where I am/update (still hiatus) (Patreon)

Overdue for a quick update.

Just to make the point clear and simple, I'll likely be continuing to pause pledges until the start of the new year. I'll do my best to keep everyone updated! You are more than welcome to stay being a patron, you won't be charged for anything this year likely. And if that does change, I will warn people a good month+ ahead of time. Stay, leave, rejoin--whatever works for you! I can't thank anyone enough for all the support through this rough spot in my life.

To explain more in depth:

I say this with some uncertainty as I'm sort of in a phase of reorganizing, relearning, and deciding how I want to continue my creative ventures. I don't ever want to say this in a permanent sense--who knows how things will change in a few months or a few years. There's still 5 months for 2019 and I'm hoping that will give me the time I need to decide what I want short or long term, while still being open and flexible.

Life has been bumpy, not going to lie. Most friends of mine should know a lot of it, or maybe even the passerby, acquaintance, or distant family. In the past two years I've been in the hospital twice, have had a variety of funerals to attend (sadly, one included my dad), medical withdrawal from college, car issues, lots of generalized life stress, debt incurred to survive, and a lot more. When you add in personal struggles such as my chronic health and mental well-being, I've been very overwhelmed to explain it mildly. It's life--nothing special or unique. We all have our battles. But 2019 has definitely been a year where I've personally had to have a full stop and...let go. It's a long burnout for life itself, and sadly art included.

I haven't been 'active' with art since I was hospitalized in April of last year. I'd say roughly before that, I would average about 5 days a week of focusing on drawing, and those days would be around 4-10 hours. These days, I maybe doodle for 30 minutes or so once or twice a week. When I think about it and see the art I have done per year, it's staggering. I'm still processing that. In 2017 I created over 300 drawings, doodles, illustrations, and comics. At this point I don't think I can bring myself to say what has transpired was bad, but still isn't good either. It's understandable, but at the end of the day I'm left in limbo. Beforehand I had my art breaks, but the longest was only a few months and I still had moments of genuine art time. To be past a year in this state is almost unsettling, nearly unnatural. I've been drawing extremely actively since I was probably around 12--that's a 15 year habit I've just completely stopped. But it is what it is.

What have I been doing? I work as a grocery clerk/customer service, art teaching, and still been open for occasionally babysitting. I still have a grossly small amount of energy as of now, so on the surface you'd think I would have enough time for art. And while I am gaining ground with caring for myself and compromising with my limitations, there's still a lot of work to do--and to be fair that journey is never-ending. But I have yet to hit that threshold where I can regularly see myself drawing, much less capitalizing on it and growing a business.

I've been exploring various options--to continue to float along and let it rest, to move on completely, to change to more of a hobbyist, and variations. Personally, I've come to a point where if any or all happened here, I'd probably learn to accept it. It's currently hard to discern though what could be depression/giving up, and what is just some mindfulness and acceptance of change. I think it's a mix of both. From a practical standpoint I'm simply out of training and very out of my element, not to mention trying to somewhat function as a human with jobs and responsibility while juggling chronic illnesses. But there's still this spite and prideful side of me--I don't want to give up!

'Giving up' might be a bit too pessimistic, but when you grew up your entire life knowing what you wanted (to be an artist), then basically stopping cold turkey...it's not that great of a feeling. I always thought it was a good thing that I always knew what I wanted to be, as I feel most people struggle with finding their place with hobbies and careers. It kind of feels like a curse at this time. I really want to get back to where I was--but I also know things can't go back to how they were. That's kind of a good thing! I was not being healthy about my art and career--I lacked dedication, consistency, basic business skills, goals, all that. To boot I was clearly objectifying myself and my art--placing unfair standards and worth to myself. "If I stopped art, I am not a useful or valid human being. I'm not fulfilling my dreams. I'm not capitalizing my passion and following through with what I wanted."

This is clearly a very toxic mindset for so many reasons and that's a whole different can of worms. And I'm working on that--through journaling, counseling, meditation, changing my diet, medication… the list goes on and on. I don't want to incorrectly see my goal with an end point. But I would like to reach some sort of balance.

I suppose that's something will come to be sorted in time. But I also clearly see that things won't change if I continue doing what I'm doing now. Will making myself draw everyday be the key?

I'm comparing it to if you were an athlete or similar. You had an injury and fell out of your passion for a long time since it was impossible and dangerous to continue as so. Even when you want to start up again, the fear resides with the lingering wound. You can't start back to where you were, so it's really confusing and justly scary that you must begin with very minimal and basics again, including the realism of retraining your muscles, mind, and more. A lot of this probably is because you started the passion as a child, and we usually have some form of raw bravery and ignorance about failure, time, and self-doubt. It felt so natural and easy back then.

So, the pain of restarting is a lot and completely on foreign ground. It's not really an issue of pride in terms of 'how dare I have to stoop to first walking before running!' (maybe a bit), but it's almost discerning what you took for granted--that drive, dedication, motivation, inspiration. And worst of all a lot of that is fickle and non-reliable. You need to decide is it worth the pain to gain it again? Do you even want it now?

I see nothing wrong if people decide to change their passion and hobbies. If anything by having that view or locking yourself in one central inflexible box, it will often make you miserable. If a friend came up to me and told me they were moving on from their passion, whether it's art or writing or even a ‘practical' career like business or healthcare--I would be supportive and encouraging. And it's not to say that they can never go back to that! Or maybe even a bit of both or more! Life is so fluid and we learn a lot by continually being open and exploring new things.

But then it comes down to something else: people DO have substantial and unbroken love to various things. Though I avoid the term fate, people often will always deviate back to what they love or feel what's 'meant to be'. It can be encoded in their personality. Some people are sharp and excellent with math and statistics. Others are artsy like myself, and some have a selfless drive to heal others. Do you just throw that all away because you hit a rough patch in life?

An obvious flaw of mine is overthinking and staying in the grey--I dizzily jump between things and can't stay concrete in a belief or thought, because I always see the 'what ifs' and 'should haves' and 'buts'. Sure, probably a good thing to keep yourself open and healthy for change…it also has the massive drawback of being unable to stay dedicated and you lose a lot of massive potential and personal aspirations.

This is my current state of being. I've had my time to grieve, I've come to accept it overall. But now what?

I can't answer that question, and maybe in some ways I don't have to, or at least not now. But I do know I love creating and sharing and inspiring. There's nothing wrong too with the attention and fiscal side if handled well! It depends on person to person. I just want to figure out some sort of solid foundation so I'm not aimless and afraid.

This is getting grossly long and I've made my point more than clear, I hope. If anyone else is going through this in some way or form, I'd love to hear your story! Even if you've gotten past it, in-between like me, or maybe has just happened--please share! Not only with myself, but for others sake too. This can be so horrifying and depressing to feel lost in something you once loved unconditionally. Let's not go through this alone.

If you made it through my rambly and long unprofessional writing, congrats! You get an invisible cookie! Or something. But for real, thank you all so much. Friends, supporters, family. This is a gentle callout to others in my situation, and a rally of love and acceptance to find what you're looking for. Hang in there, don't give up--sometimes that means simply crawling along and having some setbacks, but keep moving. You'll get there and then reach the next chapter of your story.

Love you all,

Susannah Livengood