Chasing Butterflies Chapter 38: Relationship Issues (Patreon)

Olivia stared at her ex boyfriend. Well, future ex boyfriend, now. She couldn’t help it. His eyes were fixed on her, the deep green irises holding her in place. But rather than the friendliness that everyone else associated with them, Olivia could only see a predatory glint. As though she were a juicy morsel roasting over a fire.

Their relationship had been… ill-advised. Something that, had she had even a shred of his confidence or even a little more self-awareness, Olivia would have never gotten herself into at all. But to someone like her, the prospect of a guy showing interest had been so foreign and exciting that she’d practically leaped at the opportunity. After all, it may be her only chance to try out this dating thing—that’s what her low self-esteem told her.

Given those dubious origins, perhaps it shouldn’t have been surprising how everything turned out. They started off great. Olivia rather enjoyed being around the guy, having someone to spend time and do things with, one who invited her to things more proactively than any friend she’d had before. Even though her dad always seemed to harbor some misgivings, especially at the start, he had no problem with Lance spending plenty of afternoons and dinners at their house.

Well, that was before things started going downhill. She couldn’t exactly remember why. But at some point, she realized they were having disagreements or full-fledged arguments nearly every week about positively banal matters. Not that she ever really “argued” back. She’d never been good at conflict in her youth, so such things tended to be a more one-way affair, with Lance being upset about something and her trying to figure out what she’d done wrong and apologize. Something a bit easier said than done, considering that he wasn’t always so forthcoming with that information.

It wasn’t until years later that she’d come to realize how truly awful the situation had been. How manipulative he’d been. Though she was rather certain he wasn’t the only one at fault.

They’d been together for a little over a year, which was far longer than things should have lasted. She’d broken it off herself, invited him over to talk and explained that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship. He’d accepted it with surprising ease, which had surprised her at first. Until she realized the reason. He’d just believed that she was making an idle threat, the same one he himself had made so many times.

It wasn’t until a few days later that he’d started trying to get her back.

The rest of Lance’s senior year had been… unpleasant, to say the least. At least Olivia had the presence of mind to end things after marching season, when there would have been far more opportunity for negative fallout and brewing drama. But the breakup itself had been a huge moment of character development for her.

That wasn’t to say it was all good—she’d had to unlearn plenty of bad habits when she met Jason—but there was no way to deny that it was one of her most formative high school experiences. Which was exactly why she’d been dreading this day.

“I’m Lance. Tenor sax,” Lance introduced himself unnecessarily. His eyebrows lifted in playful amusement. “We’ve seen each other around practice.”

His knowing look indicated that the wording was completely intentional. He’d obviously noticed at least a few of her sidelong glances and discreet stares. Apparently, she’d been a bit less subtle than she’d hoped.

Olivia wanted to kick herself.

But does it really matter? It got us here, right? Where I’m supposed to be. After all, I wanted things to be the same… right?

Her stomach roiled at the thought.

Perhaps some part of her had hoped to avoid this. That all of her missteps would add up to steer her out of the situation she currently found herself in. That of all the things to go astray, to deviate from her last life, this would be one of them. Maybe that was why she’d been all right with making so many mistakes. Because deep down, she didn’t want to be here. 

But of course, reality wasn’t so kind. She was here, and now she had a decision to make. One that she had really, really been trying not to think about.

Do I date him again?

Olivia cast her thoughts back to that part of her life. In particular, the things they’d done together. Of kissing him, of making out and the like. At the time it had just felt exciting, like pushing her boundaries, but now? The thought of doing those things again with anyone who wasn’t Jason… Even if they hadn’t done anything particularly eyebrow-raising, it still made her sick to her stomach. And that was without even considering that Lance was a minor.

I know that I technically am too. I know that he’s also older than me. That absolutely does not make it any better.

Olivia clenched her fists and thought of her kids. Of George, Cash, and baby Hazel. Of seeing them again.

Was she really willing to do this? She said she’d do anything to see them again. Had she been lying to herself? Or was she really about to put herself through this doomed relationship again, to betray Jason, just for a mere chance to bring them back?

“Hey, don’t look so nervous. I don’t bite. Promise.”

Olivia realized that she still hadn’t responded. Luckily, he’d misinterpreted her reaction as one of shyness. Far better than the inner turmoil that she was still wrestling with.

She forced herself to focus on the present. With an effort, she unclenched her fists and tried to relax. “...Hello.”

“Hello to you too.” Lance grinned. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you. Just wanted to say hi. Never get the chance during practice.”

That was a hundred percent intentional. She had been avoiding him, partially because they hadn’t met until homecoming last time and partially because Olivia really, really didn’t want to talk to him.

“Oh, and…” His eyes flicked to her dress. “You look really good in that.”

The words made her skin crawl. It may well have been an innocuous compliment, but Olivia was absolutely not in the mindset to be so generous. It took everything she had to tamp down the revulsion that bubbled up inside.

“Thanks,” she ground out, hoping that her indignance was interpreted as a shy blush instead.

How in the world did I ever like this guy?

He wasn’t unattractive. She could see how people found Lance cute at a surface level. But his entire demeanor was just so… smarmy. What she remembered as confidence felt a whole lot more like cockiness now, and unearned cockiness at that. He seemed like a total player and an absolute jerk.

The longer they stood there, the more Olivia realized the truth—past her had been an absolutely terrible judge of character. Maybe her dad had been onto something with his instinctual dislike of Lance.

Who am I kidding? I know he was. He only invited him over so much to make sure we were hanging out under his roof and not somewhere unsupervised.

Olivia discreetly checked out her surroundings. A table of sodas blocked her in on one side, while a wall blocked her on the other. She didn’t have to look behind to know there was a fence there. With Lance in front of her, that meant she didn’t have an easy avenue of escape.

She wasn’t exactly cornered. She theoretically had plenty of room to maneuver, though it would take a bit of elbowing through the other kids around her. But it sure felt like she was trapped.

Lance leaned over to the table and grabbed a cup of dark cola. He sipped it, his eyes flicking to it. “Huh. I hoped it would be Cocola, but tastes more like Dr. Piper. The off-brand kind.” He gestured to her cup. “What’s in yours?”

“Not sure. Some other soda.”

“You don’t like it?” Lance shook his head in apparent disappointment. “I don’t blame you. They never get the good stuff. They did my freshman year, but ever since then they’ve always cheaped out.”

Despite his words, Lance downed the rest of his drink. Olivia was perfectly content to remain silent during the process, still not entirely certain of what to do.

“Well. Want to head back inside?” Lance asked, holding out a hand. “You’re hanging with Alyssa’s group, right? I was thinking of heading that way myself.”

Olivia eyed the hand like a coiled snake. She remembered this next part well. They would make their way to the other band kids. But along the way, a slower song would come on. Lance would invite her to dance—not inappropriately, thank goodness, but the very gesture was romantic enough. Past her hadn’t stood a chance.

While they wouldn’t start dating for another few months, it was the first and most important domino along that chain of events. She couldn’t be certain if things would play out in exactly the same way. But considering how things had gone so far, it wasn’t out of the question.

Olivia took a deep breath. This was it. All she had to do was reach out and accept that hand. Then, everything would be on track. Her relationship with Lance would begin to develop, and then…

…I can’t do it.

This was it. This was her breaking point. For all that she’d tried to keep things the same, this was one area where she couldn’t simply go along with her past self’s decisions.

It wasn’t even entirely selfish, either. Sure, she had no desire to relive that failed relationship again. The idea of not only subjecting herself to that, but actively forcing herself to act as weak-willed as she had been was almost unthinkable. But it was more than that. So much more.

I can’t betray Jason like that.

It was one thing to date a few times before finding a husband. It was an entirely different matter to date when she knew that she’d meet her future husband in four years. Even if things did go off the rails, even if everything from here on changed, finding Jason again was the one thing she absolutely would never give up on. And knowing that, knowing that he was out there somewhere, meant that she couldn’t simply choose to be with another guy before him.

She wouldn’t be able to face him. Not knowing what she knew now. Even if he didn't remember her, remember any part of their life together… she would know. And it would absolutely destroy her.

The realization hit her with a grim finality. She felt the mental images of her children grow just a little more distant, a bit more indistinct. It hurt. Hurt in a way she hadn’t fully been prepared for.

Yet even with that, she realized that it was the truth. This was her decision. She was not going to date Lance.

But coming to that decision still left her with a more immediate issue. How was she going to get out of here? Flat-out rejecting the guy was an option, but he hadn’t made a direct pass yet. Everything was implied, with a level of plausible deniability that reeked of cowardice.

Perhaps there was a less disruptive way to turn him down? After all, just because she wasn’t going along with this part of the plan didn’t mean she had to completely set all of her efforts aflame.

“I think I’ll wait a bit.” She said, gesturing to her cup. “I still have a bit more to drink.”

Lance raised an eyebrow. “Huh. I didn’t think you were going to finish that. But no worries. I’ll wait with you.

“That’s ok. I—”

Lance waved her words off before she could continue. “I’m in no rush. Besides, I like talking to you.”

That had to be a lie. Olivia had been possibly the worst conversation partner in existence thus far. Then again, social ineptitude had seemed to work for the guy last time, too. And that posed a real problem.

Olivia took the tiniest sip from her cup, scanning her surroundings once again. Her mind raced as she tried to think up a different angle. Maybe if she just waited long enough, then he’d go away? What other alternatives did she have? There were only so many places to go in the dance. Even leaving would probably prompt him to wait with her, given that it would take a while for her dad to get here—or worse, offer her a ride.

"Oh, hey! Livi! There you are!"

Before she could come up with a backup plan, a familiar voice cut through the chatter. The crowd parted as a tall figure strode confidently toward her, blonde hair bound up in an elaborate bun atop her head.

“Trisha?”

The girl beamed, appearing beside her in a few quick steps. She didn’t even look at Lance as she laid hold of Olivia’s elbow. “I’ve been looking all over for you! C’mon!”

Before either of them had time to react, the girl physically pulled her out of the situation. Olivia was too surprised to even resist. A quick glance back showed a similar look of shock written across Lance’s face. The guy recovered soon after, stepping forward as though to follow. But Trisha was already pulling them into the girls’ restroom.

The door swung shut behind them with a solid crash. The dull buzz of music and conversation disappeared, leaving the pair in complete silence.

Trisha whirled, her smile gone in an instant. It was replaced instead with a look of utmost seriousness—and concern.

“Are you ok?”