Homeless Bunny 44 (Patreon)

Homeless Bunny 44

Tianyu Yue

We remained in Menagerie for a week while Weiss hashed things out with Ghira. I wasn’t privy to the exact details, but it seemed the Beacon Dust Company would be gaining its first, official foreign branch. That was just as well. I had more important concerns.

Or really, just the one, mile-long serpent who refused to leave. Quetzalcoatl, the God of the West Wind, was sprawled flat in a tangle of loose coils just outside the city. Which would be fine-ish, if the fucking danger noodle wasn’t literally a mile long and wide enough to deepthroat a skyscraper.

Earlier this week, he cleared a small, comparatively speaking, patch of jungle with a scything blade of wind. A localized hurricane lifted every tree and boulder off the ground, yeeting the lot into the sea miles away. A hammerblow of compressed air compacted the dirt and stumps into what had now become his favorite napping spot.

As for the “why,” the reason was simple: ancient Mesoamerican god or not, he was a snake in the end. Menagerie’s hot, humid climate was perfect for him. He said it reminded him of the rainforests of Panama, his single, favorite place on Earth.

“Oi, oi, danger noodle,” I called, jabbing the oversized snake with my foot. “Why are you still here?”

“Eh? Why not?” he whined. It wasn’t quite as convincing coming from a giant snake-god whose iris alone was bigger than me. “It’s warm here. And delicious food keeps appearing if I lie here.”

“You freeloading piece of shit…”

“Aw, come on, boss. You know you like cooking. I’m doing you a favor by giving you a reason to make more food. See?”

I hated how reasonable that sounded to my ears. If there was one thing this obese linguine had, it was a big, long stomach to fill with food. Still… “No. I refuse to accept this. You’re scaring the locals. Get up.”

He squirmed in place, an action that made his rainbow scales glimmer in undulating ripples. “Don’t you humans have a saying? Even sleeping dogs are allowed to nap, you know.”

“They do. But if you’re going to be here, you’re going to pay rent.”

“Rent? To the humans?”

“Faunus, but yes. If you’re going to use their country as a sunbathing rock, you may as well help them out a bit.”

“But… It’s so warm here…”

“Go kill grimm. There are plenty in the desert.”

“Fine, but tell them I’m coming back as soon as I drop you off in Vale again. I like this place.”

“Suit yourself,” I shrugged.

I didn’t actually have a problem with the world’s longest nope rope sunbathing in Menagerie. If anything, I considered this to be a good thing. Quetzalcoatl had mellowed out considerably since his Mayan and Aztec days so I knew he wouldn’t try to restart the human sacrifice thing.

More to the point, Menagerie was a giant slum. No shade on Ghira, he was doing his best with extremely limited resources and manpower, but it was a nation in name only. In truth, it was more like a colony of outcasts that was constantly at war with nature and grimm. And, the way I saw it, the biggest reason for this was the desert.

Menagerie had no room to expand because the interior of the continent was an inhospitable wasteland. It was hot, arid, and filled with dangerous wildlife hellbent on killing people. So really, it was only slightly worse than Earth’s Australia. 

Given Quetzalcoatl was the god of rain as well as wind, sun, and culture, his presence could turn things around. I just had to get his relationship with the faunus started by giving him a kick in the rear.

And Sienna said I never did anything nice for them. Bah, silly kitten. Queso would make sure the Fang didn’t get any stupid ideas, but he’d also set them on the road to real development.

And speaking of silly kittens, Blake and Ilia finally got together. Things got hot and heavy a few days into our stay here. Apparently, knowing the promise of economic prosperity was a turn-on for them. Either that, or the silly gecko finally confessed to the silly kitten.

Super hearing didn’t come with an off switch so I heard everything. I learned that Ilia, as a chameleon faunus, had a longer than average tongue. I also learned that she picked up Lightning Lash because she drew “inspiration” from Blake’s reading choices.

Truly, to be a bunny was to be graced with forbidden knowledge.

X

Our return to Beacon was met with little fanfare. Most of our friends were still busy with their own commitments.

Pyrrha was still in Argus, recording a commercial for activewear. Last I heard, she was having a miserable time dodging her fan club. Sometimes, I wondered if she’d be happier purposely involving herself in a scandal. That girl was too nice for her own good.

Yang, Miltia, and Melanie weren’t actually in Beacon even though they’d remained in Vale. They were at Junior’s club, catching up on all the work they’d missed as students.

Yang had to work off her debt as a bunnygirl-themed waitress. If the internet was anything to go by, she was very popular and hated every second of it. As I understood it, her temper was part of her charm and a select minority of men considered getting punched by a blonde, busty maid in bunny ears to be a part of the service.

The twins were busy helping Junior manage his criminal empire. As competent as my bunnies were, there were things that needed a human hand, or opposable thumbs. Because we’d taken Vale so rapidly, Junior was facing a shortage of capable administrators who knew how to manage underworld organizations and the twins did know how the mob business worked in the corporate sense.

Which left just Amber, Ruby, Nora, and Ren in Beacon. Amber and Ruby were busy getting their asses handed to them by Ozpin. Nora and Ren spent winter break living out their slice of life, rom-com fantasies. Or, at least, one of them did.

Not even I knew how Ren felt about Nora’s crush. Or if he knew at all, for that matter. It was just about the worst kept secret in Beacon, but he wouldn’t be the densest teenage boy I’d ever met. That title went to this one Japanese boy a hundred years back, a former inter-high baseball player who had nothing to do with the supernatural, yet had somehow managed to build himself a harem entirely without knowing.

“Weiss!” Ruby cried out as she blitzed my little sister. She’d gotten much stronger and faster under Ozpin’s training. Her tackle-hugs had similarly increased in velocity. “You’re back!”

“Oof! Ruby! Get off me!” Weiss complained as she tried to shove the little reaper away. The two rolled right off Queso’s back and continued to roll on Beacon’s nicely manicured lawn.

“Bestie! I missed you!”

“Go annoy Blake! She’s on our team, too!”

“But you’re my partner! My bestie! Ride or die!”

“I choose death!”

I waved Queso goodbye as he flew back south. Really, maybe they’d gotten too used to being around me if Queso’s departure didn’t even raise any eyebrows.

Smiling fondly, I stood with Amber. Ruby and Weiss inevitably dragged Blake into their squabbling. That cat tried her best to upkeep her aloof facade, but the little reaper had a magnetic sort of charisma, provided that charisma was geared towards driving her teammates up the wall.

“You know, Beacon was quiet without the rest of team RWBY,” Amber said with a fond shake of her head.

“Hmm, that doesn’t sound like Ruby at all,” I mused, chuckling softly. “This is her normal.”

“I agree. All is right with the world, so long as we ignore the snake-god you sicced upon Menagerie.”

“Hey, now, he decided that on his own. And it’s not like he’ll be there all the time. He’ll probably just pop in from time to time to sunbathe.”

“Don’t gods have their own palaces and whatnot?”

“Queso’s always been a bit of a wanderer. In the Astral Plane, he can’t go very far without drawing attention to himself. Apparently, a good, warm rock is hard to find if you’re his size. Find one and he inevitably gets challenged by some other god or suicidal idiot.”

“I suppose that’s true. Do you have anything else planned over winter break?” she asked with a thoughtful hum.

“No, I don’t. A bit of relaxation isn’t out of the question.”

“Hmm… Sounds nice, and… optimistic.”

“You wound me, Fall Maiden,” I said with an exaggerated gasp.

“The truth is the sharpest blade, indeed.”

X

Winter Schnee

I stepped off the bullhead, chin held high and back straight with military precision. The air in Vale was a lot warmer than in Atlas, both because of our relative latitude and the floating city’s elevation. Still, I couldn’t quite suppress the chill that ran down my spine. 

Normally, I would have been delighted to come to Beacon. It was a chance to visit my sister, whom I did not get to see nearly enough. She was bound to become a powerful, graceful huntress; her determination would see her far. With the Vytal Festival coming up, I knew she’d be training harder than ever.

Yet, duty called. I’d never shied away from serving my country, but I couldn’t help wishing I could have served in another way. Vale meant Weiss, yes, but it also meant Tianyu, the strange, eccentric bunny-god who’d decided to adopt himself into my family. As best anyone could tell, he was everything he claimed he was, and that terrified the Atlas Council for all the right reasons.

I shivered. I still remembered the feel of the giant serpent’s tongue on my body. It had been slimy, squishy, and warm yet impossibly strong. I’d suffered many defeats as a huntress in my life, but never had I felt so helpless. Never had I sympathized with a popsicle before. Never had I wanted to. The thought that the master of Queso–and what a ridiculous name that was–was here in Vale made me want to hop right back on that bullhead and fly back to Atlas.

Alas, I could not. I was a woman of duty. I’d never fled from a mission before and I wasn’t about to start now. As things stood, the Atlas Council was one “freaky magic bullshit” from declaring war. On who exactly, I wasn’t sure. Vale? The bunny mafia that supposedly ruled the kingdom’s underworld? Tianyu the individual? It certainly wouldn’t be against the mile-long serpent who humiliated our entire navy on a whim.

What I did know was that it would be a monumentally foolish decision. So, here I was, sent to clean up my family drama. Or at least, keep a lid on it. General Ironwood didn’t say it in those words exactly, but he’d reassured the council by telling them that I would be present on the ground to “represent Atlas’ interests and keep an eye on the situation.”

Everything General Ironwood told me to brief me for this mission sounded like the plot of a bad fantasy novel. The origin of humanity. The Brother Gods. The messiest divorce in history. The Queen of the Grimm. Had it not been for my personal encounter with the snake-god, I would have questioned my superior.

I entered the headmaster’s elevator. In the enclosed space, I permitted the mask of professionalism to slip for just a moment and let out a long, tired sigh. I hadn’t even begun but I’d never felt so out of my depth as I did now. No military training or discipline could have prepared me for this.

The elevator doors opened, revealing Headmaster Ozpin’s office. It was a stark, gray space that somehow looked even more minimalist than General Ironwood’s office. Here, I found Ozpin and his assistant, the ever-reincarnating “Wizard Ozma” and… someone I was reasonably sure was not actually a witch, surname aside. 

Headmaster Ozpin sat behind his desk, fingers steepled in thought. I felt my back straighten subconsciously as his eyes gazed over me. What did he see in me? He’d been both the first and last king of Vale, and who knew how many more besides.

Was he comparing me to the knights of ages past? Did I remind him of a friend? An enemy? Had there ever been an event in history as monumental as my ridiculous family drama?

“Welcome, Specialist Schnee,” he said. His voice was cordial, but revealed nothing of his thoughts. He took a sip from his coffee mug. “I trust your flight was uneventful.”

“It was, headmaster,” I said stiffly. “I heard a great deal and I admit, I am… confused.”

“Yes, that is to be expected. I assure you, everything James told you is true. You have encountered a god already.”

“I wish I hadn’t. He… left quite an impression.”

“Gods do tend to do that, yes, even when they are not hostile,” he said wryly. “Would you like tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate? Tianyu keeps my office well-supplied.”

“Coffee would be fine, thank you.” I took a deep breath. There was that, possibly the most baffling part of it all. “Tianyu… What is he? He can’t possibly be a chef.”

“It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? What would you do with cosmic power? What would you change about the world, if only you could speak your will into law?”

“I don’t know, but I would not be a chef.”

“True. And yet, he is. He views his power, not as a duty or obligation, but simply as a fact of his existence, no different than his hair or fingernails. It is a part of him, but not something that shapes his identity.”

“I guess we can be grateful for that. I shudder to think what a more selfish person would do with his power.”

“I have seen many such people. The world is better without them,” Ozpin said softly. His eyes dimmed, remembering all the horrors of history he’d lived through. “As it is, he causes enough chaos simply by existing.”

“That he does,” Glynda said with a frustrated frown. 

The rich aroma of perfectly roasted beans tickled my nose. With a single sniff, I could tell that this coffee surpassed anything I’d ever had in the Schnee manor. The coffee in the military canteen didn’t even belong to the same species in comparison.

I brought the offered mug to my lips. Everything about it was perfect, from its gentle warmth to the rich, caramel aftertaste it left behind. There was no sugar, but no bitterness, either. It reminded me of home, not my home specifically, but the idealized dream I’d abandoned in my youth.

For a moment, I allowed my eyes to close, to simply be still and savor its richness. All my troubles vanished, washed away in the clearest example of divine grace I’d ever known.

I took a deep breath and allowed the drink to settle my stomach. “How do you manage him?”

“That, specialist, is the fun part: You don’t,” Ozpin said with another sip from his mug. “Personally, I like to sit back, enjoy the delicious food, and luxuriate in the fact that this world is no longer mine to guide. Truthfully, it is quite a liberating feeling.”

“B-But, you’re Ozpin!” I sputtered in shock. This was the great hero, several great heroes. “You’re the first king of Vale, and the last! You are Beacon’s headmaster!”

“I was, and am, all those things, yes. It is with the weight of experience that I can truly say that he is not evil, Miss Schnee. Nor is he an existential threat to Remnant, or Atlas. The only way he becomes a threat is if you make him one. I highly advise against it.”

“No, he is merely an existential threat to your sanity,” Glynda said sardonically. At my bewildered expression, she continued, “That is Ozpin’s method. If you wish to be a little more proactive, I have found that he can be bargained with.”

“Bargianed with?” I repeated. She said that as if she was referring to an eldritch god or devil from the depths of hell. “How do you bargain with someone like that? Someone who has everything?”

“He does not have everything. If anything, he seems to intentionally leave room for others to approach him. Find out what he wants, then give it to him. He will permit you to make demands of him in exchange, such as not making a mockery of my combat class.”

“And Weiss? The Beacon Dust Company. What do we do about that?”

“We run the BDC like any other corporation,” she said simply. “As for your sister, that depends on you: What exactly do you hope to accomplish with your presence here, Winter?”

“I… I don’t truly know,” I admitted quietly. “On paper, I am here to keep an eye on things, but I am under no delusions about my ability to stop him.”

Ozpin nodded in agreement. “James sent you here to create the illusion that something is being done. Your council needs to see this, to see that they are not helpless. I suppose, in that sense, your presence itself is the mission.”

“There has to be something more I can do. I refuse to waste my time standing around as some political prop,” I protested. I felt helpless, like I was back in one of my father's galas. The only thing I regretted about giving up the heiress position was saddling its weight on Weiss’ shoulders.

“There is. Get to know him,” Ozpin said plainly. “Do not try to manipulate or out-maneuver him. You will fail. But, if you make an honest effort to build a relationship with him, I have found that he has been accommodating of the people in his life, especially his adopted sister.”

“I suppose… Apologies, headmaster. I’m having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my family drama is now apparently the cornerstone of global security.”

He let out a bark of laughter at that. “As the youth like to say, join the club, Winter Schnee.”

Author’s Note

Here comes Winter. Funnily enough, the person who might understand and sympathize with her best is Ruby. She was the only one who got to sit in on that chat between Tianyu and Ozpin. Sure, the twins and Amber know everything, but let’s be honest, they’ve long since stopped giving a fuck.

Animal Fact: Lone star ticks live in the Southern United States and Northern Mexico. Or, they used to. While historically, they’ve been found in the Southern United States, their range has been expanding. Some have been found in the Midwest, East, and even as far north as coastal Maine.

This is concerning. For one, the bite is painless, which means you will not notice. Two, they can remain attached and feeding for anywhere from one to ten days. Three, and most importantly, their bites can cause alpha-gal syndrome (AGS).

Some of you who are from Texas (the “Lone Star State” that gives the ticks their name) probably know what AGS does. Basically, it makes you allergic to red meat (pork, beef, lamb) and dairy. It can potentially cause your throat to swell closed and die, which means a tick can stuff a body bag via hamburger.

The hilarious part about this is that AGS is not a poison. Nor is it a bacteria, virus, or anything else you’d expect of a tick. Nope, alpha-gal is a type of sugar known as galactose-α-1,3-galactose. So how does the tick cause AGS?

Alpha-gal is produced by most mammals naturally, but not humans. When the lone star tick bites, it can transfer some of these sugar molecules into the bloodstream. And, because it is not recognized by the body’s immune system, the body attacks it. 

It has a lot in common with a vaccine, doesn’t it? You’re injected with a foreign substance. The body fights it. Then, the next time you ingest said substance (via red meat), the body recognizes it and fights back, inciting an allergic reaction.

However, that comparison is a bit of a false equivalency. Like I said, alpha-gal isn’t a virus. And, only some people who are bitten by lone star ticks develop AGS. We don’t know why that is, but adults are more likely to develop AGS than children.