Earth Fathers, chapter 5 (Patreon)

I'm having a horrible time keeping these in order.  I wrote two chapters and posted chapter 6 first, so here's five and after I go get an early dinner or late snack, I'll put six up again.

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With a sigh, Max cracked his back and stood. He was pretty sure the “chair” Rick had found him was an alien torture device. The sloping top and awkward height didn’t lend themselves to working on the translation matrix for long periods of time. And like all the “rooms” in the ship, there was barely space for him to stand and take two steps. 

Of course, the computer wasn’t helping either. Either the computer thought Max was a brain damaged four year old or the system was set up to maximize frustration. After identifying twenty different colors as “blue,” Max never wanted to see the color again. And he couldn’t figure out how the system chose topics. One hour he would be identifying colors, and the next looking at pictures of machines he couldn’t hope to recognize as the computer highlighted certain parts for translation.

Maybe that’s why the computer thought he was an idiot.

The door opened, and relief washed through Max. Awkward half-conversations with Rick were infinitely better than working on the computer matrix. “Rick, my buddy, my friend. Save me from the evil computer.”

One of Rick’s tentacles twitched. Max was going to have to turn up the attitude. On good days he could get three or four of them to curl. “Translation matrix has failed,” Max said. “Define evil.”

“Evil. Sadistic. Serving the dark forces. Causing pain. The enjoyment of others’ pain. Evil.”

“Query. Correlation Darth Vader.”

“Exactly,” Max said happily. He might be trapped light years from home with no idea of where home might actually be, but at least he could corrupt the language of entire new species. Max took his pleasure where he could find it.

“Query. Do does what how Max designate computer to call Darth Vader?”

That had been as clear as crude oil. He Max made a mental note to work with the computer on the structure of questions. “Answer. No. I dislike computer now. Darth Vader is evil always.”

“Computer dislikes you,” Rick said. Either the computer had an artificial intelligence or Rick was developing an attitude. Max liked it. Rick waved his talking-tentacle, the one most likely to twitch or curl when communicating. “Come for health to offspring.”

“Query. When will I see offspring?”

Rick’s answer was a cacophony of untranslatable notes. So far the computer and Max had found no common ground on time. Apparently Max sucked at estimating a minute because the computer kept informing him that his examples failed to match. It would have helped if the military ship hadn’t confiscated every piece of technology including his wrist watch. Until he figured out how to count to sixty-Mississippi accurately, any discussions of time ended in failure. 

So they would go pick up the kids when Rick was good and ready. Until then, Max was free to wander the ship and work on translations. “Right. So what are we doing for the health of offspring who are not even on the ship?”

Rick pivoted on his leg tentacle and left the room. 

Max muttered, “Okay. Sure. I’d be happy to go with you. Thank you so much for asking.” Sarcasm was so much more effective when the other person understood English. Rick took the passage that would take them to the interior of the ship. So far Max had focused more on the outer corridors. They were larger and allowed Max to run laps. His explorations had revealed that the ship was less a maze and more of a spiderweb of corridors that crossed and recrossed. 

Experienced servicemen and women loved to play head games with newbies lost on various ships and bases. Navigating both were infamously difficult. However, Max dared anyone to compare an aircraft to the crazy logic of alien ships. Even the military ship had been crisscrossed with passages, although Max’s escorts had never allowed him to explore.

“Query. Where?” Max asked.

“There,” Rick answered.

“I should have seen that coming. You are very Yoda-like. Yoda was Luke Skywalker’s teacher. I should probably tell you that Luke is the real hero of the story. I just like Darth Vader’s story more.”

“Darth Vader evil.”

“Yes.”

Rick stopped and leaned toward Max. “Query. Evil, preference for.”

Max had stuck his foot in his mouth that time. “No. I don’t like evil. I find evil interesting to talk about.” The last thing he needed was for Rick to decide that Max couldn’t be trusted around children. As it was, he kept pressing about Max’s time in the military. Maybe he still had Max on a probationary period. If so, he was one seriously overprotective parent of indiscriminate gender.

Rick bugled something untranslatable and then headed down the corridor again. Hopefully Max had passed the test and convinced his boss that he wasn’t going to turn the children to the dark side. However, Max should probably avoid Star Wars discussions in the future. Maybe Babylon 5 with the message that evil was more about misunderstanding and selfish manipulations would be more in line. Then he could give Rick the impression that he was just a conniving manipulator and not a psychopath. That would be so much better. “Or I need to learn to keep my mouth closed,” Max said aloud. He had always been a social man and this isolation was driving him a little batty. If he had to police his language more, he might just have the psychotic break Rick clearly worried about.

A door slid open and Rick glided into a room with a giant pool in the center. “Oh my God. Is that a swimming pool?” Max moved into the room reverently. It was more likely a radioactive cooling pool, but a man could dream. This was the largest open space he had seen yet. Gently sloping sides went all the way around the room and in the center was a round, larger-than-Olympic sized pool. Quick currents moved out from four pipes that rose from the bottom of the floor and each had stair-step rocks around it so it created quick moving, small waterfalls that darted down the uneven surface, randomly changing their chosen path from one second to another.

“Query. Define swim.”

That was tricky. If the water was contaminated or radioactive, Max absolutely did not want to give Rick the idea that Max wanted to get in. So instead of answering, he asked a question of his own. “Query. Is water safe?”

“Healthy,” Rick assured him, and then, as if to prove his point, he walked straight down the slope and into the water. As the water rose over his tentacles, Rick began to wave his tentacles in very octopus-like ways. Max looked away. Rick’s nudity might be normal for him, but every once in a while, Max had pornographic thoughts that made him feel like an ass. After all, Rick had only wanted to do a physical exam, and thanks to Max and his uncontrolled dick, things had gotten very awkward.

“Query. Define swim,” Rick asked again. The water muted his natural voice so it sounded more musical, but he wore the translator on his hat/tool belt, so it sounded the same.  Max glanced at his wrist translator. If it died, Max would be more screwed than ever. However, if he took it off, he wouldn’t be able to speak to Rick. Max moved to the door, and in a millisecond, Rick was out of the water and standing near him, all his tentacles twitching.

“Answer,” Max said. “Swim is to move, to walk, in the water.”

Rick’s tentacles stilled. “Query. Human preference for swim.”

“Answer. It varies. I love to swim. Translator. Leave here. I will swim.” Since the floors sloped slightly, Max didn’t want to have such an important piece of equipment in the room. He opened the door and set the translator next to the wall in the corridor. Now Rick wouldn’t be able to understand anything he said, although Rick’s translator would still be able to generate English.

Once the door closed, Max stripped off his clothes. Honestly, as much as the tiny sink in his quarters sucked for cleaning clothes, he should probably just wear them into the water, but then he wouldn’t have anything to put on when he got out. The ship wasn’t particularly warm.

Taking the translator off, freed Max to speak his mind. “If this were a porn, I know exactly how it would end.” He tested the water temperature with his foot. It had a touch of chill, just enough to encourage swimming rather than lazing around on a floaty. Throwing caution and the risk of radioactive contamination to the wind, Max belly flopped into the water and then dove under the surface. The four currents made the water unpredictable. Max dove deep without finding the bottom. He just touched the sloping bottom of the pool and then had to come up for a breath. 

When he broke the surface, he gasped, both because of the need for air and because Rick was inches away, one of his large eyes right in Max’s face.

Max flopped backward. “Hey. Warn a guy,” he complained before he did a few backstrokes. 

“Query. Swim Max currently?” Rick asked.

“Yes,” Max said, even though without the translator, he didn’t give Rick good odds of understanding. Maybe had figured out the simpler English words—the ones Max used often. He flipped around and switched to a breast stroke as he covered the distance to the far side. Most rooms on the ship were little more than cubicles with one entrance. Others were central hubs with a dozen exits. This room had two doors. Weird. Max was equally baffled about why aliens would install a swimming pool. Sure, The Doctor had one and watching Leela swim had nearly made Max reconsider his sexual orientation. However, fictional aliens didn’t have much in common with real ones.

More than that, Max had no idea how one navigated with this much unstable and unsecured weight. If the ship had any gravitational forces pulling at it, the mass of the water would be an absolutely nightmare. He had certified on a 135 Stratotanker, and that thing had flown like a fucking tank with wings. But this pool held more water than that old beast carried fuel.

When the Nish had fled into the atmosphere, maybe this was why the military ship couldn’t follow. If they had a giant swimming pool, it would make navigating near a planet miserable.

Max dove under the surface again and kicked through the water. The slide of warm tentacles across his leg startled him so much that he lost his air and had to surface fast. Again, Rick was right next to him. “Okay, you have to keep your tentacles to yourself because I am having pornographic flashbacks to my last checkup. Honestly, you could make a killing as a naughty doctor if you ever moved to earth. I know people who would pay a whole lotta money for a little tentacle love.”

Max backstroked away from the tentacles floating in the water around Rick’s head and his wet hat. “I feel totally guilty about how I reacted to what, for you, was a health exam. I know human doctors are generally unamused when someone comes all over them. Of course, I came on myself as much as you, but that’s not the point.”

Max wasn’t sure what the point was. Rick swam closer, but he was moving slower now.

“You know something is wrong, but you are not going to ever guess what. I’m caught between humiliation and guilt. You know, I’ve jerked off a couple of times thinking about your tentacles, and considering you’re my boss, that’s in the not-good column. I turned a medical exam into a sexual situation when you don’t even understand what happened. I’d confess what a shitty human being I am, only I don’t think the translation matrix is up to feelings yet. If it were, you probably would have shared your thoughts. Hopefully you’re confused and not grossed out by the human spunk you got on your tentacles.”

Max turned in the water and swam away. He saw Rick swimming for the edge, his head held up while all his tentacles did the spread and swoosh think Max had seen in videos of octopus. He climbed out and headed for the door, and Max switched over to floating. The current dragged him closer to one of the four tiny islands with their waterfalls. When he drifted close enough, he put his hand out and let warmer water run over his palm.

Rick didn’t even let the door close before he returned. He swam closer and raised one of his tentacles with Max’s translator held firmly in his finger tentacles.

Max sighed. “I seriously hope that’s water proof.” He fastened it around his wrist.

“Query. Human swim, human walk, preference.”

Either the translator was improving or Max was getting better at filling in the words Rick didn’t use. “Preference walk. Swimming is enjoyment.”

Rick gave another whale blast and Max was grateful the water dulled the noise. However, he then added. “Query. Correlation swim and run.”

Max laughed. When he’d started running the outer corridors, that had upset Rick no end. It had taken Max almost an hour to pry all Rick’s tentacles off him and explain that humans were healthier and happier if they ran. Rick pretended to understand, but every time Max ran, Rick would show up in one of the corridors. Unless Max missed his guess, Rick considered him slightly brain damaged. At least Rick seemed more supportive of swimming.

“Answer. High correlation swim and run. I enjoy both.” Max gasped when tentacles gently brushed his leg. Rick made self-control very difficult. Max swam backward to get a little more distance between them.

“Humans are” Rick ended with a belching sound. Max was pretty sure he didn’t want to know what Rick was saying. He gave another set of blasts, this time a mixture of burbs and whalesong. The translator only sent through “children” and “healthy.”

“That’s good. Query. Can I see them?” Max swam farther away, but Rick followed. Another brush of tentacle against ankle made Max think such dirty, dirty thoughts.

“Not visible. See at time to come.”

“As paranoid fathers go, you’re good. You’re really good. If you have a daughter, I suspect a shotgun is going to feature in her future dating life.”

“Translation Matrix—”

“Failure. Yeah. Shocking.” Life hated Max. But if the only way to improve communication was to go back to the damn matrix improvement project, he would have to suck it up. It wasn’t like he had anything else to do until Rick decided to go pick up his kids.