Chasing Butterflies Chapter 28: Food for Thought (Patreon)

Olivia gulped, trying to hide her discomfort behind a smile. “Of course I’m ok. Just… wanted to try something different today.”

Her dad gave her a dubious look. “Uh-huh. And the whole past week. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you leaving your pizza crusts and mac and cheese behind.”

She cringed back into her seat. She’d been trying to be subtle, but apparently her efforts were left a little wanting. Whoops.

Her dad’s expression softened. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for you trying new stuff, sweetie. I’m just curious… and a bit worried. Is there something going on? Something bothering you? You can talk to me.”

Olivia’s gaze fell to her lap. Of course her dad would have questions. He was her dad. Thinking that she could change a lifetime’s worth of eating habits without him noticing was simply absurd. Even last time around, when such changes had been accompanied by a slew of others to her personality and confidence, that particular visit home from college had seen him remark on her food preferences first.

I can’t just pretend that it’s not happening. And I don’t think I’m strong enough to suffer through another five plus years of food-induced despair, especially with all of the nightmare fuel this regression has already given me… I have to explain it. The real question is, how?

She took a deep breath and looked up. Her dad’s brow furrowed in obvious concern. It melted away any thought of lying or avoiding the issue longer.

“I’m just… trying to be a bit healthier,” she began slowly. “Just in case.”

Her dad frowned. “You’re not unhealthy, sweetie.”

That's not true. I'm thin, but that doesn’t mean I’m healthy.

But instead of contradicting him directly, Olivia nodded. “I know, but I could be eating a lot better. Living off of pasta and pizza and sweets isn’t good for anyone.”

Her dad's frown deepened as she spoke. “That’s not all you eat.”

“It’s pretty close. The healthiest thing in our pizzas is probably the sausage, and even that’s debatable. Not that it’s your fault, of course,” she quickly reassured him. “I realize that I’ve been a picky eater. That’s why… I decided to make a change.”

He fell silent for a moment, deep in thought. Olivia waited patiently as he digested her statement. When he finally spoke again, his words were carefully measured.

“Are you worried about your weight? Did someone at school say something to you?”

“What? No! Nothing like that,” she quickly shot the idea down.

He didn’t blink. “Sweetie. I’m here for you. Don’t feel like you have to be as thin as one of those celebrities just to be pretty. You’re already beautiful, and there’s such a thing as being too thin.”

 “I’m not getting bullied or made fun of or anything like that,” Olivia reassured him with a bit of exasperation. “And I’m not trying to lose weight. I promise. I won’t lie and say I’m completely free from self image issues, but that’s really not it. I’m doing this for my own health. That’s all.”

It wasn’t the wildest conclusion to draw. This was the era where anorexia was always in the news. She’d run across a few articles about it during her own searches through the web. But that wasn’t her issue. This kind of disconnect between herself and the figure that stared back in the mirror didn’t stem from the same source as most high school girls’ insecurities.

After a long moment of scrutiny, her dad nodded slowly. “Then… All right. Like I said, I’m all for you trying new things. I just wanted to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

Olivia relaxed in her seat. “Yeah. I get it. Thanks, dad.”

He smiled. “Well, I guess that means we’ll need to change up our grocery routine, eh? Now that your secret’s out, you won’t have to sneak sausage and ground beef into the basket anymore.”

She blushed. Just because he hadn’t said anything didn’t mean her actions had gone unnoticed. He paid for the stuff. Obviously. It was still embarrassing, though.

“So. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

And so she did. She laid out some of the things she was looking to avoid, as well as those that she hoped to focus on more in her diet. She kept it pretty general—less carbs and sugars, more protein. There was no point in bringing up the more specific stuff she’d discovered throughout her life. That list was far too long and specific to be of real use. Besides, it would probably just raise more questions.

Her dad listened quietly the entire time, with only an occasional nod or question directed her way. Explaining it all like this honestly felt… nice. Like Olivia had managed to set down one burden at least. There were so many secrets she kept, so much knowledge that threatened to spill out at the slightest wrong move, that letting this one out gave her a palpable feeling of relief.

It was a change, a greater one than she’d hoped to make. But then, she’d already committed to this one, hadn’t she? Letting her dad in on those changes was hardly a big step past that.

“All right. I think we can pull that off.” Her dad said when she’d finished. “Though I can’t promise any miracles. Cooking isn’t exactly my strong suit. I can make a mean bowl of boxed mac and cheese, but past that…” He scratched his chin with a grimace.

“I can help with that,” Olivia quickly offered. There was a reason they defaulted to premade meals and eating out when she was a kid. But she’d spent enough years as a housewife that she could make her favorite recipes blindfolded. “I’ll help cook.”

Her dad shook his head. “Look at you. Not even a month into high school and you’re already getting all independent… Stop growing up so fast, will you?”

“Better watch out. I’ll be growing even faster once I get all that protein in me.” Olivia grinned. “I might get a growth spurt off this meal alone.”

He chuckled before turning to look around the diner. A young girl traipsed up to the jukebox, standing on her tiptoes to stick a quarter in the slot. The bulky thing blared to life with a static-y jazz number from decades past.

“You know, this all reminds me of your Grandma Maya a bit,” he said suddenly. “Whenever she and your mom would have me over for dinner, it’d always be the healthiest thing I’d eaten all week… Of course, she had to be that way. Diabetes and all. Though I never knew her to pass up a warm piece of pie, just like her daughter…”

Olivia gave a halfhearted chuckle. Her dad cocked an eyebrow at her. She looked away, trying not to shift, but something in her face must have betrayed her.

“Is… is that what you’re afraid of? Diabetes?” His eyes opened wide in realization.

She winced, looking away. “I mean… not really…”

“You’re way too young to be worrying about diabetes. You’re fifteen, sweetie!”

“I know, I know!” She hurried to reassure him, trying to defuse her dad’s worry. “It’s… I’m not worried about it right now. I also just feel way better if I don’t eat that kind of stuff. My mind is more clear, my mood is better… I feel less tired, too. I’m wondering if blood sugar spikes might be messing with me a bit.”

And that’s not going into the depression, joint pain, or sudden and inexplicable headaches, but let’s not freak him out too much.

He looked at her for a long moment. A very long moment. Just when Olivia began to wonder whether her dad would open his mouth, he spoke. “All right.”

“All right?”

He rapped his knuckles on the table. “I’ll set up a doctor’s appointment. We’ll get you tested as soon as we can. It might take a couple of weeks to get you in, I’m not sure how busy they are. But—”

Olivia’s eyes widened in horror. “No, no, no! Dad, it’s ok! You don’t—”

“I do, sweetie. This is serious. Even if it’s not full diabetes yet, we need to know if there’s something up.” He sighed. “I should have realized it sooner… This kind of thing is genetic. Even if your mom never seemed to get it, she’s always been a bit more of a healthy eater than I am…”

Her dad looked just about sick with worry, so much so that Olivia regretted ever bringing up the topic in the first place. She clutched the edge of the table until her knuckles went white. “Dad. I mean it. I don’t need—no, I don’t want to go to the doctor about this.”

His bushy brows rose in surprise. “You don’t? Why not?”

“Because it’s not a big deal. Really. Like I said, I don’t think I have diabetes. I’m just… being careful, ok?”

In reality, she wanted nothing more than to rush off to the doctor’s right then and get tested. Well, it would have to wait until morning, actually—assuming the test in this day and age was at all like the one she knew. Doing that would give her so many answers about how long this condition had plagued her. But… she couldn’t. This had already gone too far. She couldn’t let it go any further.

Olivia clasped her hands in front of her. “Can we… just keep this between us? Please? I don’t want to make this into a big deal.”

“It is a big deal. This is your health, sweetie.” He insisted with obvious concern.

“Please?”

He stared at her for a long moment. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m not budging on this. We need to know what’s going on. Do you need to be taking medicine for this kind of thing? Insulin? Can we keep it from getting worse? We won’t know unless we go to the doctor.”

Olivia slumped and rubbed her temples. This was not how she’d wanted things to go.

“...Fine.” She eventually gave in. “I understand.”

As much as she was loathe to admit it, she was a bit curious herself. Knowing whether or not her diabetes had been an issue during her youth was a question she’d often wondered about. Now, it seemed that she’d get an answer. Whether she wanted it or not.

“Good.” He straightened, stretching his neck. Olivia abruptly realized that her own neck felt almost painfully tense, far more than it had a few minutes before. “Well… I suppose this means you won’t want to stop by Cream of the Crop after this, doesn’t it?”

Olivia gave an apologetic wince. “We can still go. I just—”

“No, no,” he waved her off. “I’m not gonna drag you halfway across town just to eat ice cream in front of you. What do you think I am, some kind of sadist?”

After that, the conversation shifted to lighter topics until their food arrived. Ruby slid a cheeseburger and fries in front of her dad and the promised steak and eggs in front of Olivia with a wink before bustling off to the other tables. Olivia’s mouth watered at the sight. Finally, something she could gorge on without worrying about how it might affect her later. She polished off the entire plate with a speed and enthusiasm that had her dad gaping.

“Wow. You, uh… You really were hungry.”

She held a hand to her mouth and stifled a small burp. “Maybe a little.”

***

The next day, Olivia felt better than she had since being sent back in time. A newfound spring in her step had her practically dancing around the grocery store as she and her dad went on their usual end-of-week shopping run. Her enthusiasm was only helped by the completely transformed contents of their cart. The pizza, microwave dinners, and cookies that had once cluttered its interior were no more. Now it was all veggies, chicken, beef, and a few scant fruits. And a few staples like oil and spices. The lack of so many basic necessities in their kitchen was honestly appalling, and now she had every excuse to fix it.

True to his word, Olivia’s dad remained completely on board with her attempts to eat better. In fact, he decided to join her in solidarity as well. Her attempts to dissuade him fell on deaf ears.

“What am I gonna do, wolf down a handful of candy as you’re over there eating salad? Do you realize how fat that’s gonna make me feel?” Her dad snorted. “Nope. I’m doing this with you.”

He remained adamant about it, no matter how much Olivia told him that it wasn’t necessary. Even though the problem hadn’t been passed down from his lineage, he took full responsibility for dealing with it. He was so supportive it made her heart ache.

That night, she lay in bed thinking. Once more, she reviewed the events of the past week, comparing them to the “true” trajectory that her life was supposed to take. It had become a sort of nightly ritual, but taking a broader look at things over the whole week helped her to prepare for the next one. It also made her realize once again just how off course she was.

Well, ok. I’m not completely off. The big stuff is still the same, mostly. But the small stuff…

She sighed up at the ceiling. What had she been thinking, letting herself get so off track on Saturday? It wasn’t just that, either. There were plenty of other one-off little interactions that she’d allowed herself to get caught up in throughout the rest of the week. Ones that she really didn’t think her old self would have gotten into, much less handled the same way.

I don’t remember every little detail of my life. Maybe I’m more on track than I thought. And besides, I knew that keeping everything perfectly the same would just drive me insane. So maybe I should just be glad it’s going this well?

Either way, it didn’t really matter. At least the changes she had made were generally positive ones, both for herself and the people around her. At least, they seemed that way. But even they might amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. No, the true test of her resolve was still ahead.

Olivia turned over in bed. Homecoming was still two weeks away. That was two weeks where she could shove those thoughts in a corner and ignore them. And she intended to do just that for as long as she could.

After a bit more restless shifting, Olivia’s eyes drooped closed. Sleep claimed her—a deep and dreamless sleep, mercifully free of nightmares.