Update / / / Progress! (Patreon)

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry! Well, trying to continue focusing on what I've done vs. not.

I appreciate everyone's patience, support, and care; I repeat this all the time, and I don't want that to feel empty--I try to say it as much as I can. I'm still dedicated to doing better with keeping others in the loop...even if it's delayed. It's progress. Slow, but earnestly.

In the last post, I talked about being diagnosed with a health condition that often is connected with fibromyalgia. MRIs, X-rays, blood tests, doctor visits, and then some. Of course, healing isn't linear, but feeling validated over the whole You Were Not Faking It and You Were Legit Sick is...such a blessing. Medication updates, physical therapy, exercise, and other forms of help have been invaluable. It's night and day; I don't know how else to explain it.

Life wait's for no one. Pablo and I got COVID around April, which took both of us out of work for a couple weeks (thankfully, we're okay! Make sure to get your vaccine/booster, it saved our butts).

Then Pablo was hospitalized again for another week due to his health conditions. He's okay, thank goodness.

It got me thinking about my dad; he was in and out of the hospital because of pancreatic cancer. It's been three years since his passing (Mar 27th); it wasn't long after my previous post. I face different aspects of it as the years go on. I've been missing him; his solidness, genius, and support. It reminds me of how fragile and unfair life can be. I would hope he'd be relieved to know that my health is finally improving and I'm in a healthy long-term relationship (says the daughter who always told her dad that relationships were dumb and just wanted to be a crazy cat lady)

I explore and accept a lot of this; creativity does seem to come from the cracks. There are stories, lessons, and inspiration to share. But, for someone who has had a...very eventful and tumultuous life, you'd think I'd take more from it. Instead, I think I'm finally at a place to explore it.

By May, I was drained from sickness, COVID, Pablo's health/stress related to being a teacher during this time, and other life factors. In addition, I was struggling with the stability that life presented to me.

I was hoping to come to terms with it or realize that life "before" wasn't bad. And I mean, it wasn't all bad. I'm alive and had and have wonderful people in my life. But the lack of continual stress, hardships, bedridden level sickness--it's kind of absurd. I didn't know what to do with myself. I mistook energy and happiness often as a form of anxiety or mania. I was struggling to cope with hope and stability. Stressful circumstances still happen, as shown above. But...wow, I can function? I can exercise more? I can keep the apartment clean? I can handle just...thinking, enjoying things, automated functions???

Is this how ordinary people often function?!

It's a bit of an ongoing joke among my friends. What a concept, Sue! When you're sick, you can't be healthy and function!!! WOW. Do you mean I'm not lazy???

It's heavily laced sarcasm and fairly poking at my talent at immediately blaming and being hard on myself--but gentle validation for me. Honestly, it's been one of the most freeing feelings. Because not everyone has been like my friends. 15 years of many not understanding, implying you're too much, or not enough, or won't get far... it eats at you. It's going to take a long time to work through it still.

I remember a recent conversation with my mom on the phone. I updated her about medical and health changes over the past few months. I was overtaken by emotions when my mom excitedly said, "You sound happy, Susannah!"

It's...again, hard to describe? It's as if I woke up from a coma or suddenly saw colour for the first time in 15 years. I just wanted to break down in tears...well, I probably have multiple times. But I know what my mom means and the memories that surfaced. There's a lot I gave up on in those 15 or so years. I gave up even more before and around when my dad passed away. But now? Everything has changed. Some say I'm finally getting back what I've put into our world. Good things are finally coming, what I deserve. I'm not sure, but I know so much of this was possible because friends and family believe that there is light eventually. Pablo has done so much; I never thought I'd find someone like him. It really was a catalyst to have hope again.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my usual ramble-themed journals! I am hesitant to state immediate plans, future posts, and art in general. Instead, I'll do my best to focus on what I can do, keep improving myself, and hopefully, sooner than later, show all that I have planned--and new content is coming!

Love you all!

Susannah / SueDraws