Snowman 17 (Patreon)

Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 17

Euri Lawrence

I sat in my old camp atop Dragonspine. Durin found me yesterday, cruising through the snowstorm as if he owned the place. Then again, I supposed if anyone could be called the master of these mountains, he surely had the highest claim.

He poked my ice block backrest with a curious claw. “Euri? Is she going to be okay?”

I glanced behind me. There was Rosalyne-Kruzchka Lohefalter, Eighth of the Fatui Harbingers. She was locked in a coffin-like block of felfrost ice, leaving only her head exposed. The abyssal energy directly counteracted her own, keeping her sealed away.

She really was this dangerous; I didn’t dare rely on something so flimsy like mere handcuffs. Even if I could beat her again, it’d be such a hassle.

She glared back at me with her lone eye. She said nothing, but words were insufficient anyway. So deep and intense was her unspoken promise of vengeance that for a moment, I wondered if she had Lawrence blood in her somewhere. Eula had to have gotten it from someone after all, and she was a Mondstadter at her roots. Alas, I knew our “proud” family tree and we were unrelated.

I turned back to the campfire. Set on a tray by the coals, just far enough to heat the food through without truly touching fire, was a sticky honey roast. It was the signature dish of Good Hunter. Sara, its proprietress, had prepped it with her usual loving care. I had a few of these stored in my dimensional pocket for precisely nights such as these.

I smiled wanly at that. Sara was awesome. We used to date, back when we were young and life seemed simpler. She figured I would join Eula as a Knight of Favonius, that together, we’d have something more than puppy love. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure why I said yes. Maybe, back then, I also held some mistaken belief that my place would be with the knights.

Admittedly, I ended up leading her on a little bit. Not intentionally of course, but I hadn’t always known what I wanted to do. For a time, I considered remaining in Mondstadt. There was another version of me who remained, who became a knight captain like Eula. It was a bittersweet thing to imagine, a life I could have had.

I still felt a little off about that. Not guilty exactly, but melancholic. In the end, I couldn’t resist the call to adventure. There were so many people I adored, people I wanted to meet in person. 

I wanted to pet the radish. Shave one of Yae’s tails bald then run for my life. Start an obsessed fan cafe for “Miss Hina.” Tell Kachina to believe in the me who believed in her. Ask Bird Mom for the Cocogoat’s embarrassing childhood stories.

Nor could I sit idly by when there were so many tragedies I could help prevent. For every silly thing I wanted to do, there was someone who I wanted to support. Chasca’s sister didn’t need to die. Furina didn’t need to be alone. There was so much that Columbina and Lauma needed to hear from each other.

The Abyss Sibling was right in a way. There was a running joke that Genshin’s original plot, to find the sibling, could have been solved with a coffee date. That was true even, but Teyvat was alive. There was so much to see, to fall in love with.

I wanted that. I wanted to witness it all. 

Carefully, I carved out slices of roast and placed them on a plate alongside a rustic dinner roll and a pile of glazed carrots. “Come here, Durin. You wanted to try this, right?”

“Yeah? Amber says it’s her favorite. She says there’s nothing better on a cold night,” he said as two of his claws extended to form icicle forks. A claw on his other hand became a knife. He cut the slice into pieces and stuck a portion into his mouth. “Oh! It’s sweet! Is meat sweet?”

“And she’s right. It’s nothing fancy, but I don’t think any other dish represents Mondstadt quite like this one. As for why it’s sweet, it’s boar meat specifically, with sliced carrots to take away the gaminess,” I explained. “The sweetness comes from a honey glaze.”

“What’s honey? Is it a spice?”

“It’s not. It’s a type of gooey liquid produced by bees.” I drew out a jar from my inventory. “Here, taste some. It’s delicious by itself, but even better when combined into a dish like this.”

“Ooh, yes, please~”

“Eat everything together, Durin. Meat, carrot, and a piece of bread, too.”

I smiled as Durin had yet another culinary experience. I looked forward to showing him all the delicacies in Teyvat.

I felt a surge of gratitude towards Alice for this. Durin wasn’t just a familiar; he was family now. A little brother? Or technically my son? Something to that effect. I wanted to show him the world, in all its glorious and fearsome splendor.

Meanwhile, I carved a small morsel and proffered it up to Signora. Even prisoners deserved to eat. She stared at the fork cross-eyed before giving me a heated glare.

“You can’t be serious,” she growled.

“You want me to make skywatch drake noises? Because I can make skywatch drake noises,” I replied blandly. “Weewoo Shwoo Dakka-dakka-dakka!!!”

“I can feed myself!”

“You very clearly cannot.”

She paused. Then, the hatred and vitriol melted off her face like spring thaw. Her lone eye, an admittedly enchanting blue, shone with unshed tears. “You’ve made your point, Sir Euri. I’ve learned my lesson. Let me go. I won’t run.”

I held her gaze with a placid smile. One moment, then two, then came a subtle shift. “Heh. You’re terrible at playing the damsel in distress, you liar.”

“I am a Snezhnayan diplomat! You are a knight!  I deserve to be treated with respect! I refuse to be treated like this!” she demanded, the submissive veneer evaporating away before the fire of her indignant rage.

“If you’ll recall, I’m an ex-knight. What I do has no bearing on Mondstadt’s knightly order. I’m banished from Mondstadt and going on a ‘journey of atonement,’ remember?” I said glibly. “Now, would you prefer train noises instead? I hear they’re very popular in Snezhnaya.”

“You… I loathe you.”

“That’s a shame. I actually don’t hate you, Rosie. I pity you, and I think your plans are unnecessarily convoluted, spiteful, and potentially very harmful to multiple regions, but hate’s a strong word.”

“At least let me sit up straight,” she growled.

“Yeah, fair enough.” I turned her so she was in standing position. Standing as well, I held my fork out to her. “Here comes the choo-choo?”

“The day you die, I will know a joy like none other.”

“Yeesh, and what a sad life you must have lived for that to be true. You literally tried to buy Mondstadt state secrets and planned to mug an Archon. You’re not exactly innocent, you know. And really, did you have to rent out the entirety of the Goth Grand Hotel? Or did you just feel like pissing away Pantalone’s money?”

She ate. Grudgingly, with great reluctance, but she ate. She savored each bite with the deliberate patience of a buddha meditating over hot coals.

“It… was prepared well,” she muttered quietly.

“Right? Sara would be delighted to hear that,” I said happily. Food truly was the ultimate pacifier. “Say, did they have sticky honey roasts back in the day?”

“Of course they did,” she scoffed. “What? Did you think it’s a new invention?”

“I mean, probably not, but five hundred years is a long time. Even simple things like the cut of meat chefs prefer or cooking techniques and exact spice ratios could change.”

“You… You’re oddly interested in how things were back then.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? It’s all Mondstadt in the end. People come and go. Cultures change. But in the end, some things remain constant.”

“... It used to be sweeter,” she said after a moment of silence. “Back then, honey was used more as a tenderizer than a sweetener so people used to soak meat in honey for days at a time.”

“Huh, that’s pretty neat. So which do you prefer?”

“Neither. I prefer Sumeru lamb curry. I developed a taste for it when I studied in the Akademiya. What’s the plan? Will you keep me trapped here forever?”

I blinked in surprise. “Oh? Oh, I guess I told Jean but not you. We’re going to Fontaine.”

“Fontaine?” She stilled as the dots connected in her mind. “You can’t be serious…”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure Durin can get us there in a few hours at most. You can hold in your pee until then, right?”

“That’s not my concern, you infuriating buffoon!”

“Haha, think she’ll let me call her ‘daddy?’”

“You’re a sick pervert,” she growled. “You know what? Please, do so. I’m looking forward to this meeting. The Knave is going to disembowel you and I will enjoy watching.”

“I kid, I kid. Truthfully? We’re going to Fontaine because I respect Arle a great deal, more than just about every Harbinger except maybe Bina and Thrain.”

“You… You know their names as well…”

“Gee-golly, the man called ‘oracle’ knows things. Imagine that.”

“One of these days, I will have my revenge.”

“One of these days, you’ll stop being surprised that I know shit,” I said, patting her head. “Today isn't that day, however.”

X

“I just want you for my own,More than you could ever know,Make my wish come trueAll I want for Christmas is you~”

I sang at the top of my lungs.  Behind me was a full musical accompaniment. Mariah Carey’s iconic Christmas earworm rang across the skies as Signora and I rode on Durin towards Fontaine. 

My captive audience looked at me with the kind of disgust billionaires reserved for orphans and sanitation workers. She’d been placed on Durin’s back, ice coffin directly planted in the snow like a fence post. She was forced to watch Teyvat roll by as I serenaded her with various pop renditions of Christmas songs.

“This is cruel and unusual torture,” she begged, lone eye wide and pleading.

“You sinned against Barbatos, god of music. Isn’t it only right then that I punish you through music?” I asked with a solemn nod. “See the clear, blue skies. Feel the gentle wind. Clearly, the Anemo Archon approves of this.”

“I will bite my own tongue and bleed to death. You’ll have the blood of a Fatui Harbinger on your hands.”

“If you do, Odette will make a wonderful Fair Lady one day.”

“You… Just how much do you know?”

“More than anyone would like, yet somehow not enough,” I replied with a bittersweet smile.

She made a face of disgust at the non-answer. “Ugh, grace me with some blessed silence, you cursed minstrel.”

“Cope and seethe, Rosie. Your suffering is the point.”

“Then Barbatos is a cruel and merciless god.”

“Psh, I know I’m an amazing singer. You can’t tell me you don’t appreciate music. No Mondstadter hates music, not even you.”

“It was fine four hours ago,” she gritted out through clenched teeth.

“Alright, fine, I’ll stop,” I acquiesced. “We’re here, anyway.”

In the distance, Fontaine towered over the rest of Teyvat. The first thing we saw was a truly massive cascade of water that poured down into the sea. It was impressive enough in a video game but in real life? It took my breath away.

Fontaine was a “terrestrial sea” that stood nearly a mile in the air. The whole region, from its forests and rivers to the eponymous capital city, sat atop a continental shelf that had been lifted into a single, gargantuan mountain. I imagined that from Alice’s perspective, the globe of Teyvat probably looked horribly lopsided.

“Woah, what’s that, Euri?” Durin called back excitedly. “Why is everything so tall? It’s like everything is almost as tall as Dragonspine!”

“Fontaine. It’s a word that means ‘fountain.’ In a way, the name is very literal, for it is the ‘fountain from which all the waters of Teyvat spring forth,’” I told him with an eager smile.

“That's so cool! Are there fishes inside? Can we go fishing?”

“Of course we can,” I said encouragingly. Then, I remembered the most likely culprit who had taught him about “fishing.” It sure as shit hadn't been me. “Ah… maybe not fishing like how Klee does it.”

“How else do you fish?” he asked, completely innocently.

Eula said I was a bad influence on Durin. Personally, I thought Klee was worse. He’d known his “cousin” for a single day and he was already considering piscine genocide. It’d probably earn us a one-way trip to Wrio in Fontaine.

Not that I’d ever say that out loud. Klee was an angel who could do no wrong, and totally not because Alice scared the shit out of me.

“With a rod, or a spear. That's much less likely to get us arrested in Fontaine,” I said instead.

Signora scoffed in disbelief. “Oh, so now you care about being a criminal?” 

“Being wanted for ecological destruction is tacky and pedestrian. True outlaws get accused of murdering foreign dignitaries,” I said, sniffing in faux disgust… to the foreign dignitary I supposedly murdered.

“I'm glad my captor has standards,” she replied dryly. Although, if I paid attention, I could hear the faintest huff of amusement.

“Exactly, which is why I know how to make an unforgettable entrance.”

“...”

“...”

“I'm not going to like this, am I?”

I ignored her with the long practice of a man with a “sensible” twin sister. “Durin, buddy, do you remember everything I told you on the way over?”

“Uh-huh!” My dear partner chirped.

“Good. Bring us down, bud.”

X

“I HATE YOU, EURI LAWRENCE!!!” Signora shrieked as we went down towards the Statue of the Seven.

I was quite sure I’d made a nemesis this day. Getting in the way of her mission and beating her up was one thing. Kidnapping her was another. But this? This was probably what would convince her to seek my head in the near-ish future.

Still, I didn’t mind. I had nothing to say to her. Usually, sane people had nothing to say to their snowboards, either.

I slid down atop her prison-coffin, my sturdy boots fused to the ice. Durin hung from my back. He’d shrunken down again until he was as large as a Maltese puppy.

As I’d promised Eula, Operation: Snowpocalypse required the nuclear football. It was a sacred object only she could grant. Without her explicit authorization, Durin would not fly over another nation’s capital.

Below the three of us, a slope of ice and snow formed to ensure we sped up. Soon, we were descending at a screaming pace, fast enough that Rosie’s shrieks began to doppler. Palais Mermonia, the main administrative building of the nation, drew ever nearer.

Rather than argue with her, I formed several floating mouths and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Father! I have come victorious and shrouded in glory! Praise me!”

“All. My. Hate,” Signora growled. Her voice was tired with resignation. She’d come to terms with this newest indignity, though I had no doubt she’d rekindle her spite eventually.

We looped around the Palais Mermonia’s highest tower and circled the statue of the Hydro Archon before skidding to a stop in a spray of snow as tall as a house. There, we were confronted by a colorful assortment of guards, civilians, clockwork meka, and a rather familiar pink-haired journalist from the Steambird. 

The gates of the palace opened and a tall, regal figure stalked out. Behind him was a small horde of paper-pushers and melusines, but they were nothing compared to this statuesque figure. Such was the weight of his reputation that his arrival alone was enough to silence all of Fontaine.

As for me, of course I recognized him. How could I not? Here was Neuvillette, the Ordainer of Inexorable Judgment, the great Iudex of Fontaine, the Crybaby Dragon. Though Folcalors lived, she was largely an absentee goddess, albeit still more respectable than a certain drunkard god. In truth, it was he who acted as the chief justice in the land of Hydro.

More importantly, he was the humanoid incarnation of one of the Seven Sovereigns, a dragon king who reigned in the time before Archons. Though it was a little known fact  to the denizens of Teyvat, each Archon’s divine throne was fashioned from the power of the dragon kings. He had as much a claim to the Throne of Hydro as Folcalors. In truth, one could argue that he had first claim.

Typically, it was not this easy to meet with Neuvillette. Everything else aside, he was also Fontaine’s head of state. “Busy” didn’t even begin to describe his schedule.

And yet, here he was, emerging like a sleeping dragon from his lair. Maybe he felt the hint of abyssal power in my felfrost. Maybe he could smell the sheer frustration and impotent wrath wafting from my Signora-board. Either way, our approach hadn’t been subtle.

I felt a deep sense of awe well up from within me like a bubbling spring as I looked upon this legendary figure. Here was the Lord of Vishaps, the Beating Heart of the Primordial Sea. No matter how diminished he was currently, I couldn’t help but feel that he exuded an aura of majesty. A sovereign in bearing, if not quite yet in power.

Fortunately, Durin felt absolutely none of that. In Dragonspine, and on our flight over, I told him a great deal about Teyvat and its history. Naturally, I covered Fontaine, as the place we were going to visit, but there was only so much I could tell him in such a short amount of time.

Or rather, “head knowledge” was very different from “heart knowledge.” Which was to say, Durin knew that Neuvillette was a dragon, but he didn’t feel the same sense of awe I felt. It was an awe that came only after having completed Fontaine’s Archon Quest, after having borne witness to this nation’s story.

So Durin, the magnificent little shit, took to the sky. He hovered in the air before swooping down towards Neuvillette. Before anyone could react, he latched on to the Iudex’s face and hung there like an obese limpet.

“Daddy? Daddy!” Durin chirped happily.

The palace courtyard was already silent. Now, that respectful silence turned into a silence of a completely different sort. After all, everyone heard my declaration.

Charlotte, that bubblegum-haired professional gossip, immediately began taking pictures on her kamera. I had a feeling I’d just made the front page of the Steambird.

Signora glowered up at me accusingly.

“I blame you for this,” her glare said. It was an unspoken thing, yet conveyed so clearly that there could be no misinterpretation.

My chest filled with pride until I thought I’d burst. I laughed like a loon at Neuvillette’s poleaxed face. How could I not? Durin wasn’t even a year old and my dear boy was already fucking with foreign heads of state.

Truly, this was what it meant to be proud of a son. 

Still chuckling, I plucked him from Neuvillette’s face. “Good job, Durin. I don’t think anyone’s ever silenced ol’ Nebby like that.”

“N-Nebby…?” the Iudex muttered under his breath.

“Sorry about that, Nebby. This is Durin. As you can see, he’s a dragon. And a prankster.”

“So I see… And you are…?”

“I am Euri Lawrence, ex-Knight of Favonius and now a banished wanderer from Mondstadt. I was accused of murder and am here on a journey of atonement,” I said with complete honesty. Although, perhaps said honesty was somewhat undermined by me trying not to burst into laughter.

“I… Why are you proud of this?” he asked, utterly baffled. Then again, a self-professed criminal just listed his crimes to the chief justice without prompting. This likely didn’t happen often.

“I believe I can answer that,” came a voice from within the crowd.

The people parted like the Red Sea, if “Moses” was a towering woman dressed in an immaculately tailored suit. Her hair was ash-gray. Her eyes pierced with all the austerity of the Crimson Moon. She walked with the confidence of a woman who was used to being the deadliest person in the room.

She looked at me, then Durin. Her gaze lowered to Signora-board. For an instant, I saw the barest upward twitch of her lips before she schooled her expression.

“I suspect I am the ‘Father’ he is talking about,” she added. “Signora. How… unusual to see you here. I could have sworn you were busy in Mondstadt.”

“Oh, bite me,” the Fair Lady muttered. Her face, already red with embarrassment, became downright atomic.

“We will discuss your failure in time.” She looked to me with a piercing gaze. “You… You must be the Oracle of Dragonspine.”

“I am called that, yes. I’m surprised you know who I am, Arle.”

“You made a series of predictions nearly a decade ago. Each has come true. There must be a reason you came to seek me out after humiliating my colleague.”

“Hey, it’s her fault,” I shrugged defensively. “She picked this fight even after I promised to give her what she wanted.”

“Oh? Perhaps we should relocate. Come, we can speak somewhere more private.”

“I suppose the Palais is no place for negotiations. It was lovely to meet you in person, Nebby,” I said, waving behind me as I followed after Arlecchino.

Neuvillette, all of Fontaine really, stood in confusion. Which was fine. Serenading this overly stuffy country with a snowpocalypse choir would have been better, but this was good, too.

“Baffle them with bullshit,” was practically my motto at this point. I had every intention of living up to it.

Author’s Note

Durin is cute. Rosalyne and Euri don’t really get along.

For that matter, Rosalyne doesn’t get along with anyone, not even her fellow Harbingers. Arlecchino did express some remorse at her death, but her voice line is pretty clear they weren’t close.

Animal Fact: The kaprosuchus saharicus is a type of extinct crocodile that was originally thought to have been able to gallop at 30-45 miles per hour. These days, paleontologists think it’s speculative, but the crocs do have longer legs, suggesting they spent more time on land than their relatives today. They also have eyes positioned to provide overlapping vision.

On a side note, the name “kaprosuchus” means “boar crocodile” because they have pronounced lower teeth that protrude up beyond the upper jaw.