for a few hours anyway.

And when I finally found a pokemon center, I found that I’d been lied to. There wasn’t a cute, bubblegum-haired nurse waiting for me, ready to dispense sage advice with a heartwarming smile. The Joy family did indeed have a history of working in pokemon centers, but it wasn’t like a single family could staff every single pokemon center at all hours. 

Instead, I was told by a probably underpaid clerk to buzz off if I didn’t have a trainer’s license or a pokemon of my own. Which was… fair. It was a pokemon center; it had a pretty well-defined clientele. I left the pokemon center with a heavy sigh.

On the plus side, I’d been sent here with my sleeping bag and backpack so I could at least sleep under a bench in relative comfort. Oh, and I spoke the local language, too. Whoever sent me here, be it Palkia or Arceus or some out of context god, did me that much courtesy.

I continued to wander. Eventually, I found myself at the foot of the light house. It was a massive building, as wide as several school gymnasiums and twenty stories tall. It was situated atop a manmade hill to grant further height.

The base of the hill had been turned into a park so I found myself a bench and took a seat. I’d eaten my sandwich on the way into the city, but I still had some trail mix and beef jerky. I figured I’d have this for dinner, then see if the pokemon world had homeless shelters in the morning.

I tore into the bag of beef jerky. It was my favorite, honey and Chinese chili crisp, and I could use the pick-me-up after this shitshow of a day. I took one out, savoring the sharp, garlicky bite, when I heard a deep, low growl.

I thought it was my own stomach at first. Then, I looked down and found a pokemon staring up at me. It was about the size of a toddler, and mostly yellow. More importantly, it had a “ponytail” that was actually a massive, crocodilian jaw.

I looked at the beef jerky, and then back down at the mawile. I moved the strip of beef slowly to my right, then left again. Sure enough, its eyes followed the meat like a cat following a parakeet.

I now had a choice. On one hand, I was very hungry. On the other hand, this mawile clearly wanted my dinner.

“Well, that’s no choice at all,” I snorted. I popped the beef jerky in my mouth and savored the spicy, numby, sweet, and savory flavor.

“Maaw…” it pouted pitifully. Its big, auburn eyes stared up at me, imploring me to share. Its ponytail jaw began to drool.

“Stop it. Stop looking at me like that. This is my only dinner, you know.”

“Maw… ile…” Somehow, I could’ve sworn its eyes grew bigger, and damp with unshed tears.

“No. You’re not cute. Do you think I can’t see your other mouth?”

“Mawile…? Maaw?” It leaned forward, hands clasped imploringly.

“Fake Tears isn’t going to cut it.”

“Maw…?”

It stared. It placed one hand on my shin as it gazed up at me with longing eyes. One, fat tear dripped onto my pant leg.

I took out another piece of beef jerky. I seriously thought about eating it, but…

Grunting in annoyance, I tossed it to the child-sized pokemon. “Ugh, fuck it. I can skip dinner once.”

“Maw~” it cheered. And magically, it stopped crying. I’d been had, scammed by an almost literally two-faced beggar.

It took the strip and carefully ripped it in half before feeding a piece into each of its mouths. The hair-mouth was unexpectedly dexterous. Odd, because I knew for a fact that mawile were steel-fairy types. I figured that their jaws would be the “steel” part.

Its eyes lit up in joy at the unique flavor. I wondered if they had Chinese food around here. Fascinated, I kept feeding it more food until the bag was empty. Then, it eyed the trail mix and took the lion’s share of that, too.

“Are you happy, you little glutton?” I grouched as my stomach rumbled. “Here’s to hoping they really do have a homeless shelter somewhere.”

It looked at the empty bags, then at me. Then, in a show of supreme condescension, it patted my leg. “Mawile Maw-mawile”

With that, it skipped away, probably to sucker some other poor bastard. Sighing, I unstrapped my sleeping bag from my backpack and began to make myself comfortable.

As I got ready to crawl inside, I heard a quiet cough behind me. Turning, I found a short, young woman with light-brown hair and eyes. She wore an airy, blue sundress and a thin, bolero jacket.

“Yes? Can I help you?” I asked tiredly. If she turned out to be one of those Karens who bugged homeless people, I’d probably throw her into the sea. Then again, there was a non-zero chance that she had a dragon in her pocket.

“U-Um, no, I just thought that was a very kind thing you did,” she said softly. “You didn’t have to give that mawile your dinner.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been good at saying no to kids.”

“I’m sure she’s grateful. Pokemon tend to remember things like this.”

“She? How can you tell?”

“The teeth of a female mawile’s posterior jaws are somewhat smaller than those of a male’s.”

“Huh, I learned something new today. Aren’t mawile from Hoenn? This doesn’t sound like something a casual person would know.”

“That’s right,” she said. Her face lit up into a beaming smile. “They’re native to Granite Cave on Dewford Island. However, they’re quite mischievous and sometimes stow away if something catches their eye. I suspect she came aboard on a luxury liner that came through last week. Murkrow and meowth aren’t the only pokemon who take an interest in shiny jewels.”

“You… You’ve been following that mawile?”

“I have, before… before father passed so suddenly,” she said, mood plummeting. She seemed like the kind of girl who wore her heart on her sleeve.

“O-Oh, sorry for bringing up bad memories,” I said awkwardly.

“N-No, that’s not your fault. I just… After the funeral arrangements, I was so busy with the gym that I haven’t had the time to track down that mawile…”

“The… gym…? Holy shit, you’re Jasmine.”

“Yes? Oh, I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Jasmine Asagi, the new gym leader, though you seem to already know that.”

“Isaac Strange, homeless bum,” I said with a wan smile. “You said you were following that mawile? Are you going to catch her?”

“No, not anymore. I asked her to join me, but she refused and I don’t want to force her. She’s mischievous, but she hasn’t caused too much trouble.”

“Fair enough. Say, you wouldn’t happen to know where the nearest homeless shelter is, do you?”

“I don’t, sorry,” she said. She seemed to consider something before coming to a decision. “I-If you don’t mind, you can stay at the gym. I have a couch.”

“Really? Are you sure? I mean, I won’t say no to something comfier than this bench, but aren’t you a bit too trusting of strangers?”

“You gave a strange pokemon your only dinner. No one who’s that kind is a bad person. A-And… It’s what my father would have done.”

I looked at her, truly looked. She was smiling, but there was a bit of redness around her eyes still. She’d been keeping tabs on that mawile since the luxury cruise last week. She said her father died, so that must have been within the past week as well.

Yet, here she was, opening her home to a complete stranger. Not many would ever think to put aside their grief to help another. One day, she’d also care for Amphy the ampharos with this same, tender heart.

“Thank you, Jasmine, really.”

X

I awoke in the morning to the sound of someone puttering about in the kitchen. Bleary-eyed, I got up from the sofa and folded the magnemite-print comforter.

“Jasmine?” I glanced at the wall clock. “It’s five-thirty.”

She took out a microwaved mug of water and set a teabag inside to steep. “Hmm? Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m used to waking up early. Do you usually wake up at the crack of dawn like this?”

“Yes. I usually make something quick for myself before taking care of my pokemon. Would you like a cup of tea, too? How about some oatmeal?”

“I wouldn’t say no to tea. But if you’re doing this before normal people are even awake, what do you do during normal hours?”

“I need to make sure that the gym has enough food and supplies, get ready to reopen, clean the stable, train my team, file paperwork, and…” she trailed off. She seemed to be losing energy just talking about everything she had to do.

I blinked in confusion at that. “Don’t… Don’t you have gym trainers? Administrative assistants? Accountants?”

“A-Ah, well… I have… two…? Preston was dad’s friend and he helps me make sure I filed everything right, but he’s not really part of the gym... And there’s Connie. She’s a gym trainer, but she’s in Hoenn right now.”

“What’s she doing in Hoenn?”

“We only became a steel type gym recently,” she explained. “Before dad… Before he passed, he sent her to Hoenn to study the steel types there, and bring back some pokemon to join the stable.”

“Huh… How long ago were steel types discovered?”

“Four years or so? Maybe five. There are still some people who think steel types are just denser rock types, though. Dad wanted to transition the gym from a rock type gym so we could educate people. Except, that means new pokemon and… and then he… yeah…”

That made a lot of sense. Johto had steelix, forretress, scizor, skarmory, and the magnemite line. Maybe magnezone, but I wasn’t sure about that; they might not know how to evolve a magneton because it was obviously so early in the timeline.

Hoenn sounded like the nearest region geographically and having a few more steel types could really boost their legitimacy. There was mawile, probopass, and the aron and beldum lines, though I doubted Connie could get a hold of the latter. Beldum were supposed to be extremely rare; I couldn’t imagine a collector or breeder parting with one.

“So you handle everything on your own,” I said flatly.

“W-Well… yes…” she sighed.

“That’s that, then.” I put her mug of tea in her hand and pushed her out of the kitchen. “I’m going to help you. I’m going to make you an actual breakfast while you go do… whatever can be done within ten minutes or so.”

“T-That’s not necessary. I can–”

“Nope.”

“It’s really oka–”

“Nope.”

“This is my house,” she huffed indignantly.

“Obviously your fault for letting a homeless guy sleep on your couch,” I replied with the ambivalence only a man with nothing to lose could possess.

“Can… Can you even cook?”

“Of course I can. And it'll taste better than your microwaved oatmeal, too. Now shoo!”

“I'm getting chased out of my own kitchen,” she grumbled, but the corners of her mouth twitched upwards.

After claiming the kitchen as my dominion, I opened up her fridge to see what I was working with.

There were four eggs, a small wedge of cheese, ham, and a peach-looking fruit that was a bit too pink to be an actual peach. Pecha berry, that was it. There was most of a sliced loaf in her pantry, so I toasted two slices of that, too.

I mixed a small splash of milk into the scrambled eggs. It was a small trick my mom taught me; the milk made it fluffier, though mayonnaise worked in a pinch as well. Cheesy scrambled eggs, toast, and pecha wasn't much, but it was a level up from microwaved oatmeal at least. Judging by the way Jasmine scarfed it down, she agreed.

She gave me a more detailed rundown of the gym while we ate. Olivine City Gym was situated at the very border between the port’s warehouse district and the rest of the city. Upon consideration, this was very much done on purpose, probably to limit collateral damage from her father's prized onix, who was the father of Jasmine’s own starter. The gym was a complex of two, large warehouses and a two-story office building that doubled as the Asagi family home.

The warehouses had been repurposed. One was a battlefield, packed with hard dirt and lacking all other adornments save a set of bleachers and a camera setup for League records. The other was a stable for gym pokemon, not that Jasmine had many to begin with. With steel types being a relatively new discovery, she hadn't had much time to build up a proper stable that included pokemon suited for all badge levels. 

That… That gave me ideas. There were a number of steel types out there that the Johto region didn't currently know about. That must also mean that steel type moves were still being developed. Hell, Jasmine likely was the only person who even vaguely qualified as an expert in this subject. This wasn't even mentioning everything else I knew that was now out of context knowledge.

I… I couldn’t go back. Even if I did, there wasn’t anyone to miss me. This was the chance to turn a childhood dream into reality. Besides, sitting here, now knowing where and when I was, I understood that just hoping to find a scientist who could send me back was a pipe dream.

Realistically, there was a good chance that Lusamine hadn't even begun her study into ultra wormholes. Hell, the word might not even have been coined yet. And, a gym trainer making inquiries certainly sounded more legitimate than some random bum.

“I want a job,” I said, making up my mind. I'd never been the type to waffle.

“A job? Here?” She asked. “Isaac, you told me last night that you weren't a trainer and never have been.”

“That's right, but you obviously need help. And, truthfully, I've always loved pokemon. Not being a trainer wasn't exactly by choice.”

“There's a lot to learn. Being a gym trainer is something people normally do after they return from their journeys.”

“So put me to work doing other things. I can learn the training part as we go. I have experience teaching children, making schedules, and I was the one who handled the logistics and finances for a large summer camp.”

“Oh, really? Which camp?”

“Ah…” If this was pre-canon, Fallers were probably pretty rare too, and likely an Alola-exclusive phenomenon. “A large one…?”

“So you have credentials you cannot prove,” she said with an unimpressed frown. “Be honest with me, Isaac. Do you have a criminal record?”

“I don't.” That much, I could say confidently. “I don't really have a record at all.”

“Really? If I put a photo of your face online, no one in the League is going to find you in their system?”

“I can pee into a cup and give you a blood sample too if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Hmm…”

“I can guarantee it. Look, just put me to work, Jasmine. You can have me make schedules, cook food, or clean the stable. I'll prove I can do more as we go.”

“Alright, I guess I am very short-staffed right now,” she said. “I'll trust you, but I’m going to want that story someday.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“We live in a truly fantastical world. Try me.”

I paused. Jasmine was… She was kind, kind in a way that very few people were. I didn’t really think I’d be in danger of being shipped off to a lab or a mental asylum, but… did I trust her?

Surprisingly, the answer was yes. I trusted the young woman who decided to give her couch to a homeless man purely based off his willingness to share food with a stray mawile. I trusted the woman who cared enough for someone else despite her own father having passed a week prior.

“Okay,” I said. “Promise me you won’t freak out? Or tell anyone?”

“I promise. Isaac, I’ve seen a lot as an assistant gym leader, you know,” she said gently. “You won’t surprise me.”

X

I surprised her. I surprised her lots.

“You’re from… another world…” she said slowly.

“I am. In my world, pokemon existed only as a series of games and a TV show for children,” I said honestly.

“That’s… I don’t mean to say you’re a liar, but…”

“But it’s unbelievable. I’m well aware. Please understand that if I wanted to lie to you, I’d at least have a better story than this.”

“Is there a way to prove yourself?”

“I have my driver’s license if that helps.”

“Alright, let’s see it.” I slid over my wallet. She found my American license, dollar bills, and a Costco membership card. “These… are well-made.”

“And not fake.”

“No, not fake. They’re way too professional to be props just to sell this ridiculous story.”

“So…?”

“I… believe you. Tentatively.”

“With salt?”

“Like the ocean,” she nodded.

“That’s probably wise. What happens now?”

“For now, let's get an employment contract signed.”

“Really? Just like that?” I asked, surprised. “I thought for sure you’d rat me out to the cops.”

“For what crime?” she asked blandly. “And, pardon my hubris, but I think that if you’re really a bad man, I am likely the best person to keep an eye on you.”

“That’s probably true, yes. Thank you, Jasmine, for trusting me. I promise to abuse all out of context knowledge for your benefit.”

“That’s another thing we’ll have to talk about. Please don’t do anything without letting me know.”

“I promise.”

“Oh, and I should see about getting you a small advance so you can do some clothes shopping. And a starter. You’ll be needing one.”

“A pokemon?” I said with an excited smile. There it was, my childhood dream made real.

“You’ll be my gym trainer. What is a trainer without a pokemon of their own?”

“Hehe, honestly? I figured you'd just pay me in room and board and I'd figure out the rest on my own.”

“I would never,” she gasped indignantly. “That's so many labor violations I don't even know where to start.”

“Alright, alright, you're a good person. So… starter?”

“We don't have many pokemon that a beginner should have. Ideally, you’d have a steel type starter since you are now a part of this gym. There are five recognized steel types native to Indigo, and three of them only gain the type after evolution. Of the other two, one is a skarmory.”

“I wouldn’t mind a skarmory,” I said eagerly. Sure, it didn’t evolve, but it did gain a mega evolution that turned a flying fortress into a flying blender. I’d have to see about tracking down the mega stones at some point.

“Unfortunately, older skarmory tend to be highly combative and I don’t have any other besides Mary, my personal skarmory, anyway.”

“That’s fair. An onix is probably very hard to care for in the city and I assume scyther are in the same boat as skarmory.”

“That’s right. That, and Takeshi, the Azalea City Gym Leader, is somewhat possessive of scythers. They’re his gym’s iconic pokemon so I don’t think he’ll give us one just because I ask nicely.”

“So… pineco or magnemite? Aren’t pineco basically hand grenades?”

“Worse. A hand grenade has a safety lever and blows up when you want it to. Training Tessy, my own forretress, was… an experience,” she said dryly. “You’d be best off with a magnemite, if that’s alright with you.”

“Hey, you’re the boss. I’m just happy to have this shot in the first place,” I said with an easy smile.

“Then welcome to the team, Isaac.”

Author’s Note

Yes, this is the adaptation of an old idea I had. Thank you to my commissioner for finally convincing me to get off my ass and write it. This is mostly for fun, so feel free to suggest munchkin ideas.

“Asagi” is Olivine City in Japanese. Jasmine’s Japanese name is “Mikan” and Asagi sounded better as a surname than “orange.”

Mineral Fact: Salt used to be worth its weight in gold. Throughout history, salt has been used as a substitute for currency by various polities.

For example, the word “salary” actually comes from the Latin word for salt, “salarium.” This is because Roman soldiers were sometimes paid in salt. You just know some poor bastard forgot to waterproof his bag and his life savings literally washed away in the rain.