Episode 84: A CLASH OF KINGS, THEON I: "You Can't Go Home Again" SHOW NOTES! (Patreon)

Hello and welcome to the Not A Cast … podcast: the one true chapter-by-chapter podcast going through A Song of Ice and Fire one chapter a week. I’m one of your hosts Jeff better known as BryndenBFish. 

And I’m your other host Emmett, better known as PoorQuentyn.          

Welcome to the eighty-fourth episode of the Not A Cast, titled: “You Can’t Go Home Again: An Analysis of ACOK, Theon I,” in which everything goes exactly according to plan for our new protagonist, Theon “The Ladies Love Me” Greyjoy. 

This episode is brought to you by our Small Council: 

• Hand of the King WolfmanZack 
• Grand Maester Timbob
• Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Mark N. 
• Lord Travis, Master of Ships and Warden of the Waves
• Ser Keith J, Master of Whisperers
• Lord Philip the Merciful, Master of Laws
• Jancy O, Lady Commander of the Night’s Watch
• Lord Gene, Master of Coin
• Archmaester June, Healer of the Lesser Poxes
• Ragged Michael, Warden of the North
• Nelson the Hammer, Prince of Dragonstone
• Scarlett the Other Red Woman and Mistress of Whisperers
• Lord Baby the Onion Baby
• Lord Blackheart the Defiant, Master of Zorse 
• Lord Micah: Warden of the West and the Kraken’s Bane
• Lord James: the Jim that was Promised
• The High Bearded Priest
• The Blue-Ringed Octoling
• Lord Jake, Assistant (to the) Hand of the King
• Lady Xena Valyrian
• Hedrigal, Captain of the Air Ship Arrogance
• His Grace’s High Inquisitor Frank
• Lord James Stormborn, Warden of the World Wide Weirwood
• Ser Jasper the Cruel, the King’s Justice
• Laurence, Prince of Dorne
• Richard, Sealord of Braavos
• Kelly, Warden of the East and Mistress of (Old) Bay of Crabs
• Steven the Steadfast, Master of Hounds
• The Blue Winter Rose Knight of Highgarden
• Lady Stephanie
• Lord Wryinn
• And returning small council member Lord Anonymous

Spoiler warning: All published books - 5 novels, 3 Dunk and Egg novellas, histories, interviews, TWOW sample chapters, as well as Game of Thrones the TV show. Anything and everything!

Question

Lord Micah, Warden of the West and the Kraken’s Bane, one of our Small Council patrons asks:

Hey guys thanks for the podcasts. So excited for Clash I reread it recently and damn...it’s so good. My question could be for a Theon chapter, is it is if you could rank from top to bottom, who are you favorite and least favorite Greyjoys? They can be favorite in likeability or in their character work. You decide!

So, thank you to Lord Micah for the question. If you’d like to ask us questions, you are welcome to subscribe as a $10/above Sworn Sword or higher on patreon to ask us questions that we’ll answer every week on the NotACast pod-cast.

And for all $5/above patrons, our full analysis of  Zack Snyder’s 2009 film Watchmen is coming your way next week. And yes, for those asking, we will have some initial thoughts on the first episode of the Watchmen show airing on HBO. But our focus will be either to praise or bury Zack Snyder, I mean, his movie and talk about the original graphic novel which inspired the movie.

I am very excited now having re-watched the Director’s Cut of Watchmen and working my way through the dark pathways that are Alan Moore’s writing and Dave Gibbons’ artwork for the graphic novel. Re-reading the novel for the first time in about 10 years, man, I am very excited to do this episode with you, ser!

But enough about patreon and Watchmen. Last time we checked in Theon Greyjoy, he was being dispatched by Robb Stark to seek an alliance with his lord father Balon Greyjoy, Lord Reaper of Pyke. Let’s check in with Theon now in this synopsis and pump our fists at how awesome Theon Greyjoy is and how successful his mission to Balon will be … Uh oh.

Synopsis

There was no safe anchorage at Pyke, but Theon Greyjoy wished to look on his father’s castle from the sea, to see it as he had seen it last, ten years before, when Robert Baratheon’s war galley had borne him away to be a ward of Eddards Stark.

Thus opens our first chapter from Theon Greyjoy’s POV -- which absolutely foreshadows what’s in store for Theon in these damp, dreary islands ruled by idiot pirate and once and future idiot pirate king Balon Greyjoy. 

Theon thinks about how he watched Pyke fade behind him when he was taken from here as a boy, and now he wants to see the castle again. So, he orders the Myraham to make its way past the island so he can see it -- all this despite the difficulties of sailing in these waters and dangers lurking in the winds and rocks. But what does that matter to Theon? This is his home, and by the Drowned God, his noble ass will go sightseeing, damn the dangers to the ship.

And home? Well, it’s a lovely little spot, beautiful and green. Oh wait, that’s not right.

The shore all sharp rocks and glowering cliffs, and the castle seemed one with the rest, its towers and walls and bridges quarried from the same grey-black stone, wet by the same salt waves, festooned with the same spreading patches of dark green lichen, speckled by the droppings of the same seabirds.

Ah, Pyke, covered in bird-shit. Such splendor.

Theon describes the castle as looking like a sword stabbing into the ocean -- the same ocean that shattered the former large island of Pyke into three smaller islands that waves foam and crash against.

Drear, dark, forbidding, Pyke stood atop those islands and pillars, almost a part of them, its curtain wall closing off the headland around the foot of the great stone bridge that leapt from the clifftop to the largest islet, dominated by the massive bulk of the Great Keep.

Gee, I’d sure have so much pride in a place that looks as beautiful as an unfinished basement.

We get more lovely descriptions of Pyke and green lichen crawling up the walls, but hey at least the Greyjoy banner is flying high atop Pyke -- even though Theon can’t see the banner to be sure. But Theon sure is proud that the kraken banner is flying high here without any Stark sigil flying over it. Behind the castle is, of course, of fucking course, that goddamn red comet which Theon hilariously interprets to be “his” comet. 

Theon touches the letter inside his jacket that he had from Robb Stark, thinking the paper is “good as a crown”, and then the captain’s daughter presses herself on Theon’s arm, asking if the castle looks the same as when he last left it. Theon, doing his best Victarion impression, says it looks smaller, because it is far away. Theon then goes to describe the ship that he’s on: it’s the Myraham, a “fat-bellied southron merchanter up from Oldtown.” It carries cargo, and its captain was a “fat-bellied southron merchanter” as well. The captain had kept his ship farther out to sea than Theon would have liked. If he was some awesome fuckin’ ironborn captain, he would have gone right up under the cliffs  and under the bridge between two of the islands. Yeah. Sure, kid.

The captain’s daughter says it’s windy, and Theon, oh Theon, he decides to say:

“Windy and cold and damp. A miserable hard place, in truth … but my lord father once told me that hard places breed hard men, and hard men rule the world.”

Just then the captain comes up to the deck and asks if they can head to port, and Theon’s all like sure, thinking about what a fucking peasant this captain is and how he’d been able to lure this dumbshit in with gold. Then Theon starts thinking about how awesome the Ironborn are again -- how Ironborn aren’t dazzled by noble blood, because every captain is a king aboard his own ship. 

And when you have seen your kings shit over the rail and turn green in a storm, it was hard to bend the knee and pretend they were gods.

Then he thinks that a real-ass longship would make the journey in half the time that the Myraham made. But he’s here, and he’s not unhappy with the Myraham altogether. It got him here, and he got to have a whole lot of sex the captain’s daughter if you know what I mean. Theon puts his arm around the captain’s daughter, in the presence of her father of course, and tells the captain that they’re going below deck to have more sex and let him know when they reach Lordsport, cool? No, not cool, Theon. 

The cabin they’re in is the captain’s cabin, because the running theme of the first third of this chapter is how much of a fucking dick Theon is. And Theon, still being a dick, gets off extra hard on the captain’s daughter because of her father’s disapproval. He also likes that this girl was a virgin when he first had her. But she’s a little heavy for his taste with splotchy, oatmeal-colored skin. But he likes that her boobs are big. Man, I just love Theon. Such a bro.

Theon gets out of his wet clothes, and the girl asks if he’s happy to be back, asking how long he’s been away. Yeah he’s happy, and It was ten years ago that he was taken to Winterfell as a ward/hostage of Eddard Stark. But he wasn’t a ward or hostage anymore. Oh, and please get naked, captain’s daughter who, uh,  do you even have a name? *Flips pages ahead*. No, apparently, you are nameless to Theon. Awesome.

The girl gets shy, but takes her clothes off, smiles which leads to all-timer by Theon:

She looked rather stupid when she smiled, but he had never required a woman to be clever.

Theon, this is a slightly problematic thought, and you should work on your ass before someone like Ramsay does.

Ahem.

The girl says that she’s never seen the Iron Islands, and Theon’s all like, yeah, because they suck which makes them AWESOME. And everyone is either a fisherman or a miner, and they all argue about which life sucks more which makes this AWESOME. And then the old ironmen used to raid and carry off slaves to do all the shit work on the Iron islands. So awesome.

The girl starts asking if she can come ashore with Theon, but Theon’s all like, “Dude, you’re just my side-piece for the journey.” Yeah, she can come ashore, but not with him. And no, you can’t come and work in the castle or do cooking or some shit. Maybe if it was back in the day, Theon could make her his salt wife, but them’s the days, and them days are long gone. He says all this while getting handsy with the girl’s nipples before biting one of them. 

The girl says that Theon can … you know … what a mommy and a daddy who love each other very much do, but Theon wants to teach her something new. He wants a blowie. And he finds that she gives one well enough for a first-timer. Theon thinks he might have kept this girl for a salt wife when the Old Way was around. But no more. Very sad, but the Ironborn can no longer put their thralls/slaves to work in the mines or out on the boats. The Ironborn themselves have to do such work. The outrage! Especially when you consider what the ironborn were born to do:

War was an ironman’s proper trade. The Drowned God had made them to reave and rape, to carve out kingdoms and write their names in fire and blood and song.

Aegon the Conqueror had put an end to the Old Way when he dispatched with Black Harren and Harrenhal, but according to Theon, expert ironman, everyone still talks about the Old Way. Hell, even one of Balon’s titles was “Lord Reaper” while the Greyjoy words were “We do not sow.” Balon rose in rebellion to bring back the Old Way, but Robert Baratheon, in perhaps his only fine moment during his reign, had crushed Balon and his hope of returning the Ironborn to the Old Way.

But now? Now the time was ripe to bring back the Old Way. The kingdom was torn apart, and Theon, the man, would succeed where his father failed. He cums right then and there, forcibly holding the girl’s mouth in place, because he sucks. Theon just sucks, man.

The girl asks if she pleased Theon, and he’s all like, “yeah, that’s fine. Now go make me a sammich in the kitch lol.” Okay, fine. He doesn’t say that. He might as well have said it. The girl says that Theon, um, tastes salty, and that she likes the sea. And Theon likes the sea too. He had forgotten until he was aboard the Myraham. 

I must remember this, Theon vowed to himself. I must never go far from the sea, he thinks very ironically considering the endpoint of his Clash arc.

The captain’s daughter begs to go with Theon again, but Theon’s all like, no. You stay here. But she can’t. Her father will punish her. Don’t you see? Yeah, father’s are rough, Theon says. But the girl’s father should be happy. Ready for another Theon all-timer? Here goes:

“As many times as I’ve fucked you, you’re likely with child. It’s not every man who has the honor or raising a king’s bastard.”

Such an honor. He leaves her there looking at him “stupidly.” 

Theon heads on top of the deck and sees the Botley castle which was now rebuilt with stone after Robert Baratheon burned the wood of the former castle to the ground. And below that castle was Lordsport which Theon remembered last seeing as a war ruin. But now it was mostly rebuilt -- save for the sept which was still a ruin. Theon judges that the Ironborn hadn’t much taken up with the new gods after Robert went apeshit on them. But really, Theon doesn’t give a hoot about the gods. He cares about ships, and he sees a lot of them. Some merchant ships, yes. But longships are several dozen strong running along the beach to the northern shore. He sees a Harlaw ship, searches for some rando pirate named You-Ron. Is that how you pronounce the name, Emmett? And his ship Silence. He doesn’t see them, but Balon’s Great Kraken was present. 

Had Lord Balon anticipated him and called the Greyjoy banners?

Um, well, I guess we’ll find out, Mr. Theon.

He touches Robb’s letter, thinking that Balon might have guessed why he was here and gotten up to speed ahead of time, but that doesn’t make him happy. This was supposed to be his glory and his plan. And no one could plan better than Very Smart Theon. Or maybe this was all a defensive measure given Balon and Victarion’s old-man caution.

His uncle Euron was a different song, to be sure, but the Silence did not seem to be in port.

Thank R’hllor for that one Theon. Man, what Euron would do with you ... Boy, I tell you.

Theon paces the deck of the Myraham as the ship makes its way to shore. He looks for a welcome party, hoping to maybe see Sylas Sourmouth, Lord Botley or Dagmer Cleftjaw. But he sees nothing, no one. Just smallfolk. Oh, and a drowned priest leading two horses down the road. 

Some of the smallfolk start shouting up at the Myraham asking what’s what, and the captain replies with what he’s got for cargo on board, finishing up with “And I’ve brought your heir back to you.” Everyone stares at Theon, and he realizes they don’t recognize him. He gets angry before giving the captain a gold piece and telling the help to bring his things. 

Theon asks for a horse, and some inkeeper says sure. You can have a horse. Where you off to? Pyke, you idiot. Oh. Well. In that case, you should get going to reach the castle by dark. Here, the innkeeper will send his son to help.

“Your boy will not be needed,” a deep voice called, “nor your horse. I shall see my nephew back to his father’s house.”

Theon sees all the smallfolk bending the knee to a drowned priest and calling him Damphair who’s described as “garbed in mottled robes of green and grey and blue, the swirling colors of the Drowned God. A waterskin hung hunder his arm in a leather strap, and ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.” Theon has a memory from a letter that his father sent him - one of the few times Balon ever wrote him - about how Balon’s youngest brother named Aeron had turned holy and become a priest.

“Uncle Aeron?” he said doubtfully.

“Nephew Theon,” the priest replied. “Your lord father bid me fetch you. Come.”

Love these beautiful Greyjoy reunions. Warms the fucking heart.

But Theon has things to do first. He needs his shit. The captain’s daughter turns up with his package of good clothing, and she tries to hug him, but physical affection and touch is for pussies. He turns aside from her as she tells him that she loves him.

“I must go,” Commander Shepherd, er Theon Greyjoy says.

Catching up with Aeron, he asks why Balon or his mom or some of the Greyjoy bannermen didn’t come himself, but Aeron chillily tells him that it isn’t Theon’s place to question the Lord Reaper of Pyke. Theon thinks that Aeron used to be a chill dude, but now he’s very dissimilar to the Aeron he once knew. Aeron continues on to tell Theon that everyone else is away getting the Ironborn houses roused. Roused? Why? 

“Why have longships ever hosted?”

And then Damphair asks if Theon is into the wolf gods, and Theon’s like, nah man. He doesn’t care about the Old Gods. So, Aeron tells him to kneel and bow his head which Theon reluctantly does. Aeron then proceeds to baptize Theon in salt water.

“Let Theon your servant be born again from the sea, as you were,” Aeron Greyjoy intoned. “Bless him with salt, bless him with stone, bless him with steel. Nephew, do you still know the words?”

“What is dead may never die,” Theon said, remembering.

“What is dead may never die,” his uncle echoed, “but rises again, harder and stronger. Stand.”

Back on his feet, they mount horses wordless and ride away.

And that could have been the end of ACOK, Theon I, but NO. We ride on harder and stronger!

Theon asks if things have changed much on the Iron Islands in the years since he’s been away, and Damphair’s all like shit’s pretty much the same. Theon asks after Asha and his lady mother and whether they’re at Pyke. But they’re not. Your mom’s at Harlaw, and your sister is on Great Wyk with her ship Black Wind bearing messages from Balon. But Asha will be back soon.

Theon knew about Asha and her longship. But he finds the name of her ship strange given his knowledge of Robb’s direwolf Grey Wind. So, he remarks on it to Damphair’s silence. So, Theon tries another way to get a conversation going with Nuncle Aeron. 

“You were no priest when I was taken from Pyke. I remember how you would sing the old reaving songs standing on the table with a horn of ale in hand.”

“Young I was, and vain,” Aeron Greyjoy said, “but the sea washed by follies and my vanites away. That man drowned, nephew. His lungs filled with seawater, and the fish at the scales off his eyes. When I rose again, I saw clearly.”

He is mad as he is sour.

Theon thought Aeron was the shit back in the day, but man, now this guy is just shit. 

He asks why the swords and sails have been called, and Aeron’s like, “your dad will tell you.” No, Theon wants to know from Damphair. Well, Damphair ain’t saying shit. Everyone has been sworn to secrecy. Theon is annoyed at this. He is a very strong warrior, you see. And if Balon plans to go to war, he better let his heir know.

Oh, Theon thinks he’s heir? 

“As to that,” his uncle said, “we shall see.” 

Theon realizes he’s getting insulted, and he gets angry, telling Aeron that his brothers are dead. And he’s the last living son. Damphair spits back that Asha is alive. Theon is aghast.

“A woman may inherit only if there is no male heir in the direct line,” he insisted loudly. “I will not be cheated of my rights, I warn you.”

His uncle grunted. “You warn a servant of the Drowned God, boy? You have forgotten more than you know. And you are a great fool if you believe your lord father will ever hand these holy islands over to a Stark. Now be silent. The ride is long enough without your magpie chatterings.”

Lol, Damphair. Nice one!

Theon stays good and shutted the fuck up, realizing that everyone considers him a Stark as he’s been gone for ten years. But Theon’s no Stark. He was a hostage, treated worse than even the bastard Jon Snow. And sure, Big Daddy Stark would try to be fatherly with him, but to Theon, Ned would always been the dude who destroyed Pyke and brought war to his home. And Catelyn was even more distant and cold to him. And the Stark wolflings hardly knew him. The two older boys were more his age, but Jon was so super jealous of Theon. Robb, though, he was like a younger brother to Theon. Prince Theon recognizes that maybe he shouldn’t mention that thought around his dad or uncle. 

In Pyke, it would seem, the old wars were still being fought. That ought not surprise him. The Iron Islands lived in the past; the present was too hard and bitter to be borne.

Man, what’s up with this Confederacy vibe I’m getting from this chapter, huh?

Before he left the green lands, the Mallisters had reminded Theon that nothing was ever forgotten. He enjoyed hanging out with Patrek Mallister, but his dad Lord Jason Mallister had taken Patrek aside and reminded his son of what the Greyjoys were and how Seagard was a defense against their aggression. Hell, it wasn’t that long ago that Jason Mallister had repulsed an Ironborn attack on Seagard and killed Theon’s brother Rodrik during the battle. Patrek had told him the story over wine with Theon, and then they went wenching after a miller’s wife.

Back on the Iron Islands, Theon and Damphair climb a long path up bare and stony hills until they’re out of eyeshot from the sea. They pass an abandoned mine, riding on in gloomy silence until chatterbox Theon can’t take the silence anymore. He states that Robb is Lord of Winterfell. Aeron’s all like, Starks are the same. All of them. But Theon says that Robb broke fealty with the Iron Throne and has become King in the North. Damphair says that ravens have already brought this news. 

“It means a new day, Uncle.”

“Every morning brings a new day, much like the old.”

Yeah, but the red comet, nuncle. It’s a new age (of wonders and terrors). It’s a messenger from the gods. Oh god. An opening for more red comet stuff.

“A sign it is,” the priest agreed, “but from our god, not theirs. A burning brand it is, such as our people carried of old. It is the flame the Drowned God brought from the sea, and it proclaims a rising tide. It is time to hoist our sails and go forth into the world with fire and sword, as he did.”

Theon smiled. “I could not agree more.”

“A man agrees with god as a raindrop with the storm.”

I forgot how unintentionally funny all of Damphair’s clapbacks are here. This is a hoot!

Theon thinks he’s a raindrop and that this raindrop will be king which lol. Okay, Theon. You wanna go with that? Sure. Theon “Raindrop” Greyjoy spurs his horse forward and they arrive at Pyke at nightfall. The castle itself still has some of the marks of Robert Baratheon’s siege. Theon mentally points out the spots where Robert made his breach and come into the castle with warhammer in hand and Ned Stark next to him. Theon, himself, had been up on the Sea Tower watching the breach. But sometimes he has nightmares of the torches coming into the castle. 

The gate swings open, and Theon returns “home” at last. Theon crosses the “half a hundred acres of headland” passing stables, kennels and outbuildings. Theon knows the cliffs are to the south, and he hears the waves crashing as he dismounts his horse. People stare at him with dull eyes, but Balon? He wasn’t here. And no one else Theon knew was here either to greet him.

A bleak and bitter homecoming, he thought.

Aeron, though, stays mounted, telling Theon that he was only commanded to bring Theon to the castle. No more. He’s off to do the Drowned God’s bidding. And then he’s off. 

An old serving woman comes up to Theon and tells him that he’ll show him to his chambers at the command of Balon, and Theon is relieved that someone knows who he is. But seriously? Where the fuck is Theon’s dad? He’s up in the Sea Tower, waiting for Theon after he’s rested. He asks who the old woman is, and she says her name is Helya. She keeps the castle for Balon. And all the other people Theon knew back in the day are dead. Sorry about that.

It is as if I were a stranger here, Theon thought. Nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed.

He tells Heyla to show him to his chambers, and she leads him to the bridge to the Bloody Keep -- which is not what Theon expected. He thought he’d be going to the Sea Tower where his room with his Dalton Greyjoy pajamas was. But now he’s going to the Bloody Keep which was kinda fuckin’ ominous given that the room got its name from when the sons of River Kings had all been slaughtered in their beds with their dismembered bodies then sent back to their dad a thousand years back. Yikes.

But Greyjoys were not murdered in Pyke except once in a great while by their brothers, and his brothers were both dead.

Nobody tell Balon that, alright? It’ll be a funny practical joke for when Euron returns to Pyke.

A musty smell hangs in the Bloody Keep, and Theon realizes that it’s been years since anyone has been in this room. He orders hot water, that the braziers be lit and that the rushes get changed. They bring him water after a while, but it’s only tepid. He washes all the dust from himself with it anyways. Theon gets into some kickass clothes: soft lambswool breeches of silvery-grey, a black velvet doublet with the golden kraken of the Greyjoys embroidered on the breast, a gold chain around his neck and a belt of bleached white leather around his waist.

Feeling fly, he decides to go find his father. He moves through the Great Keep towards the Sea Tower, crosses three bridges with the last one made of rope and wood that sways underneath him which scares Theon shitless. But he makes it through and gets to the tower, pushing a guardsman aside on his way in and climbs up to the solar.

He found his father seated beside a brazier, beneath a robe of musty sealskins that covered him foot to chin. At the sound of boots on stone, the Lord of the Iron Islands lifted his eyes to behold his last living son. He was smaller than Theon remembered him. And so gaunt. Balon Greyjoy had always been thin, but now he looked as though the gods had put him in a cauldron and boiled ever spare ounce of flesh from his bones, until nothing remained but hair and skin. Bone thin and bone hard he was, with a face that might have been chipped from flint. His eyes were flinty too, black and sharp, but the years and the salt winds had turned his hair the grey of winter sea, flecked with white-caps. Unbound, it hung past the small of the back.

Man, George really goes all in with his description of Balon Greyjoy. Interesting.

Balon asks if it’s been nine years since Theon was here, and Theon’s all like, “Nah, dude. Ten years.” Balon asks if Theon is a man, and Theon’s all like, “A big strong man, dad. Oh, and your heir.” 

Lord Balon grunted. “We shall see.”

Balon comments that Theon has been Lord Stark’s as long as he’d been Balon’s. But Theon’s all like, “Dad, Ned’s dead.” Balon agrees and puts in that Robert is dead too. The guys who defeated us are dead. But Balon is alive. But Balon is feeling crotchety. So, who gives a shit?

Theon steps up with his letter, ready to do GOOD, but then Balon stops him cold.

“Did Ned Stark dress you like that?” his father interrupted, squinted up from beneath his robe. “Was it his pleasure to garb you in velvets and silks and make you his own sweet daughter.”

Theon gets all embarrassed and says that he ain’t a girl. And if you’re upset at my dress, dad, I’ll change. 

“That bauble around your neck -- was it bought with gold or iron?”

Uh-oh. Theon realizes his mistake. He had been away for too long. He admits that it was gold. So, Balon rips it off his neck, because he’s a really good father, guys. So good.

Then Balon starts bragging about Asha and how her axe is her lover, but Theon isn’t going to go around bedecked like “some whore.” So nice. 

“It is as I feared. The green lands have made you soft, and the Starks have made you theirs.”

Theon says nu-uh. I’m a real Greyjoy, but Balon’s like, who sent you but the Starks with their little letter? Theon says IT’S NOT LITTLE very loudly. And the offer in the letter was something that Theon, himself, proposed. Balon is amused that Robb Stark listens to Theon.

“He heeds me, yes. I’ve hunted with him, trained with him, shared meat and mead with him, warred at his side. I have earned his trust. He looks on me as an older brother, he-”

Man, Theon, you are so fuckin’ bad at this.

“No.” his father jabbed a finger at his face. “Not here, not in Pyke, not in my hearing, you will not name him brother, this son of the man who put your true brothers to the sword. Or have you forgotten Rodrik and Maron, who were you own blood?”

Theon says he forgets nothing, noting (in his head, of course) that Ned Stark hadn’t actually killed either of his brothers but would’ve if he had the opportunity. He also remembers that his brothers were idiot pirates who sucked. But he also remembers when Balon was king. He tosses the letter to Balon and asks him to read it, ur grace.

Balon reads the letter, and then starts being super awesome to Theon. Good job, Theon. You are my son, and I’m super proud of you, he says. No. No. He doesn’t say that. Instead, he insults Theon again, saying that Robb’s offer is shitty. Theon counters that Robb is moving against the Lannisters in the west and will destroy the Lannister army in the field. If they join together, they can crush the Lannisters and take Casterly Rock. But Balon knows that Casterly Rock has never fallen. Until now, Theon smiles.

His father did not return the smile. “So this is why Robb Stark sends you back to me, after so long? So you might win my consent to this plan of his?”

It isn’t Robb’s plan. It’s Theon’s. Haven’t you been listening, dad? Theon will lead the attack. And as a reward, he wants Casterly Rock. “You reward yourself handsomely for a notion and a few lines of scribbling.” Besides, the letter says nothing about Theon’s reward. Balon is just supposed to listen, and that Theon speaks for Robb. All Balon has to do is give Robb his swords and sails, and Robb will give him a crown. Give him a crown!? 

“A poor choice of words, what is meant is-”

“What is meant is what is said. The boy will give me a crown. And what is given can be taken away.”

Balon tosses the letter into the fire to Theon’s horror. He demands to know if Balon has gone mad, and Balon, good father, backhands Theon. He’s not going to be given a crown. He’s going to take one, Old Way style. Theon backs away from Balon but then finds his courage, telling him that he’s a fucking moron, and that they’ll come hunting for him after the war is done. 

Lord Balon laughs at him, and says that he’s not a fool (Factcheck: false). He’s gotten all his swords and sails right here, right now. He’s going to get a kingdom for himself with fire and sword, but he’s not going to carve it out of the cunning Tywin Lannister’s lands. Oh no. He wants a “different plum”, one that’s not so sweet but is utterly undefended.

Where? Theon might have asked, but by then he knew.

And that is ACOK, Theon I!

Am I wrong in thinking that this chapter is microcosm for Theon’s entire story in ASOIAF? The first half of the chapter, Theon is just a loathsome turd, but by the end of the chapter, I’m feeling pity for him.

Depth

It’s wild to think that this is the best it’s gonna get for Theon Greyjoy, at least within the space of the published novels. He may be humiliated and frustrated in his goals by the end of this chapter, but at least he has yet to murder children, or be taken captive by a merciless sadist who castrates him and forces him into a disassociative crisis. This chapter is a lark compared to his later ones in ACOK, and those are sunshiney unicorn daydreams compared to his chapters in ADWD, in which George goes full horror in an unforgettable fashion.

Yet: it’s all great, some of my favorite material in the series, and it all fits together. That which Theon is aspiring for so obnoxiously and presumptuously in this chapter is that which will be taken away from him (and with which he will be beaten) over the course of his story. The Theon swaggering into POV status at the start of this chapter is the same man who will call himself Reek. That’s what enables the creation of Reek in the first place, but it’s also what allows Reek to struggle his way back towards Theon. We’re only seeing the seeds of Theon’s fall and rise being sown here, but the execution of it going forward is so strong that it reverberates backward to make this chapter even better than it is on its own merits (which is already very good). I started off our analysis of ACOK by calling Stannis the best written character in the series, and I’m going to follow that up by saying Theon has the best written POV character arc in the series.

Bold statement! But I agree insofar that we’re a book shy of Jaime’s ASOS chapters. But Emmett, you know that when you say that Theon is the best POV, you’re basically saying that you would have really wanted a Viserys POV, right? 

I kid! But seriously. In re-reading this chapter, it came to mind that the seed for a Theon POV may have been how he characterized Viserys in AGOT. We’ve got both young men dreaming of home with fantasies of how great it will be when he gets there. Theon and Viserys have both been far from home for a long time (10 years for Theon at the start of ACOK and 15 years when Viserys receives his crown in AGOT). The two young men both have a severe case of entitlement on what they deserve. Then we’ve got two guys with shitty views on sexuality -- with Theon taking advantage of the Captain’s Daughter and Viserys trying out Doreah the night before Dany’s wedding night. Then, there’s the whole sexual dynamic between the young men and their sisters -- Viserys twisting Dany’s nipple violently and wanting to take Dany’s virginity per Illyrio in ADWD vs Asha tricking Theon into fingering her. And hell, we even have the same father figure: the mad king. Aerys is known far and wide as the mad king, and Theon is going to call his father mad at the end of this chapter. Finally, we have the endpoint of their stories: readers pity both of these guys who seem so dominant and strong at the start of their stories. And yet, Viserys is humbled throughout AGOT and dies piteously in Dany’s 5th chapter while Theon gets his ass humbled by Aeron, then Balon and ends up a figure of immense pity, even sympathy as Reek in ADWD. 

Still, I probably wouldn’t have wanted a Viserys POV in the same way I would never want a Joffrey, Ramsay or Gregor Clegane POV. But, god, Theon is a super POV character. Theon’s POV, his observations and his memories serve as the entrypoint to the Iron Islands, and George will revisit this place in greater and more glorious depth in AFFC. But for now, the worldbuilding serves as excellent-albeit-dreary window-dressing for the plot points of this chapter and for Theon’s overall arc.

• Opening thoughts on Theon’s story in ACOK
  • Both of our new POVs in this book, Davos and Theon, got their wings as solutions to narrative problems created by the story growing in the telling
  • Davos, as we covered with Frank, existed as a camera on Stannis before evolving over ASOS and ADWD into a more distinct character in his own right
  • Theon gets his own story because Tyrion, instead of burning Winterfell as in the pitch letter, is now gonna be stationed at King’s Landing for the next two books
  • Yet Theon and Davos’ chapters in ACOK have inverted strengths and flaws
  • The highlight of Davos’ chapters are the events themselves, with his own presence, thoughts and feelings, etc. playing a secondary role
  • In Theon’s chapters, the plot mechanics are much more dubious, probably because this is a Lannister storyline retrofitted for the Ironborn 
  • Big Daddy Balon does nothing after his initial invasion, Theon’s preposterous plan to take Winterfell goes off without a hitch, no one seems to get word about Ramsay’s attack on Rodrik’s army until ADWD, despite there being survivors...
  • But I think that’s more than made up for by the razor-sharp character work. Theon Greyjoy as a distinct person to be put through a distinct wringer clearly exists whole in George’s mind, a book prior to Davos ascending similarly
  • This is one of those occasions like Quentyn’s “Adventure stank” or Cersei’s dream of sitting naked on the Iron Throne where George lets you know what’s up with a POV from the very first words of their very first chapter:
    • There was no safe anchorage at Pyke, but Theon Greyjoy wished to look on his father's castle from the sea, to see it as he had seen it last, ten years before, when Robert Baratheon's war galley had borne him away to be a ward of Eddard Stark. On that day he had stood beside the rail, listening to the stroke of the oars and the pounding of the master's drum while he watched Pyke dwindle in the distance. Now he wanted to see it grow larger, to rise from the sea before him.
      
      Obedient to his wishes, the Myraham beat her way past the point with her sails snapping and her captain cursing the wind and his crew and the follies of highborn lordlings. Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.
  • Theon’s cardinal sin is pride, manifesting in this chapter as vanity and snobbishness before taking more lethal form later on in the North. He had to have heads, or they’d all have laughed at him, and then he would truly be nothing
  • “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” is more or less Theon’s arc in ACOK; as we’ve said before and will discuss at length next week with Dany I, George is (gradually) incorporating more religious themes and imagery into ASOIAF as the story focuses more time on prophecy and magic
  • We see that in this chapter with Damphair interpreting the red comet as the Drowned God holding aloft a burning brand as he leads the Ironborn to conquest
  • Theon here is a prodigal son, Ramsay is a devil figure tempting him and then showing up in his OTT satanic armor to whisk him away to hell...it’s all there! 
  • What gives it psychological depth is that this prodigal son is rejected by his father and unwelcome in the cradle of his birth. “There was no safe anchorage at Pyke.”
  • In a book about a civil war, the shadows on the wall demanding you clap if you believe, Theon has no home, no clear loyalty, and hence no true identity
  • He must create one, and all his efforts in ACOK backfire on himself and others
  • Both his obnoxious attitude in this chapter and the hideous violence he commits later in the book are attempts to forge that identity using other people’s pain as raw material, marking Theon out as George’s first villain protagonist in ASOIAF
  • But George also wants to emphasize that Theon has no good options, that he’s more a panicked rat in a cage than a predator in the wild like Ramsay (or Euron)
  • And he has no good options because that’s not really his home he’s staring at. Pyke stopped being home the day it dwindled in the distance, and he knows it.
  • That’s why he wants to inflate it before him, to make it big again, as if he’s reversing the film of his own life and erasing everything that makes this painful
  • Yet his first line of dialogue as a POV is to confess it isn’t working; it looks smaller
  • That’s the core of Theon’s frustrated ambitions in ACOK: he thinks he can bluff his way through everything, but he can’t erase the past nor transform the present
  • It’s the downfall of someone who’s trying to be the hero of their own story realizing they’re a secondary character at best. See also Viserys, Stannis, Quentyn…what will the younger brothers do when their pride shatters? Burn.
    • The last thing Theon Greyjoy saw was Smiler, kicking free of the burning stables with his mane ablaze, screaming, rearing...
  • Theon will do anything to get home, but “it is not enough. It has never been enough.” In the process, he burns down whatever chance he had to find one.
  • George makes you feel for the hole inside Theon, and then shudder at how he tries to fill it, and then shudder even harder at the fallout. It’s just perfect writing!
• Rough waters on the Myraham
  • Long before we get to Ramsay and Reek, however, our first taste of how Theon’s arc is going to go comes in the microcosm of his time on the Myraham
  • Theon has yet to cross the war crime boundaries we’ve seen Tywin, Drogo, and their respective cronies blow past, but he’s already the worst in this chapter
  • Every move, every word, every thought is one of entitlement; not content with bribing his way into the captain’s cabin, he then shacks up with his daughter
  • It’s so chilling how Theon casually says she came to his bed willingly enough
  • There’s an entire world of misery behind that choice of words, and so the seed is planted: here’s the man who will indifferently inflict mass rape on a village and himself leave Kyra bruised and sobbing in Ned Stark’s bed at Winterfell
  • It’s sexual violence linked to dehumanization, brought forward by the POV structure; Theon repeatedly insults the captain’s daughter in his thoughts
    • We don’t even learn her name in this chapter. She’s a thing to Theon -- “The Captain’s Daughter”, a dehumanized extension of her father for Theon’s pleasure.
  • He thinks of not only her but the thralls and peasants he encounters as “bovine” compared to the clever dashing Theon Greyjoy, heir to Pyke, soon to be crowned 
  • None of the Starks ever break this bad, so this is the Greyjoy in him coming out
  • What binds a swaggering brute like Theon, a political reactionary like Balon, and an apocalyptic madman like Euron is bottomless ego that must be fed with blood
  • The blood in this case is that of the captain’s daughter, pleading for his help:
    • "Take me with you, milord," the captain's daughter begged. "I don't need to go to your castle. I can stay in some town, and be your salt wife." She reached out to stroke his cheek.
      
      Theon Greyjoy pushed her hand aside and climbed off the bunk.
      “My place is on Pyke, and yours is on this ship.”
      
      “I can’t stay here.”
      
      He laced up his breeches. "Why not?"
      
      "My father," she told him. "Once you're gone, he'll punish me, milord. He'll call me names and hit me."
      
      Theon swept his cloak off its peg and over his shoulders. "Fathers are like that," he admitted as he pinned the folds with a silver clasp. "Tell him he should be pleased. As many times as I've fucked you, you're likely with child. It's not every man who has the honor of raising a king's bastard." She looked at him stupidly, so he left her there.
  • It’s just devastating how George frames and structures this wretched scene
  • Theon can only think that “the stupid girl did not seem to be listening” when he prattles on about Ironborn worldbuilding, because he does not dignify her enough to pay attention to what she is talking about: leaving the ship, coming with him
  • And that’s not first and foremost because she “loves him well” (though she might, poor kid, this was her first time and Theon's quite the smooth talker)
  • It’s first and foremost because her father will abuse her if Theon leaves her there. And he doesn’t care! All he offers on the way out is more self-aggrandizement
  • There are no good options for this young woman, who has had barely any say in any of this, and like Gilly with Sam in ASOS, can only beg to be a man’s property 
  • Her time with Theon has tainted her in her father’s eyes...and Theon’s time with the Starks has tainted him in his father’s eyes, as we see at chapter’s end
  • But even after his humiliation in this chapter, Theon has no empathy to offer when he spots her again in his next chapter, too focused on hitting on “Esgred”
  • Theon uses sexual control, humiliation, and violence to make himself feel not only more manly, but more Ironborn, more like someone who belongs here
  • His conduct here is both vile and juvenile, completely undercutting his self-image
  • It definitely says something that in between Davos I and Daenerys I, two chapters overflowing with psychedelic messianic imagery, we get Theon telling himself he’s the protagonist of reality while getting his dick sucked
  • This is what the Chosen One looks like without dragons or shadowbinders or, y’know, decency to back up the narrative: an abusive delusional clown
  • You can already tell as a first-time reader that the image Theon is trying to create will fail; he almost gets the ship sunk just trying to reverse-engineer his image of Pyke, and he still can’t even see the banner he’s rhapsodizing on and on about
  • Most tellingly of all, he notes the Ironborn aren’t intimidated by titles without realizing that applies to him; he admits he understands the gold price better now
  • The pleasure of this chapter is watching these holes in Theon’s narrative add up until it sinks, stranding him on the bottom of the pile among the Greyjoys as among the Starks. Same goes for his comeuppance via Asha in his next chapter
  • It’s important, however, in this book about power that George starts by showing us what Theon does with the power he does have, and it’s uniformly awful
  • It’s no accident that his spark of redemption (or at least rehabilitation) takes the form of compassion for a young woman repeatedly subjected to rape
  • Theon’s story is microcosm to the overarching narrative of the Ironborn in ASOIAF. Overcompensating for their multiple weaknesses with narrative.
  • The former hostage and prodigal son returns, dreaming of resuming his post as heir to Balon and future Lord of Casterly Rock. The Ironborn, at least in Theon’s mind, yearn to resume their reaving ways and resume their long-dead glory 
• Introducing the Iron Islands
  • Shifting to worldbuilding, Theon I is our introduction to the Iron Islands; as with our introduction to the Vale in book one, George goes heavy on history and lore
  • Coming in from book one, we know that the Ironborn rebelled against Robert and lost, and...that’s about it. This chapter has to ground us politically and culturally
  • Even before they make landfall, this process begins on the Myraham, with Theon telling the captain’s daughter about how the Ironborn rolled in their glory days:
    • "Once I might have carried you home as a prize, and kept you to wife whether you willed it or no. The ironmen of old did such things. A man had his rock wife, his true bride, ironborn like himself, but he had his salt wives too, women captured on raids."
    • Once I would have kept her as a salt wife in truth, he thought to himself as he slid his fingers through her tangled hair. Once. When we still kept the Old Way, lived by the axe instead of the pick, taking what we would, be it wealth, women, or glory. In those days, the ironborn did not work mines; that was labor for the captives brought back from the hostings, and so too the sorry business of farming and tending goats and sheep. War was an ironman's proper trade. The Drowned God had made them to reave and rape, to carve out kingdoms and write their names in fire and blood and song.
  • This is revealing in a number of ways; first of all, as I mentioned before, it grounds Theon’s awful behavior towards women in a larger pattern
  • As with Robb’s crowning and (later on) the Dornish plots surrounding Myrcella, we see older nationalisms cropping back up as the war splits Westeros apart
  • George is demonstrating that “the old red tales” don’t exist in a vacuum; they are part of how the Ironborn tell themselves they’re too good to work for a living
  • Theon is the perfect POV to do the worldbuilding. A member of a defeated people, he focuses on the past glories and how shitty everything is, because to him, a not-really Ironborn, it gives him a sense of purpose, identity and separation from his captors/hosts.
  • As in the real world, racial hierarchies exist to support material hierarchies
  • Mainland Westeros (unlike in the show) isn’t particularly xenophobic by the standard of medieval fantasy societies, and while class distinctions are certainly wide and powerful, the Iron Islands have a “peculiar institution” to themselves
  • The Ironborn have built their religion, politics, and understanding of their history around the idea that they are a superior race: an ideology called the Old Way
  • Only captives are supposed to farm and mine, while every captain considers themselves a king; that’s how free men distinguish themselves in a slave society
  • This is probably why Asha has been accepted as Balon’s heir; she certainly faces misogyny, but this racial caste system creates strong in-group ties
  • Asha may be a woman, but she’s an Ironborn woman allowed to muster a military record, and so she has better luck pressing her claim to power than, say, Cersei
  • This shouldn’t be understood as the equivalent of Dornish progressivism. It’s an interpretation of the in-group as butchers and everyone else as meat
  • And in Theon II, Asha will spend the 2nd half of that chapter overcompensating for her womanhood with demonstrations of masculinity in her dirk, ax and skill at the finger-game.
  • As Theon says, it is for this worldview that his father rose up against Robert
  • The Old Way, however, is utter flaming horseshit, standing out even in the context of a series full of ideologies exposed as utter flaming horseshit
  • Putting aside the immorality of it all for a second, it’s a delusional fantasy disconnected from their actual history and the lived lives of the people
  • As Theon admits, Aegon the Conqueror reduced the Old Way to ash, and now they’re forced to farm and fish and mine for themselves. (Perish the thought.)
  • Moreover, even before that, Harren the Black beggared the largest kingdom his people had ever known just to build his cursed white elephant of a castle
  • That there represents perfectly how all Ironborn ambitions sour and collapse; Theon, Balon, and Euron should be taking notes, but the point is that they’re not
  • After the conquest, every attempt made by Ironborn reactionaries to resurrect the Old Way has failed, because no matter how weak the central government may be at any given time, it’s always enough to kick Ironborn ass if it feels like it
  • Why? Because the Islands are thinly peopled and largely devoid of resources
  • The reavers go around raping, robbing, and kidnapping helpless peasants to do the actual work, and then sit around telling each other how badass they are 
  • Historically, conquest economies are bound to fail unless they evolve, and if they don’t, they stagnate -- possible parallel to the Roman Empire
  • Meanwhile, other elements of Ironborn society are clearly moving on from the Old Way; why else are those ships from Tyrosh and Ib in the harbor? 
  • And if you look back through Ironborn history, you find that there has always been a New Way struggling alongside the Old Way, back and forth in power
  • You don’t even have to go back far--look at Balon’s father Quellon! Love that guy!
  • Love the imagery of the sept left in ruins at the port. Wonder if this was built when Quellon was Lord of the Iron Islands -- possibly for his third wife: a Piper
  • That the Ironborn haven’t rebuilt it after its destruction during the Greyjoy Rebellion demonstrates the revanchism of possibly the elite class, possibly the overall attitude of the Ironborn in the wake of their defeat at the end of the Greyjoy Rebellion.
  • So the present-day Old Way advocates are engaged in historical revisionism, declaring continuity with Urron Redhand as though the last five thousand years didn’t happen, as though it wasn’t the Targaryens who put the Greyjoys in charge
  • It’s a blind they’re pulling over their eyes, and Theon is doing the same thing, telling himself that he and he alone can resurrect this dream:
    • He smiled crookedly, wondering what his father would say when Theon told him that he, the last-born, babe and hostage, he had succeeded where Lord Balon himself had failed.
  • The problem is that he doesn’t understand that dream, nor his people, nearly as well as he thinks he does. He’s been away too long, and everyone else knows it
  • And Theon fails to understand that even if Balon takes up Robb’s offer, it’s not as though the King of North and Rivers would allow the Ironborn to resume reaving in territory that Robb would control.
• Introducing Damphair
  • When Theon turns up at Lordsport, no one knows who he is; the captain of the Myraham announces his arrival like he’s just another trade good
    • Much like in Chapter 2 of Fevre Dream…
  • Theon is pissed because he wants their adulation, but they bend the knee instead to the second Greyjoy we meet in the story, one much more at home:
    • "Your boy will not be needed," a deep voice called, "nor your horse. I shall see my nephew back to his father's house."
      
      The speaker was the priest he had seen leading the horses along the shoreline. As the man approached, the smallfolk bent the knee, and Theon heard the innkeeper murmur, "Damphair."
      
      Tall and thin, with fierce black eyes and a beak of a nose, the priest was garbed in mottled robes of green and grey and blue, the swirling colors of the Drowned God. A waterskin hung under his arm on a leather strap, and ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.
  • The irony here is that Theon did not recognize his uncle Aeron at first any more than the townsfolk recognized him; they’ve both changed so much
  • But Aeron has shifted from one culturally approved role (reaver) to another (priest). Theon, as his uncle says, is seen as having become a Stark
  • Later in the series, George parallels Theon’s suffering and transformation at Ramsay’s hands with Aeron’s suffering and transformation at Euron’s hands
  • But I don’t get the sense that he already had the Euron-Aeron backstory in mind 
  • Here in ACOK, Aeron’s transformation reflects Theon’s fall from grace in terms of his perception of the Iron Islands and his own place within them
  • When he imagined coming home in his splendid clothes, it didn’t involve kneeling in mud and shit, but that’s exactly the attitude the elders don’t like about him
  • His childish memories of laughter and song give way to the grim cruel realities of post-rebellion adult life on the Iron Islands. Just look at how the Damphair talks:
    • "Men fish the sea, dig in the earth, and die. Women birth children in blood and pain, and die. Night follows day. The winds and tides remain. The islands are as our god made them."
  • In part, that’s again the revanchist search for continuity, justifying atrocities in the name of a narrow-minded dogma that says the world has always worked this way
  • But it’s also Aeron’s way of telling Theon that even asking the question marks him as a hopeless outsider, especially compared to him, the ultimate insider
  • Like his big brothers Balon and Victarion (but not Euron), Aeron stands in for the conventional wisdom of the Old Way, and the old guard finds Theon lacking
  • Aeron directly challenges the core of Theon’s master plan, even before Balon
  • The political/military specifics will wait for Big Daddy, but Nuncle Damphair gets at the underlying cultural disconnect which will dog Theon throughout the book:
    • "I will not be cheated of my rights, I warn you."
      
      His uncle grunted. "You warn a servant of the Drowned God, boy? You have forgotten more than you know. And you are a great fool if you believe your lord father will ever hand these holy islands over to a Stark."
  • Now Theon starts to realize the extent of the damage done by his absence--he no longer has a place here, and will do anything to prove that he deserves one
  • The other way in which Aeron destablizes Theon’s narrative is by bringing up Asha, who as we’ll see, is the one who knows how to completely pry Theon apart
  • Theon didn’t even consider her as heir, because he’s focused on legal rights and mainland traditions, only to learn (like Stannis) that the letter of the law doesn’t mean much when the other contestant is more charismatic and well-liked
  • At the same time, Aeron (and Balon later on) says “We’ll see” when Theon states that he will not be cheated of his rights. 
  • Think George, in writing AFFC, went back to this chapter and saw an opening for Aeron to have doubts over Asha inheriting the Iron Islands due to Aeron’s individual and Ironborn cultural chauvinism:
    
    Balon had shaken his head in despair when he heard what Aeron had to tell him of his last remaining son. "The wolves have made a weakling of him, as I feared," the king had said. "I pray god that they killed him, so he cannot stand in Asha's way." That was Balon's blindness; he saw himself in his wild, headstrong daughter, and believed she could succeed him. He was wrong in that, and Aeron tried to tell him so. "No woman will ever rule the ironborn, not even a woman such as Asha," he insisted, but Balon could be deaf to things he did not wish to hear.
  • It also sets off his gendered insecurities--again, much more on this in Theon II!
  • All this combines to throw Theon off his game before he finally gets to show his father his “paper as good as a crown,” and that’s when things really fall apart
• Introducing King Balon Greyjoy
  • All through this chapter, we’re building up to the introduction of Balon Greyjoy; Theon has pinned all his hopes on Big Daddy, not only politically but personally
  • Balon is the authority figure who will dispense ultimate judgment on not only Theon’s plan, but Theon’s identity: Balon decides who belongs and who doesn’t
  • And also all through this chapter, we see signs that he will decide against Theon; gradually both our POV and we the audience realize it’s going to go wrong
  • Balon’s silence in response to the ravens sent by Robb and Jason Mallister speaks volumes, as does his failure to meet Theon at Lordsport or Pyke proper, as does him hosting Theon in grubby ill-maintained rooms in the Bloody Keep
    • Minor Fevre Dream note: the Bloody Keep and how ill it’s maintained reads like a callback to the state of Rene Garoux’s plantation that we saw in our chapter 2 analysis (available for all $5/above patrons now!)
  • Theon takes all that as a personal slap in the face, but his alarm bells really start going off regarding the politics when he sees that the longships are gathering
  • As Damphair says, there’s only one reason they ever do that: war. Which means that Balon has already given the go-ahead, and there’s no glory for Theon here
  • I love how George paces this revelation. At first, we might think (like Jason Mallister) that the birds were lost. Then we might think Balon’s just being cold, that he’s going to sign off on the plan, but Theon himself will have a reduced role. Only at the end do we learn that none of Theon’s dreams will come true
  • I’m harping on the personal v. political thing because the two are so intertwined
  • Theon is not just an outsider on Pyke; he’s seen as having become one of those who brought the Rebellion crashing down, and that’s why he can’t be the heir: 
    • “You are a great fool if you believe your lord father will ever hand these holy islands over to a Stark.”
  • Pyke itself is a stand-in for Balon, all grim weather-bitten rocks bearing the scars of Robert’s attack, and Theon feels more unwelcome on Pyke with every step 
  • All that sets up how this father-son reunion is going to go, and right before the meeting itself, we get one last perfect metaphor for how fucked Theon is now:
    • The door was grey wood studded with iron, and Theon found it barred from the inside. He hammered on it with a fist, and cursed when a splinter snagged the fabric of his glove. 
  • He’s been waiting for this moment since he was a child, and now he’s grown, and the songs and stories start to fade
    • Boys believe nothing can hurt them, his doubt whispered. Grown men know better.
  • Balon himself, again like Pyke, looks so much smaller and older than Theon remembers. But Balon, too, is lost in his own image from stories and songs
  • He’s projecting the Old Way at all times, despite both his first Rebellion’s failure and his own mortality staring him in the face
  • The moment that reveals the futility of it all, and the moment in which Balon is most humanized, is when he’s talking about the men to whom he lost his war:
    • "They are both dead, Stark and that Robert who broke my walls with his stones. I vowed I'd live to see them both in their graves, and I have." He grimaced. "Yet the cold and the damp still make my joints ache, as when they were alive. So what does it serve?"
  • Just for a second, you can see Balon recognizing that the resentment fueling his crusade has brought him nothing, no joy as his enemies turn to ash
  • Balon’s introduction as a whole is soooo similar to that of Stannis (grump sitting on his horrible island talking about claiming his crown and how everything sucks)
  • This, then, is his equivalent of Stannis briefly unfurrowing his brow and considering engaging in diplomacy with the Vale for support
  • The twist here, though, is that our POV is a walking talking reminder of everything Balon is trying to overcome and forget
  • That Theon is a stranger here is Balon’s ultimate shame: he traded all his sons in at some level for his rebellion, and Theon’s presence opens those old wounds
  • So it’s not surprising, really, that Balon is so hostile, and the ways in which he expresses his hostility reveals his biases and obsessions
  • Right from the start, he gets wrong how long Theon has been gone, as if it’s not important, as if he hasn’t been keeping track as Theon himself has
  • Rather than taking the opportunity to close the gap, Balon rips it open wider:
  • He’s challenging Theon’s masculinity and Ironborn status alike, because as on the Myraham, the two are linked. Theon’s quest to be seen as evil sexy Hamlet and his quest to get his racist pirate dad to love him are one and the same
  • Theon’s dandiness doesn’t stick out too much on the mainland, but there’s not much room for a Rogue Prince/Brightflame type in the Ironborn rogue’s gallery
  • Balon next challenges Theon on the gold price v. the iron price. Balon is being hypocritical here on a number of levels: his people engage in the iron price, he himself is no longer a raider, stealing from peasants doesn’t make you badass
  • But his larger point--that Theon is an outsider--is proven, because Theon didn’t even stop to consider this aspect of Ironborn culture before returning home
  • Balon considers this proof that “the Starks have made you theirs,” that Robb is trying to get a lapdog of his in power on Pyke. A nightmare scenario for Balon!
  • And he anticipated this, which explains the silence and the hosting: Balon has given up on Theon, taken Asha as his heir, and was prepared to let Theon die
  • That never gets brought up explicitly, but I wonder if George considers it to be eating away at Theon beneath the surface and driving his actions later in ACOK
  • After all, Balon is wrong that Theon has made himself a permanent place among the Starks. There’s no real future carved out for him there; he was always supposed to go back to the Iron Islands at some point. So what now?
  • As we see with the Mallisters, his Ironborn blood taints him for many on the mainland; Theon has no way out, no clear identity, no safe anchorage
  • There’s a critique of the hostage system here in that Theon is now trapped between worlds, useless to both, but sometimes it runs the other way (see Baelor Blacktyde); both general and specific factors are at work here
  • For example, Balon is reacting not just to the loss of his war, but the loss of his sons, a wound which Theon unknowingly pokes:
    • "He heeds me, yes. I've hunted with him, trained with him, shared meat and mead with him, warred at his side. I have earned his trust. He looks on me as an older brother, he—"
      
      "No." His father jabbed a finger at his face. "Not here, not in Pyke, not in my hearing, you will not name him brother, this son of the man who put your true brothers to the sword. Or have you forgotten Rodrik and Maron, who were your own blood?"
  • Balon is projecting, as Theon points out. Ned didn’t kill either of Theon’s brothers, and Balon bears responsibility for getting them killed in his “stupid rebellion.” 
  • Moreover, Balon is calling upon ties that never meant much to Theon because his brothers never treated him with love. Why should he give it all up for them?
  • Then again, Balon is once more right about his larger point: that Theon now thinks fonder of Robb than of Rodrik and Maron. That’s precisely how Theon means to be useful to Balon, but that’s also what makes him repugnant to Balon
  • You can see that struggle at work with the proposal itself, which is pretty sound from a strategic perspective as far as I, a neophyte on such matters, can tell
  • Tywin is indeed cut off, Robb will indeed get around the Tooth, Stafford’s army is indeed composed of leftovers and raw recruits, ready to collapse with a nudge
  • The Ironborn couldn’t really take the Rock, but they could sure sack and hold Lannisport, and Robb and Edmure would remain to cut off Tywin’s approach
  • Had Balon gone for this plan, and Edmure not inadvertently allowed Tywin to relieve Tyrion at the Blackwater, the Ironborn might’ve wound up with the West
  • Of course, Theon envisions the end result of this plan not as a bounty for his people, but as himself ruling the biggest castle on the continent and diving daily into his Scrooge McDuck vault of gold, because he’s Theon
  • And that focus on himself and only himself is what ruins his master plan before it even gets going, because both he and Robb fail to anticipate how Balon will react to this proposal; the failure is not a military one, it’s cultural and political
  • Theon knows that Balon cares first and foremost about resurrecting the Old Way, and the Old Way makes no room for greenland allies
  • The mainlanders are sheep, not friends, and Balon is particularly sensitive on this topic because his last rebellion proved that the sheep can kick his ass at will
  • The scars on his castle and the man where his boy once stood are proof of that, but rather than reckon with his mistakes and blind spots, Balon takes refuge in his reactionary politics and pride
    • “I am the Greyjoy, Lord Reaper of Pyke, King of Salt and Rock, Son of the Sea Wind, and no man gives me a crown. I pay the iron price. I will take my crown, as Urron Redhand did five thousand years ago."
  • This is as direct a critique of power George makes in the series: Balon turns his back on the best possible move available to him and chooses a far worse one because that satisfies his ideas about what his power should be
  • And Theon did the same thing on a smaller scale, only for his master plan to be steamrolled by his dad’s. The rest of his story in ACOK will be about how he tries and fails to bridge that gap, by increasingly terrible means. 

Foreshadowing/Groundwork

EURON! EURON! EURON KING! Ahem. This chapter contains the first mentions of Euron Greyjoy, who will later appear as a significant antagonist in AFFC:

Theon searched for his uncle Euron's Silence. Of that lean and terrible red ship he saw no sign…

Old men were cautious by nature. His father was old now, and so too his uncle Victarion, who commanded the Iron Fleet. His uncle Euron was a different song, to be sure, but the Silence did not seem to be in port.

George packs a lot into even that minor introduction: how the currently fearless Theon remembers enough to be afraid of Nuncle Crowseye, and how Euron is a different (and scarier) breed of villain than his brothers. We also see Euron groundwork in the captain of the Myraham, who is the one to inform Robb (and the readers) of Balon’s death in ASOS, and in Theon’s comment that Greyjoys are only killed on Pyke by their brothers, right before he gets spooked by that swaying rope bridge…

The miller’s wife Theon and Patrek Mallister “visit” en route to Seagard seems like foreshadowing of the woman Theon will kill along with her children when he returns to the North.

Some “fun” R+L=J foreshadowing I’d never caught before:

“It’s not every man who has the honor or raising a king’s bastard.”

Very minor, but George reuses this idea of a merchant ship being a fat-bellied tub of a ship in the Victarion TWOW chapter:

The Noble Lady was a tub of a ship, as fat and wallowing as the noble ladies of the green lands.

Theory/Discussion

Did Theon actually impregnate the captain’s daughter, and what might come of this?

Will we ever see the sea captain's daughter again? I am referring to the one that Theon was unkind to after having had his way with her.

GRRM: Well, the MYRAHAM and its captain appear briefly in A STORM OF SWORDS. Beyond that I sayeth not… - GRRM, So Spake Martin, 5/2000

Conclusion

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